What's this all of a sudden? I stumbled upon a "Best of" concert by Morning Musume. From 2004? It's stirred up old memories - love for Musume, love for dancing, and memories made with friends.
Yeah. I want to dance again. I did a bit at school in the dance studio. It was more so to keep me alive at the time. I went there a lot late at night when I felt insane, and it helped. There was always a pain inside though, because I knew that even though I was practicing, it would never be used. I was mostly content with just challenging myself, and I have been doing that for a while. But, I can't get away from the idea of creating something. I want to keep Shojo Explosion alive... but...
Does anyone know if I'm still alive?
Since coming home, I've gotten the impression that no one really wants me around. Well, I know for sure that Kayla at least isn't going to be talking to me much. After the whole "incident," I doubt things will be the same. Mending takes effort, and I don't think either of us want to make that effort. Well, if that's the case, why don't we just agree to forget it? That'd be too simple though.
Something is up with Sam too. For some reason, she hasn't contacted me at all since I've been home. I guess I haven't gotten a hold of her either though. I probably did something wrong again. Heck, I don't know.
I'm supposed to be directing a play, but I know already that I just can't do it. I'm not focused. There's no way I can run something like that right now. My summer is just a jumbled mess of events with no dates. I have no idea what is coming next.
Those are other reasons why Shojo Explosion is falling apart. Failing friendships and me having no schedule. I want to dance. I don't think anyone can really grasp how important that is to me. But, no one else will help me, so I'm alone. The projects we started probably won't happen either. I felt like we were finally getting somewhere, but now...
Who knows. Maybe I'll be able to round everyone up again. Right now though, it looks impossible. Sam was my co-pilot in a way, and without her helping me, there's no way I can keep going.
What do you mean "without her"? Where'd she go?
I don't really know. She can't put up with me anymore or something. I really don't know. Maybe she's busy. Maybe she's waiting for me to call her first. Maybe she thinks I'm mad at her. Whatever. Trivial things. It's another thread to hold onto, right?
Tripping at the Gates of Hell.
Whatever else happens, I just want to be able to dance again. But... I can't be in charge anymore. There are too many other things in my head right now to be able to balance time, money, and peoples' moods.
Shojo has always been a battle for me. Do they care? Do they really want to do this? Will they see it through till the end? Those are always the questions lingering over me like an axe. It's all the same. It kills me to want to do something so bad, but have to sit on my hands and do nothing because someone else refuses to be dedicated to something.
Sorry, just blowing off some steam I guess. The concert just made me return for a moment to something I love, but probably will never see again.
I said a while ago that I would give more updates on the end of the "vacation", but I never did. Perhaps I'll get to it tomorrow. Sorry, again. I'm just a slacker.
As much as I love being alone, I don't think I can handle this for much longer.
-Lisa had her first taste of watermelon of this summer today
Unsettled
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 11:27 PM
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1 comments:
Pssst. I know you're alive.
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