This is likely to be my last entry in this blog, so I need to get a few things out before I can move on.
Firstly, I have recently learned that I feel more alone now than I ever have. I've always had a constant feeling of loneliness, but for the most part I've learned to deal with that. But, after certain events, I can bearly handle this feeling.
I don't want this to haunt me as I move on, so I need to get out all of my thoughts in one session.
It was the end of September, or the beginning of October. It doesn't matter at this point. Actually, it started months before that, but it was on one particular night when Ricky and Jim were hanging around in my room that a whole lot of emotions were spewed all over the place. If I can remember correctly, it was the weekend that Ari's brother was hanging around.
You know what? I can't do this in detail. Sorry, but I'm going to have to summarize.
For a few days Ricky had been noticing that I wasn't being very pleasant to him. It wasn't on purpose on my part, I just do that when I'm very unhappy about something. It was really killing me because I realized what I was doing to him. The day before the crisis hit, Ricky and I talked for four hours straight about how I was incredibly uncomfortable about our relationship and I told him exactly how I felt - that being that I didn't like having this bond with him. The evening of the next day I was talking to my mom online and expressed how we were finally making progress. For the past month I had been physically and mentally unwell because I knew I couldn't go on living with this attachment but I didn't know how to get rid of it. I didn't entirely want to.
Point is, I needed that relationship to end and be forgotten for several reasons - the main reason being that he has the mental level of a 12 year old and I have the mental level of a 25 year old. I have also referred to this as a 90 year old dating a 14 year old. It just isn't meant to work. Also, I was his security blanket. He chose to set all of his expectations on me. Every problem that he had in his life was solved simply from my presence. He told me several times that his home wasn't home to him anymore, and that he was only home when he was with me.
2. I can't handle being responsible for a child.
What he set on me were ideals. Go read Tess of the D'urbervilles. It'll basically summarize the relationship. If you don't have time for that, have a taste of the essay I wrote for that class.
"...continually demonstrates his inconsistent emotions, particularly involving his relationship with Tess. His behavior towards Tess gives the reader the impression that he is overcome by a childish nature. By idealizing Tess as the perfect woman, he inevitably sets himself up to be disappointed in her human flaws. His insensitivity is proven again and again when he ignores the human Tess and instead chooses to create the image of a woman to fall in love with. "
"Instead of pursuing happiness for two, the men seem to be thinking only of gaining the pure woman. Angel was convinced he was in love with Tess, however, by being drawn to her simply for her beauty, he was essentially falling in love with her body and presentation. "
"...they “unconsciously studied each other, ever balanced at the edge of passion, yet apparently keeping out of it.” (128) " -This is where Ricky was in our relationship, and he was trying to pull me into it. I didn't want to be there at all.
"Gradually Angel formed a being, not Tess, but an ideal woman with Tess’ body. He never seems to understand Tess as a whole. He chose to see the good in her: her innocence, naivety, purity. Although these traits are admirable and apply to Tess, they aren’t what make a complete human being. There were other aspects to Tess that Angel ignored by preventing her from telling him events that greatly affected her in her past. He simply knew what he saw and created the rest in his image of her. Through pure imagination, he envisioned her to be “the essence of woman.” (130)" -Ricky told me on several occasions that I was innocent and pure and a "good girl".
"In this way, Angel wouldn’t be able to accept Tess’ development as a person because he had already settled on an image of her. She became something like a goddess to him in the way that she seemingly represented the ideal state of all women, not just herself. "
"At the very start of the relationship, the love that Angel felt for her was based entirely on passion, desire, and emotion. There was nothing solid present that they could hold on to when the raging emotions of young lovers would eventually fade. Regardless of the conflict of Tess’ past, Angel is so fickle that it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume he would become dissatisfied after he won Tess through marriage. Idols are meant to be admired, not acquired. " -I have to admit, I was writing about myself in this section.
"Although his romantic actions and words swept Tess away, they meant nothing since he was only acting on extreme emotion for someone who did not exist. "
That's... basically how it went down for us. He was all happy with the image he made of me, and I was disgusted with having this child running around like a maniac and having to kiss the boo-boos everytime he fell.
There was a very simple scale that we were both on. One end being Emotion, and the other, Reason. A whole being needs to be somewhere in the middle. This doesn't mean all the time, but in order for a person to be sane but still be able to possess feelings, they should have a balance.
It wasn't healthy.
The way it ended was through his desperation and curiosity. He described his feeling as being in a small room with the walls cornering him and he had to do absolutely anything to get out. I had left the room for a little while to see Ari for something, and when I came back I saw Ricky in the hallway in front of the elevator looking like his was going to throw up. Apparently he was having a bad panic attack, his first. I couldn't do anything for him which was terrible. I understand how attacks like that work though, for me anyway. When I get that way, I can't be around anyone and need to just concentrate on calming down. This usually leads to me being sick for the next forever as well.
After 15 or so minutes he had calmed down enough to request that we go outside. As we stepped onto the brick path, he turned to me and immediately went into that long speech that he does before a hard topic where he explains all of the background information before telling you what he's even talking about. This one began, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
While I was at Ari's, Ricky had gotten on my computer and looked over a conversation that I had been in the middle of with my mom where I said, "he just doesn't understand that I need to end this." Hence, the panic attack.
Obviously, I don't remember much about what happened. I just know that when he said that I wanted to roll up into myself and not have to deal with it. I crouched down on the ground and just hid as much as I could. He ran over to me and fell down by me telling me not to feel bad, or worry or something. He rambled off some other things and then said we should go inside. I guess he didn't like the idea of making a scene in front of Mary's.
We went to the basement which was safe enough. We basically ignored the presence of the few other people in the room. He proceeded to cry and carry on about how he just didn't want to lose me. He said, "Just say what you need to say" or something along those lines. I thought it was a good time to try to break it down into real small words so he could finally understand completely.
Surprisingly, he seemed relieved. He said that he could handle us being friends. He was fine with that. He just didn't want to lose me as a being. Yeah, I guess. Whatever that's supposed to mean.
The conversation, or whatever it was, was long. In the end, he finally understood that were were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend.
Oh, but then the next day he asked me to repeat what I said the previous night. I guess it hit him that we really weren't dating anymore and he wasn't going to accept that. So, I had to say it again, plus some.
When he responded with pleading wondering if there was any hope for us in the future, all I could say was that it wasn't fair to either of us to wait around hoping that someday things would change. I said that I couldn't stay in a relationship like that hoping that I would fall in love with him. It was a childish perspective to take. It would have been ... well, stupid, for me to have said "Yes, I expect that sometime in the future we'll date again". What was he expecting?
So, having completely and ruthlessly destroyed my emotions, we settled on being able to maintain a friendly form of contact.
Here is where things get really fuzzy, and I have no more sense of time or sequence. Over a span of several days he wouldn't let me live peacefully. He would keep coming up to me asking, "Can we talk tonight?" which always made me extremely worried and uncomfortable for the rest of the day. Why couldn't he have just said what it was he wanted to talk about? Or at least given me some kind of clue so I wouldn't have to be so lost and confused?
I've encountered it many times since. He isn't living in the real world. What he has created is something far more dramatic. He has created a horrible screenplay in which other 12 year olds would love to be involved. But not me. Not a 25 year old who can see past the games.
Several times he has approached me in a state of depression or anxiety, and then left with a confidence that, yes, we can be friends.
At first we couldn't see each other. I knew that everytime he looked at me he didn't see me as a person. He only saw the figure of the woman he constructed in his mind and realized that he could never have her. So, normal conversation was impossible for us. I was in Boston for that long weekend, and successfully avoided him for a while thereafter.
When it seemed we were okay with some contact, things were really great. It was wonderful to be able to talk to him about some things, and to hear what was going on with him. For a while it even made me miss him. A lot.
I guess that's inevitable. When I see his human side, I remember what I saw in him before. But when the child emerges, I can't handle it anymore. I need to keep reminding myself that the child always rules with him, no matter what he says.
Just as a side note, he's taken away all the emotions I should have been feeling at the time. It's like... he took all the fun(?) out of a break up. Instead of being totally devastated, I'm just irritated and in slight anguish. It's ... not really fair. He's done enough sulking for the both of us, and more.
He's come to me several times in the middle of the day with the same "Can we talk later?" question, although he usually adds "Nothing about 'us'". We talked one night about somethings that had been on my mind. It was good.
Also, he's been keeping tabs on me. At first it just seemed like a friend that cares enough to call and text wondering if I'm alright and wondering where I am. But he did these things so extensively that ... it lead me to turn to the word STALKING. One evening while at Panera's with Anthony, Ricky sent me a message on IM wondering if I was okay and where I was. He proceeded to try to call me twice and called Anthony (these calls were not received at the time). He also sent me a text message. I received the next call, but before picking up I said to Anthony, "He's going to say, 'Hey, are you alright? Where are you?'", which he did. Exactly. "I was worried about you."
Don't do that. We're not dating anymore. I am 25 and you are 12. I have far more responsibilities than you. I have my own car and license. I can go out past 9 without having to check in with you. Thank you. He's always tried to take care of me, but the fact is that he can't. He can't tell me something I either don't already know, or that is quite frankly wrong or irrelevant. For a time I tried to just go along with it. Give him the satisfaction of giving me some form of advice. But I couldn't go on like that anymore. He's simply too young.
-Another side note-
To add to the list of why things couldn't work out...
He couldn't do anything for me. He knew that as well. He said he could be there for me, but we both knew that he couldn't really help in any way. To me, a relationship is not something one person can simply draw from. The two people have to work together and GROW together. There was no growth in this. I was the mother and he was the child. I believe that two people should learn from each other and strive to make each other better. He had nothing to give me. So, what was the point?
He's so paranoid though... it got to a point that it really drove me crazy. Most recently he was talking to me online and asked, "Can I ask you a personal question,". Let me just say now that this is one of the more irritating things he does. How am I even supposed to respond to that? I don't know what the question is, so how can I assess if I want to go into it or not? Just ask me the question and I'll answer it if I want!!!!
Sorry, too many exclamations.
He was wondering if I was okay with him going to church. Needless to say, this was also quite irritating. Since we had obviously broken off our "bond", it really shouldn't matter what I think about it. The truth being, I don't care.
Here, have part of the conversation.
I'm not tired anymore...not physically...just in a metaphorical sense...I'm tired of being as I am
sleep washes away any sense of me and what i dislike about the world
isn't that just temporarily though?
sounds like what you would ask someone who tries to drink their problems away
you can't really change your perspective just from sleeping though, right?
no...and i don't plan to...the me of right now wants to pass the buck on to the me of tomorrow...the me of today is done for now
so, you've been feeling okay?
I'm happy to know that.
that wasn't a loaded response...just a poorly worded one
what do you think you'll be doing this weekend?
i have a photoshoot on sunday
i'll go in the morning
would you like to come with Kevin and I?
he wont be home the following weekend
and he has to go to work at 1, so he could drop you back off here before then
or would you feel uncomfortab;e with the setting?
i guess that would be fine
it's okay if you'd prefer not to go, I don't want you to feel like you have to accept my invitation or anything(guh...sorry my mind is talking to me as you...and it's being mean)
we'll see. sunday is still a while from now
this is why I want to today to be over...my head is...n't all there
i wanted to ask early, incase you had set in stone some other plans by Friday or something
can i ask a somewhat related question to that, but it's really has nothing to do with church?...it's kind of a personal thing
well...it has to do with church...just nothing to do in particular with the invite
i guess so
are you uncomfortable thinking about being in church with me?
i don't really think about it
not really a strong opinion on that
I guess I may have felt like you would be uncomfortable going to church with me because you might feel like i don't belong there...seeing as how I'm not a christian, and you being someone who cares whole heartedly about her faith
just because you aren't a christian doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed. How else would a person learn if they had to be a christian in the first place?
and i guess I also wanted to ask you as a person, a friend, not just a christian...but you kind of already answered saying that you had no opinion
and it matters to me because part of what makes the church experience for me is the people...I enjoy going with Kevin, but not because of kevin. You were the first person to get me to like going, but partly because I was able to go with you. I miss going to church with you. You made the experience complete. As, in a may, does kevin.
Church is something else to you, so i guess I can understand if you're reading and thinking that I'm missing the point of church all together
but to me, the point of church to me is to heal
it's not unexpected though. I don't like going to church at home alone
I don't mean to assume too much, I'm just putting this together for myself to understand and regurgitating my thoughts through my fingers...and the language can be misleading
you think over things too much
I don't know what i want anymore...so i think...and it gets me nowhere
you're just going to confused yourself and get depressed
when I do that though, which I know it's the best thing to do, I feel like I'm just running away from things that can be firgured out if I put enough into it
and yes...it boasts depressing results
all of my thoughts tend to fuse themselves into a congl-o-merate of worry...that's where my imagination comes in...and multiplies my bad thoughts and fears by...a lot
and actually...this has only been the past couple weeks
because of school ?
I don't know...well...maybe for the past couple months...probably just the result of my being incapable of handling life's ilk
again...I'll reiterate...I need to grow up
so I know what I NEED to do...and I know HOW...I just can't help but feel like i'm missing something...like I'm not being told everything i need to know to make the pieces of the puzzle whole
worrying about it isn't going to help anything
pieces of of pieces of a puzzle...that come together to make another piece to a bigger puzzle
you just need to be patient and accept what you have right now
I have no other choice
that's what I've been doing...literally...just not in other ways
i know, life sucks a lot of the time, but so what? There's also a lot of good in the world, but you have to be willing to see it and take it for all it is
what are you thinking right now?
I was... thinking about what we've been talking about for the past ten minutes?
(Let me just pause a second and point out that it's very... odd, to say the least, to be in the midst of conversation with a person and then have them burst out asking what you're thinking about)
it amounted to that thing you said about life sucking?...that seemed unlike you...which is why I had to ask what you were thinking
I'm sorry...i'm not angry or anything...I just need to end this conversation now...and go
The next day I found a typed, two-page letter on my floor that apparently had been slipped under the door while I was at work. I brought the note to Ari, who was also at work at the time and passed it on to her. I simply couldn't take anymore of his antics and I had absolutely no more mental capacity or sympathy or time to deal with it. After a moment of her having to calm me down out of a potential hysteria, I watched as she read the letter and then slip it into her bag. She told me I wasn't to read the letter, not at work. She also said that we needed to do something for me tonight.
I never read the letter. I don't care to. She's kept it, and has likely thrown it away. Or eaten it.
The next day I had philosophy with him. After class we began walking back to our seperate housebuildings like we usually do. In the area where we usually part, we began to end our normal conversation and he asked if I would be going to dinner that evening. Probably.
"If I don't see you later, I want to just be able to say this to your face. I was wrong. I haven't grown up." Exit stage right.
My first impulse was to throw my thermos at him, but it's new and far too cute. I also wanted to yell at him saying that he's not doing anything good for either of us. Instead, I just laughed and wandered around for a while, spent some time playing arcade games, and laughed a bit hysterically some more, apparently leaving some individuals concerned.
Is that not ... the most ridiculous statement you've ever encountered? I guess there could have been worse. But this just broke everything in me. I'm not so far beyond sympathy for this boy that I've had to completely seperate myself from him. I'm refusing to get involved in his games anymore. If he wants to go play soap opera, he'll have to do it with someone else.
If he genuinely cared about himself and me, he wouldn't leave me hanging like that. It's like stabbing someone with a needle, leaving, and then coming back days later to tell them why you did it.
Sometime that same day he sent me a text saying he wanted his letter back and that he should have never sent it.
Well, guess what. You did. You wrote it. You slipped it under my door. By getting it back you aren't solving anything for anyone. This is CHILD'S PLAY. You should have left this back in SIXTH GRADE.
Since then, I have ignored every form of communication from him. He's tried calling a couple times, and it's simply always been at a time where I haven't been able to answer my phone, or I just don't hear it. But, even if I could, I wouldn't answer it. I am in the process of changing my phone number, my email address, my philosophy class, my IM name, and anything else that I can come up with. This is why my blog has been permanently locked. This whole time I haven't been able to express my frustrations about this relationship because he reads this. It might seem like an poor reaction. Am I just running away from the problem? No, I've confronted this to it's peak. I've dealt with it in every way that I can, and now it is time to break the chain completely.
Also, this is the last entry because I will be locking myself out of my account. He also has a blog, one only I have permission to. It's too much to fight against just not going to the site, so I'm going to make it impossible to get in. I will be creating a new blog and keeping it under close tabs for a while until I'll allow it to be open.
So, where do I stand now?
I'm at a point now where I'm so lonely, but I'm afraid to be close to people. I don't often feel safe like I should. Even in an environment I'm familiar with, or with people who have been my greatest friends, I still have a constant unsettled feeling. Part of me is paranoid. Nearly everytime I leave the bathroom to go back to The Hole, my room, I half expect to see Ricky lurking outside the door waiting for me. I'm afraid of getting to know someone too well now. I'm doubting my judgment and feelings. Specifically, I'm very afraid of the next "dating experience". Will I reject my own feelings because of assumptions about myself? Or will I force myself to be comfortable with someone because I feel that I have to in order to move on? Will I compromise?
I'm getting paranoid. I fully realized this when Ari and I were in the basement. She turned to me and said, "It's a good thing we decided to come down here. Ricky was just at your door." It was like getting hit by a wave in the ocean. My stomach instantly developed a gaping hole and my whole being shut down. The terrible tingly feeling didn't go away until an hour later. I remember when she looked over at me and noticed that I looked sick and had to reassure me that everything was okay. He was gone.
Things like this keep happening. Meranda snuck up behind me today and it scared me. Not because she suddenly popped up next to me, but because I knew I was being followed. Even now, if I'm in a public place like the library, I feel like someone must be looking over my shoulder reading everything I write. I jump at the sound of shuffling papers. It's like someone is always there but I just can't see it. It isn't that they're hiding, it's just that I can't see.
I will be editing and updating this post for a little while. I just wanted to get it over with for now, but there are potentially more things I need to express on the issue that I will not be bringing with me to the next blog. It needs to be settled here. Until you see the word, COMPLETE in the title, I will continue updating this particular post.
The way this entry has been written may sound harsh or cold on my part. It didn't happen that way. It's not like I was miserable through the entire relationship. But it wasn't often that I was happy either. There were a few really great days. I mean, really great. We went to Bokkie's one night and stuck around until it closed so we could just talk to each other. But a few times like that isn't worth the agony of trying to sustain a stable relationship. I tried. I tried more than I should have. But now I can clearly see that it's not going to get any better. He can't move on and I'm not going to stay behind with him.
If he truly cared about me, he wouldn't be haunting me like this.
Have you ever seen a situation where a little kid admires someone significantly older so much that they can't help but cling to them? Sometimes the older person has to be straightforward and say, "You need to let go of me now."
I want to be done with this. We had what is probably our last exchange the other day. Before I left for home on friday he somehow found me in the basement. I was in the middle of trying to control a panic attack that had been gnawing at me for the past 36 hours when he appeared and destroyed any progress of calming I had worked so hard to achieve.
I told you I've been paranoid, right? Luis wandered down not long before that and I was so scared when I looked up to see who it was. My whole body was shaking and I felt like I had just been shot and couldn't fully grasp the idea yet.
So, you can imaging how I felt when Ricky appeared in front of me looking totally livid. It was the first time I had seen him since the day he stomped off so dramatically leaving me with a great desire to chuck my thermos at him.
"Two things. Are you reading the philosophy book? No? I want it back. I'll pay for the other half. Also, I want my stuff back. It doesn't have to be now. Are you busy?"
It's surprising that I can actually remember his words exactly. I was thrown into such a horrible panic that I couldn't even keep my head up. I could barely mutter "Kind of" in reply to his question. Without any other sort of communication, he left.
Thank you so much for turning the knife again.
The only thing I could think about after that is that he must have wriggled his way into my blog and was crushed at the harsh truth.
After a little while of trying to calm down, I went outside and talked to Bill on the phone for about 45 minutes, trying to forget that I had just been shot again. Ari came by looking really worried and asked if I wanted to go the the seminar with her. I did.
I even got an email from him later stating basically the same thing. He wanted his stuff back. What, did we get a divorce? He also said that he wanted to have his things back by the end of the weekend and that he wanted to get them himself. Well... I wasn't even on campus, and there was absolutely no way in hell I was going to let him come near me again.
The night Ari and I traveled back to school I had to ask her to come with me to my room because I was just so scared that he would be waiting for me there.
The day after we got back I made the long trip over to Jim's dorm to drop off Ricky's stuff. Finally. That was done. A few minutes before my meeting with KB (I took about 30 minutes with him to have a breakdown and watch how terrified he looked when I told him everything that's been happening to me) my phone started vibrating with a call from "Brayton". I didn't pick up, so he left a voice mail. Since I couldn't bring myself to listen to it, Bill offered to, although I don't know how to work my own phone, so that didn't work. I just waited until I saw Ari later. The message said something along the lines of "Thanks for bringing me my stuff. I need to talk to you. It'll only take 10 seconds."
Before hearing the message, I was in my room earlier that day (after KB and before Ari) talking to my mom on the phone when Ricky knocked on my door. I knew it was him, but I couldn't just ignore it. I opened the door, and again, looking completely infuriated, he said, "I don't care if you don't want it, just take it" and shoved the money I used to pay for the philosophy book at me and walked away. I couldn't go to class at that point. Every bit of my world was being devoured and I couldn't stand it anymore. I got off the phone and went to The Art Store and bought paints and pastels with the money I'd just gotten. The majority of the day was spent painting nonsense.
We're almost done with this, I think. In the next couple of days I'm going to be working on a letter to his father explaining what has been happening and where I stand now. This isn't a letter saying, "I hate your son, get him away from me." I don't know what he knows of this situation because I don't think that Ricky talks to his dad about much of his personal life. I just want him to understand what has happened and to know that I respect his family, and really love them. Since I'm quite positive Ricky thinks I'm...well, a bitch...(I don't mean to be crass, but it's the only word I can think of to properly describe it) I don't think he could ever see what truly happened. I'm sure he's dwelling on the past still, wondering if I was ever truthful with him and if I was ever the girl he thought he saw. I'm sure he thinks I'm the snake that lured him into this obsession. I just want someone to understand that I'm not the typical heartbreaker. There is reason here.
Here is a copy of the letter I sent...
November 20, 2008
Dear Mr. Brayton,
I assume that you know that Richard and I are no longer dating. At this point, we aren't even friends and I don't expect us to become such in the future. There are several reasons for this and I won't go into all over them, but I do want to be able to explain some things and try to make this situation somewhat comprehensible.
Ricky discovered that I didn't want us to be together by quite drastically invading on my privacy. For this, I would probably never be able to hold a good deal of trust for him again. As he has done before in a situation like this, he put the blame on something inhim he apparently could not control. It's a bit hard for me to grasp as to why this came as such a shock to him. We'd had extensive discussions about how I felt uncomfortable with out relatioship. Even over the summer I was very unsure about everything and he knew this. He toldme he would give me all the time and space I needed to figure things out. Although it sounds nice in theory, time and space can't heal things. When he said this, he never considered that I might come to a conclusion that didn't involve him directly in my life.
I didn't end the relationship becauseI'm fickle, or was bored. Like I said, I was thinking about this a lot over the summer as well. Ricky isn't a bad guy at all. He is very caring and respectful. However, he can't help me. I'm not saying that I only want to date someone who will take care of me. What I'm saying is that when two people are together they should be able to work with each other and build each other into better people. This combination just didn't work between us and I was very unhappy, and I've been told that I shouldn't be in a relatiohship that doesn't make me happy.
This is something I've learned about myself in the past few months and that is that I sacrifice myself too much. There are so many times where I will ignore my own pain or unhappiness so that I won't hurt someone else. I simply couldn't live like that in this situation. I was putting out half-hearted feelings and that wasn't fair to either of us. This relationship wasn't right for either of us, whether he chooses to see that or not.
I understand that he is very upset with this idea. He has told me things such as, "I can't unlove you" and, "I idolize you." I can sympathize with his feelings, but what he saw isn't really me. He chose to see a perfect being, something I am far from. This has been hard for me as well. Over the summer and throughout the semester I have been a wreck. I knew I couldn't go on living hoping that things would change, but I was so afraid of hurting him.
In the end, we tried to be close friends, but that only worked for a short time. He continually confronted me on past subjects and reminded me of how much pain I caused him. He reminded me that he still loved me. By doing this, he never gave either of us a chance to move on. As soon as I would htink we were on solid ground again, he would approach me again, dwelling on the past.
As much as I would have liked to drop everything and try to make his life a happy place again, I can't abandon my responsibilities to take care of him. It came to a horrible point where I was physically ill over being stressed and afraid of running into him. I couldn't read the letters he sent me or the messages he left on my phone. The last time he approached me I had to make the conclusion that it was impossible for us to go on like this. He wouldn't let go of the past and move on. So he was preventing me from doing this as well. At this point, I've had to cut him off compeltely. Regardless of whether or not he is ready to let me go, I need to move on and can't wait for him anymore.
I can't take any more of this physically or mentally. My health has dropped considerably. I wish we could go back to enjoying time together, hanging areound Mike and John, and just having fun together. But I understand that it is impossible now, so I can't dwell on it.
He can survive without me. He has great friends and family that can always be there for him. He doesn't need me to hold his hand. It is better to be alone than with the wrong person.
I would like to apologize. I have no doubts that I've disrupted your household. To me, it seems cruel to create bonds with people and then so suddenly reak them like this. I feel like I've abandoned your family.
I will be at LeMoyne for one more semester, and then I will be transfering to a school to better fit my needs. I don't expect you will hear from me again.
Obviously a couple things I said in the letter have changed. I don't see him as being a nice, considerate person anymore. I can't say for sure if it's truth or scars in my mind, but I can now say that I really despise that person.
When I wrote the letter I had hoped that I would see Mr. Brayton in person to hand deliever it, and even drove all the way to his house on a really snowy night to do so. They keep their door locked though, and didn't hear me knocking or notice I was there, so I just stuck the letter in the door.
Since then, my mom has gotten an email (the 4th) from that boy apologizing again. He said he was talking about this with his parents a lot. About their divorce mostly, it sounded. He blamed their situation for the was he acted and also admitted that he has a problem. He said he would leave me alone. That, I can't fully believe since I've heard it so much before, but let's hope that parental intervention will help.
We're assuming that his dad didn't know anything that happened and has since forced him to talk about things.
Well, good then. Go have fun playing with your problems.
When I said that I wished we could just enjoy being together and having fun again, I meant it, but also knew that it would never happen, and even if it could have and he tried, I would never let it happen again. Now, I hope that never happens. It's better that we're not friends, actually. I'm glad that he had to blow up and screw everything up. Now I can realize how much of a creep he actually is. I hope I never see him or hear from him ever again.
Since the end of the semester, I've been doing alright emotionally. On the last day I got a little nervous because I knew he stopped over at Ari's to say whatever. Honestly, I think he's still trying to use my friends to reach me, like he's done to my mom and my sister. If he ever....ever....contacts my brother, I may just have to shoot him. Are you allowed to say that these days?
I'm pretty much settled with the idea of him being a pest from my past now. Mostly. There are lingering thoughts and feelings that make me really sick though. This break is the first time I've been at home for an extended period of time since summer. Since he was here.
I really hate myself for that. I hate that I let him come here. I hate that a little kid dragged me into his play time and let him do these things to me. I hate that I let him touch me, and I hate that I was so weak I couldn't even say no.
There are times when I'm in my house and I'll just remember something he said to me or something he did. The feelings that come aren't sympathetic. I feel more like I'm going to throw up.
For so long, I just knew that things would absolutely never work, but I kept trying to keep him happy. I gave up so much of myself for him. I knew that things were wrong, but I kept getting convinced that it was still okay for now. He told me that I would get used to the things I didn't like because he was my first ever boyfriend. I understand that there are things about a relationship I will be uncomfortable with and things I won't even like, but that some of the things I'll just deal with. But, I dealt with far too much this time. And that's why I'm afraid now. I'm afraid of myself.
So, I'm going to be getting sad once in a while for a long time.
This issue is mostly closed. I think it's safe to finally shut this page down.
Let me just say that I am grateful for the people helping me through this.
So, goodbye Purple Watermelon. I didn't want to have to part with you this way.
The feeling tone was one of lost love,
bitter, as I woke with a cigar mouth;
but, as Bing Crosby and others have said and
sung, it's better, etc. You can't lose love
unless at one time, in some way, you had it.
As one grows older, one grows reconciled.
The names of the lost are at home in their beds
with difficulties of their own. Not including me.
The only thing left now is fear.
Monday, November 10, 2008
This is likely to be my last entry in this blog, so I need to get a few things out before I can move on.
Posted by Lisa at 7:37 PM
Thursday, November 6, 2008
There are a couple quick things I just want to spew on my page tonight. These are things that should be discussed in much more detail than I am willing to go into at this point.
I'm single. No, it wasn't easy. No, I haven't forgotten anything. No, I'm not cold-hearted. I'm just not letting this stop me from moving on with my life. When something is over, let it go. It's over. By hanging on, you'll only end up choking someone. The tread will get thinner and thinner and will finally snap. You have to get on stable ground and just let go.
I'm bitter. Towards what? Men and relationships. Friendships that become dangerously intimate.
I'm very easily irritated, especially RIGHT NOW.
I feel like an open book. No, an open body. The way things are now, I feel as though my stomach has double doors on it and they are open leaving all the guts to spill out. I don't like that feeling at all. Stop looking at me like that. Leave my guts alone, will you?
I've been pretty happy lately. That's good. That's great, actually. I'm becoming a bit more stable lately. Well, a couple nights ago a had a full fledged breakdown and sobbed all over Ari (who very graciously allowed me to be as snot-nosed as I pleased). I kind of feel like I could quite easily do that right now, but I'm far to bitter to and far to bored with being sad.
Got to talk to Jeff, the comic guy, for a while tonight. That was cool. He's fun.
I need to leave Le Moyne. There's no way I can graduate from here and feel confident that I'll have gotten what I wanted out of four years in college. I don't want to leave Ari though...
Went to the Syracuse Heroes Expo over the weekend. Such great fun. I'm looking forward to next year. Maybe I'll dress up as Tifa this time. Photos are to come when I'm good and ready.
There is no point 9.
Something feels very wrong. I'm getting a horribly strong feeling that we're being attacked. We being me and my friends. Somehow, it all revolves around me, though. Everyone is getting hurt and their feelings are being beaten because of something to do with me. I'm... quite frankly, sick of this. It's an issue that just needs to go away. There's no explanation, there's no solution. I can't do anything about it anymore. It just needs to go away now. I realize that the whole world revolves around this idea that leaving a problem is running away from it. What is the big deal about escaping something bad? Things just change. If there's nothing good to come from something, why bother sticking around? The idea of "running away" is too cliche and meant to stay in the stories and movies. Deal with your problems and forget about it. There are too many things to miss in this world if you're sulking.
Oh, got a little rant-y there.
Goodnight. I'm fine.
Posted by Lisa at 12:40 AM
Monday, October 27, 2008
I have other, more relevant things to talk about, but I need to get this bug out of my head first. The others will have to wait for now.
The past couple days I've felt very sensitive to everything and I've been crying a lot; It's a bit of a change for me. I'm terribly lonely and I don't know why, and I don't know what to do about it either. The more I feel alone the more I just want to stay here in my room and not see anyone.
I guess I'm just feeling a little lost in the corner of my own heart.
Hmm... I don't want to go to class, but I will. I'll do things the way I normally do.
Um, I guess that's all. I'm just really sad, okay?
Posted by Lisa at 1:09 AM
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Congratulations to me for making it to 100 posts in so little time! A lot has been going on in my life it seems. Let's not stop here!
Let's finish up with horribly painful story.
Among other things, it was also impossible to handle my contacts, so I ended up wearing glasses for a few days(and there is one of many reasons the people with contacts also have glasses). The process that I had to live with after burning my hand was almost just as bad as when it happened.
There were things like people bumping into me, trying to eat(Ricky had to do a lot for me - opening yogurt lids, bottles of water...), and just coping with the pain that made daily life difficult. After I started going back to class my hand started swelling really bad and made it incredibly hard to handle. I couldn't move my thumb at all. The joints were shot as well, which made me feel a bit like I had a bad case of arthiritis.
Since I'm sure you're curious, I'm giving you a link here to a photo of my wound the day after. You don't have to click the link if you don't want to. Personally, looking at it makes me sick.
The next photos were taken three days after.
As you can see, the wound very quickly became a bloody mess. Everytime I took the bandage off to clean the wound and change the wrappings, I felt like I was going to be sick. Not only was it far beyond any pain I've ever been through, it was also the sickest thing I've ever seen/smelled and it was my own body. It became gradually worse as the flesh began to heal. By the last few days I didn't think I could get through changing the bandage. I was really that close to fainting or becoming physically sick. It wasn't the best thing for the hospital to give me an ace bandage. That's more for sprains and the like. This was an open wound that oozed and bled, so the bandage would get stuck to the dried blood and such and made it all the more painful to take off three times a day. I also had to rub a cream all over it with aided to the oozing and the burning pain. I cried a couple of times when I put it on...
The swelling scared me. I didn't know if it should do that or be that painful. The doctor told me to try to keep moving my thumb even though it killed, otherwise the skin would heal tightly and I wouldn't be able to move it at all later. But, with such terrible swelling, I really just couldn't move it at all. I went to the health office on campus (the one that is a million miles from my dorm) after receiving a call from them asking if I could come in. I guess the security office talked to them and they wanted to check up on me. As lame as it might sound, I was glad they were actually looking out for me.
Ricky came down to the office and waited with me. He also filled out the info sheet since I obviously couldn't. Something makes me think that I felt nasueous at the time.
You know, I really hate doctor's offices. The last three or so times that I've been in one I've cried. This was no exception. But this time it was from pure pain. After the nurse took off the bandage it was like an army of tiny little air molecules began to bite my flesh with their tiny blunt teeth. After some encouragement, the nurse left for a long time to do who knows what. Eventually, the doctor came in to look at the spectical and right away started poking at it asking, "Can you feel that?"
She asked about the burn clinic and why I didn't go. Although I had decided I didn't want to go back, she told me I needed to make an appointment. So, she hopped off to go call the hospital. It was at this point I think that Ricky had to leave to make a class. The woman popped back in the door with an expression on her face that could only make me think of my fourth grade teacher when she was annoyed with her students.
"Can you make it to the hospital in half and hour?"
"Um...well, I don't know anyone who could drive me there, and I can't exactly drive mys-"
"YOU HAVE A SIGNIFICANT BURN ON YOUR HAND."
Yes. I realize that. Thank you for reminding me. And yes, she actually turned that sentence into some kind of loud outburst.
I managed to get a hold of Jim, who was actually sleeping at the time (he needed all the sleep he could possibly get at the time because of his job) and he said he would bring me. The doctor had me wait in another room where I could be watched and they could see that I actually went with him. What did they think I was really going to do?
Anyway, Jim eventually got there ten minutes later. So, by this time it had been about twenty minutes since the woman asked if I could be there in half and hour. Jim didn't realize we were on a time crucial mission and ended up walking me partially to my room. When I realized we weren't going to his car I told him to go get it and meet me outside the dorm. By the time we actually got to the burn clinic, I'm sure we were at least fifty minutes late. They took me anyway.
After another hour of waiting around for the doctor to come back to the room, a large woman came in and had to ask me the usual. What happened, when, have you learned your lesson? I'm sure I was asked all that information at the very least 6 times. The woman asked me to take off my new bandage (I got another one from the health office) and said she would be back soon. I took it off and immediately fell into another pit of absolute agony. She didn't come back for another good fourty minutes.
Doctors... please.... don't leave your patients in agony while you take your sweet time doing anything else that's unrelated.
When she got back she brought three other women with her, all of which proceeded to torture me by putting terrible pressure on my hand while trying to clean it and wrapping cotton-like bandages around it. They also put on a cream similar to the one I had which also burned. The woman asked me what the cream was that I was using, and when I said I didn't remember the name she laughed at me and exploded with, "You're a college student and you don't even know the name of the cream you're using?!"
The rest of that week was just more of the same. Changing the bandages several times a day, gradually bleeding more and more (you could see it through the bandages even), and keeping my hand raised to keep the blood flow under control. There were also several people that wanted to see it, but I never showed them because it was just too painful to remove the wraps. In the last few days I'd take it off and blood immediately would start dripping into the sink. It scared me a little at that point.
A week later I went back to the hospital and the doctor (a different one, a dude) had me peel off the remaining dead skin (which was sickening in itself) and wash the rest of it with soap for a while. After all that he just told me to put lotion on all the time so it wouldn't dry out. Most of the wound was covered by this point. It's completely covered now, but there's still a horrible red scar because all of the layers of skin haven't revived yet. I don't know how long it will take for that to heal, or if it will completely. As for pain, there is only mild pain once in a while which is generally just a feeling like when your foot falls asleep and the blood is becoming active again. I have complete mobility in my hand and the joints don't hurt as often.
That's good. I'm glad that's over.
In other news...
I recently went to Boston to visit Emily and get a break from this campus. I'm now officially in love with that place. I want to live there.
For the most part, I love travel, and I love trains. Not so much this time though... Ari brought me to the train station where we thought we would be running late, when in fact the train was delayed an hour and a half. Once on the train we were traveling for almost an hour when we stopped in the middle of no where with no cell service for fourty-five minutes. It wasn't until the very end of the mysterious stop that we were told we couldn't move because the police had seized the tracks while they were looking for a couple kids. Delinquets? Children playing? Who knows. Started going again for almost ten minutes and then stopped again for another fourty-five, this time without and explanation.
So, I met Emily at the station around midnight, not 9:30 which was the original time of arrival. It was great and exciting even through my dead-tired state. Her immediate response to seeing me was "You're hair is green!"
We got back to her house where I met Brynn, Reba, and Juicebox and then went to bed.
Boston is so full of great things. That's where I belong, okay? Or at least where I need to vacation all the time.
We started off with some coffee at some delicious cafe where we listened to some guy play guitar for a while. Oh yeah, we also stopped in at Black Ink where I nearly went into a cute-coma.
We went to the science museum the first day where I took a copious amount of photos of minerals and animal skeletons. On the way there I found Pooh's house.
Lunch at the park. Pinocchio's pizza, which is the best pizza I have ever had, and boba slushies.
Afterwards we wandered around Boston Commons for a bit and I bought some super cute shoes. There was also some tall building in the distance and some dead apartment complex.
Sunday we went to Jamaica Plains and had breakfast and wandered around until we came to the Arboritum, a giant parklike place. We basically just layed around in the grass for a long time watching people and thinking. It was such a beautiful day for that.
We then trekked to the christian science center place and had another good dose of lounging about and thinking next to a beautiful reflecting pool.
That is one place I would love to spend a lot of time at.
We did a bit more wandering around in a shopping area until we were both really dead and tired. We ended the day with some more boba...
Emily couldn't hang out much after that because she had to go to work, but I managed fine on my own and actually had a wonderful time doing so. I went to an aquarium and saw a lot of jellyfish...
The last photo is the fountain at Christopher Colombus part. How appropriate, as it was Christopher Colombus day.... It was so peaceful there. Splish splish....
On the way to the Aquarium I saw a guy get on the train that reminded me of Bill. I suddenly really wanted a hug and very seriously has to resist the urge to go hug that guy. That would have been intersting, and I almost wish I did it. It made me realize a little how much I wanted to be able to share what I was feeling with people. The place I was in, the atmosphere...
Before going back to Harvard Square I found Feniual Hall and explored there for a bit. There was a man there performing some kinds of tricks, but mostly just entertaining people by picking people out of the crowd to tease.
After that I just went back to Harvard Square and loitered outside the coffee place and listened to the guitarist play. There was a man sitting at a table in front of me who paused his conversation with another man to tell me he liked my hair. He said it looked good on me and that if he was younger and brave, he would do something like that.
Eventually Emily came by and sat around with me and we talked about the events of the day. I described to her my love for trains, the screaming child at the aquarium, and my fascination with people in general.
I'm sure that a lot more happened on that trip in plenty more detail, but I can't remember. The point is, I really loved it there and I can't wait to go back.
On another end of things... I didn't get back to school until 1AM because I missed my train by about 5 seconds. I met someone there named Christopher Grant and we sat around and talked about things like school and music for a while. It all started because he saw my shoes and really liked them and felt the need to tell me. He really wanted to keep in touch with me so he wrote down his name and wanted me to look him up on facebook. Unfortunately, Christopher Grant is a very common name, and also unfortunately, this process caused me to be late for the train.
I cried for a while and called my mom so I could be hysterical for a while. I didn't want to go back to the lobby because I didn't want to run into Christopher and have to explain that he made me late. He didn't really. It was my own responsibility to get there on time...
After a while of running around and talking to ticket vendors I managed to buy a ticket for a bus that was going to Syracuse at 5:oopm. With that settled, I had a good 5 hours to spend in the station. I opted to wander around the city a little which turned out to be incredibly painful. I had a lot of very heavy luggage...
I went to Chinatown which was basically just a clump of dirty chinese and korean resturants, jewlers, adult stores, and bakeries. I wanted to wander into one of the bakeries but didn't feel that much ambition with the mixture of heat and weight on me. I did get some bubble tea though, and that kept me alive for the rest of the wait for the bus. I wandered through Chinatown just enough to realize how dirty and smoke filled it was, and turned around and went back to the station where I just got comfortable and listened to music for several hours.
The bus finally came, I got as comfortable as is possible on a bus, and just closed my eyes for the whole trip. I felt terrible. I didn't really sleep at all, but I was so exhausted. My eyelids were screaming about how heavy they felt and how extremely tired I was, but I couldn't really sleep at all.
The bus finally got to the station and I stumbled off, incredibly confused and lightheaded, but I was met by Ari who gave me a big sympathetic hug and we went back to school.
Great trip. Horrible travel experience.
I was originally planning to write about four other topics, but that's far too much to put into one entry, even if it is my hundredth. The writing is becoming a tad dry, so I'll leave you with this for now. Be seeing you soon!
Let's just say that right now there's just nothing that can make me feel completely good. I can feel great, but lately I haven't been able to be completely at ease. We'll see what will become of this.
Posted by Lisa at 5:37 PM