Tonight I closed something. I didn't lock it, but for now, it is closed, satisfied. I'm happy. That chapter has been concluded and I think it ended well.
I'm really happy. Not in a drunken, hyperactive way. I'm just wonderfully content in this moment. Tonight I finally got to see Master Schirripa.
He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I can't even express how important he is to me. In some ways, I can't believe I waited this long to talk to him, but in other ways, I'm glad it was this way. I know he sincerely cares, and no one could ever change my mind about that. I don't even think I could ever convince myself of that.
I was nervous, just like I always am. I had done it countless times. Walked into the building, walked out, walked back in and sat in the lobby, peaked in the window to see if he was there, but never got close enough to really be able to tell. Tonight, I walked in and wandered a bit, something that had become somewhat of a routine for me. The room that TKD was moved to has a transparent entryway, so I was afraid to walk past. I didn't want the members to see me. There isn't really an expanation for that, but I don't think there has to be. You can understand, can't you?
So, I fought with myself for a while about getting close enough to see if the Master was really in there. Eventually, I just stood by the wall just before the room and listened. Yep, that was him. I could hear his voice. He was instructing the members on some kind of routine. Then, a yell. Then, a chorus of yells. It scared me at first. Its been a long time.
This time, even if I still wasn't going to go in the room, or even walk past it, I wasn't going to move from my spot. I wasn't going to let my fear drive me away anymore.
I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time anyway.
At one point, I was standing next to one of the benches in the hall, staring into the corner of the room I could see, wishing I could just catch a glimpse of his black uniform just so I could know he was there. Then I did. I didn't just see a corner of his uniform, I saw him. He looked right at me, twice even, but I don't think he really saw me. Still, I was happy with that.
I sat again, and before I knew it, he stepped out of the room. That's why I've never been able to meet up with him. He leaves early for something. It was a little after 6:40 at that point.
Again, he looked in my direction, but I don't think he realized it was me. I stood with a dream-like feeling and said, "Excuse me, Sir,"
I wish I could do that again. A timid girl speaking to her Master. What a sweet thought. That was me.
His face wrinkled with that big grin of his, just as I had hoped. A brief hug. He asked me how I was doing, and before I knew it, we were talking about life as he changed his shirt (hahaha, somehow that wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be when he said, "Come over here and sit while I change my clothes").
Everytime I tried to get to TKD to see him, I got nervous because I didn't really know what to say, and I wanted to talk to him about what has been going on, but I never knew how I could say it. I didn't have to though. I can't clearly remember how we got there, but it doesn't matter now. I think... he's just experienced. There are things he has said that has happened in his life that people would probably never believe when they see him. I won't write that here just because it's too personal, but I'll never forget.
I feel like I can be proud of him. I'm happy that he was able to get through things, and can still smile at me. It makes me think that he needed that hug just as much as I did.
I told him that things have been really hard, and I've been having to think a lot about what I'm supposed to do with my life. I didn't even cry. I felt tense, and not because he is intimidating or overpowering. He spoke very softly to me, and although he might not have even noticed he was doing so, I appreciated that more than anyone else could imagine. While other people always tell me to speak up or yell to me because that is how they communicate with people, Master Schirripa could really come to my level and make me feel like we could really talk to each other, not that he would just talk at me like other people do.
And we did talk.
He asked me about my grades, like he was one of my parents, but in a sweet, caring way, not a controlling way. He told me things like, I should do what my heart really wants to do, and that my mind can very easily confused those feelings.
I had always thought that the idea of "following you heart" was too idealistic, and people should really be logical about the decisions they make. I still believe that people should think things through and try to make a good decision. But when he said it, it all of a sudden made sense.
When you do what your heart tells you, it's never a wrong decision.
That is partially what is happening and it's driving me mad(he said it would, and said it probably had for me already, which I agreed with). I know what I want now, but my mind is fighting against me because I don't want to end up doing something stupid. Which is good... but it's still messing me up.
He told me that his son started out in a college for sports, but after an injury, he had no idea what to do. So, he went to his father and said he needed time to figure out what he was doing with his life. His father gracefully agreed, and he took a year off from school. The year after he started school again somewhere else with a whole new idea on life and what he should do with it.
When he was telling me about how he was having a really hard time, but somehow ended up where he is now, he mentioned something about a "greater being." He said, "I don't know what you believe about a high power, but I believe there is some kind of being that is always watching over you." (adapted a bit because I can't remember the exact words)
I'm sure he was going to be late for something because we were talking, but he seemed okay with it anyway. I walked with him slowly towards the door, and it just felt really peaceful at that time. I've always been nervous about other people watching or listening, but at the time we were outside walking, or just no where. It was quiet, and I didn't notice anything else.
I remember this specifically as we walked. He said, "You are very talented, and very beautiful." He probably doesn't realize how good that made me feel. I've been called pretty and cute by people my age, but to be told I am beautiful by a man like that makes all the difference in the world.
I wanted to ask him how he knew I was talented. I really wanted to, but I knew it wouldn't come out right. I don't mean it in a bad way, like, "who are you to tell me that," but instead I was just fascinated with how he can just see that in people. I guess I wanted to know the magic behind it.
"Have you talked to you folks?"
"A little."
I was even specific with my problems. Usually I just say, "It's been rough," but I told him about my old roommate a little and moving out. I quite plainly told him that I want to quit school. He didn't give me a surprised or disappointed look. He could just understand.
He asked what I like to do so I told him about my love for writing and photography. He said he used to do photography with models and when he was talking about it he got real excited saying, "You just know when that is your photo."
I explained that I was in the Communication Television/Media field, which was kind of close to what I want, but not really at all. I love how easily he could understand that.
"You want art."
Do you know what it is like to have someone just know you like that? It's really amazing.
I told him about my work for Roji's and how I was perfectly happy with that. But still, I have to survive somehow.
He mentioned a couple times about some of his close friends that are in that field. I can't remember fully, but he said something about
So much more was said, but it seems like a blur now. What he did say was helpful, and he kept asking me if it was too. "Does that help at all?" Always a nod and a smile. It's like the words he spoke went into my heart rather than my head, because even now, I don't feel so cold.
As we began to part, he said he hoped that if I did stay in this college next year, he hoped to see me back at TKD. I explained to him why I suddenly left, something I had been thinking about forever, but could never completely come up with the right way to say it. I just plainly said what was right there in my mind, and I was completely comfortable with telling him that. I told him about how I'm hard on myself, and I would always worry about it all week. But, I also made sure he knew how much I absolutly loved it there. He understood, and I'm glad.
I also told him that I had been wanting to talk to people about these things for a while, but it had been too hard.
"It was just time."
I was satisfied.
We hugged. It was a hug I could even hang on to, not a half hug, or an uncomfortable one that I just want to get out of. I needed him.
We bowed.
We parted.
It feels good to be happy for a moment like this.
I don't have any regrets about tonight. Usually when I am in a situation like that, after it's over I wish I would have said something more, or I wish I hadn't worn that shirt. Everything was perfect. I didn't hide myself from him like I always do with everyone, especially when I'm hurting. For once, I was completely myself. Tonight, I am content.
I think college has taught me that somewhere, in very strange circumstances, there will be someone who will give you a hug.
-Lisa