Today is a thinking day, with quite a bit to think about. Mind you, thoughts are likely to be scattered and nonsensical.
I have to wonder why people are still hanging on to friendship. It's really painful, you know? Why grip at the very last taste of something when it's only bringing trouble? Shouldn't it just end and be done with?
I've obviously hurt people somehow, and I really can't be bothered to try to mend things. If its over, then fine. Let it be. End it and forget it. Don't try to constantly awaken a feeling that is already lost. If all I bring is trouble for you, then leave me alone. That's all either of us want, isn't it?
By the way, just so I don't get in any trouble, those of you reading this shouldn't think anything that is going on in my mind is directed towards you. Often times, anything in my mind that goes here isn't based on anyone in particular. They are just fragments and puffs of thoughts and feelings. I'm only cleansing the soul a bit.
Speaking of souls, mine hasn't yet recovered. I'm sure it never will full recover either. The medicine has led me to believe that most of it has been taped back together. But somehow it still isn't complete. It's like there is a puncture in it and bits of me are slowly dripping out. I wonder when I'll finally be empty?
I know that sometimes, when I'm feeling down, I just let myself get down really far. I know I can stop it, and I realise that I'm doing this to myself, but when you're sinking, sometimes you just want to sink completely. Sometimes that's all you can do. Then you have to wait for someone to pull you out, but that doesn't always happen.
So much is expected of me right now, and it really shouldn't be. Have't I been through enough for people to understand that I can't handle normal life? Every decision I have to make in the day weighs me down. It's heavy....
Right now, I just want to start over. Clean. Completely. I want to begin without any attatchments hanging on to me. Maybe I'll run away to a land that doesn't exist.
I want to be away from everyone. Alone.
I wish that dreams could really be an "escape." They could be a place where no one else can find you. It would be safe. It would be a place where you could be quiet, and think, or perhaps not think, and simply be.
Instead, dreams are a mush of nonsense that often leaves us dripping with a demented horror left behind in our mind in a place we can't run from when it chases us, or find it when we need it.
-Lisa
To Be a Machine
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 6:41 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
0 comments:
Post a Comment