I don't think I've ever been at such a hard point before this school year. Deaths, insanity, quarrels, and now this. I'm really at a loss.
As I write this, I am not being influenced by raging feelings. Feelings are always a part of a human's thoughts, but in this particular moment, I am just saying that they aren't making me blind. I feel like I can see very clearly, but the only things to see is emptiness.
It's like the whole world is trying to get to this goal, but they don't know what it is because no one has ever seen it. Still, they want to get there. I can see it though. The people aren't getting closer, they're just running in place. Only those who stop and look can see the end, and it's just an end. An empty area.
I'm just aiming towards nothing. Maybe other people can be okay with that, but I can't. I can't live knowing that I'm not going anywhere.
People tell me things like I have talent, there are a lot of things I can do, there's potential. But for what? What does that even matter? What if I don't even want to do any of that?
All I know is I like to write what I want to write, and that I like using cameras.
That's it.
That doesn't mean I want to make either of those into this life-long career. I used to think I wanted to, but I'd rather not have to write garbage I don't care about, or have an editor breathing down my neck, pestering me to get done. I don't want to film or photograph stupid things I don't care about either. I don't want to be in television. I hate television.
That's all that there is though. Either that, or be poor.
Maybe I want to be poor.
Honestly, all I want is to freelance. I know it's hard, but I really don't care. If someone wants to buy anything from me, I will be flattered. I hope that someone will, somewhere. But I don't want my life to be ruled by someone else. I hate this.
I want to quit school. There is nothing here for me. Nothing. There is nothing I look forward to doing here. The only thing waiting for me in the years to come is more suffering. I'm not saying this because of my current feelings or the situations I've had to deal with. There is just simply nothing I want from here. The classes I've taken so far, I can't even remember. It's just a waste of time. The classes I'm taking now that I thought I would like, have blown up into a disaster. I dread going to them. They make me sick.
I'm really at a loss here. I don't know what I want to do. I know what want now, but it's impossible.
That's the most irritating part about this. It's not impossible. I'm really at a conflict with myself. I know my parents know best. But at the same time, I don't think this is really where I should be. Am I just crazy? Even if I am, shouldn't I at least be comfortable a little?
This is so hard to put into words.
For a different person in my situation, if they wanted to get an apartment, they would. It's probably cheaper than what it costs to be in a dorm, and it is much more pleasant. Its real too; not a world of sick, high, drunk teenagers that think they are adults. If anyone else wanted to, they would just leave. Simple.
So why am I here? I really can't figure that out. If I don't want to be here, why do I have to be? What is holding me here? Nothing. Except an invisible law.
It's the same with school in general. I know people who didn't bother to go to college and they're doing just fine. Or, those who did go to college, and tried their best, never ended up using their degree at all. It's just whatever job happened to tumble through that gets picked up, and you work at that. Who uses a college degree anymore...?
Most of it is garbage anyway. All people want is the name of the school on some stupid piece of paper. No one cares what you know, or if you're any good at something. I want to be out of this.
If I want to write... why don't I just write? Do I really need four philosophy classes and two religion to do that? Who can force me to? You can't stop me from writing if I don't partake in this joke.
But I am being stopped. I'm forced to stay in this pitiful society. I just want to be out of this hell. It's pointless. It isn't helping me at all. In fact, it has only destroyed who I am, and I know I can never be the person I once was. It's like going through war, and I just don't want to be in it anymore. I surrender.
Yeah, I kind of want to talk to someone, but I wouldn't know what to say. Lately, I haven't been able to speak any words to someone I know cares without crying. So, I don't say anything. What would I say anyway? I wouldn't know where to start. I know they can't help me anyway. I don't know what to do. I guess I'm the only one that can make a decision for myself. But... that doesn't get rid of the "law" either.
Some of you may be suspecting that the "law" is my parents wishes. You are partially right. But it isn't that simple either. I am my own law also. I know what my parents want me to do. They aren't overbearing (most of the time) about school issues, but they still have expectations on certain things. Going to college is kind of just something that you do, you know? After high school is college. People do that. Not going to college is kind of taboo. I don't know... it's just expected.
That's why I say that if I was anyone else, I could just drop out of school right now. Without ties, and no one expecting you to live up to something, you can do a lot of things you couldn't do before. If I really didn't care what my parents wanted, I could.
That sounds really terrible. My parents aren't bad people. They really know plenty more than me. I know that I should listen to what they have to say, and I do. I can't really think of any time I went against what they said when something major came along. Things have been okay too. I believe in them. They have more insight on life matters than I could ever have.
But....
What if this is an exception? Can they really see into my heart that much? Not even just my heart. My soul. It hurts, and I really don't think that anyone else can imagine what this feels like.
Am I going to screw up? Am I going to do something really stupid? I don't think I will, but whatever decision I make, I'm sure I'll regret something. If I quit school now, I'll think that my life probably could have been better if I didn't. But if I don't do something soon...
Is that all there really is? A better life? What is that? Wealth? I don't care about that. I just want to live. Why does that have to be so difficult?
How do normal people get by? Do they just accept it? Or do they just not think about it?
I feel totally lost. I barely even do anything when I go to work now. I login and then go back to my room. I could really care less. No, I don't need medicine. This isn't about me being confused and depressed anymore. This is me with real thoughts and real feelings. Maybe I need something for stress, or something to keep me stable, but medicine isn't going to change my feelings towards this useless time of school. Neither is time. I'm not waiting for something.
I just want to enjoy life. I can't be content with anything. I want to be genuinely happy. Every moment I have, I'm just crying and moping about how stupid life is.
What about just switching schools, or doing college online?
I don't think that would really solve anything. The point is that there isn't really anything I want to do anymore. It's not that I'm lazy or that I just don't want to work. I would like to work, but it has to be a certain kind. My dream is to work in a bakery, where people can chat while they drink their coffee or tea (or hot chocolate!) and just enjoy moments of sweetness in a cozy area. I would bake cookies and brownies and cute little cakes with pretty frostings. Isn't that simple?
Anything I want to do, I want to just do it myself. I'm tired of asking this world for help. I want it to leave me alone and let me do what I want for a change.
This is what I really want.
I want an apartment for me and my cat to live in. I'll cook breakfast, we'll watch cartoons together. I'll paint on the walls if I feel like it. We'll share stories in the evening and cuddle on the couch all night if we want, not having to worry.
It's too surreal, isn't it. I wonder if I'm just idealising something that really isn't that sweet. I did that with college. I thought it would be great. I would be myself, and find people who I could be comfortable with, and we would be a quirky, artsy crew, learning things you couldn't learn anywhere else.
It turned into something I never wanted. I can't even put it into words. I just really hate this.
I would miss things. If I didn't come back here, I would have people to miss. I really do love some people here, but somehow we still aren't close. People I respect. Like Master Schrippa, KB, Hutch, Roche, Hannan....
Most of these people... no, I'm sure that all of these people don't know how must I really look up to them.
Isn't that funny? Adults. Why is it that I am always drawn more to people so much older than me? I suppose it doesn't matter.
The time here has been dreadfully horrendous, but there have been good things too. I can live on my own. I feel like I've learned more about myself, and I think I take care of myself and my surroundings more. I even started recycling. I've been given a different perspective on a lot of things.
But, I'm ready to be done now. I've learned the important things.
Am I kidding myself...? I get this feeling that I'm pulling a big joke on myself.
By the way, I look fun today.
-Lisa
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