There's a lot to talk about, isn't there? Maybe. What comes next, I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see.
I've been feeling better lately. I've been able to function and I've even had some genuine good days with good feelings and thoughts. I don't exactly like the idea that I have to take medicine to get there, but as long as I don't want to die, that's good, right?
Its been really tough. Life seems so pointless, and yet we have to keep living. I don't even know what we're living for. I still have thoughts like these, but the natural state of the euphoric human mind says, "Oh well."
There's been a lot I've wanted to figure out about myself since the beginning of... whatever this is, but I haven't had the mental stability to. I haven't had the willpower either. I want to know what it is that is making me feel so down. What is wrong? What do I want? What will make me feel better?
These are the questions other people ask me, but I never know what to say. I generally make a statement related to school. "I'm stressed," or, "I have a lot of work to do." Are these even true? That's what I want to look at.
Did you know that I can't even remember what happened at the beginning of the semester? I do vaguely, but it's like there's a hole where those memories are. I think if I just sat and thought for a while, I might be able to remember pieces, or I could go back and reread my emails and blog entries, but I don't want to have to return to that. I can't remember, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still suffering. It's like a deep wound, but I don't know how it got there. I guess it doesn't matter how, that fact is that it hurts and needs to be taken care of.
But, I don't even know where the wound is.
Sometimes I wish an English professor would read my blog and think, "Wow, she has great style," or, "She's brave to write so truthfully(in a good way)." Likewise, I wish other certain professors would read and be able to better understand the way I think. I'd want them to kind of stumble upon it without me having to tell them. That's weird, don't you think?
As a kid I would always show my diary entries to my mom. Somehow, just writing my thoughts down isn't good enough for me. If they can't be read, there's no relief. I want people to know how I feel, but I can't tell them.
Now I'm blank. What was I getting at again...?
Lately, I feel like I'm out of words. Like, I've used them all up and now there is nothing left to say.
What has been happening lately?
Well, I rediscovered why I never involve myself in forums anymore. I was on the Hello-Online forum for a couple days (observing anyway), trying to keep up to date with what is happening with Kago Ai (News article). Forums are just full of people who think they know everything. It's all just people misunderstanding each other, and correcting each other on a completely irrelevant topic. I've heard people say before that they don't care if they say something mean to someone online, because they are just a person on the Internet. Yeah, a person. Just because they are online doesn't make them any less human.
There's also more than I can take of speculation, especially on Hello!Online. All people ever do are speculate on who is going to be in a scandle next, who is going to graduate, who is more truthful in the idol world, what people probably think, and what they might do next. I'm really tired of hearing what people think other people might do. You can't anaylze someone's life like that and formulate what is going to come next. Not only is it disturbing, it's dehumanizing.
Ah, one more thing. The majority of blogs, forums, and comments left on news articles or products, have a terribly negative response... from fans. Don't you find that a bit odd to be a fan of someone, but continually complain about them and say bad things? I guess I'm the only one who likes who I admire...?
Moving on...
I guess I'll give a brief taste of my feelings on Kago's "return."
I was really happy to see her again. When she was in Morning Musume, and even after she graduated, I really didn't like her all that much. I didn't exactly follow Momusu in those stages though, because I only started keep close tabs around late 2005(?). Although I did like them for a long time, I wasn't well versed on the history of the group, or the present either. I didn't know who had graduated, and who had a solo career. I remember printing of a page with their names, photos, and generation so I could study it. Now, it's sometimes hard for me to grasp the idea of people not being able to tell the girls apart.
Anyway, for a while I didn't like her because I felt like she was a nuisance. She was too much of a troublemaker and she didn't follow the "rules" of being an idol (not the real rules, things like etiquette). To me, she didn't seem to take her position seriously.
Eventually I grew to love her though. I realized she was just having fun, like a girl her age should. I can't image what kind of pressure she must have had at the time (and after reading the article I learned it was even more than just the job). I'm glad she could have fun with it. Somehow, everyone just loved her.
Kago looks so grown up in the photos. I really like that. Other people have said that she is "trying to look grown up." To me, I believe she just honestly has grown up. She is 20.
She looks beautiful, don't you think? I didn't recognize her at first. I hadn't read the headline yet and just saw the photo and though, "Who is that cute girl?" She was always cute before, but that was a sort of little girlish, idol-cute. Now she's just a very sweet, beautiful young woman.
While others have said she is going back into show business (I don't know if this is just a rumor, or if its official), I really can't say how I feel about that. She has enormous amounts of talent, and I would just love to be able to see more of her, but I want to be able to see the true girl, not a fancied-up pop singer. I just want everything to go well with her. It's in these situations where I wish I could be her friend. Not just a fan to cheer her on, or a friend because I admire her. I just wish I could be someone she could always turn to. I don't think she has anyone for that. The life of an idol really is sheltered.
I just hope she'll be okay.
I kind of expected there would be a different reaction to this news. I thought people would be doing everything they could to get information, or go to extensive lengths to show they're excitement that she would be returning to show business. Most of what I've seen is people being interested at first, analyzing, speculating, and then going on to other things. It's like... "I'll look at this later, or sometime."
Well, it's time for some photos.
I purchased some candy from Wizzy Wigs, and was kind of disappointed. The one thing I wanted more than anything, Strawberry mochi, was discontinued. Unfortunately, they didn't say this on the page, and instead sent my order, minus the mochi. If I had known, I probably wouldn't have bought anything at all.
I got this melon mochi, and I was going to put the strawberry and melon together for a cute watermelon-esque photo. Now, it's just melon, but still kind of cute. I don't particularly like the taste. It tastes just like the korean hard candy, but somehow I don't like it in this form. The filling has a definate bean paste texture that I didn't ever notice on the strawberry.
This is a close-up leaf cookie from the bakery in Kinokuniya. Delicious!!
Eel! That was actually really good! I'd love to go back and have some more.
This was what Erika ordered. Eel, salad, teriyaki chicken, rice, dumpling soup. I also got dumpling soup and rice. Asher wanted me to try his miso soup and asked what it reminded me of. All I could think of was the barn. Cows. He said he did too, but he thought he was just crazy. It didn't taste bad, or smell bad. It was just... a memory? It was like we could taste the smell (but not in a bad way).
I went to their house for the weekend and we played video games and walked around Princeton and NYC. It was a nice time. I liked being able to be away from school.
That's all for now. I can't remember the other stuff I was going to say, but I'll write again eventually.
-Lisa
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