I know, it's probably terribly boring to just read about my problems all the time. Lately, I just haven't been able to put my mind to anything else.
School is going to be over soon, which I have really been looking foreward to. I really need to get out of here so I can think. I was imagining myself at home though, and somehow I just didn't get the comfort that I wanted.
My whole life, the safest place to be has been my home. There, I wasn't attacked, and there were people I could relax with, have fun with, and people that could understand and care for me.
Things were going especially well in the spring of 2005. At the time I was still struggling with illness, and I think that was the start of my mom's problems too, but in that time we were able to spend a lot of days just being together and sharing thoughts. I remember going out with her and we would get some fun snacks and a game to bring home.
Then, that ended. For some reason, things just couldn't be the same in my home after that. The change happened about a year later I believe. It was around that time that my sister transfered schools and started living at home. I went absolutely mad. I hated going home after school, because it didn't feel like my territory anymore. I guess I had just really gotten used to the idea of me being the only child in the house. I was the eldest in a way. If you've kept up with my previous posts from that time, I'm sure you might have an idea, if I even portrayed it correctly.
It has been nothing but conflicts since then.
While in highschool, I wanted to go home because I felt so terribly at school, but at the same time I didn't want to go home because I didn't feel like I fit there anymore.
Then, as college approached, I was eager to be able to get out of the house and live on my own, but then again, at the same time, I didn't want to leave what I have always known as home and be thrown into a chaotic world I knew nothing about.
At Christmas time, I got to go home, and I felt like I could start over. Things keep changing though, for me, and for my family. I felt like I grew up, quite considerably, and I felt like I lived better. When I went home, it felt cold and empty. No one was ever home. Kristi was at school all day, and both of my parents were at work until late into the night. I had gone home to see my family, and none of them were there. The house was really a mess, and it looked like many of the items in the house had not been touched since I left, and if they had, they were treated roughly and just thrown back into place because whoever was using it was in a rush to leave. The animals were sad and lonely from the same fact of going from having a family, to being abandoned while the sun was up.
I remember that when my brother returned to the house while he was in college, it was always a big deal to make the house sparkling clean for when he got home, and to make sure his room was clean and ready for him. Everyone got excited. His friends would come over the same night he got in, and they would stay up all night playing games and just being boys.
Maybe I want a life that just isn't meant to be mine. When I come home, there's just dust and emptiness. My family isn't there, and if they are, they are stressed or working or being lazy because they've had so many other things to do.
I don't want to live like that.
My friends aren't around when I come home either. They're too busy for me. "I might get a job," or "I'm only here for a couple weeks, then I'm going to see my friends in whereverland," or "My dad won't let me." Somehow, it just isn't conveinient to have relationships. That's girls just being girls.
I don't care that much though. I've gotten used to it by now. It's painful sometimes though when I know I could make something great, but need the help of friends, and they aren't there, or just don't want to. It's hard enough to get rejections like that, but it's even worse when I know that there is something I love, and something that could be great, but what is a terrific idea is shot down repeatedly. No one could imagine how many plans I've made to create something or ideas I've had that would run so perfectly. Things that could just turn into something so wonderful and creative (speaking mostly of video related things), but they are abandoned.
The things I want to do more than anything, I can't. Do you know how painful that is?
As for family, specifically speaking, there is never food in the house. We don't eat real meals anymore, just TV dinners, or something that can just be quickly heated up. We don't even sit at the table for meals anymore. We used to have lunch too. Dishes pile up and are never cleaned. Washing windows? Does that ever happen anymore? It's too much of a bother to get in the car to go anywhere. Getting dressed in the morning is tiring.
These things aren't really anyone's fault. I just hate that things have changed so much from what they used to be. No one seems to ever have the energy to do anything anymore.
Now, I need to leave. I'm done with this life, and I want to go home. But I'm afraid to go back to something like that. I live a certain way now, and it's differently than the way I used to. It's different from the way my family lives, so it is going to be hard to put those together.
There's a parental issue floating around in my mind to, and this one hurts the most.
First of all, my dad.
All of my life he's continually told me that he has "high hopes" for me. He expects me to do everything right and make all the right decisions and listen to him and take his word on everything. I've basically been okay with that until now too. I completely trust him. He's a brilliant guy, and he has the best advise I've ever heard from anyone. I know he really cares deeply about me too.
This is really hard.
At the same time though, he can't be in my mind. He doesn't know what I'm feeling, and most of the time he really just doens't know the details of what's going on at all. He doesn't really have time for that, so we usually don't tell him. I'm afraid that when I go home he's going to have all of the answers for me. The answers... that I really don't want, I suppose. He's so full of logic, that feelings usually aren't taken into account. Of course, a person shouldn't run on feelings, but they can't be ignored easily either. Sometimes you should be able to be happy... right?
It isn't all the big issues either. There are things that he has always said to me, like, "You need to get outside," or "You shouldn't play games so much." These things are true. All of his you need's and you should's or shouldn't's, are true. But... I don't think I could take it anymore. I'm at a point where I need to be deciding and discovering these things on my own now. Being told things like that just makes you want to defy it all the more. Where I am now, I think it would be degrading too.
I don't know. Maybe he won't say these things to me. But, has he really realized that I'm older now? Does he even want to accept that I can take care of myself now?
As for my mom... this I think will be even more painful to talk about.
We've always.. always been very close. She's been my best friend for years. I've always been able to talk to her about anything.
This is so hard to admit, but things have really changed between us. It's mostly me, and I know that. I don't know if it's just because of what I've gone through this year, or just growing up. Now, when I call her on the phone, I really want to talk to her about serious things, especially since I've been really upset lately. But, now when I get on the phone with her, I just get mad about stuff. I get annoyed with the things she says, or when she changes the topic with something like, "The dog did this today." I don't know if she realizes that I desperately need to cry to someone. Her answers are always something like, "We'll figure it out," or "You just need time to heal." It isn't that I need an answer right now anyway. I just need comfort, and I'm not getting that right now. Sometimes I want to call her because I'm stressed or lonely, but I don't because I know it won't help anyway. I'm out of words to say to her sometimes, and I'm sure she'll just change the topic to something completely unrelated anyway.
Maybe she's just tired of hearing me complain. That's all I ever do around her anymore.
This weekend we're supposed to go to Asher's house. She keeps telling me how excited she is, and I want to be too, but I really just can't get my mind to do that anymore. All I can see right now is how painful it's going to be because we're going to have to talk about the future and then have to move on like we aren't affected by it at all.
I don't understand what I really want anymore, and what will make me happy. I just want things to be the way they were when the only things we had to worry about is picking the raspberries off the bush before the birds got to them.
-Lisa
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