I feel like I'm leading you on to believe something that isn't true. The words I write here don't make sense when I re-read them. I just don't know how to put this situation I'm in into comprehensible words.
The way is sounds, is that I'm tired of being in school, and that I just don't want to work, or that I don't have any confidence in myself.
This isn't what I'm trying to get at though. I have confidence in myself for the most part. I am basically content with my abilities. I would always like to improve, and learn more, but school just isn't doing that for me.
School just isn't working for me. It might help me get a job at some point, but that isn't the kind of job I want.
I don't want to be in this school, or an school ever again.
It's like I'm just compromising. Barely that even. It's like.... This class might touch on a subject I'm sort of interested in, even though it has nothing to do with my major. I guess I'll take that. Every class I've looked at is made up of things I don't care about in the least. Even subjects that are supposed to revolve around the things I'm interested are just a jumble of useless information. Like the history of film, or SPEECH.
The way is sounds, is that I'm tired of being in school, and that I just don't want to work, or that I don't have any confidence in myself.
This isn't what I'm trying to get at though. I have confidence in myself for the most part. I am basically content with my abilities. I would always like to improve, and learn more, but school just isn't doing that for me.
School just isn't working for me. It might help me get a job at some point, but that isn't the kind of job I want.
I don't want to be in this school, or an school ever again.
It's like I'm just compromising. Barely that even. It's like.... This class might touch on a subject I'm sort of interested in, even though it has nothing to do with my major. I guess I'll take that. Every class I've looked at is made up of things I don't care about in the least. Even subjects that are supposed to revolve around the things I'm interested are just a jumble of useless information. Like the history of film, or SPEECH.
I don't need or want someone to ask, "Have you ever considered this class/school/job/mindset?" I don't need any of that. I don't really know what I need. Not just a vacation either. Students all over campus are burnt out and just dying for summer vacation. Everyone wants school to be over. I want school to be over, but not just for the summer. I want to be out of here for good. It's not that I need a break to collect my thoughts on this. I don't need time to heal. I know what I want now. Just ignoring what I want and continuing with this idea that time is going to solve everything is just an excuse not to do anything. Time. I'm not waiting for anything. What can time do for me?
In the end, I just know that it is impossible for me to do this for three more years.
I wonder if this is making any more sense than my last entry.
This is hard. I can't even think anymore. I've gone over this situation in my mind so many times that it's just becoming a blur. I can't stop thinking about it either. I can't go through a day without wondering what's going to happen to me, and who I am going to disappoint. I know that if this ever ends, someone is going to be upset with me. If no one else, I will be with myself.
I wonder if this is making any more sense than my last entry.
This is hard. I can't even think anymore. I've gone over this situation in my mind so many times that it's just becoming a blur. I can't stop thinking about it either. I can't go through a day without wondering what's going to happen to me, and who I am going to disappoint. I know that if this ever ends, someone is going to be upset with me. If no one else, I will be with myself.
When did life become so hard?
I've been feeling constantly sick lately. Like I'm waiting for something to happen. It's the feeling you get when you know you have a huge speech to make in the next couple minutes, but those minutes are lasting forever.
When I lived in pretend
My goals were clear
The future was bright
And pretend let me believe
There was something I lived for
I guess I'll just think about this some more and try to come up with a way to present this problem more clearly.
-Lisa
0 comments:
Post a Comment