This is hard to talk about. I don't know if it's just the night, or if I really don't want to dive back into it right now.
A lot of things have happened, and I'm an emotional wreck. My body shakes constantly, my heart races at times, and I feel like I'm going insane.
I got a hold of some medicine, and got to a doctor (a real doctor, not a counselor) who signed the forms to get me a single room next year. At the point I'm at right now, I can't even really be satisfied with that though. I feel like it won't really help. I'll still be alone, and this time I really will be.
I guess I've grown attached to Jessica. I still like it when she goes to class, or somewhere during the evening or weekend, because I can have time to myself. It's been nice having someone around that I know isn't watching me and waiting to attack me all the time. I feel safe around her. Once in a while we'll just say little things to each other, or ask a question, or say something philosophical. I like that.
Next year, I think I'll miss that. I know I'll miss her. It's become normal to have her and Anthony around. She's going to do school online next year, and I think things just won't be the same.
Besides that, I've been doing better. I haven't been staying up all night in tears, and I've started doing a couple things again. Miraculously, I started typing up some ideas for a story when I was at home. I have two pages of notes so far, and I'm still brainstorming. Hopefully something can come out of that.
The problem isn't solved. Whatever that might be. I've been able to cope with things better, but whatever it is that is eating me away is still there.
Sometimes, when people are depressed they say things they don't really mean. The world seems dark to them, and they grab at everything that's sad to clump into themselves. After they are done with it, they return to a "regular" state, forgetting all the problems that seemingly troubled them before.
That isn't what is happening here. Everything is clinging to me, and its all very real. Even when I'm enjoying myself, the troubles are still hanging on. I'm not always thinking about it, but that doesn't mean they are gone. This isn't just something I can move on from. I'm being broken apart, and I really don't know why.
That's all for now.
-Lisa
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