Today feels just like that day not so long ago when I was sick and everyone was mad at me about it.
http://fallenshadows2.blogspot.com/2006/03/notes-in-morning.html
The notes I wrote that morning were all really senseless, but I just needed to write something. That day was so painful because I was still sick, and couldn't help it. Everyone was mad at me for it too and wanted me to just get over it. "It's in your head."
Well, now it really is. I'm going insane, and I don't think anyone believes me. It's another day of me breaking apart, and people are just tired of having to put up with me.
Do they think I'm not tired of it?
Today, while other people are living their lives normally, I've set this whole household into a stale state; a place where no one speaks to each other because they're afraid.
rav·ish (rāv'ĭsh) tr.v. rav·ished, rav·ish·ing, rav·ish·es
To seize and carry away by force.
To rape; violate.
To overwhelm with emotion; enrapture
Why do I feel so alone?
What's keeping me alive?
I hate making entries so cryptic, but I really don't know what else to say. My thoughts are broken up, and what you read, is exactly what's running through my soul. It doesn't really make sense there either.
des·o·late /adj. ˈdɛsəlɪt; v. ˈdɛsəˌleɪt/ [adj. des-uh-lit; v. des-uh-leyt] adjective, verb, -lat·ed, -lat·ing. –adjective
1.barren or laid waste; devastated: a treeless, desolate landscape.
2.deprived or destitute of inhabitants; deserted; uninhabited.
3.solitary; lonely: a desolate place.
4.having the feeling of being abandoned by friends or by hope; forlorn.
5.dreary; dismal; gloomy: desolate prospects. –verb (used with object)
6.to lay waste; devastate.
7.to deprive of inhabitants; depopulate.
8.to make disconsolate.
9.to forsake or abandon.
Something is happening to me that I don't understand.
It killed me when she came in and said we would get up at 5AM to leave for Hell so I could get there in time for my 10:30 class. I feel like I've been so abused in this place, and yet we still have to suffer so I can return.
The last of my soul is being eaten away.
Every solution and explanation I've received is wrong.
The one thing I thought would help did the opposite. All I wanted with to sit with someone I loved and cry and drone on about how much I'm hurting. It made things worse it seems though. Now the daily atmosphere is even more broken.
It's over.
Even being so torn apart, I'm still expected to live normally, because society won't accept anything else. Even though I'm dying, I am expected to act as though eveything is alright. An insane person, if not in an instituion, or labeled, "INSANE", must live life normally, constantly pretending everything is alright, because society won't tolerate anything else.
Home isn't even safe anymore. Something isn't right.
I don't want this to be happening. More than anything, I don't want to look back and see what I waste this was, and how this stupid experience destroyed me. I don't want this in my history. When people look back to who I was, I don't want them to see this. I don't want to be depressed.
What do I want?
I don't know. I don't know what can fix this.
Right now, I want to never go back to college again. I want to quit. But I know I can't. Why, even? I don't know, I just can't. If I quit school now, the rest of my life would be destroyed.
Well, I guess it's not doing so good right now anyway.
If I quit school, I would always feel like I missed out on getting an "education" and experiencing things. I would also have a pile of people mad at me forever. It would haunt me.
But... I want to die. I wonder which is worse?
I know it wouldn't solve this "problem" anyway. Nothing will anymore.
There's nothing I can do, and there's nothing anyone else can do either. When I told that to mom last night, she was just silent. It's true.
There isn't even anything imaginary that would help. It's not like I desperately want to travel somewhere, or that I wish I could have five elephants, or a million dollars. Nothing. There's absolutly nothing.
Time will help.
How can it? What am I waiting for? Until the day comes where I actually just run away somewhere? Until I kill myself? Until someone accepts that I'm really going crazy?
To the best of my knowledge, I'm going to outline some stuff that sucks.
1. Highschool days (they weren't always bad, mostly just when that jerk babygirl screamed at me and spit on me)
2.Sick and depressed forever (from about 2004 to early 2007)
3.Mom sick forever (I thought she was going to die. She did too 2004 to early 2007)
4.Sandy dies
5.Wart dies
6.ET dies
7.Cami dies
8.Grandpa dies
9.College stress
10.Some friend problems
11.Roommate from Hell
12.Moving
13.Car accident
14.Sudden depression
It's like everything is just hitting me all at once. More so towards the end. I can't handle this anymore. I'm in Hell, and no one will let me out.
I'm really scared. I feel like my brain is deteriorating. My heart is always beating fast. I don't want this to happen. I'm so scared.
Desolate
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 1:55 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
0 comments:
Post a Comment