It's been ten days...
This break has been good for me. It's allowed for me to take time to think clearly and not forcingly. I've been writing on legal sheets for a few days, and through that, I'm better able to sort out some thoughts. I'm not trying to prove anything there, because I'm the only one who sees it. I don't have to try to explain anything, or convince you that what I'm saying is true.
For now, I will continue to write only for myself, places peices of the puzzle down by myself without any outside influence. I have to clean my mind of what other people think, or what I think they will.
I will continue to update this as events present themselves, and I will write them down just as I experience it. I also may or may not include bits from my legal sheets.
I haven't run away yet. By running away, I just mean traveling, and trying to get away from my "other self" that keeps me locked up here. I'm not running away from my family, or from problems. I know you can't do that.
Travel makes me feel pure. To be away. Alone. I am just who I am. I haven't gotten to consider who I am for a while, and going away will help me to see that. Alone.
Can I be a normal college student?
Things don't have to make sense. They often don't. But to be normal, is to just accept it, I think. Stress comes and goes, but there is always something wringing out every last drop of blood from my heart.
I feel like I need to start over. Simpler.
You know what I would really like? To go back to a time in my life where I was completely content. Yes, I was there once. It lasted about a week. It was when I was at Asher's apartment and spent time with him and his friends. I loved that more than anything. Even if I could go back, it might not be of any help to me now.
I think I had a huge setback tonight. Yes, I returned somewhere, but not anywhere I even wanted to go again. I feel the same way as I did then. I can see clearer now, though. Whatever this is comes from the bottom of my soul in a place that shouldn't be sought. But, I do, more often than anyone should.
Its life in general that makes me sad. I've watched it pass so quickly. As hard as I try, I can't hang onto it. I've done all I can to cherish moments, the passing of time, and feelings that freely flow through my body.
Is it normal for a 19 year old girl to feel like she's dying? I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to be tragic all the time. Night is when I'm so vulnerable to this. It has been with me so long, I should give it a name. The Dark Hour, maybe.
I can't understand this. I've lived a good life, and I'm making every effort to make it better everyday. Sometimes, I am very happy with who I am, and where I am. So, why do I keep getting this feeling that I'm missing my own life?
The image that keeps coming to mind is of Asher and Erika when they were still in college. Early. Even before I went to stay for the week. I hardly knew her at the time, and then, it didn't matter much. I was just a kid.
It was beautiful though. The two of them. I wish I could have watched. I wish I could have been in their minds and been able to understand their thoughts.
They're married now. School is gone and now they have a son.
Why does this make me so upset?
Maybe its them. Maybe I feel like I missed out on having time with them. I knew I would never go back after that week. I saw them when they came to visit, but I knew I would never be a part of them like I was at that time. I'm just a child, and they are adults. They are a family.
I want us to be kids again. I want Asher to be there to teach me things, I want Erika to be the most adorable, dorky girl I've ever met. I want them to be madly in love. I want them to see me as an equal.
They'd never be able to look at me the same if they knew what a wuss I was.
Sometimes I wish good times would never come. They're just there to tease you and they will leave you wanting more.
My heart is breaking.
Again.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to turn out like this. I was really just going to end when I said I would start writing here a bit again. I guess I can't control these feelings still. Go ahead and blame my state of insanity.
I need to try to sleep and get rid of tonight.
-Lisa
Pressure Zone
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 12:51 AM
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