Feeling a bit down today. Probably a mixture of being alone for the first time in a while, not being regular with my medicine (or other things), the gloomy weather, and this bothersome cold.
As for the cold, I'm coughing a lot today. My throat isn't as sore, and although I still have a constant headache, it isn't horrendous. The coughing hurts though. Everytime I cough there is a harsh sting in my chest. It should be over soon though. I can make it until then.
I went for my eye exam today. It was fun to be able to drive again (fast even!). I did end up forgetting to switch lanes though, and found myself on the bridge to Canada. After a twenty minute wait though, I managed to get back on track. It was also fun to be doing "adult things" by myself. Usually, if I'm with my mom and there are other adults around, I just let her handle things. But this time, I felt like I was on the same level as everyone else.
On the way back, I stopped at school to see Mrs. Kemp. Beth. I don't know what to call her now. I'm okay with saying "Melanie" finally. She wasn't there though, and neither was Melanie. I did run into Trudy and Candy though. I miss Candy...
A monitor person started chewing me out for being in the hallway during class and having a cell phone. Then she realized I wasn't a student. Apparently, she thought I was an eighth grader!
Ah, as for the eye exam, I'm going to have to get a special kind of lens for my right eye. I have a stigmatism, but somehow I expected that. It'll be nice to be able to see the way I should finally. I'll also be getting glasses, so I won't have to worry about falling asleep and slowly killing my eyes. The frames aren't bad. Cute, I dare say. I couldn't decide between that pair, or a sleeker, intelligent girl pair, so I asked the lady at the desk (who is always more than willing to provide advice on frames) and she said the first was more of a college girl look, so I should get them, being in college. Silly reasoning, but good all the same. We'll see...
It was on my way back that I started wishing more and more that Ricky was here. Again, nothing particularly exciting was happening, but just to have him sitting in the car while I drive would have been nice. I think about him a lot, but everyday I get more lonely for him. That sounds silly, doesn't it? It's strange how you can just be living your life, and you're fine, and suddenly you can't go a day without someone.
We talked about things last night that I've wanted to talk about for a long time, but never knew how to. Things regarding my faith... I've never had to try to explain these things before, because I've always been around other Christians, so I haven't needed to. This is difficult for me, especially after the beating I took this year. But, I still know where I stand, and I can't be moved. That doesn't come without heartache though... The Enemy may be down, but he isn't gone.
Adults are always telling kids that they need to look towards their future to prepare, or to see that there are consequences to actions, good and bad. Things like that. But, I think I do that too much. That's why I could never get along well with other people my age. I could see far beyond what they were creating at the time. The majority of my good times were spent with people older than me. When I was in 8th grade, my best friends were college students.
I enjoyed that, and I still do. I like being able to understand things that other people can't at this point in their lives. I enjoy being a part of a bigger society that most people can't see. Sometimes, it gets lonely though. I keep waiting for people to catch up.
But, I think now I need to learn to live where I am right now. To enjoy the fleeting moment, in a way. Just because I can see that something will soon end, doesn't mean I can't enjoy it while it's here, right?
I've lived better this way. Instead of days passing by quickly and without meaning, I am better able to take in things. Appreciating the present is something that many people don't know how to do, and I'm trying to learn.
Even so, I'm still the sensible girl that isn't easily fooled with fantasy. I never imagined I would be that way. I think books fooled me. I always thought I was the girl who's heart was full. Love, kindness, caring... it all came so easily to me. I was that girl for a long time. I don't know what happened, if it was a specific day or event, a series of events, or just time that blew out the warmth I used to have.
I'm just not what I used to be. I miss that girl, but this one makes more sense. Now, she can lead.
But, I never wanted to.
Can you balance a warm heart with a cold one?
Cold? Am I cold now?
What does it mean to be level-headed?
I think of my dad a lot when I make decisions, or just when I am going through a normal day. What would he do or think? I think he poisoned me with more logic I can hold. It isn't a bad thing. I just wonder if I'm missing something.
It's like ... kids my age are supposed to do stupid things and make some bad decisions. Am I missing out by not giving into desires like that? Maybe I should do something completely ridiculous, just to say I did.
But, this girl doesn't believe that is the answer. In fact, she doesn't believe there is an answer at all. This is just who she is, so let her be that way.
I have zippers in my ears!
-Lisa
The Enemy is Down
Friday, June 6, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 5:25 PM
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