Are all the feelings I have normal, and I just don't realize it? Or do I just not know how to handle them?
So confused...
I can't figure out what is going on with me tonight, or most nights. Am I content? Do I have an inner saddness? It's hard to say, because even now I can smile and laugh over silly things. In fact, right now, I am laughing over absolutely nothing. I'm a little worried, because I think I'm getting hysterical. And yet, I've lost all of my ambition, and something inside is painful. Like, a lingering dream you can't remember, but you can still feel. There's just something that doesn't feel settled.
I'll let you know what I come up with. Someday, I'll get myself figured out.
Today was nice. I got my hair cut, so that won't be such a problem anymore. For a moment, I actually considered forgetting the whole idea and letting it get long again. I would probably be able to take care of it better now, and possibly even have it look somewhat nice. But, my hair has so much body to it that it just gets poofy in this heat, and I don't want to have to deal with that right now. My mind has been on so many other things that I didn't actually decide how I wanted it cut until this morning. First, I was going to get it cut just a smidge and was going to bring back my bangs, but at the last minute decided on something completely different. I want to be adventurous, and going super short is going to help me achieve that. I could have even gone shorter, and just might...
At least for now it is out of the way.
When evening was on it's way, and the sun was beginning to set, I found a small comfort in something vaguely familiar, and then again, not familiar at all. I was content at that moment. At that point I decided that no matter what comes, I will be happy with what I have. It was when I was reading and sitting silently outside. The sun made my body hot, and every once in a while, a breeze would quietly pass by, reminding me that there was life even in such heat. I watched as a caterpillar crawled towards the house and it made me wonder if insects really have goals. This guy really wanted to get into the house. But, why? I wonder what he had in mind...
It was then that I felt completely calm. Sure, there were others things to do. Laundry, dishes, studying... But I pushed all of that out of my mind for a bit, and understood what it meant to be young. I'm struggling with a lot right now. It seems like I'm always in the middle of some kind of mess. Nothing can take this away from me now. There will be times of sorrow and happiness, and every feeling inbetween, but I'm just happy that there can be those times. Memories will be created. It doesn't matter to me what kind they are anymore, I just want them.
Love me, hate me. Do anything to me. It will become another quiet memory that will be neatly tucked away in my mind. Whatever this moment brings, I will embrace it with every bit of me. This moment is mine, and it's the one thing that no one can steal from me.
Go ahead and try.
I want to live. Help me to live.
Right now, I am enjoying this loneliness I feel. Who knows how long it will be before I can feel this again? I am enjoying being alone in this house. It isn't everyday that I get a chance to run a home by myself. To be able to play any music I want, as loud as I possibly can. To sing or dance without being worried someone is going to walk in on me. To cook an entire meal, just for me. To not be asked to take care or something, but to do it because I want to. I love this. It may never happen again, so I'm going to stay right here and soak in everything that comes my way.
There was a moment where I couldn't imagine anything better than this. It's warm, I can walk outside at night without fearing the cold, I can do anything I want in a day - read, write, work, play - I can just sit on the porch and read forever with nothing to worry about...
Maybe I was lost in my imaginary world. Does it matter where I was though?
There is an endless list of things I could ask for. But, why bother? If I want something, I'll just do it myself. Life is better that way, don't you think?
Life has gone in a complete warped direction, and I don't know what is normal anymore. I can't say I'm entirely happy with it, but I'm not upset either. I like the change, but it's a bit much all at once. I need things to calm down a little I think. I guess I don't really help though. All I want to do lately is go on adventures. I hope my body can keep up with my mind. It hasn't been doing particularly well lately. I'm afraid of turning into the girl who dies at the peak of her life because of poor health, you know? I've always been that way.
I miss a lot of people. But, I'm not wishing for anything. What comes, will come, and I'll be happy with that. I think. I'm trying, anyway.
I miss Asher a lot. He used to always be here. I always thought he'd come back. He's my brother after all, and this is his family. He belongs here...right? I never imagined myself having to go an visit him a few times every year. It feels a bit like I'm missing out. He's growing up without me. Doesn't that sound like something an older sibling would say about their baby brother or sister? I don't know where I belong in this "older/younger sibling scale". I need him a lot right now. But, he's a little busy with other things.
I'm going to be an aunt by Thursday at the latest, you know.
Change, change, change.
It isn't so easy to live anymore. This way is better, because now, I really feel alive. As a kid, when things were hard, but not so complicated, I just went through. Do you know what I mean? I just took the day, did what I had to, and it would pass. That made highschool seem like an eternity. I was so miserable then, that I can't even remember much of it, because I didn't live it.
Is life really that complicated, or do people just make it that way?
Why do we restrict ourselves so much. Just recently, I've been asking myself these things. Today, if I get the sudden urge to go to Boston, why in the world not?
It would cost a lot to drive there, or to buy a train ticket.
So what? I can save up for things like that. I have money in my back account that is just going to be used up slowly by small indulgences like clothes or trinkets I barely care for. Why not direct that to something better? Can money really compare to adventure?
Where would you stay when you get there?
I'm pretty much an expert at finding places to stay now. I've been homeless for so long, that it really doesn't bother me anymore. I'm good with preparing things too. People travel. There are hotels, friends, parking lots... What is the worst that could happen if I don't have a place to stay the second I arrive? I wouldn't suddenly implode, would I? I'd probably wander around a bit, wondering where I would sleep. I'd get a hotel, or find someone I know to stay with (apparently, I have connections even I don't know about), or I'd just sleep in the car. Or, I wouldn't sleep. It wouldn't kill me. If this is all that is keeping me from an adventure, I think I'd just have a breakdown right now.
How long would you stay there?
As long as I want. I'm not really needed at home. Right now even... Sure, I'm taking care of the animals, but if I ended up going somewhere, friends or family could always check on them and take care of those things. We've done it that way before. Why should fun be spoiled because someone needs to feed the dog? I was wondering this as Kristi and I were leaving on that last day. Why were we leaving? We weren't needed at home. She wasn't going to start work for a couple more days. So... why did we feel like we had to go?
This is why I wish sometimes that I didn't have ties with anyone. No one to tell where I'm going, or when I'll be back. I want to just go, and decide for myself when I should leave.
Hah... I can't even think of any of the other factors of why not to suddenly go somewhere. Are there anymore? I would gladly argue my reasons for why they are wrong.
Am I just being foolish? Or am I speaking truths that others are afraid to admit? I asked my mom once why I can't just get an apartment right now. What were we waiting for? She said that I still had things to learn. I don't know what though. I can't understand that answer. What do I need to learn? I want to know so I can learn it. How can I move on if I don't know what I'm waiting for? What is there to know? And, how will I find out if I don't just do it?
Am I just anxious?
Am I... missing something obvious?
Whatever it is... nothing will ever be the same now. Somehow, I feel like I've been toyed with.
I want to know. Tell me.
There is something being stirred up in me that I can't get rid of. Don't like it die. Just let me go.
Sometimes, I feel like we think too much about things. I do, excessively. But, we just take up too much time not doing things. School. Why am I still going there? I don't like it. I don't want to go there anymore. So why am I? Because this is a passing phase? Because I don't have any other options? Because I'm too afraid to do something else...?
No, I'm not afraid. Not at all. So, why hasn't anything changed?
I think I'm finally beginning to understand what it is that I want.
We aren't done yet though.
We still have to talk about this thing called Love. What is it?
-Lisa
..Thanks for the reassurance, Disturbed. It's good to know you're alive too..
Abnormal to Normal
Monday, June 9, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 10:54 PM
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