We're home now, a complete week later. After a shower, making tea and soup, and tossing all the things from the car into my disaster of a room, it's time to just sit and read for a bit. Read...
Here are some throughts I typed up while at Pat and Cheryl's. They didn't have open wireless, so I hadn't a chance to post them here.
Tadaa!
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May 30th, 2008
7:54 PM
Liverpool
Well, we made it. Pastor Bruce actually found a place for us to stay, so we’re here until sometime Monday. I would be at home at this very moment, probably moping around, if it weren’t for him. Thanks :]
We’re even staying with people we kind of know. Although I don’t think I’ve ever met them in person before this, I go to church with the rest of their extended family. Actually, I’ve probably seen them for some kind of special occasion. They’re really nice, and live in a beautiful house. We’re staying in the basement which is practically an apartment. I think it might be reserved for their grandchildren, seeing as how the beddings have princess/boy themes and there are toys everywhere. They have the cutest, most well-behaved dog too.
Maybe the dog is why I feel sick… no, that started earlier. Yeah, I don’t feel well again. It isn’t too serious, it just feels like that cold that was picking on me at the beginning of the week is coming back. But, worse. Now my throat hurts so bad, I can’t really speak. I don’t exactly have any access to remedies either. I would ask for Nyquil, but my body likes to be too silly with that stuff. Who knows when I would start hallucinating! I think I might just try to sleep in a little while. I had hoped to get the play completed tonight, and probably would have been able if I didn’t feel like this. But, I have made a good deal of progress in the few hours we’ve been here. It probably has to do with me not having access to anything else (internet, games, movies…).
I haven’t complained so much when I don’t feel well like I used to. But, I really feel terrible.
The past two nights have been wonderful, and at the same time, it’s been harder to say goodbye. I think because, towards the end, we’ve actually gotten a bit of time to ourselves. In my head, I realize that he has to leave. I accept that even before it happens. He has to, and I can understand that. I almost appreciate it even. That sounds weird, doesn’t it. I guess I mean that he isn’t so caught up with me that nothing else in the world matters. Although I’m sure that other people would say that it would be terribly romantic, I think it’s foolish. Life is still happening, and it needs to be tended to. If you are involved with someone who ignores responsibilities, you are most likely going to run into some big problems.
I guess I’m still that realist.
Even so, it’s hard to let him go. Sure, I wish he didn’t have to work, but he did, and that’s fine. Besides, things were just wonderful the way they were.
There is something I want to write while running around on this topic, but even I don’t know what it is.
I still haven’t gotten a chance to do my “sit down by myself and think” thing. It would probably help me immensely. My mind just has to find its way out of this fog. This isn’t even normal fog. Usually, if you feel confused about something, you know why. Suddenly, I can’t even grasp what it is. Why do I feel like this? What is the feeling anyway? Am I apprehensive? I think so.
Earlier, sometime last week, I was really worried about something. I didn’t even know what it was at the time. It was probably after I talked to my mom about a couple things that it started in. I wondered things like, “What is keeping me here? Why do I want to be with him all the time? When did I actually look at him and want so badly to spend as much time with him as possible? When did it go from me sitting on the other side of the table, not being able to say anything, to me resting in his arms, still unable to speak? Why is it that on that one night, we sat on opposite ends on the room and talked about everything, and now I don’t have anything left to say? If we weren’t attracted to each other like this, what would keep us being friends?”
There. I think that was it. Am I still worried? I don’t know. Not right now, but it isn’t gone. Just tucked away while I’m here. When I get home, I’ll probably go back to thinking all the time and wondering and considering things that can’t be answered.
The last one is the my biggest concern. I’m afraid that we’ll get too caught up in being boyfriend and girlfriend, that we won’t be able to be friends. Affection. We’ll just want to sit and hold each other so much, that we won’t be able to not do that. We won’t be able to talk and have fun like friends should. A lot of that is just me though. I want to lean against him all the time. Actually, a couple days ago, it took me forever to build up the courage to sit close to him. Suddenly, I became comfortable with the idea and I latch on to him whenever I get the chance. So I guess even though I’m worried about it, I’m not helping either. I don’t think that if we avoided contact it would make anything better though. Maybe we just need to talk more. Not about the “important issues,” but about others things. Again, I’m not helping because I never know what to say. My mind always goes completely blank when I’m with him.
So, when I said it was easy to talk to him, it was true. For the most part, it still is. That is, if I can remember what I was going to say. Writing has always been so much easier for me, because I can just sit and think for a while. That’s why I’m still writing this and it’s midnight now.
Maybe it’s just because we haven’t seen each other for a while though. I think I’m content with that idea. When school starts again, we’ll get to see more of each other, and become more comfortable.
I’m not usually such a coward about things. Well, no. Not a coward. I’m usually not so cautious, I guess. But, I’ve never been in a situation like this before, either. This is one of the most important things in my life so far, and finally there is something serious to think about. Maybe that’s it. It caught me off guard.
But, in the back of my mind, or my soul, or wherever this is coming from… I’m telling myself that I never want to get used to this feeling.
I’ve said it before. I’m scared. But, I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. I just want to figure out what I’m afraid of, so I can either overcome it, or just deal with it. I just need to know so I can move on.
So far I know that part of me is just afraid of myself. Why? Why do I fear myself? Because I’m changing, I think. I’m afraid of losing who I am. I’m afraid of… forgetting things. Forgetting who I was, who I’ve always been. Afraid of forgetting what I should be.
More specifically, if I were alone on this trip, I don’t know if I would actually have taken Ricky’s Dad’s offer of staying in the apartment for a few days.
That doesn’t make sense to you, does it?
Not knowing, though, means I wouldn’t immediately say no, even though I was told this couldn’t work out by my parents. I love my parents, I trust them, I believe in them. That’s why I’m scared. Although I don’t know if I would go against them and stay, I can’t say I wouldn’t.
I actually had a long talk with Kristi just now about a lot of life things. We both have somewhat of the same fears. Change. Yes, change is good, and we’re both actually looking for change, and hoping it can pop out at us around every corner. For once, we’re living, and enjoying our lives. The fears are of bad changes though. Becoming someone you never want to be. Not so much because someone else makes you that way, but because we allow ourselves to, because nothing else seems to be working.
Again, my body hasn’t stopped shaking. It could be for a number of reasons.
You know, as much as I carried on about how good this medicine has been for me, I think it is blocking a part of me. It’s restraining something. Feelings that were out of control before, are now being restricted completely. I think that is why I can’t cry anymore.
Things have been a bit unstable too. I’ve forgotten to take it the majority of this week, so my body and mind are a bit messed up right now.
Typing, typing. I just want to keep writing. It keeps me alive.
Naivety. I wonder if I’ve already done something that wouldn’t be approved of. To me, it’s fine, but that is because I completely trust him, and I’m comfortable. I keep thinking back to when Asher and Erika were dating though and there was that time where she fell asleep while she and Asher were at Eric’s house. It blew up into something terrible. At the time, I completely understood, but now that I’m here, I feel like it shouldn’t matter so much. I still understand it, but I either just don’t care, or …
Like, the night that it was just me, him, and Anthony in the basement. Me and two guys in an empty building, sleeping in the basement. Was that wrong? It isn’t like I fell asleep on purpose, but I wouldn’t have fought it either.
I've been alone with Anthony plenty of times, late into the night too. He'd usually stick around until 2 AM all week, and it would just be the two of us in the basement of an abandoned building, talking.
“You're doing fine.”
No matter how many people tell me that I’m doing the right thing, I still have myself to get past. I have to fight the battle within me. Even with everyone else’s approval, I have yet to come to a conclusion with myself.
Well, I feel better now. I think that tomorrow, I might actually feel content with myself. Kristi and I are going to go to Ricky’s house and spend most of the day there. We might drag Anthony along. We’re going to have to wait for him to call before any plans are made solid (although, on this trip, nothing has been solid), so we were considering just leaving in the morning, before he’d even be awake, and waiting in his driveway. Eventually, I’m sure we’d probably just barge in and pounce on him to wake him up. :D
We’ll see what’s to come. Hopefully breakfast. I’m hungry…
Yep. I’m happy.
Today, I bought a brown cardigan that matches the dress I wore. I didn’t feel right with bare shoulders, and wanted to find one. Kristi found it as I was giving up the search. It was absolutely perfect! Exactly the image I had in my head. That’s never happened to me before. I’ve never actually worn clothes that matched so well!
-Lisa
May 31st, 2008
Liverpool
7:47
Work. Yeah, I should be doing that. I will, but I wanted to write for a while first. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.
Today was really great. Somehow, it was really short, but good all the same. Kristi and I left sometime around 10 this morning towards Ricky’s house. He said he would call when he got up, and that would be sort of a cue for us as to when to go to his house. But, we didn’t really want to wait. We knew we’d probably get lost, and we were going to stop for groceries anyway, so we just took off. And we did. Get lost, that is. Well, not so much lost as just off track. Kristi stresses out way too much about that stuff. As for me, I just figure that if we go the wrong way, we’ll just explore a little, and then get back on. I mean, people that come from that direction have to be able to have access to where our destination is too. A wrong turn isn’t a trap you can’t escape from.
When we turned on to his road, I panicked a little. A flood of questions ran through my head. Silly things, like, “What if he’s working with his dad today and that’s why he hasn‘t called? What if he’s still sleeping?”
None of that really matters though. So what? If he was still sleeping, we would have just waited for him to wake up, or would have attacked him and forced him awake.
Actually, no one was home when we arrived. The door was locked, and no one answered the phone. Somehow, I was content though. We wandered around a little and sat on the back porch. Although it looked like it was going to rain on us, it was quite warm out, and I was comfortable. I’ve never felt so comfortable in a situation like that either. I’ve only been in that house twice, and already I feel like it’s home. His dad helps a lot with that. I like how when he goes to leave somewhere he tells us where he’s going and about when he’ll be back. Then, he tells us to drive safely on our way back. I wish we could have stayed there…
We didn’t get to stay for a long time, and we didn’t really do anything terribly exciting, but for some reason, I especially enjoyed being there today. Upon leaving, I really just felt at ease.
We got to talk a bit. We laughed, joked around, and told stories. I enjoyed that.
We’re all going to church tomorrow. This is a dream to me. Even at the very start of planning this trip, I had hoped that more than anything else, we would be able to go to church on Sunday. It was impossible. It even became more impossible as the week progressed. But then, suddenly, tomorrow is Sunday, and we’re going to be there.
Actually, now that I think about it, I’m kind of nervous. I tend to do this. I only think about how to get somewhere, or do something, and I don’t really consider what is going to be the result of it. I think it will go well. He seems to want to go, but I’m worried a little about what he’ll think of it. I hope we can talk about things, before and after. There’s essentially something I really need to talk to him about, and it’s something that has been lingering in my heart since the very first day, but I’m having quite a difficult time bringing it up. I want to be able to talk about it before we’ve gotten too far in our relationship, but it just feels like there isn’t enough time right now. It isn’t something that can just be said. I have to… explain myself, I think.
I’ve gone over it again and again, and even I don’t know what to do. Being unequally yoked…
For now, all I know is that tomorrow I’m going to keep him close to me. I think we’re both going to be somewhat anxious.
Currently, I’m trying to explain to Kristi that leaving at 7 AM to get to Ricky’s house and back to church is a tad ridiculous. Even if it took an hour to get to his house, it would only be 8 o’clock, and that is quite early. We’re probably even going to be able to make it to the early service, just because Kristi is so worried about time, and wants to wake up at 6:30 in order to get to the 11:00 sermon.
Sometimes…
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I can’t tell if my cold is getting better or worse. My throat doesn’t hurt as bad today, but my head does, and my stomach is really killing me. Now, my whole body aches. What a mess.
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Soon, I’m going to go home. It will be nice not to have to be concerned about where I’m going to be sleeping, or about food. I won’t have to worry about what is coming next. But, I don’t know when I’ll get to see Ricky again. The two weeks we were out of school seemed like forever. August is a long time from now…
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Hah. Yeah, I said I wouldn't have to be worried about food, but in fact, I do. Mom isn't home, so I'll probably be the one to go grocery shopping, seeing as how both Dad and Kristi are going to be working all the time. But, there isn't a vehicle here I can use, and I don't think I can pay to feed a family for weeks.
I'm really anxious to do something rather than just sit around. I want to bake, or clean, but feeling like this isn't agreeing with those activities. My cold just keeps getting worse.
I'd like to continue writing and give the conclusion of the week, but I can't right now. I'll be back though!
Photos are coming!
-Lisa
愛は現存するか。
Monday, June 2, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 12:55 PM
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