Owen Felix
9 lbs 10 ounces
Born at 9:10 AM
June 12th 2008
There are the facts, folks.
Hehehehehe....
I forgot to talk about one of the key points of my day yesterday. Heh, what a dork.
It was right after I finished putting my groceries in the car, and I was about to put my cart away (do people still do that, or am I just old fashioned?). A girl from highschool came up behind me and said, "Hey!"
Now, you might think, "Eugh... a familiar face. From school even. Gosh, I'm sorry for you."
But, it was nice actually.
This is a girl that I used to spend a lot of time with in middle school, but never really talked to her much after that. But, I remember that she used to confide in me about her personal life a lot. You know, a lot of people used to come to me for advice. I can't say if it ever helped, or if my advice was really valid, but I was truthful. Hopefully, somewhere, I managed to at least encourage someone.
I think I might have shocked her a little. In school, I was never one to be terribly expressive or excitable around people. But, when I saw her, I jumped right into a conversation. There weren't any awkward pauses, or me trying desperatly to come up with something to say. It was natural, really.
It was like we were good friends. Not like an act. It was me, mostly. I was just comfortable talking to her.
That was when I realized how much I've changed in the past year. I wondered if she noticed how different I was. Whether she did or not, I noticed.
A year ago, I would have stood there awkwardly, wondering what I should do. Anything I said would have related to being stressed, busy, or unsure. Not that it wouldn't be true. Those feelings haven't really changed. I'm still stressed, busy, and horribly unsure about nearly everything. But, now I can see things in a new light. Now, whatever happens, I'm alive so I'm going to enjoy it.
Sounds silly, doesn't it?
Perspective has turned inside of me. As we parted, I told her to try to enjoy life, whatever came.
Truth. I'm starting to feel real. Again? Yes, I think I was real once.
Ah, I guess I should catch up on some things. The vacation end. I was supposed to do that, wasn't I?
Well, that Sunday, Kristi and I left ridiculously early, and got back to Ricky's house in about an hour. So, we were there by 8:30. We actually ended up making the 9:30 service for church. I was pretty happy about that, because we had more time to spend together afterwards.
Yeah... I was really nervous. My hands were shaking the whole time, but it might have just been from the pain medicine I took earlier. What was I nervous about, though? Understanding, I think. The world has turned church and Christianity into something it was never meant to be, so I can imagine it would be hard to see clearly. When I talked to Cheryl that night, she even commented on how the sermon must have been hard to follow since it revolved around Scripture so much.
I don't know what else to say about that. It was good, and I know we all enjoyed it. I really like that church. If I could, I would travel 8 hours every Sunday to go.
It isn't just a nice place to be, or something you feel is a good thing to go to. It isn't a place that just suggests how you should live to be happy. Unfortunately, that is what the world made of it. But, they've obviously never gone any deeper than the surface.
That's been my secret dream... When I was at my church, I leaned over and whispered to my mom, "I wish Ricky was here next to me."
We went back to his house, and I fell asleep again soon after he put in a movie. Am I overtired? It's so easy to just close my eyes and lean against him like that. Nothing else in the world matters and nothing has to make sense.
Sometime after that we all went out to the hospital to see his mom. Although, I was fine with that, I was glad to have Kristi with me so we could be dorks together. We're good at that. I'd never been in a hospital room like that... Not even for Grandpa.
At the time I wondered if I would regret that. Not going to see Grandpa while he was in the hospital. But, I can't say that I do. I'd much rather have had the time with him when he was at home, where he belonged. I never wanted to have to see him look weak like that. It was bad enough seeing him unable to do daily things. I'm thankful for the catering job I had during that summer because I was able to stop by his house on the way home with a slice of pie once in a while. I love that. Nana continually thanked me afterwards about the times I stopped in with sweets like that after work. I'm glad I could do that for him. He was wonderful. That is the Grandpa I'll remember, and I'll love him forever.
But, back at the hospital. Surprisingly, I wasn't uncomfortable at all. I didn't know what to do, but I didn't feel awkward either. It was kind of a silly time, actually. But, unpleasant too. I'll never like doctors. I've had teachers like that. I hate them when they are teaching, but they are good people. That's the way doctors are to me. Really terrible at their job, even if they are okay. They don't know what is going on. I don't think I've ever heard of a case where the doctors actually figure out the problem before it kicks them in the face.
Nothing sounded promising about her condition. I'm not sure about the details as of now, but I sure hope they've at least made some kind of progress.
Leaving wasn't as hard as I had imagined. It was somewhat the same as when I left that last day at school. There wasn't any sadness. Kristi was in worse shape than me! When we got in the car she was quiet for a while and then suddenly had an outburst of, "This is so sad!" I just couldn't help but laugh.
It is hard. I don't know when I'll get to see him again, and Kristi definately doesn't know about when she'll see him or his family since she's going to be in Virginia and then wherever they send her after that. I never imagined wanting to go back to school so much.
Really... the friends I have made at school have become my other family. Jessica, Anthony, Andrea, Ricky...
I'm always whining about how I don't have any friends. Well, I still don't really have close friends that can really understand me. It's usually the "religious" things that get in the way. But, I have family now, and that is so much more important. I know that whatever happens, they are going to back me up. That's the only reason I'm going back next semester... But after that, I know I have other things to tend to...
I haven't forgotten my loathsome feelings for classes there. I haven't forgotten that I hate being in school. I haven't forgotten that I just want an apartment and a bakery.
"Loneliness is. . . . spending your days alone with your thoughts, your discouragements, and having no one to share them with."
-Neil Strait
I'm terrible with feelings. I'm alright if I'm alone, but when it comes to sharing or expressing them, I'm useless. A long time ago, back when I could care, I told those close to me that when they came to a time where they were hurting, I wouldn't be able to comfort them. That's a pretty bold thing for a kid to say, don't you think? It isn't that I didn't care, though. I cared so much, that it hurt me more than it hurt them sometimes. But, there was nothing I could say or do. I think it's because I understood that it wouldn't help. I just couldn't bring myself to give shallow bits of encouragement.
I don't know about now. Is it the same, or can I really not care anymore? Give me time to figure it out.
I've said this before, several times, but it remains true even now.
I feel like I'm still just a kid. Athough my mind has matured, I still feel as though I can't be ready for these things yet.
Lately, Musume songs keep coming up in my player, especially I WISH. It makes me feel bad... I don't know what to do anymore. Should I call? Visit? I don't know what to do, or expect, so it's hard to decide. It's already been a month since school has ended, but even so, I haven't gotten much of a chance to settle down. Took a trip to Syracuse, worked on the play, the trailers, been taking care of the house, Kristi, there's a baby in the family now... Am I just bad at balancing time?
I also listened to Shabondama yesterday. We were supposed to perform that one together this summer. But I don't know what is happening now... I can't do it alone.
I make it sound like that's all I want her around for. It isn't. Shojo Explosion has been a huge part of my life... and career. It's really just that important to me.
I got a little teary today, and I don't really know why. Man, I feel like a machine. At the time, I got frustrated with myself for falling like that, even. It's fine if I have a reason, but I didn't know what it was.
---
10:10 PM
Well, Dad just got home, and for a while, I was really happy. Then, he began complaining about all the things I did wrong. I guess I failed at taking care of things here.
No, I know he's just tired and stressed, like he always is. He isn't complaining about me... just the fact that the stuff is screwed up now.
Whatever the reason, I hate it when he does this. I never bother to tell him what I do right, so I guess he just doesn't notice. I know that he thinks I just sit around playing games all day. Well, I'll just keep working and screwing up.
---
Right now, I want to be rash about something. But, I know that wouldn't be fair to other people. And, I know I would regret it after I woke up from my rebellion.
It's going to be a long night...
-Lisa
Perspective
Friday, June 13, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 11:12 AM
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