I told myself today that I couldn't keep writing here everyday. It doesn't look like that's going to happen though. Being alone like this gives me a chance to consider things, and writing thoughts down is the best way for me to get them sorted out. Now that I finally have some time to myself, I want to be able to remember things again. I've lost too many days because I've simply forgotten them.
So, what is on my mind today?
There was a really bad storm this afternoon, and it scared me. I've never been fond of storms, but they don't bother me so much now. This one was intense though, and with a tornado warning out, I wasn't feeling all that confident. I did all the right things, and was ready for the house to fall in on me, but it didn't stop me from shaking. When Kristi called to tell me it was coming, it was almost like I didn't believe her. It was perfectly clear out, and we almost never get storms as bad as they say. And, we didn't, but it didn't look too good either. When the wind started knocking over trees and kicking up clouds of dirt, I began to panic a little.
I made it out alright, though. In the end, I couldn't help but be disappointed that nothing else happened. The adventurer in me wanted more action.
Since then, I've been feeling tense. The storm shook me up and then led me to other problematic issues.
I'm feeling much better now. Anthony talked to me for a while; a serious conversation, even. That helped immensely. Finally, I was able to talk to someone about some pressures rather than just continually fighting with myself, leading my mind in circles over and over again. By talking about things, I was able to better analyze what is going on in my head. It was nice to get a different perspective on things without any restrictions.
Talked to Joe for a bit too about the same things. Now, I don't feel so lost. I know most of what I'm fighting with is just in my mind, but whatever it is, it needs to be dealt with, and apparently just talking about it with friends is my best offense.
Around the end of those conversations, my mom called. It had been a while since I was able to be completely open with her like that. I know it's just me. I'm getting grumpy again which makes me recoil from people I love. But, we got to figure some things out. Even if she doesn't say anything, when I tell her about things, life seems so much clearer.
Tomorrow should be nice. I'll be able to get out of the house for a while. It will be a good trip, and a bad one at the same time. I'm going to pick up my glasses from the eye place, but I'm going to have to fill up the tank in the car... which will be expensive. My credit card is over the limit... I'm going to have to get to one bank to take out cash to put in another bank so I can write a check for the glasses and contacts. I'm going to have to send packages and mail also, which will leave a small dent in my wallet.
Everyday I learn more and more about money management.
And so, I've concluded that I need a job. I can't be a proper maid without funds. I can't travel without them either. I had hoped to get some kind of paying freelance work by now. I thought Melanie's husband had something in mind for me, but I haven't heard anything. No weddings coming up either, it seems. None that I'll be filming, anyway.
Speaking of weddings and filming, I'd really love to try photographing a wedding. I'm still just an amateur, but I won't get experience if I don't just do it. Maybe a difference event first, but something formal, anyway. I want to photograph models. I always get a little scared when it comes to taking photos of people because when it comes to the actual shoot, I can never think of anything to have them do. I need to learn to plan ahead, and thoroughly. But, wedding photos would be beautiful, I think. Posing them, and taking spontaneous photos would be wonderful.
--
I wish I could have opened a bakery this summer. I would love that right now. For now, I'll just keep practicing and planning.
--
I came to a small conclusion about my previous rantings about travel and why I shouldn't just run away and go anywhere I want.
Responsibility.
It would be selfish to just leave my home, leaving all I grew up with to survive on it's own. I'll get to travel eventually, but when the time is right. I don't completely take back what I said. Well, I don't take any of it back at all. I just... think I've found part of the reason.
I'm finally going to get to spend some time with Jill. We're going to puppy-sit together Saturday night. Girl and nighttime always lead to a lot of talking, so this should be good. We can talk about girl things...
And boy things.
I hope you can see the moon tonight. It is a perfect half circle, low in the sky and orange.
-Lisa
=Be careful with her. She's delicate=
Another Day, Another Adventure
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 12:38 AM
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