A Fine Conclusion

Tonight I closed something. I didn't lock it, but for now, it is closed, satisfied. I'm happy. That chapter has been concluded and I think it ended well.

I'm really happy. Not in a drunken, hyperactive way. I'm just wonderfully content in this moment. Tonight I finally got to see Master Schirripa.

He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I can't even express how important he is to me. In some ways, I can't believe I waited this long to talk to him, but in other ways, I'm glad it was this way. I know he sincerely cares, and no one could ever change my mind about that. I don't even think I could ever convince myself of that.

I was nervous, just like I always am. I had done it countless times. Walked into the building, walked out, walked back in and sat in the lobby, peaked in the window to see if he was there, but never got close enough to really be able to tell. Tonight, I walked in and wandered a bit, something that had become somewhat of a routine for me. The room that TKD was moved to has a transparent entryway, so I was afraid to walk past. I didn't want the members to see me. There isn't really an expanation for that, but I don't think there has to be. You can understand, can't you?

So, I fought with myself for a while about getting close enough to see if the Master was really in there. Eventually, I just stood by the wall just before the room and listened. Yep, that was him. I could hear his voice. He was instructing the members on some kind of routine. Then, a yell. Then, a chorus of yells. It scared me at first. Its been a long time.

This time, even if I still wasn't going to go in the room, or even walk past it, I wasn't going to move from my spot. I wasn't going to let my fear drive me away anymore.

I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time anyway.

At one point, I was standing next to one of the benches in the hall, staring into the corner of the room I could see, wishing I could just catch a glimpse of his black uniform just so I could know he was there. Then I did. I didn't just see a corner of his uniform, I saw him. He looked right at me, twice even, but I don't think he really saw me. Still, I was happy with that.

I sat again, and before I knew it, he stepped out of the room. That's why I've never been able to meet up with him. He leaves early for something. It was a little after 6:40 at that point.

Again, he looked in my direction, but I don't think he realized it was me. I stood with a dream-like feeling and said, "Excuse me, Sir,"

I wish I could do that again. A timid girl speaking to her Master. What a sweet thought. That was me.

His face wrinkled with that big grin of his, just as I had hoped. A brief hug. He asked me how I was doing, and before I knew it, we were talking about life as he changed his shirt (hahaha, somehow that wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be when he said, "Come over here and sit while I change my clothes").

Everytime I tried to get to TKD to see him, I got nervous because I didn't really know what to say, and I wanted to talk to him about what has been going on, but I never knew how I could say it. I didn't have to though. I can't clearly remember how we got there, but it doesn't matter now. I think... he's just experienced. There are things he has said that has happened in his life that people would probably never believe when they see him. I won't write that here just because it's too personal, but I'll never forget.

I feel like I can be proud of him. I'm happy that he was able to get through things, and can still smile at me. It makes me think that he needed that hug just as much as I did.

I told him that things have been really hard, and I've been having to think a lot about what I'm supposed to do with my life. I didn't even cry. I felt tense, and not because he is intimidating or overpowering. He spoke very softly to me, and although he might not have even noticed he was doing so, I appreciated that more than anyone else could imagine. While other people always tell me to speak up or yell to me because that is how they communicate with people, Master Schirripa could really come to my level and make me feel like we could really talk to each other, not that he would just talk at me like other people do.

And we did talk.

He asked me about my grades, like he was one of my parents, but in a sweet, caring way, not a controlling way. He told me things like, I should do what my heart really wants to do, and that my mind can very easily confused those feelings.

I had always thought that the idea of "following you heart" was too idealistic, and people should really be logical about the decisions they make. I still believe that people should think things through and try to make a good decision. But when he said it, it all of a sudden made sense.

When you do what your heart tells you, it's never a wrong decision.

That is partially what is happening and it's driving me mad(he said it would, and said it probably had for me already, which I agreed with). I know what I want now, but my mind is fighting against me because I don't want to end up doing something stupid. Which is good... but it's still messing me up.

He told me that his son started out in a college for sports, but after an injury, he had no idea what to do. So, he went to his father and said he needed time to figure out what he was doing with his life. His father gracefully agreed, and he took a year off from school. The year after he started school again somewhere else with a whole new idea on life and what he should do with it.

When he was telling me about how he was having a really hard time, but somehow ended up where he is now, he mentioned something about a "greater being." He said, "I don't know what you believe about a high power, but I believe there is some kind of being that is always watching over you." (adapted a bit because I can't remember the exact words)

I'm sure he was going to be late for something because we were talking, but he seemed okay with it anyway. I walked with him slowly towards the door, and it just felt really peaceful at that time. I've always been nervous about other people watching or listening, but at the time we were outside walking, or just no where. It was quiet, and I didn't notice anything else.

I remember this specifically as we walked. He said, "You are very talented, and very beautiful." He probably doesn't realize how good that made me feel. I've been called pretty and cute by people my age, but to be told I am beautiful by a man like that makes all the difference in the world.

I wanted to ask him how he knew I was talented. I really wanted to, but I knew it wouldn't come out right. I don't mean it in a bad way, like, "who are you to tell me that," but instead I was just fascinated with how he can just see that in people. I guess I wanted to know the magic behind it.

"Have you talked to you folks?"
"A little."

I was even specific with my problems. Usually I just say, "It's been rough," but I told him about my old roommate a little and moving out. I quite plainly told him that I want to quit school. He didn't give me a surprised or disappointed look. He could just understand.

He asked what I like to do so I told him about my love for writing and photography. He said he used to do photography with models and when he was talking about it he got real excited saying, "You just know when that is your photo."

I explained that I was in the Communication Television/Media field, which was kind of close to what I want, but not really at all. I love how easily he could understand that.

"You want art."

Do you know what it is like to have someone just know you like that? It's really amazing.

I told him about my work for Roji's and how I was perfectly happy with that. But still, I have to survive somehow.

He mentioned a couple times about some of his close friends that are in that field. I can't remember fully, but he said something about

So much more was said, but it seems like a blur now. What he did say was helpful, and he kept asking me if it was too. "Does that help at all?" Always a nod and a smile. It's like the words he spoke went into my heart rather than my head, because even now, I don't feel so cold.

As we began to part, he said he hoped that if I did stay in this college next year, he hoped to see me back at TKD. I explained to him why I suddenly left, something I had been thinking about forever, but could never completely come up with the right way to say it. I just plainly said what was right there in my mind, and I was completely comfortable with telling him that. I told him about how I'm hard on myself, and I would always worry about it all week. But, I also made sure he knew how much I absolutly loved it there. He understood, and I'm glad.

I also told him that I had been wanting to talk to people about these things for a while, but it had been too hard.

"It was just time."

I was satisfied.

We hugged. It was a hug I could even hang on to, not a half hug, or an uncomfortable one that I just want to get out of. I needed him.

We bowed.

We parted.

It feels good to be happy for a moment like this.

I don't have any regrets about tonight. Usually when I am in a situation like that, after it's over I wish I would have said something more, or I wish I hadn't worn that shirt. Everything was perfect. I didn't hide myself from him like I always do with everyone, especially when I'm hurting. For once, I was completely myself. Tonight, I am content.

I think college has taught me that somewhere, in very strange circumstances, there will be someone who will give you a hug.

-Lisa

Don't Forget to Smile Over Me

Remind me not to ask anyone about PSP issues ever again. I'll just figure it out on my own.

It's the forum world again. The realm where everyone gets offended over silly misunderstandings or just because they feel like they're a god and know everything and everyone else should be honored to be scorned by them.

It's true, isn't it?

I've always tried to be very polite and careful in forums and such when I'm asking a question, because I just want an answer and I don't want to have to get involved in that. Well, you just can't stay away from it. Just don't ask questions. Got it?

This was a live-chat IRC thing I was in, and when I asked my question, it basically was ignored. The rules said that they really hate impatient people, so I didn't ask again. I wasn't impatient anyway. This is just a problem that has been lingering around my PSP for a bit, and I thought I would just ask someone rather than spend hours trying to find an answer on my own.

They were busy at the time answering questions for other people who didn't use punctuation and said things like, "i wan some1 with experiments 2 anser my Q...!!!..???!!"

Eventually I just mentioned that I had a question still, and they could just get to me whenever they had a chance.

I guess I thought that was a decent thing to say. I really didn't need an immediate answer, and I didn't want to interupt while someone else was in the middle of something. It's like being on the telephone and having someone trying to talk to you that isn't on the line. It's confusing and annoying.

Well, the response I got was, "Just ask your questions...geez"

Eh, it isn't really a big deal, but I guess I just can't help but be annoyed with people who say things like that when they really hate impatient people. Well, in the end, they didn't give me a good solution, they just sent me a link and moved on. It wasn't the thing I needed.

As I was leaving, an argument was brewing between two others. Something along the lines of, "Well, you're going to have to leave because we don't support hardware modding here." Then, "Oh, so you're just going to end it because you were proven wrong?"

Ridiculous.

I can't understand why people try so hard to fight like that.

----

As for the weekend, it was a little confusing. I had a good time overall. I was away from stupidface school and in a really beautiful town. We did a lot of shopping, and the shower for Erika was really nice. I really enjoyed the ride down too.

There were some stressful points for me, but that's just because I'm so tied to the way I think things should be. I felt a little ignored, because usually Asher just pays attention to me, and we play games all night. Instead, he was talking about "adult" things; things that adults talk a lot about, like the government, politics, money... things that you just complain about but it doesn't make anything better. I guess I still am just a child to him. When he was in college, and I was just a kid in highschool, it's like we were on the same level. I could raise myself up to him in a way. I was usually at that point anyway. My closest friends at the time were people in college. Somehow, I think I was supposed to be there instead of highschool. I was on the same plane.

Now he's married, and I just can't get to him now. Instead of just moving on with him, he's gone to a different place entirely, somewhere I can't get to as I am now. Things were easy before.

I got to talk to my mom about things too. I cried a bit in the car on the way back. It isn't because I'm depressed all the time, it's just that everytime that subject comes up, I get really weak. Nothing was resolved, but she didn't try to push answers at me either. I could just tell her what was on my mind, and that was good.

We talked a little about how we shouldn't worry so much. The pastor was talking about it last Sunday too. Worrying really doesn't help things to not go wrong. We're just making ourselves miserable while we should be enjoying the time where things are okay.

I need to put that in practice more.

This particular situation is different than just worry though. There is a decision. It isn't just that I shouldn't think about it and get worried over it. If I do that, nothing will ever happen. There is a path I have to take, but I don't know what it is. There are choices. I can either choose to make a change in my life, or not do anything and just let it go on the way it is.

It's a noose. There is a rope around my neck, and I have to decide if I'm going to take it off, or if I'm going to wait for someone to do that for me. Will it just fall off? Will it get tighter? Or will it just stay there forever, leaving me to wonder when it's going to kill me.

That's all.

I got my camera this weekend.

-Lisa

Look at what it can do!

Generally Speaking

Overall, it was a pleasant weekend.

Conflicts

I know, it's probably terribly boring to just read about my problems all the time. Lately, I just haven't been able to put my mind to anything else.

School is going to be over soon, which I have really been looking foreward to. I really need to get out of here so I can think. I was imagining myself at home though, and somehow I just didn't get the comfort that I wanted.

My whole life, the safest place to be has been my home. There, I wasn't attacked, and there were people I could relax with, have fun with, and people that could understand and care for me.

Things were going especially well in the spring of 2005. At the time I was still struggling with illness, and I think that was the start of my mom's problems too, but in that time we were able to spend a lot of days just being together and sharing thoughts. I remember going out with her and we would get some fun snacks and a game to bring home.

Then, that ended. For some reason, things just couldn't be the same in my home after that. The change happened about a year later I believe. It was around that time that my sister transfered schools and started living at home. I went absolutely mad. I hated going home after school, because it didn't feel like my territory anymore. I guess I had just really gotten used to the idea of me being the only child in the house. I was the eldest in a way. If you've kept up with my previous posts from that time, I'm sure you might have an idea, if I even portrayed it correctly.

It has been nothing but conflicts since then.

While in highschool, I wanted to go home because I felt so terribly at school, but at the same time I didn't want to go home because I didn't feel like I fit there anymore.

Then, as college approached, I was eager to be able to get out of the house and live on my own, but then again, at the same time, I didn't want to leave what I have always known as home and be thrown into a chaotic world I knew nothing about.

At Christmas time, I got to go home, and I felt like I could start over. Things keep changing though, for me, and for my family. I felt like I grew up, quite considerably, and I felt like I lived better. When I went home, it felt cold and empty. No one was ever home. Kristi was at school all day, and both of my parents were at work until late into the night. I had gone home to see my family, and none of them were there. The house was really a mess, and it looked like many of the items in the house had not been touched since I left, and if they had, they were treated roughly and just thrown back into place because whoever was using it was in a rush to leave. The animals were sad and lonely from the same fact of going from having a family, to being abandoned while the sun was up.
I remember that when my brother returned to the house while he was in college, it was always a big deal to make the house sparkling clean for when he got home, and to make sure his room was clean and ready for him. Everyone got excited. His friends would come over the same night he got in, and they would stay up all night playing games and just being boys.

Maybe I want a life that just isn't meant to be mine. When I come home, there's just dust and emptiness. My family isn't there, and if they are, they are stressed or working or being lazy because they've had so many other things to do.

I don't want to live like that.

My friends aren't around when I come home either. They're too busy for me. "I might get a job," or "I'm only here for a couple weeks, then I'm going to see my friends in whereverland," or "My dad won't let me." Somehow, it just isn't conveinient to have relationships. That's girls just being girls.

I don't care that much though. I've gotten used to it by now. It's painful sometimes though when I know I could make something great, but need the help of friends, and they aren't there, or just don't want to. It's hard enough to get rejections like that, but it's even worse when I know that there is something I love, and something that could be great, but what is a terrific idea is shot down repeatedly. No one could imagine how many plans I've made to create something or ideas I've had that would run so perfectly. Things that could just turn into something so wonderful and creative (speaking mostly of video related things), but they are abandoned.

The things I want to do more than anything, I can't. Do you know how painful that is?

As for family, specifically speaking, there is never food in the house. We don't eat real meals anymore, just TV dinners, or something that can just be quickly heated up. We don't even sit at the table for meals anymore. We used to have lunch too. Dishes pile up and are never cleaned. Washing windows? Does that ever happen anymore? It's too much of a bother to get in the car to go anywhere. Getting dressed in the morning is tiring.

These things aren't really anyone's fault. I just hate that things have changed so much from what they used to be. No one seems to ever have the energy to do anything anymore.

Now, I need to leave. I'm done with this life, and I want to go home. But I'm afraid to go back to something like that. I live a certain way now, and it's differently than the way I used to. It's different from the way my family lives, so it is going to be hard to put those together.

There's a parental issue floating around in my mind to, and this one hurts the most.

First of all, my dad.
All of my life he's continually told me that he has "high hopes" for me. He expects me to do everything right and make all the right decisions and listen to him and take his word on everything. I've basically been okay with that until now too. I completely trust him. He's a brilliant guy, and he has the best advise I've ever heard from anyone. I know he really cares deeply about me too.

This is really hard.

At the same time though, he can't be in my mind. He doesn't know what I'm feeling, and most of the time he really just doens't know the details of what's going on at all. He doesn't really have time for that, so we usually don't tell him. I'm afraid that when I go home he's going to have all of the answers for me. The answers... that I really don't want, I suppose. He's so full of logic, that feelings usually aren't taken into account. Of course, a person shouldn't run on feelings, but they can't be ignored easily either. Sometimes you should be able to be happy... right?

It isn't all the big issues either. There are things that he has always said to me, like, "You need to get outside," or "You shouldn't play games so much." These things are true. All of his you need's and you should's or shouldn't's, are true. But... I don't think I could take it anymore. I'm at a point where I need to be deciding and discovering these things on my own now. Being told things like that just makes you want to defy it all the more. Where I am now, I think it would be degrading too.

I don't know. Maybe he won't say these things to me. But, has he really realized that I'm older now? Does he even want to accept that I can take care of myself now?

As for my mom... this I think will be even more painful to talk about.
We've always.. always been very close. She's been my best friend for years. I've always been able to talk to her about anything.

This is so hard to admit, but things have really changed between us. It's mostly me, and I know that. I don't know if it's just because of what I've gone through this year, or just growing up. Now, when I call her on the phone, I really want to talk to her about serious things, especially since I've been really upset lately. But, now when I get on the phone with her, I just get mad about stuff. I get annoyed with the things she says, or when she changes the topic with something like, "The dog did this today." I don't know if she realizes that I desperately need to cry to someone. Her answers are always something like, "We'll figure it out," or "You just need time to heal." It isn't that I need an answer right now anyway. I just need comfort, and I'm not getting that right now. Sometimes I want to call her because I'm stressed or lonely, but I don't because I know it won't help anyway. I'm out of words to say to her sometimes, and I'm sure she'll just change the topic to something completely unrelated anyway.

Maybe she's just tired of hearing me complain. That's all I ever do around her anymore.

This weekend we're supposed to go to Asher's house. She keeps telling me how excited she is, and I want to be too, but I really just can't get my mind to do that anymore. All I can see right now is how painful it's going to be because we're going to have to talk about the future and then have to move on like we aren't affected by it at all.

I don't understand what I really want anymore, and what will make me happy. I just want things to be the way they were when the only things we had to worry about is picking the raspberries off the bush before the birds got to them.

-Lisa

Stage 1

Somehow I get the feeling that I'm going to be writing a lot in the next couple of days, possibly multiple times a day.

I just had a thought, and it made a couple things a little clearer for me. This has been true for me for a long time, and it's still a major part of how I learn.

When I learn, I want to gain experience and knowledge, simply because I want to be better in that area. Art, video, photography, writing...

I learn because I want to.

When I have to follow a schedule, a lesson plan, and have to be graded on what I'm taking in, I close up. Not on purpose. My mind just shuts down when I am forced to learn something. Even if it is something I want to know, I can't be force fed information. I think this is more true for things I like than things I don't care much about. So many times I've said that I wish I could just sit in on classes and soak everything up. When you are taking a course, your mind is scrambled to take in information quickly so you can spew it back out on a test or paper.

Why do people have to be graded anyway? Is it a bribe? Or just a way to convince people to try hard? Well, I would work without a bribe. I would prefer it.

It's not really that I'm afraid of getting bad grades. I guess in my head it is just too much of a system. Like, 10 points off if you hand this in late. What does that matter? Shouldn't you be looking at the context?

This is only one issue I have with school. This still doesn't complete my big problem, but I guess it's a start in understanding what is going on.

Closed!

-Lisa

Misconception

I feel like I'm leading you on to believe something that isn't true. The words I write here don't make sense when I re-read them. I just don't know how to put this situation I'm in into comprehensible words.

The way is sounds, is that I'm tired of being in school, and that I just don't want to work, or that I don't have any confidence in myself.

This isn't what I'm trying to get at though. I have confidence in myself for the most part. I am basically content with my abilities. I would always like to improve, and learn more, but school just isn't doing that for me.

School just isn't working for me. It might help me get a job at some point, but that isn't the kind of job I want.

I don't want to be in this school, or an school ever again.

It's like I'm just compromising. Barely that even. It's like.... This class might touch on a subject I'm sort of interested in, even though it has nothing to do with my major. I guess I'll take that. Every class I've looked at is made up of things I don't care about in the least. Even subjects that are supposed to revolve around the things I'm interested are just a jumble of useless information. Like the history of film, or SPEECH.

I don't need or want someone to ask, "Have you ever considered this class/school/job/mindset?" I don't need any of that. I don't really know what I need. Not just a vacation either. Students all over campus are burnt out and just dying for summer vacation. Everyone wants school to be over. I want school to be over, but not just for the summer. I want to be out of here for good. It's not that I need a break to collect my thoughts on this. I don't need time to heal. I know what I want now. Just ignoring what I want and continuing with this idea that time is going to solve everything is just an excuse not to do anything. Time. I'm not waiting for anything. What can time do for me?

In the end, I just know that it is impossible for me to do this for three more years.

I wonder if this is making any more sense than my last entry.

This is hard. I can't even think anymore. I've gone over this situation in my mind so many times that it's just becoming a blur. I can't stop thinking about it either. I can't go through a day without wondering what's going to happen to me, and who I am going to disappoint. I know that if this ever ends, someone is going to be upset with me. If no one else, I will be with myself.

When did life become so hard?

I've been feeling constantly sick lately. Like I'm waiting for something to happen. It's the feeling you get when you know you have a huge speech to make in the next couple minutes, but those minutes are lasting forever.

When I lived in pretend
My goals were clear
The future was bright
And pretend let me believe
There was something I lived for

I guess I'll just think about this some more and try to come up with a way to present this problem more clearly.

-Lisa

A Serious Decision - I Am My Own Chapter

I don't think I've ever been at such a hard point before this school year. Deaths, insanity, quarrels, and now this. I'm really at a loss.

As I write this, I am not being influenced by raging feelings. Feelings are always a part of a human's thoughts, but in this particular moment, I am just saying that they aren't making me blind. I feel like I can see very clearly, but the only things to see is emptiness.

It's like the whole world is trying to get to this goal, but they don't know what it is because no one has ever seen it. Still, they want to get there. I can see it though. The people aren't getting closer, they're just running in place. Only those who stop and look can see the end, and it's just an end. An empty area.

I'm just aiming towards nothing. Maybe other people can be okay with that, but I can't. I can't live knowing that I'm not going anywhere.

People tell me things like I have talent, there are a lot of things I can do, there's potential. But for what? What does that even matter? What if I don't even want to do any of that?

All I know is I like to write what I want to write, and that I like using cameras.

That's it.

That doesn't mean I want to make either of those into this life-long career. I used to think I wanted to, but I'd rather not have to write garbage I don't care about, or have an editor breathing down my neck, pestering me to get done. I don't want to film or photograph stupid things I don't care about either. I don't want to be in television. I hate television.

That's all that there is though. Either that, or be poor.

Maybe I want to be poor.

Honestly, all I want is to freelance. I know it's hard, but I really don't care. If someone wants to buy anything from me, I will be flattered. I hope that someone will, somewhere. But I don't want my life to be ruled by someone else. I hate this.

I want to quit school. There is nothing here for me. Nothing. There is nothing I look forward to doing here. The only thing waiting for me in the years to come is more suffering. I'm not saying this because of my current feelings or the situations I've had to deal with. There is just simply nothing I want from here. The classes I've taken so far, I can't even remember. It's just a waste of time. The classes I'm taking now that I thought I would like, have blown up into a disaster. I dread going to them. They make me sick.

I'm really at a loss here. I don't know what I want to do. I know what want now, but it's impossible.

That's the most irritating part about this. It's not impossible. I'm really at a conflict with myself. I know my parents know best. But at the same time, I don't think this is really where I should be. Am I just crazy? Even if I am, shouldn't I at least be comfortable a little?

This is so hard to put into words.

For a different person in my situation, if they wanted to get an apartment, they would. It's probably cheaper than what it costs to be in a dorm, and it is much more pleasant. Its real too; not a world of sick, high, drunk teenagers that think they are adults. If anyone else wanted to, they would just leave. Simple.

So why am I here? I really can't figure that out. If I don't want to be here, why do I have to be? What is holding me here? Nothing. Except an invisible law.

It's the same with school in general. I know people who didn't bother to go to college and they're doing just fine. Or, those who did go to college, and tried their best, never ended up using their degree at all. It's just whatever job happened to tumble through that gets picked up, and you work at that. Who uses a college degree anymore...?

Most of it is garbage anyway. All people want is the name of the school on some stupid piece of paper. No one cares what you know, or if you're any good at something. I want to be out of this.

If I want to write... why don't I just write? Do I really need four philosophy classes and two religion to do that? Who can force me to? You can't stop me from writing if I don't partake in this joke.

But I am being stopped. I'm forced to stay in this pitiful society. I just want to be out of this hell. It's pointless. It isn't helping me at all. In fact, it has only destroyed who I am, and I know I can never be the person I once was. It's like going through war, and I just don't want to be in it anymore. I surrender.

Yeah, I kind of want to talk to someone, but I wouldn't know what to say. Lately, I haven't been able to speak any words to someone I know cares without crying. So, I don't say anything. What would I say anyway? I wouldn't know where to start. I know they can't help me anyway. I don't know what to do. I guess I'm the only one that can make a decision for myself. But... that doesn't get rid of the "law" either.


Some of you may be suspecting that the "law" is my parents wishes. You are partially right. But it isn't that simple either. I am my own law also. I know what my parents want me to do. They aren't overbearing (most of the time) about school issues, but they still have expectations on certain things. Going to college is kind of just something that you do, you know? After high school is college. People do that. Not going to college is kind of taboo. I don't know... it's just expected.


That's why I say that if I was anyone else, I could just drop out of school right now. Without ties, and no one expecting you to live up to something, you can do a lot of things you couldn't do before. If I really didn't care what my parents wanted, I could.


That sounds really terrible. My parents aren't bad people. They really know plenty more than me. I know that I should listen to what they have to say, and I do. I can't really think of any time I went against what they said when something major came along. Things have been okay too. I believe in them. They have more insight on life matters than I could ever have.


But....


What if this is an exception? Can they really see into my heart that much? Not even just my heart. My soul. It hurts, and I really don't think that anyone else can imagine what this feels like.


Am I going to screw up? Am I going to do something really stupid? I don't think I will, but whatever decision I make, I'm sure I'll regret something. If I quit school now, I'll think that my life probably could have been better if I didn't. But if I don't do something soon...


Is that all there really is? A better life? What is that? Wealth? I don't care about that. I just want to live. Why does that have to be so difficult?


How do normal people get by? Do they just accept it? Or do they just not think about it?

I feel totally lost. I barely even do anything when I go to work now. I login and then go back to my room. I could really care less. No, I don't need medicine. This isn't about me being confused and depressed anymore. This is me with real thoughts and real feelings. Maybe I need something for stress, or something to keep me stable, but medicine isn't going to change my feelings towards this useless time of school. Neither is time. I'm not waiting for something.

I just want to enjoy life. I can't be content with anything. I want to be genuinely happy. Every moment I have, I'm just crying and moping about how stupid life is.

What about just switching schools, or doing college online?

I don't think that would really solve anything. The point is that there isn't really anything I want to do anymore. It's not that I'm lazy or that I just don't want to work. I would like to work, but it has to be a certain kind. My dream is to work in a bakery, where people can chat while they drink their coffee or tea (or hot chocolate!) and just enjoy moments of sweetness in a cozy area. I would bake cookies and brownies and cute little cakes with pretty frostings. Isn't that simple?

Anything I want to do, I want to just do it myself. I'm tired of asking this world for help. I want it to leave me alone and let me do what I want for a change.

This is what I really want.

I want an apartment for me and my cat to live in. I'll cook breakfast, we'll watch cartoons together. I'll paint on the walls if I feel like it. We'll share stories in the evening and cuddle on the couch all night if we want, not having to worry.

It's too surreal, isn't it. I wonder if I'm just idealising something that really isn't that sweet. I did that with college. I thought it would be great. I would be myself, and find people who I could be comfortable with, and we would be a quirky, artsy crew, learning things you couldn't learn anywhere else.

It turned into something I never wanted. I can't even put it into words. I just really hate this.

I would miss things. If I didn't come back here, I would have people to miss. I really do love some people here, but somehow we still aren't close. People I respect. Like Master Schrippa, KB, Hutch, Roche, Hannan....

Most of these people... no, I'm sure that all of these people don't know how must I really look up to them.

Isn't that funny? Adults. Why is it that I am always drawn more to people so much older than me? I suppose it doesn't matter.

The time here has been dreadfully horrendous, but there have been good things too. I can live on my own. I feel like I've learned more about myself, and I think I take care of myself and my surroundings more. I even started recycling. I've been given a different perspective on a lot of things.

But, I'm ready to be done now. I've learned the important things.

Am I kidding myself...? I get this feeling that I'm pulling a big joke on myself.


By the way, I look fun today.

-Lisa

Opposite Hope - A Dog's Day

I'm feeling down. I want to give up. I want to quit school. I want an apartment and be terribly poor and work all day at a cafe I love. I want to give up on love and hope. I want to be alone, but not lonely. I want to cook breakfast every morning and even have things like honey and orange juice. I want to bake in my own kitchen and clean my own dishes by hand. I want to paint my own walls. I want to run away to a nameless land, but not imaginary. I want to eat food when I want to eat it. I want to go out late at night for no particular reason. I want to be friends with strangers in a city, but they won't cling to me. I want to eat something with substance that doesn't come out of a box. I want to have a crush on a cute boy and never tell him my name, but imagine we are in love. Then, I want him to move away. I want a dog.

An Old English Sheepdog...

...or a Maremma...

...or a Terrier of some kind...

...or a golden retriever.

Time to mope around.

By the way, I look like crap today.

-Lisa

Sailing Across the Sea

There's a lot to talk about, isn't there? Maybe. What comes next, I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see.

I've been feeling better lately. I've been able to function and I've even had some genuine good days with good feelings and thoughts. I don't exactly like the idea that I have to take medicine to get there, but as long as I don't want to die, that's good, right?

Its been really tough. Life seems so pointless, and yet we have to keep living. I don't even know what we're living for. I still have thoughts like these, but the natural state of the euphoric human mind says, "Oh well."

There's been a lot I've wanted to figure out about myself since the beginning of... whatever this is, but I haven't had the mental stability to. I haven't had the willpower either. I want to know what it is that is making me feel so down. What is wrong? What do I want? What will make me feel better?

These are the questions other people ask me, but I never know what to say. I generally make a statement related to school. "I'm stressed," or, "I have a lot of work to do." Are these even true? That's what I want to look at.

Did you know that I can't even remember what happened at the beginning of the semester? I do vaguely, but it's like there's a hole where those memories are. I think if I just sat and thought for a while, I might be able to remember pieces, or I could go back and reread my emails and blog entries, but I don't want to have to return to that. I can't remember, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still suffering. It's like a deep wound, but I don't know how it got there. I guess it doesn't matter how, that fact is that it hurts and needs to be taken care of.

But, I don't even know where the wound is.

Sometimes I wish an English professor would read my blog and think, "Wow, she has great style," or, "She's brave to write so truthfully(in a good way)." Likewise, I wish other certain professors would read and be able to better understand the way I think. I'd want them to kind of stumble upon it without me having to tell them. That's weird, don't you think?

As a kid I would always show my diary entries to my mom. Somehow, just writing my thoughts down isn't good enough for me. If they can't be read, there's no relief. I want people to know how I feel, but I can't tell them.

Now I'm blank. What was I getting at again...?

Lately, I feel like I'm out of words. Like, I've used them all up and now there is nothing left to say.

What has been happening lately?

Well, I rediscovered why I never involve myself in forums anymore. I was on the Hello-Online forum for a couple days (observing anyway), trying to keep up to date with what is happening with Kago Ai (News article). Forums are just full of people who think they know everything. It's all just people misunderstanding each other, and correcting each other on a completely irrelevant topic. I've heard people say before that they don't care if they say something mean to someone online, because they are just a person on the Internet. Yeah, a person. Just because they are online doesn't make them any less human.

There's also more than I can take of speculation, especially on Hello!Online. All people ever do are speculate on who is going to be in a scandle next, who is going to graduate, who is more truthful in the idol world, what people probably think, and what they might do next. I'm really tired of hearing what people think other people might do. You can't anaylze someone's life like that and formulate what is going to come next. Not only is it disturbing, it's dehumanizing.

Ah, one more thing. The majority of blogs, forums, and comments left on news articles or products, have a terribly negative response... from fans. Don't you find that a bit odd to be a fan of someone, but continually complain about them and say bad things? I guess I'm the only one who likes who I admire...?

Moving on...

I guess I'll give a brief taste of my feelings on Kago's "return."

I was really happy to see her again. When she was in Morning Musume, and even after she graduated, I really didn't like her all that much. I didn't exactly follow Momusu in those stages though, because I only started keep close tabs around late 2005(?). Although I did like them for a long time, I wasn't well versed on the history of the group, or the present either. I didn't know who had graduated, and who had a solo career. I remember printing of a page with their names, photos, and generation so I could study it. Now, it's sometimes hard for me to grasp the idea of people not being able to tell the girls apart.

Anyway, for a while I didn't like her because I felt like she was a nuisance. She was too much of a troublemaker and she didn't follow the "rules" of being an idol (not the real rules, things like etiquette). To me, she didn't seem to take her position seriously.

Eventually I grew to love her though. I realized she was just having fun, like a girl her age should. I can't image what kind of pressure she must have had at the time (and after reading the article I learned it was even more than just the job). I'm glad she could have fun with it. Somehow, everyone just loved her.

Kago looks so grown up in the photos. I really like that. Other people have said that she is "trying to look grown up." To me, I believe she just honestly has grown up. She is 20.

She looks beautiful, don't you think? I didn't recognize her at first. I hadn't read the headline yet and just saw the photo and though, "Who is that cute girl?" She was always cute before, but that was a sort of little girlish, idol-cute. Now she's just a very sweet, beautiful young woman.

While others have said she is going back into show business (I don't know if this is just a rumor, or if its official), I really can't say how I feel about that. She has enormous amounts of talent, and I would just love to be able to see more of her, but I want to be able to see the true girl, not a fancied-up pop singer. I just want everything to go well with her. It's in these situations where I wish I could be her friend. Not just a fan to cheer her on, or a friend because I admire her. I just wish I could be someone she could always turn to. I don't think she has anyone for that. The life of an idol really is sheltered.

I just hope she'll be okay.

I kind of expected there would be a different reaction to this news. I thought people would be doing everything they could to get information, or go to extensive lengths to show they're excitement that she would be returning to show business. Most of what I've seen is people being interested at first, analyzing, speculating, and then going on to other things. It's like... "I'll look at this later, or sometime."

Well, it's time for some photos.

I purchased some candy from Wizzy Wigs, and was kind of disappointed. The one thing I wanted more than anything, Strawberry mochi, was discontinued. Unfortunately, they didn't say this on the page, and instead sent my order, minus the mochi. If I had known, I probably wouldn't have bought anything at all.


I got this melon mochi, and I was going to put the strawberry and melon together for a cute watermelon-esque photo. Now, it's just melon, but still kind of cute. I don't particularly like the taste. It tastes just like the korean hard candy, but somehow I don't like it in this form. The filling has a definate bean paste texture that I didn't ever notice on the strawberry.

This is a close-up leaf cookie from the bakery in Kinokuniya. Delicious!!

Eel! That was actually really good! I'd love to go back and have some more.

This was what Erika ordered. Eel, salad, teriyaki chicken, rice, dumpling soup. I also got dumpling soup and rice. Asher wanted me to try his miso soup and asked what it reminded me of. All I could think of was the barn. Cows. He said he did too, but he thought he was just crazy. It didn't taste bad, or smell bad. It was just... a memory? It was like we could taste the smell (but not in a bad way).

I went to their house for the weekend and we played video games and walked around Princeton and NYC. It was a nice time. I liked being able to be away from school.

That's all for now. I can't remember the other stuff I was going to say, but I'll write again eventually.

-Lisa

To Be a Machine

Today is a thinking day, with quite a bit to think about. Mind you, thoughts are likely to be scattered and nonsensical.

I have to wonder why people are still hanging on to friendship. It's really painful, you know? Why grip at the very last taste of something when it's only bringing trouble? Shouldn't it just end and be done with?

I've obviously hurt people somehow, and I really can't be bothered to try to mend things. If its over, then fine. Let it be. End it and forget it. Don't try to constantly awaken a feeling that is already lost. If all I bring is trouble for you, then leave me alone. That's all either of us want, isn't it?

By the way, just so I don't get in any trouble, those of you reading this shouldn't think anything that is going on in my mind is directed towards you. Often times, anything in my mind that goes here isn't based on anyone in particular. They are just fragments and puffs of thoughts and feelings. I'm only cleansing the soul a bit.

Speaking of souls, mine hasn't yet recovered. I'm sure it never will full recover either. The medicine has led me to believe that most of it has been taped back together. But somehow it still isn't complete. It's like there is a puncture in it and bits of me are slowly dripping out. I wonder when I'll finally be empty?

I know that sometimes, when I'm feeling down, I just let myself get down really far. I know I can stop it, and I realise that I'm doing this to myself, but when you're sinking, sometimes you just want to sink completely. Sometimes that's all you can do. Then you have to wait for someone to pull you out, but that doesn't always happen.

So much is expected of me right now, and it really shouldn't be. Have't I been through enough for people to understand that I can't handle normal life? Every decision I have to make in the day weighs me down. It's heavy....

Right now, I just want to start over. Clean. Completely. I want to begin without any attatchments hanging on to me. Maybe I'll run away to a land that doesn't exist.

I want to be away from everyone. Alone.

I wish that dreams could really be an "escape." They could be a place where no one else can find you. It would be safe. It would be a place where you could be quiet, and think, or perhaps not think, and simply be.

Instead, dreams are a mush of nonsense that often leaves us dripping with a demented horror left behind in our mind in a place we can't run from when it chases us, or find it when we need it.

-Lisa