Misconception

I feel like I'm leading you on to believe something that isn't true. The words I write here don't make sense when I re-read them. I just don't know how to put this situation I'm in into comprehensible words.

The way is sounds, is that I'm tired of being in school, and that I just don't want to work, or that I don't have any confidence in myself.

This isn't what I'm trying to get at though. I have confidence in myself for the most part. I am basically content with my abilities. I would always like to improve, and learn more, but school just isn't doing that for me.

School just isn't working for me. It might help me get a job at some point, but that isn't the kind of job I want.

I don't want to be in this school, or an school ever again.

It's like I'm just compromising. Barely that even. It's like.... This class might touch on a subject I'm sort of interested in, even though it has nothing to do with my major. I guess I'll take that. Every class I've looked at is made up of things I don't care about in the least. Even subjects that are supposed to revolve around the things I'm interested are just a jumble of useless information. Like the history of film, or SPEECH.

I don't need or want someone to ask, "Have you ever considered this class/school/job/mindset?" I don't need any of that. I don't really know what I need. Not just a vacation either. Students all over campus are burnt out and just dying for summer vacation. Everyone wants school to be over. I want school to be over, but not just for the summer. I want to be out of here for good. It's not that I need a break to collect my thoughts on this. I don't need time to heal. I know what I want now. Just ignoring what I want and continuing with this idea that time is going to solve everything is just an excuse not to do anything. Time. I'm not waiting for anything. What can time do for me?

In the end, I just know that it is impossible for me to do this for three more years.

I wonder if this is making any more sense than my last entry.

This is hard. I can't even think anymore. I've gone over this situation in my mind so many times that it's just becoming a blur. I can't stop thinking about it either. I can't go through a day without wondering what's going to happen to me, and who I am going to disappoint. I know that if this ever ends, someone is going to be upset with me. If no one else, I will be with myself.

When did life become so hard?

I've been feeling constantly sick lately. Like I'm waiting for something to happen. It's the feeling you get when you know you have a huge speech to make in the next couple minutes, but those minutes are lasting forever.

When I lived in pretend
My goals were clear
The future was bright
And pretend let me believe
There was something I lived for

I guess I'll just think about this some more and try to come up with a way to present this problem more clearly.

-Lisa

A Serious Decision - I Am My Own Chapter

I don't think I've ever been at such a hard point before this school year. Deaths, insanity, quarrels, and now this. I'm really at a loss.

As I write this, I am not being influenced by raging feelings. Feelings are always a part of a human's thoughts, but in this particular moment, I am just saying that they aren't making me blind. I feel like I can see very clearly, but the only things to see is emptiness.

It's like the whole world is trying to get to this goal, but they don't know what it is because no one has ever seen it. Still, they want to get there. I can see it though. The people aren't getting closer, they're just running in place. Only those who stop and look can see the end, and it's just an end. An empty area.

I'm just aiming towards nothing. Maybe other people can be okay with that, but I can't. I can't live knowing that I'm not going anywhere.

People tell me things like I have talent, there are a lot of things I can do, there's potential. But for what? What does that even matter? What if I don't even want to do any of that?

All I know is I like to write what I want to write, and that I like using cameras.

That's it.

That doesn't mean I want to make either of those into this life-long career. I used to think I wanted to, but I'd rather not have to write garbage I don't care about, or have an editor breathing down my neck, pestering me to get done. I don't want to film or photograph stupid things I don't care about either. I don't want to be in television. I hate television.

That's all that there is though. Either that, or be poor.

Maybe I want to be poor.

Honestly, all I want is to freelance. I know it's hard, but I really don't care. If someone wants to buy anything from me, I will be flattered. I hope that someone will, somewhere. But I don't want my life to be ruled by someone else. I hate this.

I want to quit school. There is nothing here for me. Nothing. There is nothing I look forward to doing here. The only thing waiting for me in the years to come is more suffering. I'm not saying this because of my current feelings or the situations I've had to deal with. There is just simply nothing I want from here. The classes I've taken so far, I can't even remember. It's just a waste of time. The classes I'm taking now that I thought I would like, have blown up into a disaster. I dread going to them. They make me sick.

I'm really at a loss here. I don't know what I want to do. I know what want now, but it's impossible.

That's the most irritating part about this. It's not impossible. I'm really at a conflict with myself. I know my parents know best. But at the same time, I don't think this is really where I should be. Am I just crazy? Even if I am, shouldn't I at least be comfortable a little?

This is so hard to put into words.

For a different person in my situation, if they wanted to get an apartment, they would. It's probably cheaper than what it costs to be in a dorm, and it is much more pleasant. Its real too; not a world of sick, high, drunk teenagers that think they are adults. If anyone else wanted to, they would just leave. Simple.

So why am I here? I really can't figure that out. If I don't want to be here, why do I have to be? What is holding me here? Nothing. Except an invisible law.

It's the same with school in general. I know people who didn't bother to go to college and they're doing just fine. Or, those who did go to college, and tried their best, never ended up using their degree at all. It's just whatever job happened to tumble through that gets picked up, and you work at that. Who uses a college degree anymore...?

Most of it is garbage anyway. All people want is the name of the school on some stupid piece of paper. No one cares what you know, or if you're any good at something. I want to be out of this.

If I want to write... why don't I just write? Do I really need four philosophy classes and two religion to do that? Who can force me to? You can't stop me from writing if I don't partake in this joke.

But I am being stopped. I'm forced to stay in this pitiful society. I just want to be out of this hell. It's pointless. It isn't helping me at all. In fact, it has only destroyed who I am, and I know I can never be the person I once was. It's like going through war, and I just don't want to be in it anymore. I surrender.

Yeah, I kind of want to talk to someone, but I wouldn't know what to say. Lately, I haven't been able to speak any words to someone I know cares without crying. So, I don't say anything. What would I say anyway? I wouldn't know where to start. I know they can't help me anyway. I don't know what to do. I guess I'm the only one that can make a decision for myself. But... that doesn't get rid of the "law" either.


Some of you may be suspecting that the "law" is my parents wishes. You are partially right. But it isn't that simple either. I am my own law also. I know what my parents want me to do. They aren't overbearing (most of the time) about school issues, but they still have expectations on certain things. Going to college is kind of just something that you do, you know? After high school is college. People do that. Not going to college is kind of taboo. I don't know... it's just expected.


That's why I say that if I was anyone else, I could just drop out of school right now. Without ties, and no one expecting you to live up to something, you can do a lot of things you couldn't do before. If I really didn't care what my parents wanted, I could.


That sounds really terrible. My parents aren't bad people. They really know plenty more than me. I know that I should listen to what they have to say, and I do. I can't really think of any time I went against what they said when something major came along. Things have been okay too. I believe in them. They have more insight on life matters than I could ever have.


But....


What if this is an exception? Can they really see into my heart that much? Not even just my heart. My soul. It hurts, and I really don't think that anyone else can imagine what this feels like.


Am I going to screw up? Am I going to do something really stupid? I don't think I will, but whatever decision I make, I'm sure I'll regret something. If I quit school now, I'll think that my life probably could have been better if I didn't. But if I don't do something soon...


Is that all there really is? A better life? What is that? Wealth? I don't care about that. I just want to live. Why does that have to be so difficult?


How do normal people get by? Do they just accept it? Or do they just not think about it?

I feel totally lost. I barely even do anything when I go to work now. I login and then go back to my room. I could really care less. No, I don't need medicine. This isn't about me being confused and depressed anymore. This is me with real thoughts and real feelings. Maybe I need something for stress, or something to keep me stable, but medicine isn't going to change my feelings towards this useless time of school. Neither is time. I'm not waiting for something.

I just want to enjoy life. I can't be content with anything. I want to be genuinely happy. Every moment I have, I'm just crying and moping about how stupid life is.

What about just switching schools, or doing college online?

I don't think that would really solve anything. The point is that there isn't really anything I want to do anymore. It's not that I'm lazy or that I just don't want to work. I would like to work, but it has to be a certain kind. My dream is to work in a bakery, where people can chat while they drink their coffee or tea (or hot chocolate!) and just enjoy moments of sweetness in a cozy area. I would bake cookies and brownies and cute little cakes with pretty frostings. Isn't that simple?

Anything I want to do, I want to just do it myself. I'm tired of asking this world for help. I want it to leave me alone and let me do what I want for a change.

This is what I really want.

I want an apartment for me and my cat to live in. I'll cook breakfast, we'll watch cartoons together. I'll paint on the walls if I feel like it. We'll share stories in the evening and cuddle on the couch all night if we want, not having to worry.

It's too surreal, isn't it. I wonder if I'm just idealising something that really isn't that sweet. I did that with college. I thought it would be great. I would be myself, and find people who I could be comfortable with, and we would be a quirky, artsy crew, learning things you couldn't learn anywhere else.

It turned into something I never wanted. I can't even put it into words. I just really hate this.

I would miss things. If I didn't come back here, I would have people to miss. I really do love some people here, but somehow we still aren't close. People I respect. Like Master Schrippa, KB, Hutch, Roche, Hannan....

Most of these people... no, I'm sure that all of these people don't know how must I really look up to them.

Isn't that funny? Adults. Why is it that I am always drawn more to people so much older than me? I suppose it doesn't matter.

The time here has been dreadfully horrendous, but there have been good things too. I can live on my own. I feel like I've learned more about myself, and I think I take care of myself and my surroundings more. I even started recycling. I've been given a different perspective on a lot of things.

But, I'm ready to be done now. I've learned the important things.

Am I kidding myself...? I get this feeling that I'm pulling a big joke on myself.


By the way, I look fun today.

-Lisa

Opposite Hope - A Dog's Day

I'm feeling down. I want to give up. I want to quit school. I want an apartment and be terribly poor and work all day at a cafe I love. I want to give up on love and hope. I want to be alone, but not lonely. I want to cook breakfast every morning and even have things like honey and orange juice. I want to bake in my own kitchen and clean my own dishes by hand. I want to paint my own walls. I want to run away to a nameless land, but not imaginary. I want to eat food when I want to eat it. I want to go out late at night for no particular reason. I want to be friends with strangers in a city, but they won't cling to me. I want to eat something with substance that doesn't come out of a box. I want to have a crush on a cute boy and never tell him my name, but imagine we are in love. Then, I want him to move away. I want a dog.

An Old English Sheepdog...

...or a Maremma...

...or a Terrier of some kind...

...or a golden retriever.

Time to mope around.

By the way, I look like crap today.

-Lisa

Sailing Across the Sea

There's a lot to talk about, isn't there? Maybe. What comes next, I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see.

I've been feeling better lately. I've been able to function and I've even had some genuine good days with good feelings and thoughts. I don't exactly like the idea that I have to take medicine to get there, but as long as I don't want to die, that's good, right?

Its been really tough. Life seems so pointless, and yet we have to keep living. I don't even know what we're living for. I still have thoughts like these, but the natural state of the euphoric human mind says, "Oh well."

There's been a lot I've wanted to figure out about myself since the beginning of... whatever this is, but I haven't had the mental stability to. I haven't had the willpower either. I want to know what it is that is making me feel so down. What is wrong? What do I want? What will make me feel better?

These are the questions other people ask me, but I never know what to say. I generally make a statement related to school. "I'm stressed," or, "I have a lot of work to do." Are these even true? That's what I want to look at.

Did you know that I can't even remember what happened at the beginning of the semester? I do vaguely, but it's like there's a hole where those memories are. I think if I just sat and thought for a while, I might be able to remember pieces, or I could go back and reread my emails and blog entries, but I don't want to have to return to that. I can't remember, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still suffering. It's like a deep wound, but I don't know how it got there. I guess it doesn't matter how, that fact is that it hurts and needs to be taken care of.

But, I don't even know where the wound is.

Sometimes I wish an English professor would read my blog and think, "Wow, she has great style," or, "She's brave to write so truthfully(in a good way)." Likewise, I wish other certain professors would read and be able to better understand the way I think. I'd want them to kind of stumble upon it without me having to tell them. That's weird, don't you think?

As a kid I would always show my diary entries to my mom. Somehow, just writing my thoughts down isn't good enough for me. If they can't be read, there's no relief. I want people to know how I feel, but I can't tell them.

Now I'm blank. What was I getting at again...?

Lately, I feel like I'm out of words. Like, I've used them all up and now there is nothing left to say.

What has been happening lately?

Well, I rediscovered why I never involve myself in forums anymore. I was on the Hello-Online forum for a couple days (observing anyway), trying to keep up to date with what is happening with Kago Ai (News article). Forums are just full of people who think they know everything. It's all just people misunderstanding each other, and correcting each other on a completely irrelevant topic. I've heard people say before that they don't care if they say something mean to someone online, because they are just a person on the Internet. Yeah, a person. Just because they are online doesn't make them any less human.

There's also more than I can take of speculation, especially on Hello!Online. All people ever do are speculate on who is going to be in a scandle next, who is going to graduate, who is more truthful in the idol world, what people probably think, and what they might do next. I'm really tired of hearing what people think other people might do. You can't anaylze someone's life like that and formulate what is going to come next. Not only is it disturbing, it's dehumanizing.

Ah, one more thing. The majority of blogs, forums, and comments left on news articles or products, have a terribly negative response... from fans. Don't you find that a bit odd to be a fan of someone, but continually complain about them and say bad things? I guess I'm the only one who likes who I admire...?

Moving on...

I guess I'll give a brief taste of my feelings on Kago's "return."

I was really happy to see her again. When she was in Morning Musume, and even after she graduated, I really didn't like her all that much. I didn't exactly follow Momusu in those stages though, because I only started keep close tabs around late 2005(?). Although I did like them for a long time, I wasn't well versed on the history of the group, or the present either. I didn't know who had graduated, and who had a solo career. I remember printing of a page with their names, photos, and generation so I could study it. Now, it's sometimes hard for me to grasp the idea of people not being able to tell the girls apart.

Anyway, for a while I didn't like her because I felt like she was a nuisance. She was too much of a troublemaker and she didn't follow the "rules" of being an idol (not the real rules, things like etiquette). To me, she didn't seem to take her position seriously.

Eventually I grew to love her though. I realized she was just having fun, like a girl her age should. I can't image what kind of pressure she must have had at the time (and after reading the article I learned it was even more than just the job). I'm glad she could have fun with it. Somehow, everyone just loved her.

Kago looks so grown up in the photos. I really like that. Other people have said that she is "trying to look grown up." To me, I believe she just honestly has grown up. She is 20.

She looks beautiful, don't you think? I didn't recognize her at first. I hadn't read the headline yet and just saw the photo and though, "Who is that cute girl?" She was always cute before, but that was a sort of little girlish, idol-cute. Now she's just a very sweet, beautiful young woman.

While others have said she is going back into show business (I don't know if this is just a rumor, or if its official), I really can't say how I feel about that. She has enormous amounts of talent, and I would just love to be able to see more of her, but I want to be able to see the true girl, not a fancied-up pop singer. I just want everything to go well with her. It's in these situations where I wish I could be her friend. Not just a fan to cheer her on, or a friend because I admire her. I just wish I could be someone she could always turn to. I don't think she has anyone for that. The life of an idol really is sheltered.

I just hope she'll be okay.

I kind of expected there would be a different reaction to this news. I thought people would be doing everything they could to get information, or go to extensive lengths to show they're excitement that she would be returning to show business. Most of what I've seen is people being interested at first, analyzing, speculating, and then going on to other things. It's like... "I'll look at this later, or sometime."

Well, it's time for some photos.

I purchased some candy from Wizzy Wigs, and was kind of disappointed. The one thing I wanted more than anything, Strawberry mochi, was discontinued. Unfortunately, they didn't say this on the page, and instead sent my order, minus the mochi. If I had known, I probably wouldn't have bought anything at all.


I got this melon mochi, and I was going to put the strawberry and melon together for a cute watermelon-esque photo. Now, it's just melon, but still kind of cute. I don't particularly like the taste. It tastes just like the korean hard candy, but somehow I don't like it in this form. The filling has a definate bean paste texture that I didn't ever notice on the strawberry.

This is a close-up leaf cookie from the bakery in Kinokuniya. Delicious!!

Eel! That was actually really good! I'd love to go back and have some more.

This was what Erika ordered. Eel, salad, teriyaki chicken, rice, dumpling soup. I also got dumpling soup and rice. Asher wanted me to try his miso soup and asked what it reminded me of. All I could think of was the barn. Cows. He said he did too, but he thought he was just crazy. It didn't taste bad, or smell bad. It was just... a memory? It was like we could taste the smell (but not in a bad way).

I went to their house for the weekend and we played video games and walked around Princeton and NYC. It was a nice time. I liked being able to be away from school.

That's all for now. I can't remember the other stuff I was going to say, but I'll write again eventually.

-Lisa

To Be a Machine

Today is a thinking day, with quite a bit to think about. Mind you, thoughts are likely to be scattered and nonsensical.

I have to wonder why people are still hanging on to friendship. It's really painful, you know? Why grip at the very last taste of something when it's only bringing trouble? Shouldn't it just end and be done with?

I've obviously hurt people somehow, and I really can't be bothered to try to mend things. If its over, then fine. Let it be. End it and forget it. Don't try to constantly awaken a feeling that is already lost. If all I bring is trouble for you, then leave me alone. That's all either of us want, isn't it?

By the way, just so I don't get in any trouble, those of you reading this shouldn't think anything that is going on in my mind is directed towards you. Often times, anything in my mind that goes here isn't based on anyone in particular. They are just fragments and puffs of thoughts and feelings. I'm only cleansing the soul a bit.

Speaking of souls, mine hasn't yet recovered. I'm sure it never will full recover either. The medicine has led me to believe that most of it has been taped back together. But somehow it still isn't complete. It's like there is a puncture in it and bits of me are slowly dripping out. I wonder when I'll finally be empty?

I know that sometimes, when I'm feeling down, I just let myself get down really far. I know I can stop it, and I realise that I'm doing this to myself, but when you're sinking, sometimes you just want to sink completely. Sometimes that's all you can do. Then you have to wait for someone to pull you out, but that doesn't always happen.

So much is expected of me right now, and it really shouldn't be. Have't I been through enough for people to understand that I can't handle normal life? Every decision I have to make in the day weighs me down. It's heavy....

Right now, I just want to start over. Clean. Completely. I want to begin without any attatchments hanging on to me. Maybe I'll run away to a land that doesn't exist.

I want to be away from everyone. Alone.

I wish that dreams could really be an "escape." They could be a place where no one else can find you. It would be safe. It would be a place where you could be quiet, and think, or perhaps not think, and simply be.

Instead, dreams are a mush of nonsense that often leaves us dripping with a demented horror left behind in our mind in a place we can't run from when it chases us, or find it when we need it.

-Lisa

Something Bittersweet

This is hard to talk about. I don't know if it's just the night, or if I really don't want to dive back into it right now.

A lot of things have happened, and I'm an emotional wreck. My body shakes constantly, my heart races at times, and I feel like I'm going insane.

I got a hold of some medicine, and got to a doctor (a real doctor, not a counselor) who signed the forms to get me a single room next year. At the point I'm at right now, I can't even really be satisfied with that though. I feel like it won't really help. I'll still be alone, and this time I really will be.

I guess I've grown attached to Jessica. I still like it when she goes to class, or somewhere during the evening or weekend, because I can have time to myself. It's been nice having someone around that I know isn't watching me and waiting to attack me all the time. I feel safe around her. Once in a while we'll just say little things to each other, or ask a question, or say something philosophical. I like that.

Next year, I think I'll miss that. I know I'll miss her. It's become normal to have her and Anthony around. She's going to do school online next year, and I think things just won't be the same.

Besides that, I've been doing better. I haven't been staying up all night in tears, and I've started doing a couple things again. Miraculously, I started typing up some ideas for a story when I was at home. I have two pages of notes so far, and I'm still brainstorming. Hopefully something can come out of that.

The problem isn't solved. Whatever that might be. I've been able to cope with things better, but whatever it is that is eating me away is still there.

Sometimes, when people are depressed they say things they don't really mean. The world seems dark to them, and they grab at everything that's sad to clump into themselves. After they are done with it, they return to a "regular" state, forgetting all the problems that seemingly troubled them before.

That isn't what is happening here. Everything is clinging to me, and its all very real. Even when I'm enjoying myself, the troubles are still hanging on. I'm not always thinking about it, but that doesn't mean they are gone. This isn't just something I can move on from. I'm being broken apart, and I really don't know why.

That's all for now.

-Lisa

PTS

I think I just realized I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Taken from the online wikipedia
"Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a traumatic event. When that trauma leads to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, damage may involve physical changes inside the brain and to brain chemistry, which affect the person's ability to cope with stress.
A traumatic event involves a single experience, or an enduring or repeating event or events, that completely overwhelm the individual's ability to cope or integrate the ideas and emotions involved with that experience. The sense of being overwhelmed can be delayed by weeks or years, as the person struggles to cope with the immediate danger. Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are a few common aspects. It usually involves a feeling of complete helplessness in the face of a real or subjective threat to one's life or to that of loved ones, to bodily integrity, or sanity. There is frequently a violation of the person's familiar ideas about the world and of their human rights, putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. This is also seen when people or institutions depended on for survival violate or betray the person in some unforeseen way."