Sailing Across the Sea

There's a lot to talk about, isn't there? Maybe. What comes next, I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see.

I've been feeling better lately. I've been able to function and I've even had some genuine good days with good feelings and thoughts. I don't exactly like the idea that I have to take medicine to get there, but as long as I don't want to die, that's good, right?

Its been really tough. Life seems so pointless, and yet we have to keep living. I don't even know what we're living for. I still have thoughts like these, but the natural state of the euphoric human mind says, "Oh well."

There's been a lot I've wanted to figure out about myself since the beginning of... whatever this is, but I haven't had the mental stability to. I haven't had the willpower either. I want to know what it is that is making me feel so down. What is wrong? What do I want? What will make me feel better?

These are the questions other people ask me, but I never know what to say. I generally make a statement related to school. "I'm stressed," or, "I have a lot of work to do." Are these even true? That's what I want to look at.

Did you know that I can't even remember what happened at the beginning of the semester? I do vaguely, but it's like there's a hole where those memories are. I think if I just sat and thought for a while, I might be able to remember pieces, or I could go back and reread my emails and blog entries, but I don't want to have to return to that. I can't remember, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still suffering. It's like a deep wound, but I don't know how it got there. I guess it doesn't matter how, that fact is that it hurts and needs to be taken care of.

But, I don't even know where the wound is.

Sometimes I wish an English professor would read my blog and think, "Wow, she has great style," or, "She's brave to write so truthfully(in a good way)." Likewise, I wish other certain professors would read and be able to better understand the way I think. I'd want them to kind of stumble upon it without me having to tell them. That's weird, don't you think?

As a kid I would always show my diary entries to my mom. Somehow, just writing my thoughts down isn't good enough for me. If they can't be read, there's no relief. I want people to know how I feel, but I can't tell them.

Now I'm blank. What was I getting at again...?

Lately, I feel like I'm out of words. Like, I've used them all up and now there is nothing left to say.

What has been happening lately?

Well, I rediscovered why I never involve myself in forums anymore. I was on the Hello-Online forum for a couple days (observing anyway), trying to keep up to date with what is happening with Kago Ai (News article). Forums are just full of people who think they know everything. It's all just people misunderstanding each other, and correcting each other on a completely irrelevant topic. I've heard people say before that they don't care if they say something mean to someone online, because they are just a person on the Internet. Yeah, a person. Just because they are online doesn't make them any less human.

There's also more than I can take of speculation, especially on Hello!Online. All people ever do are speculate on who is going to be in a scandle next, who is going to graduate, who is more truthful in the idol world, what people probably think, and what they might do next. I'm really tired of hearing what people think other people might do. You can't anaylze someone's life like that and formulate what is going to come next. Not only is it disturbing, it's dehumanizing.

Ah, one more thing. The majority of blogs, forums, and comments left on news articles or products, have a terribly negative response... from fans. Don't you find that a bit odd to be a fan of someone, but continually complain about them and say bad things? I guess I'm the only one who likes who I admire...?

Moving on...

I guess I'll give a brief taste of my feelings on Kago's "return."

I was really happy to see her again. When she was in Morning Musume, and even after she graduated, I really didn't like her all that much. I didn't exactly follow Momusu in those stages though, because I only started keep close tabs around late 2005(?). Although I did like them for a long time, I wasn't well versed on the history of the group, or the present either. I didn't know who had graduated, and who had a solo career. I remember printing of a page with their names, photos, and generation so I could study it. Now, it's sometimes hard for me to grasp the idea of people not being able to tell the girls apart.

Anyway, for a while I didn't like her because I felt like she was a nuisance. She was too much of a troublemaker and she didn't follow the "rules" of being an idol (not the real rules, things like etiquette). To me, she didn't seem to take her position seriously.

Eventually I grew to love her though. I realized she was just having fun, like a girl her age should. I can't image what kind of pressure she must have had at the time (and after reading the article I learned it was even more than just the job). I'm glad she could have fun with it. Somehow, everyone just loved her.

Kago looks so grown up in the photos. I really like that. Other people have said that she is "trying to look grown up." To me, I believe she just honestly has grown up. She is 20.

She looks beautiful, don't you think? I didn't recognize her at first. I hadn't read the headline yet and just saw the photo and though, "Who is that cute girl?" She was always cute before, but that was a sort of little girlish, idol-cute. Now she's just a very sweet, beautiful young woman.

While others have said she is going back into show business (I don't know if this is just a rumor, or if its official), I really can't say how I feel about that. She has enormous amounts of talent, and I would just love to be able to see more of her, but I want to be able to see the true girl, not a fancied-up pop singer. I just want everything to go well with her. It's in these situations where I wish I could be her friend. Not just a fan to cheer her on, or a friend because I admire her. I just wish I could be someone she could always turn to. I don't think she has anyone for that. The life of an idol really is sheltered.

I just hope she'll be okay.

I kind of expected there would be a different reaction to this news. I thought people would be doing everything they could to get information, or go to extensive lengths to show they're excitement that she would be returning to show business. Most of what I've seen is people being interested at first, analyzing, speculating, and then going on to other things. It's like... "I'll look at this later, or sometime."

Well, it's time for some photos.

I purchased some candy from Wizzy Wigs, and was kind of disappointed. The one thing I wanted more than anything, Strawberry mochi, was discontinued. Unfortunately, they didn't say this on the page, and instead sent my order, minus the mochi. If I had known, I probably wouldn't have bought anything at all.


I got this melon mochi, and I was going to put the strawberry and melon together for a cute watermelon-esque photo. Now, it's just melon, but still kind of cute. I don't particularly like the taste. It tastes just like the korean hard candy, but somehow I don't like it in this form. The filling has a definate bean paste texture that I didn't ever notice on the strawberry.

This is a close-up leaf cookie from the bakery in Kinokuniya. Delicious!!

Eel! That was actually really good! I'd love to go back and have some more.

This was what Erika ordered. Eel, salad, teriyaki chicken, rice, dumpling soup. I also got dumpling soup and rice. Asher wanted me to try his miso soup and asked what it reminded me of. All I could think of was the barn. Cows. He said he did too, but he thought he was just crazy. It didn't taste bad, or smell bad. It was just... a memory? It was like we could taste the smell (but not in a bad way).

I went to their house for the weekend and we played video games and walked around Princeton and NYC. It was a nice time. I liked being able to be away from school.

That's all for now. I can't remember the other stuff I was going to say, but I'll write again eventually.

-Lisa

To Be a Machine

Today is a thinking day, with quite a bit to think about. Mind you, thoughts are likely to be scattered and nonsensical.

I have to wonder why people are still hanging on to friendship. It's really painful, you know? Why grip at the very last taste of something when it's only bringing trouble? Shouldn't it just end and be done with?

I've obviously hurt people somehow, and I really can't be bothered to try to mend things. If its over, then fine. Let it be. End it and forget it. Don't try to constantly awaken a feeling that is already lost. If all I bring is trouble for you, then leave me alone. That's all either of us want, isn't it?

By the way, just so I don't get in any trouble, those of you reading this shouldn't think anything that is going on in my mind is directed towards you. Often times, anything in my mind that goes here isn't based on anyone in particular. They are just fragments and puffs of thoughts and feelings. I'm only cleansing the soul a bit.

Speaking of souls, mine hasn't yet recovered. I'm sure it never will full recover either. The medicine has led me to believe that most of it has been taped back together. But somehow it still isn't complete. It's like there is a puncture in it and bits of me are slowly dripping out. I wonder when I'll finally be empty?

I know that sometimes, when I'm feeling down, I just let myself get down really far. I know I can stop it, and I realise that I'm doing this to myself, but when you're sinking, sometimes you just want to sink completely. Sometimes that's all you can do. Then you have to wait for someone to pull you out, but that doesn't always happen.

So much is expected of me right now, and it really shouldn't be. Have't I been through enough for people to understand that I can't handle normal life? Every decision I have to make in the day weighs me down. It's heavy....

Right now, I just want to start over. Clean. Completely. I want to begin without any attatchments hanging on to me. Maybe I'll run away to a land that doesn't exist.

I want to be away from everyone. Alone.

I wish that dreams could really be an "escape." They could be a place where no one else can find you. It would be safe. It would be a place where you could be quiet, and think, or perhaps not think, and simply be.

Instead, dreams are a mush of nonsense that often leaves us dripping with a demented horror left behind in our mind in a place we can't run from when it chases us, or find it when we need it.

-Lisa

Something Bittersweet

This is hard to talk about. I don't know if it's just the night, or if I really don't want to dive back into it right now.

A lot of things have happened, and I'm an emotional wreck. My body shakes constantly, my heart races at times, and I feel like I'm going insane.

I got a hold of some medicine, and got to a doctor (a real doctor, not a counselor) who signed the forms to get me a single room next year. At the point I'm at right now, I can't even really be satisfied with that though. I feel like it won't really help. I'll still be alone, and this time I really will be.

I guess I've grown attached to Jessica. I still like it when she goes to class, or somewhere during the evening or weekend, because I can have time to myself. It's been nice having someone around that I know isn't watching me and waiting to attack me all the time. I feel safe around her. Once in a while we'll just say little things to each other, or ask a question, or say something philosophical. I like that.

Next year, I think I'll miss that. I know I'll miss her. It's become normal to have her and Anthony around. She's going to do school online next year, and I think things just won't be the same.

Besides that, I've been doing better. I haven't been staying up all night in tears, and I've started doing a couple things again. Miraculously, I started typing up some ideas for a story when I was at home. I have two pages of notes so far, and I'm still brainstorming. Hopefully something can come out of that.

The problem isn't solved. Whatever that might be. I've been able to cope with things better, but whatever it is that is eating me away is still there.

Sometimes, when people are depressed they say things they don't really mean. The world seems dark to them, and they grab at everything that's sad to clump into themselves. After they are done with it, they return to a "regular" state, forgetting all the problems that seemingly troubled them before.

That isn't what is happening here. Everything is clinging to me, and its all very real. Even when I'm enjoying myself, the troubles are still hanging on. I'm not always thinking about it, but that doesn't mean they are gone. This isn't just something I can move on from. I'm being broken apart, and I really don't know why.

That's all for now.

-Lisa

PTS

I think I just realized I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Taken from the online wikipedia
"Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a traumatic event. When that trauma leads to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, damage may involve physical changes inside the brain and to brain chemistry, which affect the person's ability to cope with stress.
A traumatic event involves a single experience, or an enduring or repeating event or events, that completely overwhelm the individual's ability to cope or integrate the ideas and emotions involved with that experience. The sense of being overwhelmed can be delayed by weeks or years, as the person struggles to cope with the immediate danger. Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are a few common aspects. It usually involves a feeling of complete helplessness in the face of a real or subjective threat to one's life or to that of loved ones, to bodily integrity, or sanity. There is frequently a violation of the person's familiar ideas about the world and of their human rights, putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. This is also seen when people or institutions depended on for survival violate or betray the person in some unforeseen way."

Desolate

Today feels just like that day not so long ago when I was sick and everyone was mad at me about it.

http://fallenshadows2.blogspot.com/2006/03/notes-in-morning.html

The notes I wrote that morning were all really senseless, but I just needed to write something. That day was so painful because I was still sick, and couldn't help it. Everyone was mad at me for it too and wanted me to just get over it. "It's in your head."

Well, now it really is. I'm going insane, and I don't think anyone believes me. It's another day of me breaking apart, and people are just tired of having to put up with me.

Do they think I'm not tired of it?

Today, while other people are living their lives normally, I've set this whole household into a stale state; a place where no one speaks to each other because they're afraid.

rav·ish (rāv'ĭsh) tr.v. rav·ished, rav·ish·ing, rav·ish·es
To seize and carry away by force.
To rape; violate.
To overwhelm with emotion; enrapture

Why do I feel so alone?

What's keeping me alive?

I hate making entries so cryptic, but I really don't know what else to say. My thoughts are broken up, and what you read, is exactly what's running through my soul. It doesn't really make sense there either.

des·o·late /adj. ˈdɛsəlɪt; v. ˈdɛsəˌleɪt/ [adj. des-uh-lit; v. des-uh-leyt] adjective, verb, -lat·ed, -lat·ing. –adjective

1.barren or laid waste; devastated: a treeless, desolate landscape.
2.deprived or destitute of inhabitants; deserted; uninhabited.
3.solitary; lonely: a desolate place.
4.having the feeling of being abandoned by friends or by hope; forlorn.
5.dreary; dismal; gloomy: desolate prospects. –verb (used with object)
6.to lay waste; devastate.
7.to deprive of inhabitants; depopulate.
8.to make disconsolate.
9.to forsake or abandon.

Something is happening to me that I don't understand.

It killed me when she came in and said we would get up at 5AM to leave for Hell so I could get there in time for my 10:30 class. I feel like I've been so abused in this place, and yet we still have to suffer so I can return.

The last of my soul is being eaten away.

Every solution and explanation I've received is wrong.

The one thing I thought would help did the opposite. All I wanted with to sit with someone I loved and cry and drone on about how much I'm hurting. It made things worse it seems though. Now the daily atmosphere is even more broken.

It's over.

Even being so torn apart, I'm still expected to live normally, because society won't accept anything else. Even though I'm dying, I am expected to act as though eveything is alright. An insane person, if not in an instituion, or labeled, "INSANE", must live life normally, constantly pretending everything is alright, because society won't tolerate anything else.

Home isn't even safe anymore. Something isn't right.

I don't want this to be happening. More than anything, I don't want to look back and see what I waste this was, and how this stupid experience destroyed me. I don't want this in my history. When people look back to who I was, I don't want them to see this. I don't want to be depressed.

What do I want?

I don't know. I don't know what can fix this.

Right now, I want to never go back to college again. I want to quit. But I know I can't. Why, even? I don't know, I just can't. If I quit school now, the rest of my life would be destroyed.

Well, I guess it's not doing so good right now anyway.

If I quit school, I would always feel like I missed out on getting an "education" and experiencing things. I would also have a pile of people mad at me forever. It would haunt me.

But... I want to die. I wonder which is worse?

I know it wouldn't solve this "problem" anyway. Nothing will anymore.

There's nothing I can do, and there's nothing anyone else can do either. When I told that to mom last night, she was just silent. It's true.

There isn't even anything imaginary that would help. It's not like I desperately want to travel somewhere, or that I wish I could have five elephants, or a million dollars. Nothing. There's absolutly nothing.

Time will help.

How can it? What am I waiting for? Until the day comes where I actually just run away somewhere? Until I kill myself? Until someone accepts that I'm really going crazy?

To the best of my knowledge, I'm going to outline some stuff that sucks.
1. Highschool days (they weren't always bad, mostly just when that jerk babygirl screamed at me and spit on me)
2.Sick and depressed forever (from about 2004 to early 2007)
3.Mom sick forever (I thought she was going to die. She did too 2004 to early 2007)
4.Sandy dies
5.Wart dies
6.ET dies
7.Cami dies
8.Grandpa dies
9.College stress
10.Some friend problems
11.Roommate from Hell
12.Moving
13.Car accident
14.Sudden depression

It's like everything is just hitting me all at once. More so towards the end. I can't handle this anymore. I'm in Hell, and no one will let me out.

I'm really scared. I feel like my brain is deteriorating. My heart is always beating fast. I don't want this to happen. I'm so scared.

The Rain Never Stops

"Do you know the heart? Do you that it can be destroyed? You can make it go away .You can make it shrivel up and die" -The Czars

This is it. I'm done for. This is the end of things.

That's all I can image. I'm so lost now. I'm so lonely. I cry alone every night, wondering what happened to me. Something has changed me, and I hate it. I can't live like this. I just want to die.

She's so sad. That's too bad.

The only bits of my sadness you know of is the taste I give you through transparent words, telling you things you can't imagine anyway. The utter loneliness I have, I can't even tell you.

There's nothing left that is happy here. I can't see it. "The girl who lost her smile"

Everything is a mess now, and I don't want to be here. Everyday is a tragedy, and I can't do that anymore.

I get worried about things that I know are unreasonable. I'm scared that people I love are going to die all of a sudden. I get feelings like something terrible is coming. There is an axe that hangs over me at all times, waiting. I want to be comforted so bad, but there's no one who will, or can. No one can help me.

Sometimes I stop breathing without notice.

This life has been permanently damaged.

I'm empty. You've scrapped out the last of my peace from my soul. I've been totally torn apart, and I don't think things will ever be the same.

I feel like a mental case. I thought I could be something, but now, instead, I'm just a crazy fool that can't function in a regular society. They'll have to just keep my in a cozy room where nothing bad can happen to me. They'll lie to me to make me believe everything is alright. They'll tell me sweet things like, "You can do it," and make me believe life is really worth living.

When something is shattered, you can never find all the peices. Instead, you just put up with having emptiness or a cracked surface, or you just throw it away.

I'm done with this. I quit. I give up now. Isn't that enough? I'm so scared.

I don't know what else I can say. I've dried up completely.

This is all I have left.

I can't go back.

Be Back Someday

All I want to say is, I'll be back someday.

A broken smile

I'm at a point where I hate myself and others.

Nothing gives me pleasure anymore. I am broken. I am lost.

Everything is just broken apart.

It has been this way for a while. My smiles and giggles are just bubbles of a life I once had, the last of it escaping.

I'm going absolutely mad.

I don't want this girl to be me anymore.

Do I ask too much? Or too little?

Nothing left to hold on to. Meaningless.

This world I live in is just a real mess, and I don't think I want to be here anymore.

I guess I don't have any choices though...

That's it.

Writing poetry
Or something of the sort
In a dark room
That shuts off the world
Imaging a Sky
I knew long ago
When things were the way
They were supposed to be