Less Crying, More Stress

Wow, this week has been really awful. Or was it last week? Both?

Finally, I've stopped crying. Hopefully, next time I'll remember that praying helps and should be used as a first resort, not a last. Still, I didn't get to talk with my mom much. We did a little one night, but it sort of turned into an arguement. Then yesterday, on the way back from the dentist, I got to tell her a little bit about things that have been bothering me.

As sort of a rebutle concerning my last post, I'd like to say that my mom really cares about me. For now, things are just really dark around here, and I don't think she can handle everything. It's really my own fault for keeping these things to myself anyway.

Now that I finally can write without raging emotions, you'd think I could start getting back into writing about older things, like the list I made oh so long ago. Instead, all I can think about right now is the huge pressure I'm under, and the collapse of my family life.

Last night Nina chewed her stitches out. She had just gotten back from getting fixed at the vet. We didn't notice until around 11 PM. Well, living in a tiny town means no emergency vets. I really would rather not relive the moment. It was truely terrible. Kristi... well... gets hysterical. If she was just upset, I don't think it would have been as devastating as it was. Instead, she started yelling at me and mom. It seems that everytime something happens, she jumps right into the middle, blaming everyone else about the problem and then whining about why she is doing something about it.

Well, that's what happened last night. Not being about to listen to another word from her swearing mouth, I escaped to my room. She obviously didn't notice, or care.

That's all for now. The physical symptoms of this saga are getting to me. The stress is making me naseaus and drained, so I'm going to just sit around for a while.


-Lisa

2:19-3:13 and I'm Alone Again

I want this to stop. I just want this end of this. I hate this. There's no where for me. Normally, I wouldn't write here this often and about stupid crying fits, but I just really have nothing else right now.

The only person who has ever understood me in a time like this has been my mom. She's always been ready to stand by me and help me to move on. But things are different now. Now she's always working. I wait for her all day, and when the time comes when the car light finally shine through the windows, I try not to care because I don't want to overwhelm her when she just wants to come home and rest. That's what happens too. She comes home and says hi, does some busy work, and then goes to bed. Then another long period of waiting to see her again begins.

I want so badly to talk to her. I want to tell her about this awfuls feelings I've had, how I can't even function properly. I want her to sit with me and hold me while I'm crying. I want her to have the time and energy to take care of me.

That's what stops me. I know how draining it can be to tend to someone who is miserable. You just don't want to know what the problem is, and you don't want to have to be involved, because it's stressful to you. She has other things to do than to try to convince a hopeless girl to stop crying and move on with life. She's had to do that more than enough. Frankly, she doesn't have the energy for it.

I feel like she's divorced from me. She has a completely different life from me. She's in her "other life" more than this one that she's always had with me. It's the "other life" that she always talks about, but that is something I can't share with her. Although I still see her sometimes, and we can still have fun together, we don't feel together anymore.

Maybe that's a little drastic. I don't know. For now, we aren't connected. That's all I can say.

I remember year ago when someone was feeling down, I was devastated. I wanted nothing more for them to be happy, even a complete stranger. I constantly stewed and prayed for people who weren't even that upset about something. I bought them things, hoping to lift them up. I just wanted them to feel better more than anything else in this world.

I wonder if anyone can feel this way for me? Can someone lay awake knowing I must still be awake also and worry hopelessly because I'm upset? Can anyone care for me?

There's no one else I can talk to about this. Nor is there anyone who can help me through this or make me feel better. Friends say to call when I'm feeling down, but what can they do about it? They don't know me well enough to understand my heart. After the phone call ends and they can't offer advice, they'll say, "poor girl" and move on with their own lives, because it's annoying to try to deal with a crying girl. That's it. All I have left are words on a page that can't offer me help. Words. Words. Is that what it has come to?

Right now, I'm so confused. For one thing, my mind has been so bajangled(a feeling that I made up just now) that I haven't been paying any attention to God. It's always when you need Him the most that you turn away. He said He would always be there for His children, so I'm wondering why I still feel so terrible. I know that being a Christian doesn't mean life will be easy. You still go through all of the same trials any other person has, but I guess I was just expecting that when I felt so horribly alone, He would comfort me. What am I doing wrong? When I finally get a little sense in my head, I ask, "Lord, please be with me. Hug me. You're the only one left for me. Please, help me." I don't know what's going on. I can't understand anything. Why is this happening, and why do I still feel so alone?

Mom, I want to talk to you so bad. Why can't you see through this mist I'm in?

It's not her fault. I have a barrier up, that even I can't get through. I guess I'm just waiting until she sees through the wall, or until I explode.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

-Lisa

The Sleepless, The Stressed, The Uncombed Hair

I can't sleep. While yesterday and the day before that, I didn't feel so bad, tonight is the epitome of saddness. I feel sick because of intense and incessant tears. My eyes sting. My face is swollen. I can't do this anymore.

Someday, I'll have to move on from this rut. Eventually, I'll have to get into some kind of routine so I can study and focus on school. Eventually, classes and work will rule me again.

This evening I got a surprise phone call from my new roommate. The call consisted mostly of her half talking to her best friend about how weird she is, how she finds my last name intriguing, and asking if I do drugs.

This is the point where I began my relapse. Sorrow is always more vivid in the evening when no one is around for comfort.

I'm the child who wants to call home because she's afraid to stay the night at a friend's house. The good friend is suddenly seen as a cold and useless figure, and all I want is to be home. I'm lonely and scared.

How will I even sleep tonight? I just want to be away for what little hours I can be from this horrendously concious mind.

How will I escape?

Cheerless, Dejected, Depressed

Something is wrong. I just haven't felt like myself at all lately. When I'm alone I can't stop crying. When I happen to be around someone, it's like I'm not really there. My soul is separated.


Main Entry: sad
Part of Speech: adjective 1
Definition: unhappy
Synonyms: bereaved, bitter, blue, cheerless, dejected, depressed, despairing, despondent, disconsolate, dismal, distressed, doleful, down, downcast, forlorn, gloomy, glum, grief-stricken, grieved, heartbroken, heartsick, heavy-hearted, hurting, in doldrums*, in grief, languishing, low, low-spirited, lugubrious, melancholy, morbid, morose, mournful, pensive, pessimistic, somber, sorrowful, sorry, troubled, weeping, wistful, woebegone
Antonyms: cheerful, happy


Tension keeps building up, even now. Dad's complaining about the house being messy, about how things aren't just the way he wants them. Kristi is always yelling at the dog about something and whining about the new cat, trying to abandon her responsibilities to it. Mom's never around anymore...

Since I'm relatively calm today, I'm going to try to figure out what exactly is going on. I have somewhat of an idea, but I think it would help to try to sort it out in writing.

For one thing, I have a headache all the time. This is the kind of headache that you don't take notice of, but it's still painful. When it comes and goes, I don't pay any attention, but sometimes I'll find myself hold my head or neck because of the pain. It keeps moving around too. Sometimes it's right above my ears, and sometimes it's at the back of my head, near my neck. Once in a while I get random aches too, in my fingers, or legs. Occasionally I get a sore throat, but I think that's from the heating system we have here.

Other than that, physically, I don't feel so bad. That's somewhat of a change, isn't it?

Mom knew I was feeling down and said that when she got home from work we'd play Pictionary. Nothing became of that. We were supposed to bake together yesterday. Well, she ended up having to go to work. Last night she said she would stay up all night with me. I played video games and she fell asleep on the couch.

I guess....

I don't know. I feel way worse than just lonely. I'm crying over everything. Part of it is missing my mom. For some reason I can't just tell her that though. When she finally comes around, I just close up. Every night when she gets home, she just eats and goes to bed. Tonight she had to go out somewhere and asked if I could make her some tea when she got back. Well, she got home and went to bed.

It's hard to even think right now. My mind is so empty.

My mom called from work today and talked to Kristi. She told her I should get out of the house. Because of my discussion with her a few days ago about me being bored, she thinks I'm feeling blue because I have nothing to do.

Boredom could be part of it. But, getting out of the house for a couple hours isn't going to "cure" me.

That's just it. Whenever something is wrong, people just want to fix me. It's too much of a bother to just sit with me and listen or just let me cry as they hold me... Instead it's, "Well, do this and then you'll be fine".

At this point, I'm just a burden. "Oh, Lisa's grumpy again." or, "Great, she's in one of her moods. Just leave her alone and she'll get over it eventually." I know it isn't quite like that, because that just sounds terribly cold.

I want someone...to ask me... if I'm okay. I'll say I'm fine, of course. Women do that. The shell of me doesn't want anyone to get into my soul, but my soul desperately wants to come out of this stupid shadow it hides behind.


Main Entry: free
Part of Speech: adjective 2
Definition: unrestrained
Synonyms: able, allowed, at large, at liberty, break loose, casual, clear, cut loose*, disengaged, easy, escaped, familiar, fancy-free*, fly kites, footloose*, forward, frank, free-spirited, free-wheeling, get down, independent, informal, lax, liberal, liberated, loose, open, permitted, relaxed, unattached, uncommitted, unconfined, unconstrained, unengaged, unfettered, unhampered, unimpeded, unobstructed, unregulated, unrestricted, untrammeled
Antonyms: restrained, restricted



This sucks.

I've said this before, and it's still true. Won't someone understand that there is something ligitimately wrong? Can someone accept that there is something in me that has been disrupted, and needs a cure? Not medicine, or "time". I'm lonely, and I need someone. I just need someone. Don't drop hints of "I care about you, but I'm going to act like nothing is wrong and hope you get over this". Tell me you love me, that you know something is going on, and that you want more than anything for me to be my happy self again.

I'm in real bad shape right now. I just can't even function. There, I got half way without crying.

Everday I wake up, I sob, I waste away the day until evening comes and I convince myself I should try to sleep. I can't sleep, so I just lay there until somehow I go unconcious. The cat cries endlessly a few hours after that, then the phone rings in the early morning. Then I get up and do it again.





---

I started reading Flame of Recca on onemanga.com. I don't really like it. The anime was wonderful, and I watched it over and over. The characters portrayed in the manga seem rather dull to me. The drawing style isn't something I care for either. Take a look at this page...

http://img16.onemanga.com/mangas/00000176/00000002/12.jpg

The girl just looks really weird to me. It's like her body isn't really connected.

---


Memory 008 - Black for unsure

I said I feel unsure about this, because it's kind of sad, but not really a huge deal. So, I don't really know.

When I was young, I used to live in the bedroom right next to my parent's room. Well, to get to their room you have to go through another. We used to call it the train room because Asher had a big train set in there when he was a kid. It was on a huge table that took up more of the room. I guess it's more like a very short hallway.

At night, when I couldn't sleep, I would lay outside the room and whimper, hoping my mom could hear me and come out. I wanted her to know that I was lonely for her, but without going in to wake her up. What do you say to someone who you're waking up? "Hi Mom, I miss you." I was afraid she'd get mad, so I would just lay there.

Did I give up and go back to sleep? Most likely. The memory isn't clear here, but I don't think it matters all that much.

It never worked, by the way.

-Lisa



***
"First of all, it's not the best thing to categorize someone in the depression slot so quickly. Saddness and lack of motivation can come from anything. Just because he is feeling this way, doesn't mean there is something messed up in his head. Often times, these feelings come from your soul, not your head.

Try getting him out of the house to do something he wants to do. If he doesn't want to do anything, just get him in the car and take him to some place you haven't ever been to and do something you think would be fun or pleasant. Just trying a couple things out of the ordinary will help him come out of this shell.

If you are having winter weather there, this is probably part of the reason he is feeling blue. Winter can be long and cold and gloomy.

Try doing things you wouldn't normally do. Have him make tea with you. The good, loose leaf kind(if you don't already). If you don't know how, learn together. Bake a cake and make some crazy decorations with him, even if he just watches. Go for a walk with him and see who can take the most photos of bugs you find along the way.

When a person feels this way, all they want to do is be left alone, but that is the worst thing to have.

I hope he starts feeling better soon. This can be a really hard time : ["

How is it that I could manage to say that, when I'm going through the same thing. Maybe I know the answer to my problem, but... I just can't do it alone.

Bum Day

Well, Happy '08 everybody.

Siiigh....

That sure was boring. In fact, I'm bored. How about you? What are you doing right now? You're trying real hard to find something to read or look at on the net because you don't have anything else you want to do, right?

I know what you mean.

So, what do you want to talk about? When I logged in I had a lot to write about. There were a lot of things I could say, and I was pleased with myself for finally getting around to posting something worth reading. But... I've lot it.

First of all, I suppose I could go in depth about this boredom. Wow, that sounds exciting.

Oh wait, before that, I suppose I should tell you that Christmas went alright. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits all week, and we just relaxed and had some fun. We did a little baking a played some bored games (YAY!). Now we're back to ... hm, whatever we regularly do.

Okay, being bored. I can already see this spinning into a long story about being dissatisfied with myself. I'm not entirely bored out of my mind though. No, there are plently of things I could do, and I would be perfectly content, but lately, especially today, I want more than that. Right now, I want to travel. I've narrowed it down to, I want to travel to somewhere where something is happening, some kind of event or festival, and I want to take photos.

Well, I've been home from college for a while now, and it's been so nice to be able to just relax. When we get just a week off, it's hard because everyday I feel like I need to do something significant(usually studying) otherwise, I'm just wasting time. Which, I am. Right now, that is. But it's relaxing. But, now I want to get out of the house and do something fun.

The problem is.... there is pretty much nothing to do in the northcountry. In Syracuse, there are a couple more options. There are places that have been left unexplored. I can't say that it's very exciting there, but it does have quite a bit more to offer, is some respects, than themiddleofnowhere-land.

All night I've been trying to find somewhere to go with my mom before I have to go back to college. I want to at least do something before going back to being alone. When I first got to Syracuse, I started out searching the web for places nearby that I would be interested in. That's how I found out about Roji's, Han's, and the Heroes Expo. All have been great fun, so I thought I could do the same here. I though, since we've lived here forever, we've always just assumed that we've seen it all. But I didn't believe it.

That is, until I looked.

Yep. There's nothing in the northcountry.

There are resturaunts, a couple places to shop, and...er... what was the last one?

So, I guess I'll just be sitting around some more. I'll find something to do on my own, like I was going to do in the first place. I just really wanted to get out for a while....

Ugh, I thought I would just write forever tonight, but it's already 1:00. I'm actually tired tonight too, so I should probably go to sleep.

Siiiigh...
Hiroto hasn't written to me in forever. Since June 22nd. I'm lonely. I have lots more to say later. Maybe tomorrow I'll try again.

-Lisa

Merry Christmas Eve

Ah, sorry, but this Christmas-y entry won't be very cheery. Actually, I'm just stopping in to say, things aren't going so well. Before I start whining, you should know that I have another entry in the works about some TKD events, so just be patient. I'll get it up soon.

I guess it's normal to feel this way around Christmas time for some people. I feel lonely, a little trapped, and... some other things that I don't know how to describe. I had hoped to have a pleasant vacation from school and a nice Christmas. Hmm... I'm not devastated about anything, it's just a lingering weirdness.

Could it just be change? Age, maybe? We you're young, Christmas is always too far away. I don't think it is so much the gifts, but more of being around family and being excited and happy. Now that everyone is older now... maybe, we feel like we can't be excited about anything because we're too old. I know that isn't really right, but I don't know how else to explain it.

Asher and Erika aren't coming home. I didn't think that would bother me too much, seeing as how when they're home, I get lost behind them, but I suppose that is probably most of the reason why I feel so lonely.

I'm stressed out over Shojo Explosion. Eugh... I don't want to go into that tonight. All I can say for now is, will someone join, please? Someone who, in all honesty, wants to?

I have a headache. So-in-so is driving me crazy. Ugh, animals.

I have to tell you though, I don't feel as bad as I usually do when I come home. The fact that this is a special holiday must just make me feel worse.

Where was I going with this again?

Lots of thoughts are just piling up right now, and I'm getting a little overwhelmed. Life just isn't exactly enjoyable right now. It seems I'm the only one who thinks so too. I don't know what I'm going to do. For now, I just want to sleep.

-Lisa

A Feeling

These past two days have been quite refreshing, especially after having such terrible weeks before that. You see, even though I should be going out of my mind over finals, since I have World Civ and Japanese on Monday, somehow I've kept my wits about me. I wonder if something it wrong. Maybe I'm not thinking about it as much as I should. It's 12:20 Sunday morning, and yet, I still have so much to get done before monday. Hmm... Why aren't I going crazy? How is this ever going to get done?

Which is why I have to keep this post fairly short. I still have several pages of Japanese homework to complete, several vocab to study as well as figuring out some work structures, and two essays to write for World Civ.

Okay, here is the problem with instant messangers... Whenever you're trying to do something, someone comes on that just won't stop talking to you. Now I can't remember what I was doing. Was I making a point here?

That's it. Next time, I'm closing this application when I'm blogging.

Alright, what I want to do is make a list of things I need to talk about later (again). I'll have three days to just sit around this week, so I might be able to do something productive. Okay, here goes, before I forget again...

1.Elaborate on previous post (family issues, communication etc)
2.My take on college
3.New church and friends
4.Ari time
5.TKD Updates
6.Plans for next semester
7.Shojo Explosion updates (New member!)
8.Boys!?
9.Morning Musume personal updates

Whew, it might take a while to cover all of that. Although I really want to talk about it now, I really don't have time. I do have to say something though before I lose the feeling...

Tae Kwon Do has been.... hard. A lot of things have happened over the past couple of months, and although I know I just couldn't stop bragging about how great it was (and still is!) a lot of things have changed since then. I'll have to tell you more about that later, but for now, just realize that I haven't been to classes for a very long time.

TKD testing was today, and I really wanted to see some people again and show support for the members, so I went and took Ari with me. I'll go into the details of the test later, but for now we'll skip to the end. After the testing, we were going to explore the building a bit, so we just shot out of there pretty quick. But I couldn't leave without seeing the Master first.

I've said it before, and I can't say it enough. I love that man.

Well, I have to make this short, but before we left, the Master gave me a long hug, something I don't usually like to accept. It wasn't just "Oh, hi", it was "I've missed you". About two weeks ago I wrote him a letter (which I will elaborate on later) about why I haven't been going to classes. He said he got my letter (something I was very happy about. For one, I wasn't sure if he had received it or read it, and two, usually people don't directly acknowledge my letters, especially this kind) and also tried to reassure me that I was a good martial artist and that I should come in whenever I get the chance. I was a little surprised because most people would say, "Don't worry about it. You don't have to come" but he seemed like he really wanted me there. He was trying to convince me to come back.

Wow.

At the end of the conversation we were getting ready to head out again, and he gave me another hug. This time it was one of those half hugs to say something like, "We're friends".

I don't know what's going to happen now. But I just wanted to get those feelings down before they left.

Thanks, Master. You encourage me so much. :]

That's all for now. Once things start calming down, I'll start throwing down mountains of memories again. I have a couple in mind already!

-Lisa