Something is wrong. I just haven't felt like myself at all lately. When I'm alone I can't stop crying. When I happen to be around someone, it's like I'm not really there. My soul is separated.
Main Entry: sad
Part of Speech: adjective 1
Definition: unhappy
Synonyms: bereaved, bitter, blue, cheerless, dejected, depressed, despairing, despondent, disconsolate, dismal, distressed, doleful, down, downcast, forlorn, gloomy, glum, grief-stricken, grieved, heartbroken, heartsick, heavy-hearted, hurting, in doldrums*, in grief, languishing, low, low-spirited, lugubrious, melancholy, morbid, morose, mournful, pensive, pessimistic, somber, sorrowful, sorry, troubled, weeping, wistful, woebegone
Antonyms: cheerful, happy
Tension keeps building up, even now. Dad's complaining about the house being messy, about how things aren't just the way he wants them. Kristi is always yelling at the dog about something and whining about the new cat, trying to abandon her responsibilities to it. Mom's never around anymore...
Since I'm relatively calm today, I'm going to try to figure out what exactly is going on. I have somewhat of an idea, but I think it would help to try to sort it out in writing.
For one thing, I have a headache all the time. This is the kind of headache that you don't take notice of, but it's still painful. When it comes and goes, I don't pay any attention, but sometimes I'll find myself hold my head or neck because of the pain. It keeps moving around too. Sometimes it's right above my ears, and sometimes it's at the back of my head, near my neck. Once in a while I get random aches too, in my fingers, or legs. Occasionally I get a sore throat, but I think that's from the heating system we have here.
Other than that, physically, I don't feel so bad. That's somewhat of a change, isn't it?
Mom knew I was feeling down and said that when she got home from work we'd play Pictionary. Nothing became of that. We were supposed to bake together yesterday. Well, she ended up having to go to work. Last night she said she would stay up all night with me. I played video games and she fell asleep on the couch.
I guess....
I don't know. I feel way worse than just lonely. I'm crying over everything. Part of it is missing my mom. For some reason I can't just tell her that though. When she finally comes around, I just close up. Every night when she gets home, she just eats and goes to bed. Tonight she had to go out somewhere and asked if I could make her some tea when she got back. Well, she got home and went to bed.
It's hard to even think right now. My mind is so empty.
My mom called from work today and talked to Kristi. She told her I should get out of the house. Because of my discussion with her a few days ago about me being bored, she thinks I'm feeling blue because I have nothing to do.
Boredom could be part of it. But, getting out of the house for a couple hours isn't going to "cure" me.
That's just it. Whenever something is wrong, people just want to fix me. It's too much of a bother to just sit with me and listen or just let me cry as they hold me... Instead it's, "Well, do this and then you'll be fine".
At this point, I'm just a burden. "Oh, Lisa's grumpy again." or, "Great, she's in one of her moods. Just leave her alone and she'll get over it eventually." I know it isn't quite like that, because that just sounds terribly cold.
I want someone...to ask me... if I'm okay. I'll say I'm fine, of course. Women do that. The shell of me doesn't want anyone to get into my soul, but my soul desperately wants to come out of this stupid shadow it hides behind.
Main Entry: free
Part of Speech: adjective 2
Definition: unrestrained
Synonyms: able, allowed, at large, at liberty, break loose, casual, clear, cut loose*, disengaged, easy, escaped, familiar, fancy-free*, fly kites, footloose*, forward, frank, free-spirited, free-wheeling, get down, independent, informal, lax, liberal, liberated, loose, open, permitted, relaxed, unattached, uncommitted, unconfined, unconstrained, unengaged, unfettered, unhampered, unimpeded, unobstructed, unregulated, unrestricted, untrammeled
Antonyms: restrained, restricted
This sucks.
I've said this before, and it's still true. Won't someone understand that there is something ligitimately wrong? Can someone accept that there is something in me that has been disrupted, and needs a cure? Not medicine, or "time". I'm lonely, and I need someone. I just need someone. Don't drop hints of "I care about you, but I'm going to act like nothing is wrong and hope you get over this". Tell me you love me, that you know something is going on, and that you want more than anything for me to be my happy self again.
I'm in real bad shape right now. I just can't even function. There, I got half way without crying.
Everday I wake up, I sob, I waste away the day until evening comes and I convince myself I should try to sleep. I can't sleep, so I just lay there until somehow I go unconcious. The cat cries endlessly a few hours after that, then the phone rings in the early morning. Then I get up and do it again.
---
I started reading Flame of Recca on onemanga.com. I don't really like it. The anime was wonderful, and I watched it over and over. The characters portrayed in the manga seem rather dull to me. The drawing style isn't something I care for either. Take a look at this page...
http://img16.onemanga.com/mangas/00000176/00000002/12.jpg
The girl just looks really weird to me. It's like her body isn't really connected.
---
Memory 008 - Black for unsure
I said I feel unsure about this, because it's kind of sad, but not really a huge deal. So, I don't really know.
When I was young, I used to live in the bedroom right next to my parent's room. Well, to get to their room you have to go through another. We used to call it the train room because Asher had a big train set in there when he was a kid. It was on a huge table that took up more of the room. I guess it's more like a very short hallway.
At night, when I couldn't sleep, I would lay outside the room and whimper, hoping my mom could hear me and come out. I wanted her to know that I was lonely for her, but without going in to wake her up. What do you say to someone who you're waking up? "Hi Mom, I miss you." I was afraid she'd get mad, so I would just lay there.
Did I give up and go back to sleep? Most likely. The memory isn't clear here, but I don't think it matters all that much.
It never worked, by the way.
-Lisa
***
"First of all, it's not the best thing to categorize someone in the depression slot so quickly. Saddness and lack of motivation can come from anything. Just because he is feeling this way, doesn't mean there is something messed up in his head. Often times, these feelings come from your soul, not your head.
Try getting him out of the house to do something he wants to do. If he doesn't want to do anything, just get him in the car and take him to some place you haven't ever been to and do something you think would be fun or pleasant. Just trying a couple things out of the ordinary will help him come out of this shell.
If you are having winter weather there, this is probably part of the reason he is feeling blue. Winter can be long and cold and gloomy.
Try doing things you wouldn't normally do. Have him make tea with you. The good, loose leaf kind(if you don't already). If you don't know how, learn together. Bake a cake and make some crazy decorations with him, even if he just watches. Go for a walk with him and see who can take the most photos of bugs you find along the way.
When a person feels this way, all they want to do is be left alone, but that is the worst thing to have.
I hope he starts feeling better soon. This can be a really hard time : ["
How is it that I could manage to say that, when I'm going through the same thing. Maybe I know the answer to my problem, but... I just can't do it alone.
Cheerless, Dejected, Depressed
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 6:29 PM
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