I want this to stop. I just want this end of this. I hate this. There's no where for me. Normally, I wouldn't write here this often and about stupid crying fits, but I just really have nothing else right now.
The only person who has ever understood me in a time like this has been my mom. She's always been ready to stand by me and help me to move on. But things are different now. Now she's always working. I wait for her all day, and when the time comes when the car light finally shine through the windows, I try not to care because I don't want to overwhelm her when she just wants to come home and rest. That's what happens too. She comes home and says hi, does some busy work, and then goes to bed. Then another long period of waiting to see her again begins.
I want so badly to talk to her. I want to tell her about this awfuls feelings I've had, how I can't even function properly. I want her to sit with me and hold me while I'm crying. I want her to have the time and energy to take care of me.
That's what stops me. I know how draining it can be to tend to someone who is miserable. You just don't want to know what the problem is, and you don't want to have to be involved, because it's stressful to you. She has other things to do than to try to convince a hopeless girl to stop crying and move on with life. She's had to do that more than enough. Frankly, she doesn't have the energy for it.
I feel like she's divorced from me. She has a completely different life from me. She's in her "other life" more than this one that she's always had with me. It's the "other life" that she always talks about, but that is something I can't share with her. Although I still see her sometimes, and we can still have fun together, we don't feel together anymore.
Maybe that's a little drastic. I don't know. For now, we aren't connected. That's all I can say.
I remember year ago when someone was feeling down, I was devastated. I wanted nothing more for them to be happy, even a complete stranger. I constantly stewed and prayed for people who weren't even that upset about something. I bought them things, hoping to lift them up. I just wanted them to feel better more than anything else in this world.
I wonder if anyone can feel this way for me? Can someone lay awake knowing I must still be awake also and worry hopelessly because I'm upset? Can anyone care for me?
There's no one else I can talk to about this. Nor is there anyone who can help me through this or make me feel better. Friends say to call when I'm feeling down, but what can they do about it? They don't know me well enough to understand my heart. After the phone call ends and they can't offer advice, they'll say, "poor girl" and move on with their own lives, because it's annoying to try to deal with a crying girl. That's it. All I have left are words on a page that can't offer me help. Words. Words. Is that what it has come to?
Right now, I'm so confused. For one thing, my mind has been so bajangled(a feeling that I made up just now) that I haven't been paying any attention to God. It's always when you need Him the most that you turn away. He said He would always be there for His children, so I'm wondering why I still feel so terrible. I know that being a Christian doesn't mean life will be easy. You still go through all of the same trials any other person has, but I guess I was just expecting that when I felt so horribly alone, He would comfort me. What am I doing wrong? When I finally get a little sense in my head, I ask, "Lord, please be with me. Hug me. You're the only one left for me. Please, help me." I don't know what's going on. I can't understand anything. Why is this happening, and why do I still feel so alone?
Mom, I want to talk to you so bad. Why can't you see through this mist I'm in?
It's not her fault. I have a barrier up, that even I can't get through. I guess I'm just waiting until she sees through the wall, or until I explode.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
-Lisa
2:19-3:13 and I'm Alone Again
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 2:18 AM
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