Tense. That's how I am today. I don't really feel like myself, and I don't like that at all. For now, I think I just need to write. Not particularly about anything specific, but just to keep typing and producing words.
I really wanted to write on paper, but for now, I don't have that luxury. Writing fiction has come back with a new beginning for me. Although, I haven't suddenly become active again, the desire has returned.
The basement, or dungeon, is an eerie, cold place. A place where delinquents escape the real world to drink their beer, ignore society, and live for a moment in a place they call Pretend(whether they know it or not).
I enjoy it here. Mostly, anyway. It holds good and bad memories. It's become a second home to me, actually. This is my kitchen. Kristi and I have only been here for about a day, and already I feel like I'm tending to my home. That feels nice.
For a while, I was empty. A robot. The days would go by, and I stopped bothering to count them. I lived in a gray world. But, slowly, color came back into the world, and I began to live again. I started writing down ideas again, and, even in its smallest proportion, I cared. Life started filling me up again.
So, what had happened to me? Now, I'm tense, and I want to be empty again.
I don't know what's going on. I can't form any words in my head, or come up with any sort of hypothesis on what my soul is doing. My chest tightens up and needles shoot into my abdomen sometimes. Dizzy... For a little while, I just want to be alone. To think? Maybe. But, maybe just to be empty too.
Part of me knows where it belongs. The other, doesn't. I'm becoming more content with where I am though. Home is good. I like it there. But it's a little lonely sometimes. Not because no one is around, or doesn't want to listen to me. Home is quite the opposite. Hmm...
Here, although I don't really have a permanent place to say is mine, I've adopted places in a way. The dungeon, for one. The balcony of the PAC. Again, these places are lonely, but they're mine, and I'm happy with that.
I can't think clearly. I don't want to think at all, but I can't help it. It's the only things that helps anyway. Thinking, pondering, considering. I wish it was warm out, like it was last night. I'd go for a walk, or lay in the grass and leave my soul vacant.
I need to be blunt with myself. At least I've started to learn that. Otherwise, I just keep going in circles. Alone, though. Lately, I realized that when I try to write something down, or tell someone, I try to cover myself. To prove something, with evidence. To make sure that whoever I am presenting this to will fully understand. But now, I need to just think about it alone, where I'm not worrying about who will understand.
Sometime this week, I hope we can go to the Funk 'N Waffle. I'm terrible with figuring out bus schedules, though. It might be more trouble than it's worth, but even so, I like it there. It's a good place for casual chatting.
A disconnection. That's what I want right now. To not have ties, and be able to just escape on my own. I want to travel and not tell anyone where I'm going. That isn't possible though, is it...
---
More specifically, this week is going to be nice, but frustrating too. Being here, but not being able to easily get places makes me feel so restricted. The semester was somewhat like this too because I didn't have a car. Now, there is a car, but it can barely be used. Instead, we're trying to take buses, walk if we can, and get rides from other people. This is complicated and annoying. It's even more painful to be closer to what you want, and still not be able to reach it.
-Lisa - she's scared.
Unknown - Disconnected
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 12:55 PM
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