These past few days have revived a belief for me in what society likes to call love. An infatuation.
The good part of my bad day was time with a certain person. It's cute because I feel like I'm watching from the outside; two cute kids, too shy to even look each other in the eye. It started not too long ago, but has only recently hit me as wanting to be around him all the time.
That day was filled with a lot of things going wrong. Not necessarily bad, but just wrong. It was that same evening that I took my first photo of my mission, Project Good. I remember him being excited to go eat with us, and that I had invited him, but when we got there, he suddenly looked really blue. That made me sad too. I wanted to hug him. When I asked Andrea later what was wrong with him, she said he felt sick. But you know, I don't think that's true.
Then, in the evening I suddenly had an urge to invite him to have sandwiches with me and Andrea in the basement. I don't entirely know if I was sure of his intentions or mine at the time. I just... I think I wanted to get to know him. It was almost like a desperate act though. As soon as I left the cafeteria I shot a text message at Andrea asking her to invite him to join us. I kept sending nonsense texts too since she didn't reply right away and I was afraid she would miss the message.
He said yes, and girlish excitment bubbled up within me. That night made me happy. At one point, I was laying on the floor and my eyes were closed, and he very gently touched my shoulder and asked if I was alright.
During that time I remember not wanting the moment to end. When we were getting ready to leave, I tried to stall everyone. I didn't want him to leave. Isn't that a silly thought? I quickly suggested that we get together on Saturday for video games. I can't remember if he just didn't hear me, or didn't think I was talking about him too, or if I just got really shy and didn't direct it towards him. But Andrea and I made plans to do so. As soon as I got back to my room though I sent him a message asking him to join us, and he responded in his cute, polite way saying, "if there is room for me, I would certainly like to join you on Saturday."
And we did. We had a grand time yesterday, or at the very least, I did. We started out playing Resident Evil, which Jim isn't very good at, and he still hadn't showed up. I knew that my day would have been completely shattered if he couldn't come for some reason. I kept watching the door and everytime it opened, I got butterflies in my stomach. About a half and hour later, he entered, and I tried not to look thrilled.
We watched Jim get really confused in RE4 for a while, until he took over and showed us all up. He didn't do it in an arrogant way, which I was pleased with. It was just fun.
Eventually we put in Katamari Damacy, mostly because he had asked about it the night before, and I wanted to show him. He never played until we were just about to turn it off, and I passed the controller towards him. "He hasn't played yet."
During one of the levels, I layed down on the floor with my dog, Frederick, and closed my eyes for a bit. They stung, but that isn't really uncommon. I was sleepy too. After a while he turned the volume down on the TV down a bit, and I heard him ask Andrea if I was alright.
Does he really worry that much about me, or does he do that for everyone? It doesn't really matter. It's sweet.
Then, DDR. It was really cute to see the boys try so hard to step on the right buttons. I played with Andrea on a few challenging songs, and it was a lot of fun. We haven't played together like that in a long time. I eventually started feeling really sick because I pushed myself too much, and wasn't feeling well to begin with. He and Andrea played a few rounds, and he looked so determined to get it right. As soon as one song was done, he immediately moved on to the next.
About the time we quit that, it was 6 o'clock and everyone, especially The Hulk JimJames. We pondered for a bit about what we should get to eat, whether we should walk somewhere or order. He mentioned something about not walking because some people looked too exhausted to move that much (guess which sweaty member he looked at). Eventually, we did decide to walk though, and it was a nice walk. The temperature was perfect.
We ended up going to Friendly's and really had a good time. There isn't much to say about it, just that I sat across from him and was quite content with that. This was probably the most we've ever talked to each other. It wasn't much either, but when our eyes met, which was very rare, it's like we were stuck.
It could have just been me though.
When we left, it was raining outside. I was really too happy to care. In fact, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I half daydreamed and hoped that it would really pour and we'd be drenched when we got back. Then he could look at me and either laugh or feel bad and give me a wet hug. None of that happened, but it was still fun to think about.
Andrea and I made tea for everyone. At first he couldn't decide what kind he wanted.
"Actually, I don't really want-... well, what kind is your favorite?"
I made him the cinnamon tea.
"I did indeed enjoy that tea, it had actually been too long since I'd had good tea like that."
We all got comfortable in my cozy little room(even though it isn't really wonderful, and it was a mess, I was happy to be able to show him a part of me) and watched Sweeny Todd. I could have sat on the other side of JimJames, but I took the risk and sat between the two where there was just enough room for tiny me. I was pleased with this, because when I squealed and covered my eyes at the bloody part, he put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me.
He had to leave somewhere in the middle of the movie, when it was almost 1 AM.
"You have to leave...?"
"...Yeah."
He dashed away into the night.
I feel bad to say to myself, this is going to end quickly, and it's just a crush. You have to have those once in a while. I don't think I've even really felt like this about someone before, and not my mind and my heart are fighting with each other.
Again.
We had some kind of contact about a month ago. Yes, April 1st was when he sent the first message. Although I had sat with him at dinner a couple times, we never really communicated. It was a big group, and not everyone knew each other, so it wasn't so awkward. Hm... now that I think of it, I don't know how her found out my name. I doubt he could have remembered me from our Creative Problems short course. It was only three classes and that was a long time ago. We sat at the same table, but didn't really talk to each other. I remember being impressed though because he was very sincere with his answers and analysis's.
Well, he sent me a message about my deviantart page, which he most likely found on my facebook page(that is where he has been sending me messages). He said he really liked my photography and my videos on youtube.
I like a guy who finds out who I am before approaching me. :]
We've really only talked on facebook since a couple days ago, and it's always been about interesting topics, like, "I read your story and...". Things with substance. Not just, "Hi, wassup lol"
I don't know how it got from the beginning of the month and us not even looking at each other, to it being the beginning of May and me asking him to dinner and to hang out on weekends.
That isn't something I do, either. I kind of can't even believe myself that I am being so open about this. It...is kind of obvious, I think. If not for others, than for us.
This is where my mind starts causing trouble though. He is a very sweet guy, and respectful too. But, that's him, not just towards me. That's good though, because I don't want to be around someone that only acts a certain way around certain people. It is also a reflection of the short story I read by him. It was about a guy and a girl, and the guy was "accidently" flirting with her, so she took it that way. He later had to explain that he didn't mean anything by it, he just thought he was being nice and that they were friends. I worry a little that that is the way we are.
Somehow, I still like to believe it isn't though. Even if I am tricking myself, I'm happy right now.
When I asked him to come to dinner with the "family," he was "looking forward to tomorrow." Then, when I asked him to come play with us on Saturday, he was "eagerly awaiting to see what tomorrow brings."
He even got a little jealous at one point, or just upset. Or at least, that's what my mind is telling me. He mentioned something about another guy who has been leaving me sappy messages and acted like it was wrong. Heehee...
I can't help but see that as a hint.
I was actually lonely last night after he left...
To say it quite frankly, I'm naive. But, I think he is too. Well, maybe not so much naive, but innocent. I'm happy with that.
But, I'm a Christian, and I know he isn't. In fact, he treats Christianity basically the way the rest of the world does. Not in a horribly aggressive way, but just when the topic comes up, there is always something negative and sarcastic to say. It isn't just that, but I know if we even ended up doing something serious, I would have to break it off eventually, and I don't want either of us to be hurt. I wouldn't want that hanging over my head the entire time either.
People change, and I know that. But I don't want to convince myself that it's okay because there is a slight chance he might suddenly understand what Christianity really is, and not what the world makes of it.
I'm already going nuts. It's Sunday, so he isn't on campus. That's lonely. There isn't even a chance of me bumping into him, not that I ever have before. I won't be able to see him tomorrow either because I have work and then class in the evening. I'm this hopeless already. It's kind of cute.
I think for now though, I'll just enjoy the fact that I'm not always going to be alone, and that for once, I can honestly enjoy the company of someone. I can keep my wits about me, and still forever remember this as a moment when I first tasted a bit of love.
But logic broke us.
-Lisa
To Believe Again in Love
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 1:28 PM
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