Lately, a lot of things have been going through my head. I've had to continue thinking about what I should do with my life, where I should go to school for the next three years, where I should live, how to get there, how to survive...
And now, I'm no longer single.
As of Monday, the 12th, actually.
This is something I'm quite ecstatic about, but also terrified of. I'd rather not go into too much detail, because this is actually one of the very few things that I find too personal to write about online. Actually, it may even be the first.
My whole life, I've been waiting for the one guy who would willingly and thoroughly care for me. It was even painful sometimes, because I had become convinced that such a thing could never happen. My parents, especially my dad, have said things like, "She's going to make some guy really happy." I think that's really sweet, don't you? I had hoped so too, but over time, I came to believe that this person I am just wasn't capable of being accepted by anyone in this world. Not because I'm no good, but just because no one would want a girl like me. I'm a complicated girl, you know.
It was more so after a discussion I had with Asher that killed my dreams of love. Everything he said was true, and I'm glad he told me those things, but it lead me to give up. He told me things like, there isn't the "One" that girls always dream of. That's only what society and the media has force fed the public. Whoever you marry is who you chose, not because this person is specifically for you. That doesn't mean you were always "meant" to be together. It also doesn't mean that if your marriage works out perfectly, it was fate, and if you end up hating each other, it's because you made a mistake, or that was also fate. Marriage is something created, and not just something you fall into and let it do whatever it is supposed to do. God does prepare someone for you, but that doesn't mean he's going to be the perfect fit, just for you. He may not be something you expect or think you can handle at all.
(I'm paraphrasing. He didn't say it in these exact words, but this is what I remember myself interpreting it as.)
I completely agree with him. But, I guess when he talked about it, it seemed to me like love was just another trial that people throw themselves into. I know there is a lot of work that goes into it, but I guess I stopped caring at that point.
"I don't believe in love. It's just something society created because it was bored. These people don't really love each other, they just think they do, and they try to keep this lie alive because it's fun, or they think that they have to. I hate love."
As bad as that sounds, I think I grew up at that moment. I stopped waiting. I stopped looking at everyone, hoping that one of them would just jump out at me and say how much they love me. I decided that I could live without someone watching out for me. I could live just fine on my own, and I would. All I wanted at that point was to escape from society, and live alone, keeping my secrets to myself. Even if that really did happen, I think I would still be okay. Somehow, I matured at that point. I was able to leave those little girl dreams behind me, and move on.
And now look at me. Thinking about him all the time, keeping my computer close by in case he sends me a message, grinning everytime someone says his name, staying up into the foggy hours of the night, not even having to talk to him, but being satisfied knowing he's on the other end. Everytime the phone rings my heart starts pounding, even though I'm almost positive it won't be him.
I think that I was finally ready for this. I've told that to a couple people too. If you just keep waiting, thinking about it all the time, nothing is going to happen. If a guy sees you looking, he's either going to think your a baby, or take advantage of you. You need to just live your life, and what he sees, will really be you, not some silly girl who is trying to act a certain way to catch someone. You need to be complete before you can move on.
It makes me think of the choice video game characters have sometime, where they are told they have to sacrifice one of their party members, and end up saying they'll sacrifice themselves. They are completely ready to die, but end up not, and actually are able to move on after that.
Does that make sense?
There are a lot of things to think about. I'm sure that for normal people, you just say, "Hey, let's go out," so you do. You hold hands, hug, kiss, whatever, because that's just what people do what they are dating. If one of your friends, or even your enemies, says something that might hint at making you doubt the other person, the relationship quickly ends.
But, that's so childish. I knew it way back in elementary school too.
We've talked about a lot of things in the few days we've been together. I don't know if anyone else can do this, or if they care, but I'm just so glad that we can talk to each other so easily. For ages, my blog has been the only thing I've ever opened up to completely. This is the very essence of who I am. Things like, "I'll miss you" I could never say to even my closest friend, and now, I can say exactly what I'm thinking to him. I've never been able to do that before, and it makes me happy to know I won't always have to be alone.
Right now though, my heart feels empty, or exhausted. I've spewed out all these thoughts and emotions all at once, and it needs time to refill. For a couple days, and especially last night, I wanted to cry. My heart is so tired, and needs a break. But, I couldn't. For some reason, my eyes won't tear up anymore. I don't particularly want a reason to cry, but when my soul feels this way, not even words can heal.
You can feel bad for me if you want, but I won't be mad at you if you don't. I'm enjoying myself, the person I am now, and I'm happy with where I am. I just need a little time to myself, maybe.
I was actually talking to a "Home Friend" today, and noticed something about how I've changed and other people haven't. A lot of it happened at the end of the semester, after I met him. He made me see things differently. Life in general. Just from things he's said, and his responses to when I complain, has made me start to see things in a better light. I try to live better now. Of course life is going to be dull if you let it. That's why we just need to be content with what we have. That's the only way we'll ever be happy. That's my mentality now, or at least what I'm trying to make it. So far, I've been much happier.
Everything my friend said to me was dim and negative. It wasn't because there was anything particularly bad going on. It's just normal stuff, and I guess she just doesn't care to enjoy herself.
I'm glad I'm not like that anymore. I'm glad I'm okay with living now.
That is why I can say that if something happens, and he and I grow distant, I will never regret these days. No matter what happens, my life has changed, and I could never thank him enough for that.
The things we've been talking about have been good. Good in the sense that we have been able to discuss important topics and get some things settled, and figure out the other person's views. I'm probably trying to figure out things too fast. We haven't known each other terribly long, and there are plenty of more days to be spent talking to each other and just enjoying being together. I know that. But, I'm worried. Not just worried, but scared.
I have knowledge on things like this. I have what I know to be right in my head, and I can realize what I want and keep my wits about me. But, this runs so much deeper than I could have ever imagined. A lot of it is just from seeing other couples. The relationships I've seen are always so shallow, that I couldn't really imagine having to stick up for myself so much. I'd much rather have it this way, than some kind of surface-based "friendship" that we feel we have to carry on with.
Some of it I am completely comfortable with, and other things, I just really hate.
I really hate it.
I don't want to say anything specific, but just in general, there are things we've talked about that I've never had to think about seriously before. Nineteen, and still just a kid. A lot of things are me not being able to understand everything, but still knowing what I belief. It's hard to explain though.
Basically, I'm afraid of losing him because of my beliefs. It isn't so much because I don't want to be hurt. First relationship and all... That's not really it. It might just be my mind getting too creative again, but I'm really afraid of hurting him. He told me some things that night that make me feel like he needs me, possibly even more than I need him. I don't want to mess anything up for either of us, but at the same time, I can't compromise what I believe.
I can admit that I shy away from affection. It has taken me all these nineteen years to be able to hug someone of my own free will. I'm not scared though. It isn't just something I need to, and will get used to over time. Affection has meaning to me, and if I can't see the meaning, or if it is abused, I don't want it. I'm careful, possibly a little afraid, but being afraid isn't what the "problem" is. This is me.
My mom started talking to me like a mom the other day. She's never really had to "discuss" anything so serious with me before, that it was painful. It was then that I realized no matter what vows I had previously made for myself, they can so easily be ignored. That's what scared me. I've never so vividly seen myself going against everything I know.
Just to make it clear, I have no doubt in my mind that I am safe with him. My feelings about myself have changed, and that is where the trouble lies.
Maybe I'm just scaring myself. Convincing myself that I'm weaker than I've always been.
Right now, there is something I want to say quite bluntly, but it wouldn't be appropriate to do so here. I don't know if I could anywhere, except in my head.
This is one of the things I never thought I would get to in my life. I never thought I would live to see eighteen. I never thought I would get to college. Not necessarily because of anything (although being sick all the time did discourage me), but mostly because I just couldn't imagine it. I thought the world would probably end before that, or I'd die of something.
So, it's exciting, actually. I'm enjoying myself through every second of this.
He's bound to get annoyed with me soon. I must be really hard to handle. Normal girls are probably a lot easier to be around because they don't have all of these morals set for themselves. Things must be less complicated. I wonder if I'm still the same girl he thought I was when we were both shot with that feeling.
There are some things to be talked about this week, and it's going to be hard. For now, though, I'm just glad I'm going to get to see him. I wish he could come here and meet my dad. My dad can say things a lot better than me.
---
When he asked me that night, and I said I would, I probably should have asked him if he was really sure he wanted to date me.
But.... I think he would have said yes. :]
---
I'm doing suprisingly well for getting four hours of sleep again. Hopefully my body will either let me sleep longer in the morning, or just adapt to a four hour schedule. I'm pretty much okay with that, as long as it doesn't make me sick or crazy. Midnight, when no one else is awake, I get a little lonely.
---
It has taken me since early this morning to write this entry. I keep getting interrupted, but I don't mind. It has given me a chance to rest my heart and mind a bit, and I've been spending a lot of time today with my dad. Lately, I've wanted to spend a lot of time with him, but haven't known how. He's usually working and when he gets home he's tired, and keeps working. On weekends he's building something, or taking care of the garden. So, today I helped him plant corn. He asked me yesterday if I would, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Usually when I work with him, I just hinder him because I don't know what he wants or what I'm doing. Things were easy today though. I basically just had to walk around while he used the corn planter and checked to make sure things were working properly. He got to tell me how things worked, which I know he enjoys. Whether or not I especially enjoy talking about corn, at least it can be something we share. I hope there will be other things soon.
There are too many words now. I'm done.
I was wondering if you were still awake
And I, I called you up, got scared and hung up
And I'm not sure if I can understand the pain
That held you back, that held you back, oh
Take me away
I feel okay
Come back some other day
Smile, if only for a little while
Please smile, from the start you've played the part
Your smile, I gave you the heart you're tearing apart
Your smile, took me in but it's no friend
Take me away
I feel okay
Come back some other day
-Some Other Day, Flick
-Lisa
Real Me, Real Feelings
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 10:09 AM
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