Something Bittersweet
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Posted by Lisa at 11:04 PM 0 comments
PTS
Sunday, March 9, 2008
I think I just realized I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Taken from the online wikipedia
"Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a traumatic event. When that trauma leads to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, damage may involve physical changes inside the brain and to brain chemistry, which affect the person's ability to cope with stress.
A traumatic event involves a single experience, or an enduring or repeating event or events, that completely overwhelm the individual's ability to cope or integrate the ideas and emotions involved with that experience. The sense of being overwhelmed can be delayed by weeks or years, as the person struggles to cope with the immediate danger. Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are a few common aspects. It usually involves a feeling of complete helplessness in the face of a real or subjective threat to one's life or to that of loved ones, to bodily integrity, or sanity. There is frequently a violation of the person's familiar ideas about the world and of their human rights, putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. This is also seen when people or institutions depended on for survival violate or betray the person in some unforeseen way."
Posted by Lisa at 3:59 PM 0 comments
Desolate
Today feels just like that day not so long ago when I was sick and everyone was mad at me about it.
http://fallenshadows2.blogspot.com/2006/03/notes-in-morning.html
The notes I wrote that morning were all really senseless, but I just needed to write something. That day was so painful because I was still sick, and couldn't help it. Everyone was mad at me for it too and wanted me to just get over it. "It's in your head."
Well, now it really is. I'm going insane, and I don't think anyone believes me. It's another day of me breaking apart, and people are just tired of having to put up with me.
Do they think I'm not tired of it?
Today, while other people are living their lives normally, I've set this whole household into a stale state; a place where no one speaks to each other because they're afraid.
rav·ish (rāv'ĭsh) tr.v. rav·ished, rav·ish·ing, rav·ish·es
To seize and carry away by force.
To rape; violate.
To overwhelm with emotion; enrapture
Why do I feel so alone?
What's keeping me alive?
I hate making entries so cryptic, but I really don't know what else to say. My thoughts are broken up, and what you read, is exactly what's running through my soul. It doesn't really make sense there either.
des·o·late /adj. ˈdɛsəlɪt; v. ˈdɛsəˌleɪt/ [adj. des-uh-lit; v. des-uh-leyt] adjective, verb, -lat·ed, -lat·ing. –adjective
1.barren or laid waste; devastated: a treeless, desolate landscape.
2.deprived or destitute of inhabitants; deserted; uninhabited.
3.solitary; lonely: a desolate place.
4.having the feeling of being abandoned by friends or by hope; forlorn.
5.dreary; dismal; gloomy: desolate prospects. –verb (used with object)
6.to lay waste; devastate.
7.to deprive of inhabitants; depopulate.
8.to make disconsolate.
9.to forsake or abandon.
Something is happening to me that I don't understand.
It killed me when she came in and said we would get up at 5AM to leave for Hell so I could get there in time for my 10:30 class. I feel like I've been so abused in this place, and yet we still have to suffer so I can return.
The last of my soul is being eaten away.
Every solution and explanation I've received is wrong.
The one thing I thought would help did the opposite. All I wanted with to sit with someone I loved and cry and drone on about how much I'm hurting. It made things worse it seems though. Now the daily atmosphere is even more broken.
It's over.
Even being so torn apart, I'm still expected to live normally, because society won't accept anything else. Even though I'm dying, I am expected to act as though eveything is alright. An insane person, if not in an instituion, or labeled, "INSANE", must live life normally, constantly pretending everything is alright, because society won't tolerate anything else.
Home isn't even safe anymore. Something isn't right.
I don't want this to be happening. More than anything, I don't want to look back and see what I waste this was, and how this stupid experience destroyed me. I don't want this in my history. When people look back to who I was, I don't want them to see this. I don't want to be depressed.
What do I want?
I don't know. I don't know what can fix this.
Right now, I want to never go back to college again. I want to quit. But I know I can't. Why, even? I don't know, I just can't. If I quit school now, the rest of my life would be destroyed.
Well, I guess it's not doing so good right now anyway.
If I quit school, I would always feel like I missed out on getting an "education" and experiencing things. I would also have a pile of people mad at me forever. It would haunt me.
But... I want to die. I wonder which is worse?
I know it wouldn't solve this "problem" anyway. Nothing will anymore.
There's nothing I can do, and there's nothing anyone else can do either. When I told that to mom last night, she was just silent. It's true.
There isn't even anything imaginary that would help. It's not like I desperately want to travel somewhere, or that I wish I could have five elephants, or a million dollars. Nothing. There's absolutly nothing.
Time will help.
How can it? What am I waiting for? Until the day comes where I actually just run away somewhere? Until I kill myself? Until someone accepts that I'm really going crazy?
To the best of my knowledge, I'm going to outline some stuff that sucks.
1. Highschool days (they weren't always bad, mostly just when that jerk babygirl screamed at me and spit on me)
2.Sick and depressed forever (from about 2004 to early 2007)
3.Mom sick forever (I thought she was going to die. She did too 2004 to early 2007)
4.Sandy dies
5.Wart dies
6.ET dies
7.Cami dies
8.Grandpa dies
9.College stress
10.Some friend problems
11.Roommate from Hell
12.Moving
13.Car accident
14.Sudden depression
It's like everything is just hitting me all at once. More so towards the end. I can't handle this anymore. I'm in Hell, and no one will let me out.
I'm really scared. I feel like my brain is deteriorating. My heart is always beating fast. I don't want this to happen. I'm so scared.
Posted by Lisa at 1:55 PM 0 comments
The Rain Never Stops
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
"Do you know the heart? Do you that it can be destroyed? You can make it go away .You can make it shrivel up and die" -The Czars
This is it. I'm done for. This is the end of things.
That's all I can image. I'm so lost now. I'm so lonely. I cry alone every night, wondering what happened to me. Something has changed me, and I hate it. I can't live like this. I just want to die.
She's so sad. That's too bad.
The only bits of my sadness you know of is the taste I give you through transparent words, telling you things you can't imagine anyway. The utter loneliness I have, I can't even tell you.
There's nothing left that is happy here. I can't see it. "The girl who lost her smile"
Everything is a mess now, and I don't want to be here. Everyday is a tragedy, and I can't do that anymore.
I get worried about things that I know are unreasonable. I'm scared that people I love are going to die all of a sudden. I get feelings like something terrible is coming. There is an axe that hangs over me at all times, waiting. I want to be comforted so bad, but there's no one who will, or can. No one can help me.
Sometimes I stop breathing without notice.
This life has been permanently damaged.
I'm empty. You've scrapped out the last of my peace from my soul. I've been totally torn apart, and I don't think things will ever be the same.
I feel like a mental case. I thought I could be something, but now, instead, I'm just a crazy fool that can't function in a regular society. They'll have to just keep my in a cozy room where nothing bad can happen to me. They'll lie to me to make me believe everything is alright. They'll tell me sweet things like, "You can do it," and make me believe life is really worth living.
When something is shattered, you can never find all the peices. Instead, you just put up with having emptiness or a cracked surface, or you just throw it away.
I'm done with this. I quit. I give up now. Isn't that enough? I'm so scared.
I don't know what else I can say. I've dried up completely.
This is all I have left.
I can't go back.
Posted by Lisa at 12:10 AM 1 comments
Be Back Someday
Saturday, March 1, 2008
A broken smile
I'm at a point where I hate myself and others.
Nothing gives me pleasure anymore. I am broken. I am lost.
Everything is just broken apart.
It has been this way for a while. My smiles and giggles are just bubbles of a life I once had, the last of it escaping.
I don't want this girl to be me anymore.
Do I ask too much? Or too little?
Nothing left to hold on to. Meaningless.
This world I live in is just a real mess, and I don't think I want to be here anymore.
I guess I don't have any choices though...
That's it.
Writing poetry
Or something of the sort
In a dark room
That shuts off the world
Imaging a Sky
I knew long ago
When things were the way
They were supposed to be
Posted by Lisa at 10:29 PM 0 comments