Indecisive Battle

Since it's late, like usual, when I'm writing, I don't want to spend a whole deal of time on this post, but it's vital that I write something down.

I don't even really want to go into what has lead up to this. For now, I just want to try to sort out some very messy thoughts and feelings. I would say that I will give more detail later, but I've said that so many times, that you probably wouldn't believe it.

Right now, I'm not living alone like I used to. I was surprised over break with a roommate, and that sent me into a never ending whirlwind of anxiety. Can I pinpoint the cause? Kind of, but not entirely. I mostly blame Roommate.

Here's the thing.

I can't live with people.

Can anyone relate to that? Anyone? I'm honestly beginning to think that I'm the only person on this earth that can have such major problems with living with another person.

It doesn't sound strange to me, but everyone else thinks I'm being a baby about the situation. It makes me terribly uncomfortable to live with someone I don't know. It also makes me uncomfortable to be in the same room with someone, and ignore them.

"You'll get to know each other with time."

Is that supposed to make me feel better? I don't want to get to know her. What I know, I can't stand. It's not something we could talk through either. It's just her, and I can't exactly tell her to quit it.

Besides, I don't think we'll get to know each other. Both of us quite obviously don't want to.

I'm uncomfortable being in the same teeny room with almost anyone, except people I am super close to. Otherwise, I feel like we have to face each other. Like I have to entertain, otherwise I'm just being rude. I don't want to have that obligation in my "home". At "home", I want to feel safe, and be able to relax.

That reminds me, I started thinking about some things this afternoon, and the idea of the REM Cycle came up. I don't know a great deal of the scientific aspects of it, but I do know that when a person sleeps, they undergo this cycle that recouperates their body. This, however, can only be acheived when the person is completely asleep, and the process isn't interupted.

Me being in my quiet place is like my own REM Cycle. That is how I recouperate from the world. But, it doesn't work if I am interupted, not fully alone, or under pressure by something present. Now, you might think that I would be okay as long as I hang out in my room when she isn't around, but this isn't so. My mind knows that there is a "spirit" present. Even when she isn't here, I live in constant fear of the sound of her key scrapping through the key hole to enter my world that she has destroyed.

To be honest, I don't know what to do.

When she first called, the first thing she asked me was if I did drugs. She was also talking to her friend while on the phone with me, so it was a terribly confusing situation for me. Have people stopped practicing manners? She also asked when I was going to arrive at the room, and when I told her the time, she whined and said she didn't want to have to wait around that long for me. She lives in Syracuse, twenty minutes from the school. I live 4 hours away. Could she not comprehend that? Well, we woke up an hour earlier so we could try to make it there in time so she wouldn't have to wait around.

Well, we ran into some really terrible weather on the way here (pulaski), and ended up being late anyway. To my surprise, and sickening shock, when I opened the door to what used to be my room, everything had been moved. Well, to be my accurate, I couldn't open the door right away, because she had mountains of stuff piled up in front of the door. However, when I finally was able to push through the debris, I discovered the tragic reality that my relatively spacious, comfortable room, was gone.

You know, now that I'm really thinking about it, that was terribley rude. I don't care that she had to move in. I told her I would be late because of the weather, and she didn't have any right to touch my stuff. She just waltzed in and tore everything down. The poster that I bought at the beginning of last semester is all bent and wrinkled because she felt the need to pull everything apart in what used to be my room. I had absolutely no say in how I wanted the room. They just pulled things apart, and set things up how they thought might be best.

Did they think it wouldn't matter to me?

Remember how my playstation area was set up so neatly? Ruined. Touched. I hate it when people mess up my stuff. You might say, "Well, considering the circumstance..."

No. Don't touch anything.

Now the mess of wires are tangled and knotted up in a pile in a corner I can't even get to. There is a reason I set things up the way I do, and it seems like no one really cares.

She also moved my fridge, and brought in her own, something there is no room for. Also, a TV. Were these not the same exact objects I said she would bring in, and there wouldn't be room for them?

Please notice in this next photo how she has taken over the half of the shelf that is accessible, and also the extra peice, the peice I was using previously for my PS2 things. Also, the light that I worked under is now unusable, and I cannot reach any of my things on my part of my shelf without climbing on her bed. (I haven't read my Bible since I got here, mostly because I can't reach it.)


As you can see, my life has been slightly condensed. And what exactly is the purpose of that corner on the other side of the desks? I mean, if there is extra space in the corners of the room that isn't being used, doesn't that suggest that if it wasn't so poorly arranged, more space would be available?

Oh, I also can't use the window sill that I used to sit at everymorning to do my makeup. There is so little light in this room, and what we do have is very orange light, that I can't see what I'm putting on my face all that well. I used to sit by the window in the morning so I could get some natural light. Well, now I'll just have to go back to having blotches and smears on my face everyday.

Yeah, my fridge is in my closet now. So is everything else. When people used to visit me here, they would comment on how organized I was, and how I always had everything they needed (scissors, fingernail clippers, q-tips, tape, string...) and I always knew where they were. Not anymore. I have no idea where most of my stuff is. It took me a week to be able to find my garbage bags. Everything is just crammed into my closet.

Besides my room blowing up, I've been really sick since even before I got here, all from severe stress. Every morning still, I wake up hot and tingly, almost numb. The first night, I was so sick that I woke up every half hour after I fell asleep. Several trips to the bathroom were made, and a lot of water spilled on the floor from me trying desperately to get a cloth wet for my face.

Most of last week I didn't sleep in my room either. I slept in here when she wasn't around, but when she was here, especially with friends, I often slept in the basement. Kayla thuroughly reamed me out for that, saying sleeping down there is dangerous(which, I doubt I'm ever going to tell Kayla personal things anymore, since she is so controlling and a blabbermouth). Yeah, probably if it was that rotting school she's going to. I'm basically the only person that goes down there. Ever.

There was one night that Roommate had friends in the room; three to be exact, a number that shouldn't belong in a room so small. Well, I decided that I definately wasn't about to try to sleep in there after I discovered they were sleeping in there. In her bed. All of them. Is that even possible?

So, I returned to what I call the Pit, and went to sleep on the couch. I already wasn't feeling well that night, but the events that came later on in the evening caused me to never want to sleep in the basement ever again.

Here I will write a copy of the email I sent to my mom.

------
"I want to call you so bad right now, but I'm not going to for a couple
reasons.

My stomach is in so much pain right now, that I don't want to move
anywhere. I know that if I called you, I would get hysterical and make
my stomach hurt more. It's nearly five o'clock AM, and if I woke you up
right now, I would just mess up the rest of your day. You can't really
do anything from there anyway.

I've gotten one hour of sleep. Maybe one and a half. I have no where to
go where I can be safe.

Just a few minutes ago I woke up abruptly to the sound of horrendously
noisy girls. I think they were probably drunk. Big, drunk, black girls.
They were so obnoxiously loud. All the screaming and cackling scared me
to death and I tried to put my contacts in so I could go in the
bathroom. I only got one in, and took the case with me because I
absolutly could not stay in here anymore. I looked over at them, and was
so disoriented, that I don't really remember who I saw. There were four
girls though, all in their pajamas. Two were sitting, and the other two
standing in front of the vending machine. Their words didn't even make
sense. It was all just loud.

I don't mind saying, I thought it was my roommate standing there. But I
can't say that for sure.

I got in the bathroom, shaking and twitching so badly that I had a
really hard time opening my contact case, let alone putting the other
one in. Then it sounded like gunshots. The idiots were hitting the
machine so hard the noise echoed. I was hoping someone could hear it
upstairs and come see what it was.

The whole time I was thinking, I need to get an RA to come down here.
But I was trapped and basically helpless.

They hit it (or shot, or kicked, or punched, or body slammed)
repeatedly, and everytime they screamed and I jumped out of my skin,
feeling all the more sick. Eventually, they left. It was like a
hurricane.

And now, 20 minutes later, I'm awake, and I'm sick, and I'm shaking, and
I'm basically feeling like I had a heart attack(honestly, I can't think
of any words that describe how terrified I was). My stomach is still
twitching, and all my muscles are tight. I can barely move. I'm
freezing. I want to sleep in my bed. MY bed. In MY room.

It kind of feel like a dream now. In just the short amount of time that
it happened, and the time that has passed since, has made me feel like
it was a dream, mostly because I didn't really see anything clearly.

I can't take this anymore. Next time, I'm going to hide in the academic
building and sleep there. I feel homeless. I have my backpack that has
everything I need in it, and I'm living out of it. I have absolutely no
where to go. I don't even know what I'm going to do the rest of the
night. Right now, I'm really at my limit. I'm just so drained. I can't
even cry now. It would hurt too much, and if I hurt anymore, my soul
will probably reject my body.

Ouch. I'm tearing up a little, and it stings. I just can't handle it
anymore. If my body would stop convulsing and my stomach not have such
shooting pains, I would go upstairs to see if my room was at least quiet
so I could sleep. Even if there were 5 people in her bed.

That's it I guess. Now what am I going to do...? There's absolutly no
way I'm taking my contacts out to sleep. I'm probably destroying my eyes
over this crap. These retards have no idea what they're doing to me.
They all just go on their merry, probably drunk, way and don't even
consider that they've completely destroyed someone's soul.

Well... I guess I'm going to sit here for a while, and toy with the idea
of falling back asleep. I wonder if that's even possible, or smart. But,
I have no where else to go.

I would say "call me as soon as you get this", but I'm in the dead zone,
so it wouldn't matter anyway. As much as I want to go upstairs to sleep,
I physically can't. I can't move. I wouldn't be able to carry this stuff
up either, and then clear off my bed, and then get things situated (like
my laptop). I can't move.

I just hope they don't come back."
------

That could go in my list of "Worst Nights Ever", if I had one.

I'm not as sickly for now (with an exception for two nights ago when I had a bad fever and wandered around the building at 2 am until about 3:30(Roommate was still awake, talking on the phone and watching TV)). Although, I do keep getting panic attacks. Hm, that doesn't seem healthy to me.

Moving on...

The point is, I can't live with someone.

I can't. Why are those two words so incredibly difficult for the human race to understand? There are just some things people CANNOT DO.

Sure, the majority of people in colleges have problems with their roommate(s), and have way more problems than I have. Honestly, she isn't a terrible person. She hasn't destroyed anything of mine yet, she at least makes somewhat of an effort to be quiet when she notices that I'm trying to sleep or study(well, she doesn't scream as much, I suppose), and she isn't in the room as much as she probably could be. But that isn't it. This isn't my room anymore. I have no more safe place to return to. I feel like some random passerby just walked into my home and staked a claim on it. Not just the house, or the room. My home.

Do you know how that feels? Can you grasp any of how trecherous that is?

I am constantly getting lectures from my peers about how I need to do something about the situation. I should respect her, offer her things, sacrifice. I am already! I gave up my comfort for her! I do make an effort to talk to her sometimes! She's sick right now and I went out of my way to offer my time and personal things to make her tea. I've concerned myself over her well-being. I haven't yelled at her for being obnoxiously loud or having the dumb TV on all the time or keeping the door unlocked or the window open or her friends sleeping in here.

Stop telling me what I need to be doing to make her feel better. Are I not the one with the problem here?

I know, I probably sound obstanant and selfish. But I'm just so sick of no one listening to me. I can't handle being so alone anymore.

"Suck it up"
"So what? Everyone has those problems?"

I don't care about other people! Maybe they can handle living with someone, but I can't. I can't live with someone.

The stress over this has been affecting my life outside of this situation too. I'm so confused all the time. I can't remember things. I keep saying things that don't make sense in a sentance. My mind is muddled. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just sit in here or in the basement and work on homework. In class yesterday, I got so confused. I should have known what the answers was, but this stress has been so long and hard, that I can't understand things anymore.

I've been so tense too. I can't fully turn my head or I'll pull a muscle (which I've done several times already). Yesterday I cried for a full 2 hours, and the same the day before. That doesn't sound right to me. How can you say that things will just get better on their own, or that this isn't really a big deal?

Oh, and my immune system has pretty much gone down the tubes.

I have a problem, but no one seems to care or want to fix it. I know I have people that are concerned about me, but they are far away. Even if they were here, what good would it do?

Okay, here is the real point to the story, and why I named this post "Indecisive Battle".

This is serious, and my mom and I seem to been the only people who realize that. What we're trying to do is get a medical reason for why I need a single room. Dumb? I don't think so. From lining out the things that have been going on, I can quite confidently say that I have a serious health/mental issue. Why no one else wants to acknowledge this, I have no idea. If there is something that everyone goes through, and gets stressed, but is still okay, and there is one person who can't get past it, doesn't that sound a little more serious? If you should be able to get past it, but can't? Forcing this person won't help, I don't think.

So far, no one wants to say that I have a problem though.

Here is a copy of another email I sent recently...

-----
"Okay, I'm in the basement. I was actually going to sleep in my room
tonight because I say that she had some luggage stuff and I assumed she
was going out for the weekend.

Well, when I got back to my room, she came in and hung around with two
other girls in there. I came down here and worked for a really long
time, going up once in a while to get tea or something. One time when I
went up, she was on her way in the room. I came down here again for a
long while, and then when I finally decided, I was going to sleep in
there anyway, I went up to a dark, but loud room. I thought she was
talking on the phone at first. But then I heard other voices.

Apparently, the two other girls are spending the night in there. So, I'm
not. I refuse to sleep in there with two other people talking all night
and watching tv. This is stupid. Really, really stupid.

So, I'm going to sleep in the basement again. But I'll have to kind of
hide somewhere down here, because, unlike other RAs, Emelin and Katie
actually do their jobs and make rounds every hour. I don't think it's
against the rules to sleep down here, but with them knowing the
situation, they'll tell me I should just tell her those people can't
sleep in my room.

Great. Three people just conquered MY ROOM. I hate this. This is stupid.
Stupid, stupid.

Eugh...

Who in their right mind does this crap!? She probably figured it didn't
matter because I never sleep in there anyway. Tch. Yeah."
-----
I went to Residence Life monday, and got very little solved. "Singles are reserved for people with medical problems."

Uh... I know.

The only options I have are...

1. Talk to someone(counselor)

Ummm... yeah. That's going to do a lot. It doesn't really encourage me that the health office is practially 500 miles away and it's just a tad cold and windy out. What can they do? I can complain to someone I don't know, about problems they can't fix. I guess I'm going there sometime this week though. To be honest, I don't want to have to explain this all over again.

2. Talk to Roommate and RD to sort out problems you have with each other.

First of all, no. There is no way I'm going to make things way more uncomfortable like that. Besides, what could I say? The major problem I have with her is that she is living in what used to be my room. Yeah, that wouldn't be awkward at all.

3. Move out.

To where?! "We could have you move into a room with someone you like more". Who? I don't know anyone here. That doesn't really sound like a good solution to "I can't live with people" either. I think that might just add to the stress anyway. Roommate would fine out that I hate her, and in turn hate me(and I have a class with her), this new roommate would probably hate the idea that I barged into their room (how can moving in to another room give me my safe home again anyway?), and I'd have to find some way, and time, to be able to move my stuff to wherever. I'd have to try to get to know someone all over again.

That's it. Those are the solutions. Are people just missing the point?

That's my battle.

A Breather

I'd rather not talk much about what's been continuing to go on in my head. I'll just say now that the idea of having a roommate has given me an ulcer(seriously). And guess what? There's nothing I can do about it.

So, for tonight, seeing as how it's already 2:13, I'm going to talk about a couple other things for a short while.

I mostly just wanted to write because I found the silliest watermelon themed photo for this entry. I mean, what? That was in the pile of AAA images I was looking through. Is that a member or something? Sorry, I've just started listening to AAA, so I don't know them very well yet.

"I hate mosquitoes. They like to bite me." -Shonen Knife

Kristi gave me a CD with all of their current songs. They are the best group ever. I mean, yeah, everyone hates mosquitoes. Only Shonen Knife would ever write a song about them and get away with it.

Lately, I've been trying to figure out what songs Shojo Explosion is going to be doing over the summer. We have some more new members, but have also lost quite a few of the old ones. As for now, the total member line-up is 7 people. That's pretty good, if you ask me. The total people we have, those who have resigned, and those who are inactive, is 14. Pretty cool! Wouldn't it be amazing if we could all do a song together someday? Kind of like an, "All for One and One for All". We've been discussing ... a top secret project for a while now. Maybe I'll fill you in sometime when the plan becomes a little more solid.

As for getting everyone together, since using Rachael's studio, which has made things so much for efficient(we learned most of Otoko Tomodachi on the first day!), I've felt like a better director, and have been thinking we need more stage crew people. So, instead of people just dropping out, or not being placed in a certain song, they can act as makeup artist, lighting crew, cameraman, set crew, hairstylist... I think the productions to come will be good ones. Look forward to it!

It seems we've finally decided what we'll be doing for the summer. It looks a little like this...

Shabondama(Yoshizawa-Kamei version)
Otoko Tomodachi
Salt 5
Chokotto Love

That seems like a lot, but it also doesn't at the same time. Shabondama is a part of the Sam/Lisa pairing, so I know we learn quickly. But it is somewhat of a hard song. I want it to look really good, so we'll need to practice it a lot. I know that Sam has been slacking lately so, we'll just have to see.

Otoko Tomodachi will feature a new member, Brianna. She learns quite quickly, and seems to be very excited to be involved. I'm very glad about that. It's been a long time since someone has freely joined and been happy about it. We'll have to work on a couple things, like smoothness, but we've only met once, so I'm sure things will turn out alright. We just have to keep practicing.
We already know the choreography of this song, so it shouldn't take long to produce. The only concerns I have for now are costumes and backgrounds. Lyrics shouldn't be a problem this time either becaue Shannon will be doing the singing, and she loves learning the lyrics!

Salt 5 is going to be the major production for the summer. I'm not even sure if I can pull it off yet or not. This is sort of an iffy one(is that a word?). There isn't a practice video or a dance shot version for this, so it's going to be hard to learn. I remember looking at this one a long time ago and not pursuing it for that reason. Of all the live versions of the dance I could find, Mako was usually sitting down(injured leg), so that could lead to some difficulties. I'll work on it though. I think this one could be a lot of fun.

Chokotto Love is one I've wanted to do forever. This isn't on the official list(well, it is, but it probably shouldn't be) because I don't want to push things this summer. I really pushed it last summer, which can be clearly seen in the last production(I haven't finished it, still!). I really love this song though, and I wouldn't have to worry about costumes too much. This might have to be a filler, if we have time for it. If we have time, I'll just have us practice whenever(maybe after the big group practice, the three of us will just stay a little longer at the studio) and record it over winter break or something.

There just seems to be an overload all of a sudden of potential videos, and I want to do them all, right now! I even made a dream list, and then a realistic list. Daite Hold on Me is roaming around between the two lists right now. We'd only need one more person, and I could teach them the dance, no problem. I think if we really tried hard, it would look wonderful. Stunning, even. Well, we'll just have to wait and see. I'll start working on it, so when the time comes, I'll be ready.

Besides Shojo Explosion being on my mind....

I'm getting a hair cut tomorrow(today)! The only thing is, I haven't even really decided what I'm going to get it cut like yet! Oh no!

I have an idea, but it isn't my solid decision. I'm going to be happy with it this time too. Everytime I get a hair cut, I hate it. Really bad. But this time, I'm going to just enjoy the fact that I've finally done something with it (I wanted to grow it out, but I just get so disgusted with it), and I'll work with it, not matter how it turns out.

Here is what I'm thinking...



This was the first choice I made. This girl plays the drums in ZONE and the photos are from the PV Egao Biyori. I've like ZONE for a while, but have never really kept up with them. I've just started listening to their music again, so I'm determined to learn their names!



Otsuka Ai!



This is a/the lead female singer(?) of AAA. This shot is from the PV "Q". From what I've seen, this is definately my favorite song of their's. It was so hard to find any decent shots of her hair though. As you can see, the quality of the video I have isn't fit for screenshots, but I tried my best.

This is the last of my options. Takahashi Ai, from Morning Musume in Mikan. This song sounds and looks like the great return of Morning Musume. Well, I guess they never went anywhere... but that's a story for another, not 3 o'clock, time.

I think the cut will end up being either the ZONE one or Takahashi. I'll have to decide in the morning!

The next step is, do I want to dye my hair? Yes, I do. But what color? Should I do red again, like I always do? Or a darker brown? Or a lighter brown? Redish brown? Maybe. Highlighted tips? That sounds cool.

I originally wanted to get some kind of short, layered cut and dye the underneath a nice blue. That didn't happen, but I still have plenty of hair, so I might someday.

Well, I'll see what happens tomorrow and maybe get something up on here on how it turned out.

It was nice to just be able to chat for a while. I haven't been able to do laid back jabbering for a while. Wow, I'm going to get more posts in this month alone than I did in all of '07! Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? I don't know!

By the way, how do you like the new layout? I've been looking FOREVER for one that fits. I think this works out well.

Purplu Wingu...

-Lisa

Less Crying, More Stress

Wow, this week has been really awful. Or was it last week? Both?

Finally, I've stopped crying. Hopefully, next time I'll remember that praying helps and should be used as a first resort, not a last. Still, I didn't get to talk with my mom much. We did a little one night, but it sort of turned into an arguement. Then yesterday, on the way back from the dentist, I got to tell her a little bit about things that have been bothering me.

As sort of a rebutle concerning my last post, I'd like to say that my mom really cares about me. For now, things are just really dark around here, and I don't think she can handle everything. It's really my own fault for keeping these things to myself anyway.

Now that I finally can write without raging emotions, you'd think I could start getting back into writing about older things, like the list I made oh so long ago. Instead, all I can think about right now is the huge pressure I'm under, and the collapse of my family life.

Last night Nina chewed her stitches out. She had just gotten back from getting fixed at the vet. We didn't notice until around 11 PM. Well, living in a tiny town means no emergency vets. I really would rather not relive the moment. It was truely terrible. Kristi... well... gets hysterical. If she was just upset, I don't think it would have been as devastating as it was. Instead, she started yelling at me and mom. It seems that everytime something happens, she jumps right into the middle, blaming everyone else about the problem and then whining about why she is doing something about it.

Well, that's what happened last night. Not being about to listen to another word from her swearing mouth, I escaped to my room. She obviously didn't notice, or care.

That's all for now. The physical symptoms of this saga are getting to me. The stress is making me naseaus and drained, so I'm going to just sit around for a while.


-Lisa

2:19-3:13 and I'm Alone Again

I want this to stop. I just want this end of this. I hate this. There's no where for me. Normally, I wouldn't write here this often and about stupid crying fits, but I just really have nothing else right now.

The only person who has ever understood me in a time like this has been my mom. She's always been ready to stand by me and help me to move on. But things are different now. Now she's always working. I wait for her all day, and when the time comes when the car light finally shine through the windows, I try not to care because I don't want to overwhelm her when she just wants to come home and rest. That's what happens too. She comes home and says hi, does some busy work, and then goes to bed. Then another long period of waiting to see her again begins.

I want so badly to talk to her. I want to tell her about this awfuls feelings I've had, how I can't even function properly. I want her to sit with me and hold me while I'm crying. I want her to have the time and energy to take care of me.

That's what stops me. I know how draining it can be to tend to someone who is miserable. You just don't want to know what the problem is, and you don't want to have to be involved, because it's stressful to you. She has other things to do than to try to convince a hopeless girl to stop crying and move on with life. She's had to do that more than enough. Frankly, she doesn't have the energy for it.

I feel like she's divorced from me. She has a completely different life from me. She's in her "other life" more than this one that she's always had with me. It's the "other life" that she always talks about, but that is something I can't share with her. Although I still see her sometimes, and we can still have fun together, we don't feel together anymore.

Maybe that's a little drastic. I don't know. For now, we aren't connected. That's all I can say.

I remember year ago when someone was feeling down, I was devastated. I wanted nothing more for them to be happy, even a complete stranger. I constantly stewed and prayed for people who weren't even that upset about something. I bought them things, hoping to lift them up. I just wanted them to feel better more than anything else in this world.

I wonder if anyone can feel this way for me? Can someone lay awake knowing I must still be awake also and worry hopelessly because I'm upset? Can anyone care for me?

There's no one else I can talk to about this. Nor is there anyone who can help me through this or make me feel better. Friends say to call when I'm feeling down, but what can they do about it? They don't know me well enough to understand my heart. After the phone call ends and they can't offer advice, they'll say, "poor girl" and move on with their own lives, because it's annoying to try to deal with a crying girl. That's it. All I have left are words on a page that can't offer me help. Words. Words. Is that what it has come to?

Right now, I'm so confused. For one thing, my mind has been so bajangled(a feeling that I made up just now) that I haven't been paying any attention to God. It's always when you need Him the most that you turn away. He said He would always be there for His children, so I'm wondering why I still feel so terrible. I know that being a Christian doesn't mean life will be easy. You still go through all of the same trials any other person has, but I guess I was just expecting that when I felt so horribly alone, He would comfort me. What am I doing wrong? When I finally get a little sense in my head, I ask, "Lord, please be with me. Hug me. You're the only one left for me. Please, help me." I don't know what's going on. I can't understand anything. Why is this happening, and why do I still feel so alone?

Mom, I want to talk to you so bad. Why can't you see through this mist I'm in?

It's not her fault. I have a barrier up, that even I can't get through. I guess I'm just waiting until she sees through the wall, or until I explode.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

-Lisa

The Sleepless, The Stressed, The Uncombed Hair

I can't sleep. While yesterday and the day before that, I didn't feel so bad, tonight is the epitome of saddness. I feel sick because of intense and incessant tears. My eyes sting. My face is swollen. I can't do this anymore.

Someday, I'll have to move on from this rut. Eventually, I'll have to get into some kind of routine so I can study and focus on school. Eventually, classes and work will rule me again.

This evening I got a surprise phone call from my new roommate. The call consisted mostly of her half talking to her best friend about how weird she is, how she finds my last name intriguing, and asking if I do drugs.

This is the point where I began my relapse. Sorrow is always more vivid in the evening when no one is around for comfort.

I'm the child who wants to call home because she's afraid to stay the night at a friend's house. The good friend is suddenly seen as a cold and useless figure, and all I want is to be home. I'm lonely and scared.

How will I even sleep tonight? I just want to be away for what little hours I can be from this horrendously concious mind.

How will I escape?

Cheerless, Dejected, Depressed

Something is wrong. I just haven't felt like myself at all lately. When I'm alone I can't stop crying. When I happen to be around someone, it's like I'm not really there. My soul is separated.


Main Entry: sad
Part of Speech: adjective 1
Definition: unhappy
Synonyms: bereaved, bitter, blue, cheerless, dejected, depressed, despairing, despondent, disconsolate, dismal, distressed, doleful, down, downcast, forlorn, gloomy, glum, grief-stricken, grieved, heartbroken, heartsick, heavy-hearted, hurting, in doldrums*, in grief, languishing, low, low-spirited, lugubrious, melancholy, morbid, morose, mournful, pensive, pessimistic, somber, sorrowful, sorry, troubled, weeping, wistful, woebegone
Antonyms: cheerful, happy


Tension keeps building up, even now. Dad's complaining about the house being messy, about how things aren't just the way he wants them. Kristi is always yelling at the dog about something and whining about the new cat, trying to abandon her responsibilities to it. Mom's never around anymore...

Since I'm relatively calm today, I'm going to try to figure out what exactly is going on. I have somewhat of an idea, but I think it would help to try to sort it out in writing.

For one thing, I have a headache all the time. This is the kind of headache that you don't take notice of, but it's still painful. When it comes and goes, I don't pay any attention, but sometimes I'll find myself hold my head or neck because of the pain. It keeps moving around too. Sometimes it's right above my ears, and sometimes it's at the back of my head, near my neck. Once in a while I get random aches too, in my fingers, or legs. Occasionally I get a sore throat, but I think that's from the heating system we have here.

Other than that, physically, I don't feel so bad. That's somewhat of a change, isn't it?

Mom knew I was feeling down and said that when she got home from work we'd play Pictionary. Nothing became of that. We were supposed to bake together yesterday. Well, she ended up having to go to work. Last night she said she would stay up all night with me. I played video games and she fell asleep on the couch.

I guess....

I don't know. I feel way worse than just lonely. I'm crying over everything. Part of it is missing my mom. For some reason I can't just tell her that though. When she finally comes around, I just close up. Every night when she gets home, she just eats and goes to bed. Tonight she had to go out somewhere and asked if I could make her some tea when she got back. Well, she got home and went to bed.

It's hard to even think right now. My mind is so empty.

My mom called from work today and talked to Kristi. She told her I should get out of the house. Because of my discussion with her a few days ago about me being bored, she thinks I'm feeling blue because I have nothing to do.

Boredom could be part of it. But, getting out of the house for a couple hours isn't going to "cure" me.

That's just it. Whenever something is wrong, people just want to fix me. It's too much of a bother to just sit with me and listen or just let me cry as they hold me... Instead it's, "Well, do this and then you'll be fine".

At this point, I'm just a burden. "Oh, Lisa's grumpy again." or, "Great, she's in one of her moods. Just leave her alone and she'll get over it eventually." I know it isn't quite like that, because that just sounds terribly cold.

I want someone...to ask me... if I'm okay. I'll say I'm fine, of course. Women do that. The shell of me doesn't want anyone to get into my soul, but my soul desperately wants to come out of this stupid shadow it hides behind.


Main Entry: free
Part of Speech: adjective 2
Definition: unrestrained
Synonyms: able, allowed, at large, at liberty, break loose, casual, clear, cut loose*, disengaged, easy, escaped, familiar, fancy-free*, fly kites, footloose*, forward, frank, free-spirited, free-wheeling, get down, independent, informal, lax, liberal, liberated, loose, open, permitted, relaxed, unattached, uncommitted, unconfined, unconstrained, unengaged, unfettered, unhampered, unimpeded, unobstructed, unregulated, unrestricted, untrammeled
Antonyms: restrained, restricted



This sucks.

I've said this before, and it's still true. Won't someone understand that there is something ligitimately wrong? Can someone accept that there is something in me that has been disrupted, and needs a cure? Not medicine, or "time". I'm lonely, and I need someone. I just need someone. Don't drop hints of "I care about you, but I'm going to act like nothing is wrong and hope you get over this". Tell me you love me, that you know something is going on, and that you want more than anything for me to be my happy self again.

I'm in real bad shape right now. I just can't even function. There, I got half way without crying.

Everday I wake up, I sob, I waste away the day until evening comes and I convince myself I should try to sleep. I can't sleep, so I just lay there until somehow I go unconcious. The cat cries endlessly a few hours after that, then the phone rings in the early morning. Then I get up and do it again.





---

I started reading Flame of Recca on onemanga.com. I don't really like it. The anime was wonderful, and I watched it over and over. The characters portrayed in the manga seem rather dull to me. The drawing style isn't something I care for either. Take a look at this page...

http://img16.onemanga.com/mangas/00000176/00000002/12.jpg

The girl just looks really weird to me. It's like her body isn't really connected.

---


Memory 008 - Black for unsure

I said I feel unsure about this, because it's kind of sad, but not really a huge deal. So, I don't really know.

When I was young, I used to live in the bedroom right next to my parent's room. Well, to get to their room you have to go through another. We used to call it the train room because Asher had a big train set in there when he was a kid. It was on a huge table that took up more of the room. I guess it's more like a very short hallway.

At night, when I couldn't sleep, I would lay outside the room and whimper, hoping my mom could hear me and come out. I wanted her to know that I was lonely for her, but without going in to wake her up. What do you say to someone who you're waking up? "Hi Mom, I miss you." I was afraid she'd get mad, so I would just lay there.

Did I give up and go back to sleep? Most likely. The memory isn't clear here, but I don't think it matters all that much.

It never worked, by the way.

-Lisa



***
"First of all, it's not the best thing to categorize someone in the depression slot so quickly. Saddness and lack of motivation can come from anything. Just because he is feeling this way, doesn't mean there is something messed up in his head. Often times, these feelings come from your soul, not your head.

Try getting him out of the house to do something he wants to do. If he doesn't want to do anything, just get him in the car and take him to some place you haven't ever been to and do something you think would be fun or pleasant. Just trying a couple things out of the ordinary will help him come out of this shell.

If you are having winter weather there, this is probably part of the reason he is feeling blue. Winter can be long and cold and gloomy.

Try doing things you wouldn't normally do. Have him make tea with you. The good, loose leaf kind(if you don't already). If you don't know how, learn together. Bake a cake and make some crazy decorations with him, even if he just watches. Go for a walk with him and see who can take the most photos of bugs you find along the way.

When a person feels this way, all they want to do is be left alone, but that is the worst thing to have.

I hope he starts feeling better soon. This can be a really hard time : ["

How is it that I could manage to say that, when I'm going through the same thing. Maybe I know the answer to my problem, but... I just can't do it alone.

Bum Day

Well, Happy '08 everybody.

Siiigh....

That sure was boring. In fact, I'm bored. How about you? What are you doing right now? You're trying real hard to find something to read or look at on the net because you don't have anything else you want to do, right?

I know what you mean.

So, what do you want to talk about? When I logged in I had a lot to write about. There were a lot of things I could say, and I was pleased with myself for finally getting around to posting something worth reading. But... I've lot it.

First of all, I suppose I could go in depth about this boredom. Wow, that sounds exciting.

Oh wait, before that, I suppose I should tell you that Christmas went alright. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits all week, and we just relaxed and had some fun. We did a little baking a played some bored games (YAY!). Now we're back to ... hm, whatever we regularly do.

Okay, being bored. I can already see this spinning into a long story about being dissatisfied with myself. I'm not entirely bored out of my mind though. No, there are plently of things I could do, and I would be perfectly content, but lately, especially today, I want more than that. Right now, I want to travel. I've narrowed it down to, I want to travel to somewhere where something is happening, some kind of event or festival, and I want to take photos.

Well, I've been home from college for a while now, and it's been so nice to be able to just relax. When we get just a week off, it's hard because everyday I feel like I need to do something significant(usually studying) otherwise, I'm just wasting time. Which, I am. Right now, that is. But it's relaxing. But, now I want to get out of the house and do something fun.

The problem is.... there is pretty much nothing to do in the northcountry. In Syracuse, there are a couple more options. There are places that have been left unexplored. I can't say that it's very exciting there, but it does have quite a bit more to offer, is some respects, than themiddleofnowhere-land.

All night I've been trying to find somewhere to go with my mom before I have to go back to college. I want to at least do something before going back to being alone. When I first got to Syracuse, I started out searching the web for places nearby that I would be interested in. That's how I found out about Roji's, Han's, and the Heroes Expo. All have been great fun, so I thought I could do the same here. I though, since we've lived here forever, we've always just assumed that we've seen it all. But I didn't believe it.

That is, until I looked.

Yep. There's nothing in the northcountry.

There are resturaunts, a couple places to shop, and...er... what was the last one?

So, I guess I'll just be sitting around some more. I'll find something to do on my own, like I was going to do in the first place. I just really wanted to get out for a while....

Ugh, I thought I would just write forever tonight, but it's already 1:00. I'm actually tired tonight too, so I should probably go to sleep.

Siiiigh...
Hiroto hasn't written to me in forever. Since June 22nd. I'm lonely. I have lots more to say later. Maybe tomorrow I'll try again.

-Lisa