Victim pt. 1

Tuesday evening, 6:00, Mary's basement.

At the time I was feeling a bit strange. One of those feelings you get after you've been around a lot of people for a significant amount of time, and then they all suddenly leave. It isn't exactly loneliness, and it isn't fatigue. I suppose it's just an aura of uneasiness that no one can ever really describe.

I couldn't just sit around and feel bad for myself so I decided to have some fun with a container of wax I happened to have in my room.

By the way, Andrea informed me not to tell people I was "playing with wax" because they would get a very wrong image of what was going on.

Uhhhhhhh……

I popped the container in the microwave and punched in what I believe was 20 seconds. Here’s where the big problem comes in. I’m pretty positive I put in 20 seconds, but after all the shock and all that, I started doubting myself and thought I may have made the mistake of putting in 2 minutes. You see, the mary’s microwave doesn’t have a working screen. The screen just constantly flickers lights of nonsense. I also discovered later that the microwave doesn’t stop when it should. I found this out more or less through a breakfast mission with Ari when we were nuking bacon. It burned. Also, 1 second equals 10 to this machine.

So, I threw that container in and ran to the bathroom. When I returned, the specimen was done cooking away, as it should have been (though I didn’t realize it had been in longer) so I opened the door and...

SMOKE!

Smoke started billowing out of the door, so hoping to not cause the fire alarm to sound, I grabbed the container and pulled it out causing most of the substance inside to spill over onto my hand and all over the countertop.

Tragic as it sounds, I can still smell the wax and feel the burning liquid splashing over my hand.

This is about the time shock occurred. Now, when things like this happen to me, I don’t respond with screams. It was more like a painful groan that viciously fought it’s way out of the murky pit of my soul. I threw my hand under water in the faucet in hopes that the wax would still be liquid and would wash off, but to no avail. Somehow my mind told me that I needed to run into the bathroom instead of staying in the kitchen to try to save myself. So I ran to the bathroom and peeled the wax and my flesh off the area around my thumb, much like you do a sticker off a glass surface.

When something like that happens to you your mind is very one sided and can only focus on little details one at a time. I knew I was in terrible pain, but instead of thinking to call security or grab an RA, I just knew I had to get a hold of Ricky. He was what I needed at the time.

I tried calling him a few times fully aware that he was in a 3 hour class. All this time I was running around the academic building hoping to find him. I ended up sending him a text message that read “Help”. That was so cruel, but I couldn’t do anything else at the time. I really hate thinking about that. Since there was no response and I couldn’t seem to find the room, I actually went to the 2nd floor lab and looked up the room number online, all the while slowly slipping out of shock and realizing how much agony I was in. It hurt so much worse when I stopped moving. There were a few other people in the lab at the time, but I guess they didn’t here me moaning as I sat there (I didn‘t want them to notice anyway).

On my way towards the room I ran into Ricky in the hall as he was attempting to call me. It really kills me to remember how scared he looked as we met. It was a legitimate state of fear, and it really was an emergency, I just feel like it was horrible for me to make him worry like that. Although, if I had said, “Oh, I just burned my hand, could you help me please?” I don’t think it would have made anything better.

He asked what happened, but at the time I couldn't think consistently enough to explain what I was doing. Also because I was mildly embarrassed about the whole circumstance.

We journeyed to the health office which we quickly discovered was closed. Apparently the school assumes that health issues do not occur after 4:00 PM. Next option, counseling center next door.

Ricky got someone's attention while I leaned against the wall holding my hand up and whincing; there was only one lady in the whole building it seems. The lady came over to me and babbled some garbage, asking what happened and blah blah blah. I think it was when I said, "wax" that I absolutely died inside and began sobbing. Her pitiful response to my breakdown was, "Shh, it's okay. You'll be okay", in which I responded with what I find was the proper way to deal with the situation. This particular way was saying, "No, I'm not okay. This hurts" - angrily.

She had me sit down while she called the security office. I just sat there while and cried out of pain, shock, frustration, and fear. The lady returned with instructions to travel back up the hill to the security office to let them handle the unfortunate issue.

About this time, 20 minutes had already passed since the wax boiled over my flesh. My hand was oozing some horrid smelling liquid substance and was positively tearing my insides to shreds.

There are two truly horrendous parts of this whole experience. One being the thought that I could have restricted mobility in my right hand, and the other being the sickening smell of dead flesh.

------

Just now I closed my cell phone and dropped it on my desk as my tear ducts remembered how to function. My only explanation is that my body is physically exhausted with people being inconsiderate and insensitive. It isn't like I conciously decided, "okay, I'm real mad at the whole world now and it's time for me to cry." My body just wanted to let me know it was tired of being treated poorly. The phone call was to the hospital where they cut me off mid-sentence (again) while I was trying to explain myself, and they very rudely told me they don't give refills and if I wanted more pain killers I would have to see my personal physician (which I guess just sucks for me because I'm only four hours from home) or go back to the hospital for them to look at me.

Yeah.

Like looking at the burn is going to tell them how much I hurt. ONLY I CAN TELL THEM I'M IN PAIN.

-----

I'm going to continue this tomorrow. I need to get some rest so I can take on the tomorrow thing.

Also, so you don't get confused, most of this entry was written quite a while ago. I'll try to finish it up as soon as I can!


-Lisa

just woke up

Mild Outburst

Why do I have to be the one that is alone now? Why can't I be given support when I'm feeling like crap? No. That just doesn't happen. Instead, everything turns around. I'm not allowed to be down because I'm Mommy and have to take care of everyone who is begging for attention. So, now I'm left here, away from everyone, not even sure who I would want to see in hopes of getting comfort.

I want to go back to bed.

It works again. Ever since I blew my hand off, my tear ducts remembered how to function. We've been practicing a bit lately.

I quit. How's that?

You can disregard this outburst in a few hours because I'm going to just have to get over it and move on to more important things than feeling sorry for myself.

-Lisa

Mummified

I burned my hand Tuesday evening on hot wax. Liquid hot wax. I was in the midst of pulling it out of the microwave and it splashed over the side of the container onto my hand between my thumb and index finger.

It freaking hurt.

For now I'll spare you all the gruesome details. More so for my sake because I'm not in a comfortable position to type. Maybe after I take the pain killers and get my bandage changed I'll come back and moan and groan about the experience.

I just want to point out a couple things before I take off.

I'm alright. The pain comes in drastic waves sometimes, but I've dealt with pain before. Although, I must say that this is probably the worst pain I've ever been through. But still, I'm okay. Sometimes I get really scared, especially when I take the bandage off. I'm terrified that my hand will never be the same. Will I be able to draw again?

Oh, Ricky is here to take care of me. :]

Trapped in the Last Dream

When I woke up this morning I had this feeling like I was in a messed up dream where nothing ever made any sense and left you with a strange uneasiness. Usually you wake up from a bad dream and realize that you are really alright and you can forget the uncertainty you had. But this time I was already in a comfortable state until I woke up into the dream.

My alarm didn't go off this morning so I didn't wake up until 1. Maybe sleeping in that late caused some kind of confused mental state. I set it to 11 so I could be up in time to photograph the dance workshop for KB, but I must have done something wrong when I was setting it.

Since yesterday I've been shaking a lot. It happens sometimes because of the meds, but this was a little unexpected. I shook a lot when I first started taking them, but it eventually went away. I'm guessing it's reoccuring because I wasn't consistant with taking them for a while over the summer and now I am back on track. Ricky noticed when we were in class yesterday. I was reaching for my coffee and had a hard time successfully grasping it. It's the sort of violent shaking you might get when you are terribly nervous about something. It was at it's worst at that particular time. So far it hasn't gotten that bad again. It's just a little annoying.

Coffee...

Yes...

A while back I was at Dunkin Donuts to get a muffin and I saw an ad for caramel coffee. Doesn't that sound positively delicious? But, the problem was that I've never liked cofffee. I did say I would try it someday thought just because it sounds wonderful.

One day last week I was feeling really down so I escaped from campus and drove around fayetteville for a while. I thought just wandering around for a while might help. Help make me feel better? I don't know. It would just help. Anyway, I went into Panera at the end of my trek where they happened to have caramel lattes. Yessss! I figured I might as well try it out while it was right there. What was there to lose (besides a significant amount of cash)?

And now I can't turn back. It's so great to be able to get through class without getting drowsy, and I can even stay awake through movies. WOW! I think I've had six or so cups since I started drinking it. Yummmm.....

-Intermission-

I want to put this down before I forget.

On the way to the security office this evening I ran into Trippy Kevin. He was coming up the path from the ball field and we met on the sidewalk towards the office. We sort of said hi to each other. Kevin and I aren't friends, but we know each other from... lunch. Hmm... you know, I don't really know how we met. The first time we had interaction was last semester when Andrea and I went to the leather lounge to hang out. He was high at the time and thought that it being 2:00 was trippy. I think I might know him through Anthony. Well, anyway, I sit with him in the cafeteria sometimes when there are other dudes around.

Anyway, when I asked him what he was up to he kept his eyes foreword and responded after a long pause, "Withdrawl."

I've never really known anyone who was so concentrated in drugs before. Honestly, I'm really worried about him. I don't know him all that well, but lately he seems really down. It's like he's in a permanent emotionless-delusional state and has to travel viciously through a series of puzzles to make his way back to some form of reality in order to give you a one word response so he can slip back into the delusion. I can't tell if he's concentrating really hard on something, or really has absolutely nothing running through his mind.

I asked him if he was going to be alright. He was really sweaty and doing that determined "don't mess with me" walk. I don't know what I was expecting him to say. I guess that's why I asked. He said, "What, you don't think I'll be okay?"

"......"
"......"
"I don't know."

We entered the office; I got the parking pass for my mom, and he withdrew some cash from the ATM. On our way out he asked, "Are you excited?"

"About what?"
"Do you have something to be excited about?"
"Not really"

He said something else, but I can't clearly remember. It was something morbidly positive. Well, I didn't know what to say or do, so I just wandered in the other direction back to my car. I realized how threatening he is in that moment. When I looked back, he was gone.

No more thoughts on the subject for now.

-End Intermission-

My hair is blue.

Andrea did it for me and Ricky documented it. Eventually I'm going to get the clips uploaded to my computer and we're going to make it into some kind of film.

First we bleached it.




Ricky said I looked like a refugee here. ^






This is the blue I was actually aiming for, but what I have is good too. It's more green than anything, but that's fine with me. So many people have approached me with compliments. It makes me happy :]

Other than that, I've been having a lot of fun now that I'm back in Syracuse. Ricky and I have gone out to Roji's a couple times.




People have been hanging out in my room a lot. I didn't expect that to happen since my single is so tiny. The Hole. It's great though. So far there had been four people in here at a time. Let's see if we can make it five! I'll have more to say about that a bit later, but for now, here is a photo of the giant pizza we ordered when we watched daywatch, nightwatch, and the host.


Something has changed inside me.

-Lisa

System Failure

I didn't mean for my next entry to be like this. I've really wanted to write about all the excitement and fun that has been going on for me. But, right now, I just need to vent I suppose. I'll get back to happiness later.

For now, I feel like I'm already a failure. I've missed a few classes so early in the semester. Classes with professors that don't care about me much. I'm just a student, not a human girl. I can't seem to take my classes terribly serious. English is okay, and philosophy is too, but other than that, I can't really force myself to care.

Some parts of my life are being ignored too. I guess that is what is nagging at me right now. Like Anthony said, I need some Me time to reflect.

Don't give me answers. Don't give me riddles or force yourself to be sympathetic. Listen to me.

One thing that I found is that I miss Jessica. Ever since I got here I've felt like something is missing. There is an emptiness that is indescribable. At night, when I'm alone and unsure of myself, I wish she was around to talk to. I feel like.... someone took my partner away. Things just aren't right, but I guess I should have expected that.

Things aren't bad here. I'm just troubled and need to spew for a little while. When I write again I'll tell you about my adventures.

I finally shed a tear today. That's one thing that makes me feel a little less like a failure.

The strange thing is that the things keeping me alive are in turn killing me now.

Ugh, sounds so emo. I'm just troubled... Life isn't awful. Life has finally become my friend again. Just, for now I feel like I could function better if I was disconnected from everyone. Free to come and go, maybe?

Last night I got painty.

"COME BE THE MADMAN WITH US."

-Lisa

I've Forgotten All My Lines

Ricky is sad.

I don't know what to do for him.



Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

-Death Cab for Cutie - I will follow you into the dark