Code

It's evening now, and I'm feeling better. Although my desires haven't changed, I feel a bit more at ease. Did something happen to make it that way? Not so much in the physical world. My mind was resting for a short while, and it gave me a chance to recuperate.

But still, even now, I'm dizzy and short of breath. My body is still tense and my pounding heart makes my body shake. I know what it is from, but I don't know why.

I realize that I'm thinking too much about certain things, and trying to figure out stuff that either can't or shouldn't be touched (yet). I've even been told that. I know, but I have to learn it. I learned a bit today, just from a settled mind. No matter what knowledge I have, or advice I can take in, my soul has to be the one to accept something.

Can you believe it? I have almost twice as many entries than I did in all of 2007 already. Most of them in May. A lot has been on my mind, and lately this has really been my only complete release.

This evening, Anthony, Kristi, Ricky, and I (plus two of Anthony's friends who I don't know) went to watch Indiana Jones in the theatre. It's been far too long since I saw a movie in a theatre. It was great. Yeah, the movie was pretty good, but being there was just what I needed. I think staying in the "house" all day melts my brain. The theatre was quite impressive too(probably only to me, since the only theatre I've been in is stinky Massena's). I felt like I was sitting in an airplane seat. I also quite enjoyed the audio level and quality. For ages theatres have made me terribly nervous because of the loud noise and the dark, tingling air. But, this was nice. The gunshots were sharp, and all other sounds were so crisp. It made me jump, and that is something I've missed in movies.

Squishing in the back of that girl's car was interesting too. What an adventure :] I miss those.

I'll have to keep it short because I'm running out of battery. I could plug in my laptop, but there are still dishes to be washed, books to be read, and dreams to be dreamt.

But, I just so I can bring this entry to a point, I'll say this...

Never felt like this before.

-Lisa

Unknown - Disconnected

Tense. That's how I am today. I don't really feel like myself, and I don't like that at all. For now, I think I just need to write. Not particularly about anything specific, but just to keep typing and producing words.

I really wanted to write on paper, but for now, I don't have that luxury. Writing fiction has come back with a new beginning for me. Although, I haven't suddenly become active again, the desire has returned.

The basement, or dungeon, is an eerie, cold place. A place where delinquents escape the real world to drink their beer, ignore society, and live for a moment in a place they call Pretend(whether they know it or not).

I enjoy it here. Mostly, anyway. It holds good and bad memories. It's become a second home to me, actually. This is my kitchen. Kristi and I have only been here for about a day, and already I feel like I'm tending to my home. That feels nice.

For a while, I was empty. A robot. The days would go by, and I stopped bothering to count them. I lived in a gray world. But, slowly, color came back into the world, and I began to live again. I started writing down ideas again, and, even in its smallest proportion, I cared. Life started filling me up again.

So, what had happened to me? Now, I'm tense, and I want to be empty again.

I don't know what's going on. I can't form any words in my head, or come up with any sort of hypothesis on what my soul is doing. My chest tightens up and needles shoot into my abdomen sometimes. Dizzy... For a little while, I just want to be alone. To think? Maybe. But, maybe just to be empty too.

Part of me knows where it belongs. The other, doesn't. I'm becoming more content with where I am though. Home is good. I like it there. But it's a little lonely sometimes. Not because no one is around, or doesn't want to listen to me. Home is quite the opposite. Hmm...

Here, although I don't really have a permanent place to say is mine, I've adopted places in a way. The dungeon, for one. The balcony of the PAC. Again, these places are lonely, but they're mine, and I'm happy with that.

I can't think clearly. I don't want to think at all, but I can't help it. It's the only things that helps anyway. Thinking, pondering, considering. I wish it was warm out, like it was last night. I'd go for a walk, or lay in the grass and leave my soul vacant.

I need to be blunt with myself. At least I've started to learn that. Otherwise, I just keep going in circles. Alone, though. Lately, I realized that when I try to write something down, or tell someone, I try to cover myself. To prove something, with evidence. To make sure that whoever I am presenting this to will fully understand. But now, I need to just think about it alone, where I'm not worrying about who will understand.

Sometime this week, I hope we can go to the Funk 'N Waffle. I'm terrible with figuring out bus schedules, though. It might be more trouble than it's worth, but even so, I like it there. It's a good place for casual chatting.

A disconnection. That's what I want right now. To not have ties, and be able to just escape on my own. I want to travel and not tell anyone where I'm going. That isn't possible though, is it...

---

More specifically, this week is going to be nice, but frustrating too. Being here, but not being able to easily get places makes me feel so restricted. The semester was somewhat like this too because I didn't have a car. Now, there is a car, but it can barely be used. Instead, we're trying to take buses, walk if we can, and get rides from other people. This is complicated and annoying. It's even more painful to be closer to what you want, and still not be able to reach it.



-Lisa - she's scared.

Real Me, Real Feelings

Lately, a lot of things have been going through my head. I've had to continue thinking about what I should do with my life, where I should go to school for the next three years, where I should live, how to get there, how to survive...

And now, I'm no longer single.

As of Monday, the 12th, actually.

This is something I'm quite ecstatic about, but also terrified of. I'd rather not go into too much detail, because this is actually one of the very few things that I find too personal to write about online. Actually, it may even be the first.

My whole life, I've been waiting for the one guy who would willingly and thoroughly care for me. It was even painful sometimes, because I had become convinced that such a thing could never happen. My parents, especially my dad, have said things like, "She's going to make some guy really happy." I think that's really sweet, don't you? I had hoped so too, but over time, I came to believe that this person I am just wasn't capable of being accepted by anyone in this world. Not because I'm no good, but just because no one would want a girl like me. I'm a complicated girl, you know.

It was more so after a discussion I had with Asher that killed my dreams of love. Everything he said was true, and I'm glad he told me those things, but it lead me to give up. He told me things like, there isn't the "One" that girls always dream of. That's only what society and the media has force fed the public. Whoever you marry is who you chose, not because this person is specifically for you. That doesn't mean you were always "meant" to be together. It also doesn't mean that if your marriage works out perfectly, it was fate, and if you end up hating each other, it's because you made a mistake, or that was also fate. Marriage is something created, and not just something you fall into and let it do whatever it is supposed to do. God does prepare someone for you, but that doesn't mean he's going to be the perfect fit, just for you. He may not be something you expect or think you can handle at all.

(I'm paraphrasing. He didn't say it in these exact words, but this is what I remember myself interpreting it as.)

I completely agree with him. But, I guess when he talked about it, it seemed to me like love was just another trial that people throw themselves into. I know there is a lot of work that goes into it, but I guess I stopped caring at that point.

"I don't believe in love. It's just something society created because it was bored. These people don't really love each other, they just think they do, and they try to keep this lie alive because it's fun, or they think that they have to. I hate love."

As bad as that sounds, I think I grew up at that moment. I stopped waiting. I stopped looking at everyone, hoping that one of them would just jump out at me and say how much they love me. I decided that I could live without someone watching out for me. I could live just fine on my own, and I would. All I wanted at that point was to escape from society, and live alone, keeping my secrets to myself. Even if that really did happen, I think I would still be okay. Somehow, I matured at that point. I was able to leave those little girl dreams behind me, and move on.

And now look at me. Thinking about him all the time, keeping my computer close by in case he sends me a message, grinning everytime someone says his name, staying up into the foggy hours of the night, not even having to talk to him, but being satisfied knowing he's on the other end. Everytime the phone rings my heart starts pounding, even though I'm almost positive it won't be him.

I think that I was finally ready for this. I've told that to a couple people too. If you just keep waiting, thinking about it all the time, nothing is going to happen. If a guy sees you looking, he's either going to think your a baby, or take advantage of you. You need to just live your life, and what he sees, will really be you, not some silly girl who is trying to act a certain way to catch someone. You need to be complete before you can move on.

It makes me think of the choice video game characters have sometime, where they are told they have to sacrifice one of their party members, and end up saying they'll sacrifice themselves. They are completely ready to die, but end up not, and actually are able to move on after that.

Does that make sense?

There are a lot of things to think about. I'm sure that for normal people, you just say, "Hey, let's go out," so you do. You hold hands, hug, kiss, whatever, because that's just what people do what they are dating. If one of your friends, or even your enemies, says something that might hint at making you doubt the other person, the relationship quickly ends.

But, that's so childish. I knew it way back in elementary school too.

We've talked about a lot of things in the few days we've been together. I don't know if anyone else can do this, or if they care, but I'm just so glad that we can talk to each other so easily. For ages, my blog has been the only thing I've ever opened up to completely. This is the very essence of who I am. Things like, "I'll miss you" I could never say to even my closest friend, and now, I can say exactly what I'm thinking to him. I've never been able to do that before, and it makes me happy to know I won't always have to be alone.

Right now though, my heart feels empty, or exhausted. I've spewed out all these thoughts and emotions all at once, and it needs time to refill. For a couple days, and especially last night, I wanted to cry. My heart is so tired, and needs a break. But, I couldn't. For some reason, my eyes won't tear up anymore. I don't particularly want a reason to cry, but when my soul feels this way, not even words can heal.

You can feel bad for me if you want, but I won't be mad at you if you don't. I'm enjoying myself, the person I am now, and I'm happy with where I am. I just need a little time to myself, maybe.

I was actually talking to a "Home Friend" today, and noticed something about how I've changed and other people haven't. A lot of it happened at the end of the semester, after I met him. He made me see things differently. Life in general. Just from things he's said, and his responses to when I complain, has made me start to see things in a better light. I try to live better now. Of course life is going to be dull if you let it. That's why we just need to be content with what we have. That's the only way we'll ever be happy. That's my mentality now, or at least what I'm trying to make it. So far, I've been much happier.

Everything my friend said to me was dim and negative. It wasn't because there was anything particularly bad going on. It's just normal stuff, and I guess she just doesn't care to enjoy herself.

I'm glad I'm not like that anymore. I'm glad I'm okay with living now.

That is why I can say that if something happens, and he and I grow distant, I will never regret these days. No matter what happens, my life has changed, and I could never thank him enough for that.

The things we've been talking about have been good. Good in the sense that we have been able to discuss important topics and get some things settled, and figure out the other person's views. I'm probably trying to figure out things too fast. We haven't known each other terribly long, and there are plenty of more days to be spent talking to each other and just enjoying being together. I know that. But, I'm worried. Not just worried, but scared.

I have knowledge on things like this. I have what I know to be right in my head, and I can realize what I want and keep my wits about me. But, this runs so much deeper than I could have ever imagined. A lot of it is just from seeing other couples. The relationships I've seen are always so shallow, that I couldn't really imagine having to stick up for myself so much. I'd much rather have it this way, than some kind of surface-based "friendship" that we feel we have to carry on with.

Some of it I am completely comfortable with, and other things, I just really hate.

I really hate it.

I don't want to say anything specific, but just in general, there are things we've talked about that I've never had to think about seriously before. Nineteen, and still just a kid. A lot of things are me not being able to understand everything, but still knowing what I belief. It's hard to explain though.

Basically, I'm afraid of losing him because of my beliefs. It isn't so much because I don't want to be hurt. First relationship and all... That's not really it. It might just be my mind getting too creative again, but I'm really afraid of hurting him. He told me some things that night that make me feel like he needs me, possibly even more than I need him. I don't want to mess anything up for either of us, but at the same time, I can't compromise what I believe.

I can admit that I shy away from affection. It has taken me all these nineteen years to be able to hug someone of my own free will. I'm not scared though. It isn't just something I need to, and will get used to over time. Affection has meaning to me, and if I can't see the meaning, or if it is abused, I don't want it. I'm careful, possibly a little afraid, but being afraid isn't what the "problem" is. This is me.

My mom started talking to me like a mom the other day. She's never really had to "discuss" anything so serious with me before, that it was painful. It was then that I realized no matter what vows I had previously made for myself, they can so easily be ignored. That's what scared me. I've never so vividly seen myself going against everything I know.

Just to make it clear, I have no doubt in my mind that I am safe with him. My feelings about myself have changed, and that is where the trouble lies.

Maybe I'm just scaring myself. Convincing myself that I'm weaker than I've always been.

Right now, there is something I want to say quite bluntly, but it wouldn't be appropriate to do so here. I don't know if I could anywhere, except in my head.

This is one of the things I never thought I would get to in my life. I never thought I would live to see eighteen. I never thought I would get to college. Not necessarily because of anything (although being sick all the time did discourage me), but mostly because I just couldn't imagine it. I thought the world would probably end before that, or I'd die of something.

So, it's exciting, actually. I'm enjoying myself through every second of this.

He's bound to get annoyed with me soon. I must be really hard to handle. Normal girls are probably a lot easier to be around because they don't have all of these morals set for themselves. Things must be less complicated. I wonder if I'm still the same girl he thought I was when we were both shot with that feeling.

There are some things to be talked about this week, and it's going to be hard. For now, though, I'm just glad I'm going to get to see him. I wish he could come here and meet my dad. My dad can say things a lot better than me.

---

When he asked me that night, and I said I would, I probably should have asked him if he was really sure he wanted to date me.

But.... I think he would have said yes. :]

---

I'm doing suprisingly well for getting four hours of sleep again. Hopefully my body will either let me sleep longer in the morning, or just adapt to a four hour schedule. I'm pretty much okay with that, as long as it doesn't make me sick or crazy. Midnight, when no one else is awake, I get a little lonely.

---

It has taken me since early this morning to write this entry. I keep getting interrupted, but I don't mind. It has given me a chance to rest my heart and mind a bit, and I've been spending a lot of time today with my dad. Lately, I've wanted to spend a lot of time with him, but haven't known how. He's usually working and when he gets home he's tired, and keeps working. On weekends he's building something, or taking care of the garden. So, today I helped him plant corn. He asked me yesterday if I would, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Usually when I work with him, I just hinder him because I don't know what he wants or what I'm doing. Things were easy today though. I basically just had to walk around while he used the corn planter and checked to make sure things were working properly. He got to tell me how things worked, which I know he enjoys. Whether or not I especially enjoy talking about corn, at least it can be something we share. I hope there will be other things soon.

There are too many words now. I'm done.

I was wondering if you were still awake
And I, I called you up, got scared and hung up
And I'm not sure if I can understand the pain
That held you back, that held you back, oh

Take me away
I feel okay
Come back some other day

Smile, if only for a little while
Please smile, from the start you've played the part
Your smile, I gave you the heart you're tearing apart
Your smile, took me in but it's no friend

Take me away
I feel okay
Come back some other day

-Some Other Day, Flick

-Lisa

Medical Updates

It occured to me today that I never said what medication helped when I was so blue. I know that there are plenty more people out there that have had, or are experiencing right now, the same feelings. For me, it felt like forever before there was any change for the better. I don't want anyone to have to go through that...

Before I even saw a doctor, I got a hold of some wellbutrin and took one pill every morning. Eventually, when I did see a doctor, she said that was probably the best thing for me, and was able to prescribe some. We just ordered a refill, and instead of getting wellbutrin, we recieved a generic brand (Bupropion) which didn't cost us anything, rather than the hundreds it would have been for the name brand stuff. That was a plus. So far, the generic seems to be working perfectly fine.

As for side effects, for the first month or so I was extremely shaky, and got dizzy often. I don't remember the transition period completely, but I remember wondering if people could see my body vibrating as they talked to me. It went away eventually as my body adapted to the medicine though.

The last week of school I stopped taking it because I thought it was why I was waking up sick every morning. I'm still not sure why that happened exactly. It was probably just a combination of things. But, I could definately see a difference at the end of the week. I didn't slip back into the hole I was in, but I could feel myself getting ready to.

Don't skip your medication.

Eventually, I won't have to take it everyday. For now though, I just want to be able to stay stable.

I hope that helps anyone that might be looking for answers.

Now I have to go call the doctor to sort out some other health issues, and make some tea to try to get rid of this cold.

-Lisa

Soulless

I'd like to reflect a little on the whole crisis that happened in the beginning of last semester. I wrote a lot during that time about how hopeless things were, and now that it has passed, I think I should give the conclusion.

Quite honestly, I can't really remember what happened. I know the things I keep repeating when people ask, but it's all really just empty. That whole part of my soul was really just sucked away. That doesn't make it go away though... it's just numb. For now.

I did get through it, but not without wounds. I broke. People have actually congratulated me on getting through such an experience. Somehow, I almost feel hurt by that though. It's not like it was just another test. This was every bit of my soul.

My faith was really hurt during this time also. The typical reaction for people to have when something goes wrong is, "Where were you God?" This isn't so much what happened with me. I don't even think it can really be explained in words. I think my soul just got so battered that it wrapped up inside itself. I was scared, but didn't want any help. I think I was just afraid of everything, and gave up so much that I didn't even bother asking God for help.

I didn't stop believing, and I didn't lose my faith. But, I didn't develope at all either. It isn't like this experience has strengthened my "spiritual walk" as many people assume that it must have. Generally speaking, when a Christian is "attacked" by evil, and they are able to get through it, they feel like they have grown stronger in their faith.

I don't quite know what happened to me. I think that, although others may think the situation came out positive (and it did eventually, in many ways) and was a success, I really just died and eventually floated back to the surface to a crowd of people that thought that everything must be okay because I'm alive again. It isn't enough just to be alive though.

Back to the faith thing though...
The point I am at now feels like I've gone back several years of my life. I remember as a kid, I knew the stories, the rules, the answers... But, I didn't really let Jesus live inside of me. I lived like a Christian, but I got stuck in that ditch between having religion and having a relationship with Christ.

It wasn't until my Sophmore or Junior year of highschool that I realized that I wasn't going anywhere. I started praying, real prayers, and reading my Bible every night. It isn't that I never did this before, but it was at that point where I wanted difference. Change happened. I changed from being a dumb girl who just followed along with stupid highschool antics, to someone who could really stand her ground, and make decisions on her own. I can't say that I suddenly became this Godly woman, but I was able to see things clearer.

When the incident happened, I retracted from everything I ever knew. It isn't that God forgot about me, or he was just seeing how I would do on my own. I know He was there, because when I look back, I really wonder why I didn't either run away or just kill myself. Things began falling in place after that too, which leads me to believe that he was setting the stage for the next scene.

Right now, spiritually, I'm a little lost. I have the knowledge I've always had. If someone were to ask for advice on something, I'd respond the way I always have, keeping God first in everything in life. I know the difference between right and wrong, and I think I have a deep maturity as a young Christian. For now though, I can't talk to Him. It isn't because I'm mad about anything. It isn't because I don't have time.

I ... don't think I care to right now.

I've tried. I've tried praying a lot since then, and the most I can ever get out is, "Help me." It's sufficient though. God doesn't really need an explanation.

It's like when your Dad goes on a trip somewhere for several days. He hasn't abandoned you, or stopped caring about you. He'll call on the phone and talk to you, but it's kind of empty. You can't really express how you feel much on the phone. What would you say anyway? You just wait until he gets home to feel alive again...

I guess that's it. Although, God hasn't gone on a trip away from me. I think I've gone on the trip, and I don't really like it.

For now, I'm trying. I think that eventually, I'll be okay. I'd like for the people who think I'm alright because I managed to "get through" to know that you can get through anything, but not without permanent wounds. It doesn't really matter though. This is between me and God.

Other than that, I'm doing alright. I feel alive again. Instead of waking up every morning wondering what kind of tragedy is going to happen, I can wake up with a goal in mind. I want to get better at things again. I want to grow again. Before, I basically just wanted to be incinerated.

I noticed how much of a shell I had become during that time by sorting through photos I've taken throughout the year. I've made it a habit to take photos of myself every so often, because I know that I change a lot, and I want to be able to remember where I was in my life. It's also to try to improve my photography skills. You won't learn unless you keep doing it, no matter how bad you start out. Trust me, I have plenty of really terrible photos.











Broken

Empty

Lost

Sleeping in the leather lounge?

Falling apart

But... somehow things changed. I think it was sometime after I met Jessica and Anthony. They gave me some hope. It took a while, but I started coming back to life. It took several months to be able to talk about anything without crying, but now that it has passed, I can smile again.

Look at that. I think she's going to be okay.

-Lisa

(sorry about the sloppy code in this post)

A Dream of Lilacs

I'm quite confused, but when am I not? Lately, I've been thinking about things. The way things are now, the way they were, and the way things will change from now on. I wonder... what makes me happy?

Right now, I am happy. But, why?

Is it alright to question that, or should I just accept it?

When I think of these things, I just drag myself in circles. I want to be at home, but when I get there, I'm not content. I want to be at school, but I know I'm just going to get stressed out. I want things to stay the same, not to change. Yet, I don't want things to be stuck in this rut that never allows for change.

Am I just a fickle girl? Do I just need to change my attitude towards things? That's probably most of it.

Somehow, I can't help but think that I'm still suffering from the PTS symptoms though. My life flashed before my eyes, in a terribly grotesque way. It has left me wondering a lot of things. I want to be able to hold on to some of those pieces I think.

What do I want... what do I want...

Even if I could never achieve what I want, I think I might feel better if I can at least figure out what it is.

I want to be strong, and I think that for the most part, I am. There are a lot of things I've dealt with on my own, and I've done alright. But, given the chance, I think I kind of just want to fall apart. Just for a moment...

What is happening to me?

Lately, everytime I lay down, I fall asleep. To be drawn into a dreamworld, where everyone knows you, but can never remember your name.

She wonders what she'll do with her life...

What will happen when there are no more robots left to fight?

All she can be sure of now...
Is she likes May for the Lilacs.

"First Emotion of Love"

"Youthful Innocence"

I never cared much for the overrated language of flowers... but, I think I like these.

-Lisa

A Girl

She is back now, under her own Sky.

And, she's happy.