Misson Two - Complete

Lisa - Master Bruno Schirripa

The best mission of them all.

A Good Bad Day

Today was rough, but somehow I got through it with an upbeat attitude. I was feeling kind of down towards the end, but something cute happened, and now I can conclude that it was a good bad day.

It's late, so I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.

-Lisa



Project Good. Mission Start.

Mission One Accomplished.

Richard - Adrienne - Andrea - Lisa - James

A Fine Conclusion

Tonight I closed something. I didn't lock it, but for now, it is closed, satisfied. I'm happy. That chapter has been concluded and I think it ended well.

I'm really happy. Not in a drunken, hyperactive way. I'm just wonderfully content in this moment. Tonight I finally got to see Master Schirripa.

He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I can't even express how important he is to me. In some ways, I can't believe I waited this long to talk to him, but in other ways, I'm glad it was this way. I know he sincerely cares, and no one could ever change my mind about that. I don't even think I could ever convince myself of that.

I was nervous, just like I always am. I had done it countless times. Walked into the building, walked out, walked back in and sat in the lobby, peaked in the window to see if he was there, but never got close enough to really be able to tell. Tonight, I walked in and wandered a bit, something that had become somewhat of a routine for me. The room that TKD was moved to has a transparent entryway, so I was afraid to walk past. I didn't want the members to see me. There isn't really an expanation for that, but I don't think there has to be. You can understand, can't you?

So, I fought with myself for a while about getting close enough to see if the Master was really in there. Eventually, I just stood by the wall just before the room and listened. Yep, that was him. I could hear his voice. He was instructing the members on some kind of routine. Then, a yell. Then, a chorus of yells. It scared me at first. Its been a long time.

This time, even if I still wasn't going to go in the room, or even walk past it, I wasn't going to move from my spot. I wasn't going to let my fear drive me away anymore.

I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time anyway.

At one point, I was standing next to one of the benches in the hall, staring into the corner of the room I could see, wishing I could just catch a glimpse of his black uniform just so I could know he was there. Then I did. I didn't just see a corner of his uniform, I saw him. He looked right at me, twice even, but I don't think he really saw me. Still, I was happy with that.

I sat again, and before I knew it, he stepped out of the room. That's why I've never been able to meet up with him. He leaves early for something. It was a little after 6:40 at that point.

Again, he looked in my direction, but I don't think he realized it was me. I stood with a dream-like feeling and said, "Excuse me, Sir,"

I wish I could do that again. A timid girl speaking to her Master. What a sweet thought. That was me.

His face wrinkled with that big grin of his, just as I had hoped. A brief hug. He asked me how I was doing, and before I knew it, we were talking about life as he changed his shirt (hahaha, somehow that wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be when he said, "Come over here and sit while I change my clothes").

Everytime I tried to get to TKD to see him, I got nervous because I didn't really know what to say, and I wanted to talk to him about what has been going on, but I never knew how I could say it. I didn't have to though. I can't clearly remember how we got there, but it doesn't matter now. I think... he's just experienced. There are things he has said that has happened in his life that people would probably never believe when they see him. I won't write that here just because it's too personal, but I'll never forget.

I feel like I can be proud of him. I'm happy that he was able to get through things, and can still smile at me. It makes me think that he needed that hug just as much as I did.

I told him that things have been really hard, and I've been having to think a lot about what I'm supposed to do with my life. I didn't even cry. I felt tense, and not because he is intimidating or overpowering. He spoke very softly to me, and although he might not have even noticed he was doing so, I appreciated that more than anyone else could imagine. While other people always tell me to speak up or yell to me because that is how they communicate with people, Master Schirripa could really come to my level and make me feel like we could really talk to each other, not that he would just talk at me like other people do.

And we did talk.

He asked me about my grades, like he was one of my parents, but in a sweet, caring way, not a controlling way. He told me things like, I should do what my heart really wants to do, and that my mind can very easily confused those feelings.

I had always thought that the idea of "following you heart" was too idealistic, and people should really be logical about the decisions they make. I still believe that people should think things through and try to make a good decision. But when he said it, it all of a sudden made sense.

When you do what your heart tells you, it's never a wrong decision.

That is partially what is happening and it's driving me mad(he said it would, and said it probably had for me already, which I agreed with). I know what I want now, but my mind is fighting against me because I don't want to end up doing something stupid. Which is good... but it's still messing me up.

He told me that his son started out in a college for sports, but after an injury, he had no idea what to do. So, he went to his father and said he needed time to figure out what he was doing with his life. His father gracefully agreed, and he took a year off from school. The year after he started school again somewhere else with a whole new idea on life and what he should do with it.

When he was telling me about how he was having a really hard time, but somehow ended up where he is now, he mentioned something about a "greater being." He said, "I don't know what you believe about a high power, but I believe there is some kind of being that is always watching over you." (adapted a bit because I can't remember the exact words)

I'm sure he was going to be late for something because we were talking, but he seemed okay with it anyway. I walked with him slowly towards the door, and it just felt really peaceful at that time. I've always been nervous about other people watching or listening, but at the time we were outside walking, or just no where. It was quiet, and I didn't notice anything else.

I remember this specifically as we walked. He said, "You are very talented, and very beautiful." He probably doesn't realize how good that made me feel. I've been called pretty and cute by people my age, but to be told I am beautiful by a man like that makes all the difference in the world.

I wanted to ask him how he knew I was talented. I really wanted to, but I knew it wouldn't come out right. I don't mean it in a bad way, like, "who are you to tell me that," but instead I was just fascinated with how he can just see that in people. I guess I wanted to know the magic behind it.

"Have you talked to you folks?"
"A little."

I was even specific with my problems. Usually I just say, "It's been rough," but I told him about my old roommate a little and moving out. I quite plainly told him that I want to quit school. He didn't give me a surprised or disappointed look. He could just understand.

He asked what I like to do so I told him about my love for writing and photography. He said he used to do photography with models and when he was talking about it he got real excited saying, "You just know when that is your photo."

I explained that I was in the Communication Television/Media field, which was kind of close to what I want, but not really at all. I love how easily he could understand that.

"You want art."

Do you know what it is like to have someone just know you like that? It's really amazing.

I told him about my work for Roji's and how I was perfectly happy with that. But still, I have to survive somehow.

He mentioned a couple times about some of his close friends that are in that field. I can't remember fully, but he said something about

So much more was said, but it seems like a blur now. What he did say was helpful, and he kept asking me if it was too. "Does that help at all?" Always a nod and a smile. It's like the words he spoke went into my heart rather than my head, because even now, I don't feel so cold.

As we began to part, he said he hoped that if I did stay in this college next year, he hoped to see me back at TKD. I explained to him why I suddenly left, something I had been thinking about forever, but could never completely come up with the right way to say it. I just plainly said what was right there in my mind, and I was completely comfortable with telling him that. I told him about how I'm hard on myself, and I would always worry about it all week. But, I also made sure he knew how much I absolutly loved it there. He understood, and I'm glad.

I also told him that I had been wanting to talk to people about these things for a while, but it had been too hard.

"It was just time."

I was satisfied.

We hugged. It was a hug I could even hang on to, not a half hug, or an uncomfortable one that I just want to get out of. I needed him.

We bowed.

We parted.

It feels good to be happy for a moment like this.

I don't have any regrets about tonight. Usually when I am in a situation like that, after it's over I wish I would have said something more, or I wish I hadn't worn that shirt. Everything was perfect. I didn't hide myself from him like I always do with everyone, especially when I'm hurting. For once, I was completely myself. Tonight, I am content.

I think college has taught me that somewhere, in very strange circumstances, there will be someone who will give you a hug.

-Lisa

Don't Forget to Smile Over Me

Remind me not to ask anyone about PSP issues ever again. I'll just figure it out on my own.

It's the forum world again. The realm where everyone gets offended over silly misunderstandings or just because they feel like they're a god and know everything and everyone else should be honored to be scorned by them.

It's true, isn't it?

I've always tried to be very polite and careful in forums and such when I'm asking a question, because I just want an answer and I don't want to have to get involved in that. Well, you just can't stay away from it. Just don't ask questions. Got it?

This was a live-chat IRC thing I was in, and when I asked my question, it basically was ignored. The rules said that they really hate impatient people, so I didn't ask again. I wasn't impatient anyway. This is just a problem that has been lingering around my PSP for a bit, and I thought I would just ask someone rather than spend hours trying to find an answer on my own.

They were busy at the time answering questions for other people who didn't use punctuation and said things like, "i wan some1 with experiments 2 anser my Q...!!!..???!!"

Eventually I just mentioned that I had a question still, and they could just get to me whenever they had a chance.

I guess I thought that was a decent thing to say. I really didn't need an immediate answer, and I didn't want to interupt while someone else was in the middle of something. It's like being on the telephone and having someone trying to talk to you that isn't on the line. It's confusing and annoying.

Well, the response I got was, "Just ask your questions...geez"

Eh, it isn't really a big deal, but I guess I just can't help but be annoyed with people who say things like that when they really hate impatient people. Well, in the end, they didn't give me a good solution, they just sent me a link and moved on. It wasn't the thing I needed.

As I was leaving, an argument was brewing between two others. Something along the lines of, "Well, you're going to have to leave because we don't support hardware modding here." Then, "Oh, so you're just going to end it because you were proven wrong?"

Ridiculous.

I can't understand why people try so hard to fight like that.

----

As for the weekend, it was a little confusing. I had a good time overall. I was away from stupidface school and in a really beautiful town. We did a lot of shopping, and the shower for Erika was really nice. I really enjoyed the ride down too.

There were some stressful points for me, but that's just because I'm so tied to the way I think things should be. I felt a little ignored, because usually Asher just pays attention to me, and we play games all night. Instead, he was talking about "adult" things; things that adults talk a lot about, like the government, politics, money... things that you just complain about but it doesn't make anything better. I guess I still am just a child to him. When he was in college, and I was just a kid in highschool, it's like we were on the same level. I could raise myself up to him in a way. I was usually at that point anyway. My closest friends at the time were people in college. Somehow, I think I was supposed to be there instead of highschool. I was on the same plane.

Now he's married, and I just can't get to him now. Instead of just moving on with him, he's gone to a different place entirely, somewhere I can't get to as I am now. Things were easy before.

I got to talk to my mom about things too. I cried a bit in the car on the way back. It isn't because I'm depressed all the time, it's just that everytime that subject comes up, I get really weak. Nothing was resolved, but she didn't try to push answers at me either. I could just tell her what was on my mind, and that was good.

We talked a little about how we shouldn't worry so much. The pastor was talking about it last Sunday too. Worrying really doesn't help things to not go wrong. We're just making ourselves miserable while we should be enjoying the time where things are okay.

I need to put that in practice more.

This particular situation is different than just worry though. There is a decision. It isn't just that I shouldn't think about it and get worried over it. If I do that, nothing will ever happen. There is a path I have to take, but I don't know what it is. There are choices. I can either choose to make a change in my life, or not do anything and just let it go on the way it is.

It's a noose. There is a rope around my neck, and I have to decide if I'm going to take it off, or if I'm going to wait for someone to do that for me. Will it just fall off? Will it get tighter? Or will it just stay there forever, leaving me to wonder when it's going to kill me.

That's all.

I got my camera this weekend.

-Lisa

Look at what it can do!

Generally Speaking

Overall, it was a pleasant weekend.

Conflicts

I know, it's probably terribly boring to just read about my problems all the time. Lately, I just haven't been able to put my mind to anything else.

School is going to be over soon, which I have really been looking foreward to. I really need to get out of here so I can think. I was imagining myself at home though, and somehow I just didn't get the comfort that I wanted.

My whole life, the safest place to be has been my home. There, I wasn't attacked, and there were people I could relax with, have fun with, and people that could understand and care for me.

Things were going especially well in the spring of 2005. At the time I was still struggling with illness, and I think that was the start of my mom's problems too, but in that time we were able to spend a lot of days just being together and sharing thoughts. I remember going out with her and we would get some fun snacks and a game to bring home.

Then, that ended. For some reason, things just couldn't be the same in my home after that. The change happened about a year later I believe. It was around that time that my sister transfered schools and started living at home. I went absolutely mad. I hated going home after school, because it didn't feel like my territory anymore. I guess I had just really gotten used to the idea of me being the only child in the house. I was the eldest in a way. If you've kept up with my previous posts from that time, I'm sure you might have an idea, if I even portrayed it correctly.

It has been nothing but conflicts since then.

While in highschool, I wanted to go home because I felt so terribly at school, but at the same time I didn't want to go home because I didn't feel like I fit there anymore.

Then, as college approached, I was eager to be able to get out of the house and live on my own, but then again, at the same time, I didn't want to leave what I have always known as home and be thrown into a chaotic world I knew nothing about.

At Christmas time, I got to go home, and I felt like I could start over. Things keep changing though, for me, and for my family. I felt like I grew up, quite considerably, and I felt like I lived better. When I went home, it felt cold and empty. No one was ever home. Kristi was at school all day, and both of my parents were at work until late into the night. I had gone home to see my family, and none of them were there. The house was really a mess, and it looked like many of the items in the house had not been touched since I left, and if they had, they were treated roughly and just thrown back into place because whoever was using it was in a rush to leave. The animals were sad and lonely from the same fact of going from having a family, to being abandoned while the sun was up.
I remember that when my brother returned to the house while he was in college, it was always a big deal to make the house sparkling clean for when he got home, and to make sure his room was clean and ready for him. Everyone got excited. His friends would come over the same night he got in, and they would stay up all night playing games and just being boys.

Maybe I want a life that just isn't meant to be mine. When I come home, there's just dust and emptiness. My family isn't there, and if they are, they are stressed or working or being lazy because they've had so many other things to do.

I don't want to live like that.

My friends aren't around when I come home either. They're too busy for me. "I might get a job," or "I'm only here for a couple weeks, then I'm going to see my friends in whereverland," or "My dad won't let me." Somehow, it just isn't conveinient to have relationships. That's girls just being girls.

I don't care that much though. I've gotten used to it by now. It's painful sometimes though when I know I could make something great, but need the help of friends, and they aren't there, or just don't want to. It's hard enough to get rejections like that, but it's even worse when I know that there is something I love, and something that could be great, but what is a terrific idea is shot down repeatedly. No one could imagine how many plans I've made to create something or ideas I've had that would run so perfectly. Things that could just turn into something so wonderful and creative (speaking mostly of video related things), but they are abandoned.

The things I want to do more than anything, I can't. Do you know how painful that is?

As for family, specifically speaking, there is never food in the house. We don't eat real meals anymore, just TV dinners, or something that can just be quickly heated up. We don't even sit at the table for meals anymore. We used to have lunch too. Dishes pile up and are never cleaned. Washing windows? Does that ever happen anymore? It's too much of a bother to get in the car to go anywhere. Getting dressed in the morning is tiring.

These things aren't really anyone's fault. I just hate that things have changed so much from what they used to be. No one seems to ever have the energy to do anything anymore.

Now, I need to leave. I'm done with this life, and I want to go home. But I'm afraid to go back to something like that. I live a certain way now, and it's differently than the way I used to. It's different from the way my family lives, so it is going to be hard to put those together.

There's a parental issue floating around in my mind to, and this one hurts the most.

First of all, my dad.
All of my life he's continually told me that he has "high hopes" for me. He expects me to do everything right and make all the right decisions and listen to him and take his word on everything. I've basically been okay with that until now too. I completely trust him. He's a brilliant guy, and he has the best advise I've ever heard from anyone. I know he really cares deeply about me too.

This is really hard.

At the same time though, he can't be in my mind. He doesn't know what I'm feeling, and most of the time he really just doens't know the details of what's going on at all. He doesn't really have time for that, so we usually don't tell him. I'm afraid that when I go home he's going to have all of the answers for me. The answers... that I really don't want, I suppose. He's so full of logic, that feelings usually aren't taken into account. Of course, a person shouldn't run on feelings, but they can't be ignored easily either. Sometimes you should be able to be happy... right?

It isn't all the big issues either. There are things that he has always said to me, like, "You need to get outside," or "You shouldn't play games so much." These things are true. All of his you need's and you should's or shouldn't's, are true. But... I don't think I could take it anymore. I'm at a point where I need to be deciding and discovering these things on my own now. Being told things like that just makes you want to defy it all the more. Where I am now, I think it would be degrading too.

I don't know. Maybe he won't say these things to me. But, has he really realized that I'm older now? Does he even want to accept that I can take care of myself now?

As for my mom... this I think will be even more painful to talk about.
We've always.. always been very close. She's been my best friend for years. I've always been able to talk to her about anything.

This is so hard to admit, but things have really changed between us. It's mostly me, and I know that. I don't know if it's just because of what I've gone through this year, or just growing up. Now, when I call her on the phone, I really want to talk to her about serious things, especially since I've been really upset lately. But, now when I get on the phone with her, I just get mad about stuff. I get annoyed with the things she says, or when she changes the topic with something like, "The dog did this today." I don't know if she realizes that I desperately need to cry to someone. Her answers are always something like, "We'll figure it out," or "You just need time to heal." It isn't that I need an answer right now anyway. I just need comfort, and I'm not getting that right now. Sometimes I want to call her because I'm stressed or lonely, but I don't because I know it won't help anyway. I'm out of words to say to her sometimes, and I'm sure she'll just change the topic to something completely unrelated anyway.

Maybe she's just tired of hearing me complain. That's all I ever do around her anymore.

This weekend we're supposed to go to Asher's house. She keeps telling me how excited she is, and I want to be too, but I really just can't get my mind to do that anymore. All I can see right now is how painful it's going to be because we're going to have to talk about the future and then have to move on like we aren't affected by it at all.

I don't understand what I really want anymore, and what will make me happy. I just want things to be the way they were when the only things we had to worry about is picking the raspberries off the bush before the birds got to them.

-Lisa

Stage 1

Somehow I get the feeling that I'm going to be writing a lot in the next couple of days, possibly multiple times a day.

I just had a thought, and it made a couple things a little clearer for me. This has been true for me for a long time, and it's still a major part of how I learn.

When I learn, I want to gain experience and knowledge, simply because I want to be better in that area. Art, video, photography, writing...

I learn because I want to.

When I have to follow a schedule, a lesson plan, and have to be graded on what I'm taking in, I close up. Not on purpose. My mind just shuts down when I am forced to learn something. Even if it is something I want to know, I can't be force fed information. I think this is more true for things I like than things I don't care much about. So many times I've said that I wish I could just sit in on classes and soak everything up. When you are taking a course, your mind is scrambled to take in information quickly so you can spew it back out on a test or paper.

Why do people have to be graded anyway? Is it a bribe? Or just a way to convince people to try hard? Well, I would work without a bribe. I would prefer it.

It's not really that I'm afraid of getting bad grades. I guess in my head it is just too much of a system. Like, 10 points off if you hand this in late. What does that matter? Shouldn't you be looking at the context?

This is only one issue I have with school. This still doesn't complete my big problem, but I guess it's a start in understanding what is going on.

Closed!

-Lisa