I truly am silly person. Or... do other people think like this too?
I traveled all the way to the athletic center this evening to see my TKD master. I meant to write an explanation about what happened with that a long time ago, but never got around to it. This would be a good opportunity to talk about that a bit.
After I move to a different lab. It looks like there might be a class in here soon, and every time I hit the keyboard, it squeaks.
---Time Lapse---
Okay, this lab is much cleaner and quieter. I can almost breathe better in here.
I thought I might be able to take a short break from blogging for a while...
Well, I guess I did. A couple days anyway. Now I have to catch you up on my life again.
I'll start out with tonight, since it's clearest to me.
Again, I went to TKD so I could see my Master. Before winter break, I sent him a letter (or, more accurately, wrote a letter, put it in an envelope, and left it outside the training area for him to see) explaining why I hadn't been there in several weeks.
I have a copy of that letter here...
I know, I probably talk/write too much. I get like that when I'm trying to explain something personal. I so desperately want people to understand me, but I usually end up confusing them.
It's all painfully true. I just... want to be really good... all the time. I don't think I am exceptionally good at all the things I do, but the point is that I really try. With TKD, I just really didn't have the time to work so hard at it, and I would think about it all the time, which really messed with me.
How can you say that? I tried, but I still don't think it came out well.
Master emailed me a little while after with....
"Lisa
Isn't he great? I really miss him. I don't think I've ever really missed someone like this (besides family). He's just become really important to me, and I respect him so much. We're not even close friends. I just feel really connected to him, I guess. Somehow...
The point now is, I have to talk to him. I've been trying since the beginning of the semester, but stupid stuff keeps coming up, like stress from a dumb roommate. It's usually the weather too. It's a really long walk to the athletic center, and it's been terribly cold and windy lately.
I felt so bad though, because I would tell him I was going to be there, and then not end up making it. That's why, even though it's really cold tonight, I'm going no matter what.
Which I did. So why am I back at the academic building typing this up? It turns out that I went unnecessarily early, and had nothing to do. I thought I would just be able to sit and watch, and then talk to him afterwards, except they moved to a different room. It's a raquet ball cage or something. There isn't really room for me to just sit in there, and sitting outside watching would be quite awkward, seeing as how they would all be watching me also.
Coming up is the main reason why I say I'm a silly girl...
I thought, since I didn't have anything to do, I could go somewhere, like the academic building, and just fool around with the computers for a while. Well, I didn't really want to leave. It's just too cold of a walk to travel back and forth like that. Luckily, I picked up a sandwich (the one I say every time I finish that I'm never going to get that kind again) so I could just sit around and eat for a while.
Well, I soon realized that that particular kind of sandwich leaves a really terrible smell emanating from your mouth. Ah, but I'm prepared! Something similar happened a couple days earlier, so I bought plenty of gum for such a situation.
Lately though, my coat pockets have been bloated with keys, candy, a phone, a card, receipts, cash...
I left the gum in my room.
So, what do I do?
Yes, I traveled in the cold to the academic building for gum. I didn't want to scare my Master away, especially after not seeing him for so long.
Silly, silly girl.
Turns out that the bookstore closed about ten minutes ago though. I'll just eat some of this candy and hope the smell goes away soon then. At least now I have something to do.
I'll let you know how it goes tonight.
Other than that, some other interesting things have been going on.
Happy late valentines, by the way.
On V-day, I got to help film a play, "Anton in Show business". That is possibly the best thing that has happened to me this semester, in terms of fun stuff. I actually just got a very random message from a woman named Elainne on facebook saying that she needed help filming. This it kind of my specialty, so I went to the rehearsal night to see what was up.
She was kind of scary, but reminded me of myself what I'm running things like that. Serious, stressed, professional. Nothing ever seemed to go your way, and those crazy theatre people are always trying new things that are really going to mess you up. I knew exactly how she felt.
I showed up the next night, the filming night, and that's where all the action started. I met the Communications instructor, Professor Roach, who was really cool. He kind of had the same type of ... hm ... character that my Master does. They're nothing alike considering personality, so I guess the word character doesn't really fit. But somehow, I guess I look up to him in the same way.
At first, I went over to one of the corner cameras, so I would be getting one of the angled, close-up shots. Then, they decided I should be put in the back, where I would only be getting wide shots and possible panning. That was kind of disappointing, but I guess it was probably for the better anyway. It was pretty hectic at first, because I'd never used such a big camera before. It was awkward too. I'm so small, and it was so huge that it was hard to handle. Plus, when you use the same kind of camera for so long, you just get used to it, so it took me a while to get the hang of this one. Eventually, it became a part of me.
Elainne freaked out for a while because I didn't have a headset. There just wasn't one with the camera. This lead to a few spots of confusion because I had both Professor Roach and Elainne telling me different things. Eventually, when they did find one, it didn't work anyway. Throughout the first part of the play, they had to keep coming in to tell me to zoom in or out, or to adjust the focus.
The hardest part about working under someone is figuring out what they really want. After I caught on, they didn't have to come out anymore. I could just tell. Is this the sign of a good cameraman, or is it just expected?
There was also the issue of me not being one of his students. Apparently, some of his students were there for extra credit, and I was actually filling in one of those spaces that could have been used for someone else. One of the guys got a call from a student who was going to come, and Professor Roach just turned to me and thanked me for coming. That was really depressing. Then he said I could stick around if I wanted to, but they didn't need me anymore. Very depressing. I responded saying that I would like to stay, but if someone else wanted my place, they could. I didn't want to kick someone out of what should be theirs anyway. When the guy finally showed up, they just shuffled some people around so I could still stay on that camera. This made me nervous, but happy still.
It was a lot of fun to be behind a camera again, filming action. During the intermission, Professor Roach came in to check on me, asking if I was alright, if my vision was blurred, or if I ached at all. I liked the fact that I was remembered and cared about. I like being the quiet girl who is talented and sweet.
Whoa, is that vain? I don't know. Maybe... I just like to be appreciated?
At that point though, I did realize how terribly sick I felt. I was like there were 2x4s bolted to my insides. I couldn't move because ever muscle in my stomach tightened up so much. I sipped on the water I had with me, and wondered if I would be able to stand back up.
I did, and while I filmed, the only other pain I noticed was that in my neck and back from trying to see through the awkwardly placed eyepiece.
At the end I got a hug from Elainne and a hand shake from Professor Roach. It was wonderful. Elainne said my shots were right on the mark, and that I should have been working for Professor Roach rather than the people he was paying. I would have liked to have stayed longer, but she told me to scram so I wouldn't have to stick around and pick up equipment. My stomach hurt anyway, and there wasn't anything really left for me to do there. I just wished the moment of being with people like that wouldn't end. I can't wait until the next production. I hope they ask me to film again.
Hm, I guess I should tell you about the car accident we had Friday night. I don't really want to. I've kind of forgotten about it, and I don't want those images to come back,
But you know me. I will anyway.
Kristi came up to visit me for the weekend, and it didn't exactly go as planned. In fact, it started out pretty bad when I left her standing outside my room, waiting for me to come back from wherever for 40 minutes.
Then, when we got in, we decided we'd go to Carousel. Yeah, we could go there. There were so many decisions made in just a couple minutes, and the combination was obviously bad.
The point is, we set out, Kristi, me, Ari. Things were really hectic the whole way, it seemed. I don't even want to talk about it though, so I'm going to skip a couple things.
We were almost there. After getting lost, and actually leaving Syracuse for a bit, we were almost there. Things were so crazy. It seemed loud in the car from people talking, it was suddenly dark, the road was invisible because of countless street and car lights flashing everywhere, and then one wrong move was made.
I could go into terrible detail about the whole incident, but I'd rather just say this.
In my family, it's almost customary that when you are in the car, and the driver doesn't really know where he or she is going, everyone is silent (especially when you are on a highway), and whoever is giving directions gives them loudly and quickly. There is also the tradition that the other passengers in the car watch the road too. If someone says, "Get over," the driver does, fully trusting the speaker.
That's where we had a problem. Ari was telling Kristi she needed to get into the right lane, but said it in a way that made it sound like she was telling her to get over now. I even remember that as soon as we started moving, Ari continued with, ".......whenever you're ready."
Then we hit it. It was on my side.
When you see a car accident in a movie, or when it's described, it's usually, "Everything was in slow motion" and generally it seems really loud and crazy. This wasn't. Everything happened in the same time, but it was terribly quiet, or that's how I remember it at least. I think Kristi may have yelled, or gasped. I just watched, like always. I silently observed. I was ready to be hit from behind too, but that didn't occur.
The girl's car was somehow in front of us then. It was like a smooth object on a kitchen floor, sliding across several lanes. Then, we were on the side of the road. I was calling 911, and Kristi and Ari were out of the car, running to the one that somehow pulled over also, to check on the girl.
We waited forever for the police to come. Meanwhile, Ari talked, Kristi cried, and I waited. None of us seemed entirely conscious of what had just happened. We were painfully aware, but somehow, still not entirely.
Eventually, when the police did come, he wanted us to pull into a parking lot a little ways down the road so they could check on damage and such. Just as we began to pull forward, the other girl's mom pulled out in front of us. This is where Kristi started swearing and crying even more. I wanted to drive for her, but knew I couldn't. Why? I don't really know. We did get to the parking lot, Kristi did calm down, and then we were done. The night went on with Ari continuing to talk about whatever, me acting as though I was perfectly fine, and Kristi feeling ill and occasionally shedding a tear.
Oh yeah, none of us were hurt. The girl in the other car hurt her shoulder, but I think she just hit it on the window. Kristi's right read-view mirror snapped off, although it still barely hung on with the inside wires, and the glass spread across the highway. There was a very small dent, or bend, in the side of the car, and what looked like a very long scratch, was really just paint and dirt from the other car that could be rubbed off. I don't know what the other car looked like.
While at the mall, Francis came up to us and gave me and Kristi hugs saying, "Happy Valentine's Day." He was with a girl, but never introduced her.
It was scary getting back to the dorm afterwards. We duct taped the mirror back up with a baby mirror, that worked terribly at night, inside. Everyone was silent on the way back.
By the end of the weekend, Kristi was basically okay with driving back home. At least then she knew the car would be quiet, and she would know where she's going.
It was terrible though. The accident could have been so much worse. But afterwards, it's like we were wronged somehow. I had this constant feeling of fear. It was like, someone had died, and there wasn't a reason for it. It was just a horrible feeling that just lingered over my head. Fear. That was Fear.
Sorry to leave it at such a bad note, but that's all I have for now.
-Wednesday, 20th-
I missed my Master. Can you believe it? I must really have the times confused at when TKD meets. I was sure that they ended at 7:30, so I left to go back over there at 7. They were cleaning up the equipment, and when I asked, one of the senior belts said that the Master had left quite a while ago.
That hurt a lot. I knew he was in there when I was there before. I could hear him. I never saw him though. It'll be another week before I can even try again (I'm going home tomorrow). It really hurt me so much that I cried on the walk back to my room. I took the long way around, even though it was deathly cold out. I didn't notice until halfway though, and then it didn't really matter anyway. My neck ached by the time I got inside.
I'm sorry, Master.
I really want to see him.
-Lisa
1 comments:
*hugs* I hope you feel better, Lisa. Happy is cuter. :-)
(I'm here if you need anything.)
Post a Comment