Ah, I'm finally at an internet connection, and I don't really have the time to update anything. College life sure is draining. Or maybe I'm just a whimp. But I really feel like I don't have enough time to just sit around, which is what I would like to do a lot of.
For the first day or two ... or three .... I felt really sick. All of my stress went to my stomach. A lot has happened in the past week. Well, two weeks. Let's start with an entry I typed up August 21st.
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Mom, call me at nana’s house
“Grandpa’s dead”
That’s what my mom spewed out after a shocking phone call upon our arrival. We had just returned from a shopping trip, one that I enjoyed very much as it was a time where I have my mom all to myself and we had a chance to do some exploring. We were both very tired as we got home.
Immediately we drove down to Nana’s house and parked among half a dozen other cars of family members. We entered a crowded kitchen. A silent kitchen.
I remember seeing my mom’s face as she blurted out “No!” on the phone. I very quickly thought, “It’s something about Grandpa” but as soon as it entered my mind it escaped. It’s strange how the body works though. Even though I had convinced myself in that second not to worry, I froze and waited for an answer.
I got it in the next second followed by trembling and numbness.
I didn’t really know what to do. As much as I wanted to cry, I couldn’t at that moment. The first thing that slipped out of my mouth was disbelief. “I don’t believe it.” I don’t know if I was denying it or in shock. It’s hard to tell. It took about 2 minutes and halfway down the road for my tear glands to respond. I guess they weren’t ready for this either.
We had all known that he wouldn’t be around for much longer. It’s like, the words “Death” were in our minds. Ever letter was crisp and vivid, but the reality of it was nonexistent. We thought we were ready. I did at least. But God doesn’t work on our calendar.
It almost hurts me that I can’t cry as I write this. Quite frankly, I don’t want to. My feelings are so mixed up that I don’t want to do anything. I guess this is still the after effects of it being so unreal. I just keep doing what I always do in these situations. I pray and then forget about it. I try to.
That’s cold, isn’t it? It’s the only way I can cope. To continue. I don’t want to be around crying people or pictures. For now, I just want to be alone and try to sort out some things.
“Lord, please take care of him.” That is the only thing I can pray.
While other people may have been praying for his recovery through his fight, I couldn’t. I knew that to survive death once would lead to a more tragic death the second time. Right now I don’t even know what I prayed for.
But you know… the whole time my family was together this afternoon, we all kept saying he’s better off. He’s in Heaven, and that is a beautiful thing. It’s something all Christians look forward to, and it’s something I wonder about. We know things for the scriptures, but what is it like to experience it? It’s like reading an advertisement for an amusement park. As exciting as they make it sound with the brochures, you can never fully experience the excitement until you’re there. It’s strange to think that someone so close is actually there now.
I’m still in the dark about things, and I don’t care to know the answers. All I know is that precious man is gone now and that is enough.
How we can become memories so quickly. This morning he made memories. This afternoon he became one.
I’m tired.
-Lisa
I’m tired.
-Lisa
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I'd rather not expound on that for now.
So, college has been quite stressful, but then not too bad. My guts want me to write about all of my classes in painful detail, but for some reason I just can't seem to do it tonight. I want to write down everything, but maybe it's just too hard right now. I have a lot of homework that isn't getting done.
Here, how about some pictures.
This is what I had for breakfast on the first day here. I barely ate any of it though because I was so stressed out. Although, the food in the cafeteria is very good. I think I can live with it. Mmm... french toast.
Before:
After:
There's a reason why there is a before and after shot of my room. You see, before is when I had a roommate for a couple days, and after is after she left and I moved things around.
I couldn't figure out my roommate, and I still can't now that she's gone. When I first met her is was the second evening after freshmen moved in and she was sitting on her bed crying while her boyfriend tried to comfort her. I later found out that she was crying because of stress over the whole moving into a dorm idea. I could relate.
Actually, I related to everything. She was so miserable about the idea of living in a dorm, and at the time I was somewhere close to that category (although I managed to recover). After a couple long talks and what we will call "advise" she eventually decided it would be best for her to commute. I would too if I only lived 20 minutes away.
It was really just a big crisis for a couple days.
So, we were friends. I think mostly because of the long chats and the fact that neither of us had anyone else. We exchanged numbers but the only time we've talked was when she wanted me to bring her books down to her at the front of the building and when she was locked out of the room.
--
It's a little funny so I'm going to type up our phone conversation. Remember, I was in New Jersey at the time.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Lisa? This is Mary. Are you in the room?"
"No, I left for the weekend."
"Yeah, I know. See, my card isn't working for some reason. I don't know why, but I can't get in St. Mary's!"
"Hmm..."
"You know what, wait. -mummble- Okay, well, I was just wondering if you could let me in because my card isn't letting me in and I have no idea why."
"Well, I-"
"Okay, well, thanks. I'll see you in a little bit."
Did she not hear that I said I wasn't around? Well, when I came back Monday evening all of her things were gone (except the trash, a pen and pencil, and the air freshener) so must be she got in somehow. I wonder, why did she call me? Couldn't she have walked in when someone else was going through?
End.
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It's hard to figure out. I liked having her for a roommate because she was generally an easy person to talk to and was (for the most part) considerate. I liked how she kept to herself and wasn't running around the halls screaming or giggling everyone to death. She went to bed fairly early and complained about the people outside the room being too loud.
But then she was also just miserable and whined a lot. But that was just the circumstances too though. She also seemed to only need me when she needed me. It's too bad. I hope I'll see her around.
That's the end of the roommate saga. For now. Until then, I'm in a room by myself. Don't tell anyone. They might put someone else in here and I am quite enjoying the time by myself.
You know what? It's 11:30. I need to do some homework. There's plenty more to come, when I get the chance.
One thing though. Although I am coping, I really want to go home.
-Lisa
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