A Silly Girl She Is

I truly am silly person. Or... do other people think like this too?

I traveled all the way to the athletic center this evening to see my TKD master. I meant to write an explanation about what happened with that a long time ago, but never got around to it. This would be a good opportunity to talk about that a bit.

After I move to a different lab. It looks like there might be a class in here soon, and every time I hit the keyboard, it squeaks.

---Time Lapse---

Okay, this lab is much cleaner and quieter. I can almost breathe better in here.

I thought I might be able to take a short break from blogging for a while...
Well, I guess I did. A couple days anyway. Now I have to catch you up on my life again.

I'll start out with tonight, since it's clearest to me.

Again, I went to TKD so I could see my Master. Before winter break, I sent him a letter (or, more accurately, wrote a letter, put it in an envelope, and left it outside the training area for him to see) explaining why I hadn't been there in several weeks.

I have a copy of that letter here...





I know, I probably talk/write too much. I get like that when I'm trying to explain something personal. I so desperately want people to understand me, but I usually end up confusing them.

It's all painfully true. I just... want to be really good... all the time. I don't think I am exceptionally good at all the things I do, but the point is that I really try. With TKD, I just really didn't have the time to work so hard at it, and I would think about it all the time, which really messed with me.

How can you say that? I tried, but I still don't think it came out well.

Master emailed me a little while after with....

"Lisa

After rereading your letter I am trying to understand your apprehension with coming to TKD.

I watched your technique and you seemed to be enjoying yourself very much. it seems as though you thought that you where not doing well....self confidence.....

I do understand scheduling is sometimes a problem but not doing something you enjoy especially TKD is beyond my understanding.

Martial Arts is something for the individual to grow with. It really doesn't matter what the person next to you looks like it is what you feel like and how strong you get and how you enjoy your experience.

I shake my head not understanding completely. When you return form break perhaps we can talk in person I would very much to understand more about you and your decission.

Your ability in TKD was very strong.

If you would like I would like very much to talk. I am not trying to convince you to do something you are not interested in butmore to understand your apprehension.

Enjoy your break : )

Master B Schirripa"

Isn't he great? I really miss him. I don't think I've ever really missed someone like this (besides family). He's just become really important to me, and I respect him so much. We're not even close friends. I just feel really connected to him, I guess. Somehow...

The point now is, I have to talk to him. I've been trying since the beginning of the semester, but stupid stuff keeps coming up, like stress from a dumb roommate. It's usually the weather too. It's a really long walk to the athletic center, and it's been terribly cold and windy lately.

I felt so bad though, because I would tell him I was going to be there, and then not end up making it. That's why, even though it's really cold tonight, I'm going no matter what.

Which I did. So why am I back at the academic building typing this up? It turns out that I went unnecessarily early, and had nothing to do. I thought I would just be able to sit and watch, and then talk to him afterwards, except they moved to a different room. It's a raquet ball cage or something. There isn't really room for me to just sit in there, and sitting outside watching would be quite awkward, seeing as how they would all be watching me also.

Coming up is the main reason why I say I'm a silly girl...

I thought, since I didn't have anything to do, I could go somewhere, like the academic building, and just fool around with the computers for a while. Well, I didn't really want to leave. It's just too cold of a walk to travel back and forth like that. Luckily, I picked up a sandwich (the one I say every time I finish that I'm never going to get that kind again) so I could just sit around and eat for a while.

Well, I soon realized that that particular kind of sandwich leaves a really terrible smell emanating from your mouth. Ah, but I'm prepared! Something similar happened a couple days earlier, so I bought plenty of gum for such a situation.

Lately though, my coat pockets have been bloated with keys, candy, a phone, a card, receipts, cash...

I left the gum in my room.

So, what do I do?

Yes, I traveled in the cold to the academic building for gum. I didn't want to scare my Master away, especially after not seeing him for so long.

Silly, silly girl.

Turns out that the bookstore closed about ten minutes ago though. I'll just eat some of this candy and hope the smell goes away soon then. At least now I have something to do.

I'll let you know how it goes tonight.

Other than that, some other interesting things have been going on.

Happy late valentines, by the way.

On V-day, I got to help film a play, "Anton in Show business". That is possibly the best thing that has happened to me this semester, in terms of fun stuff. I actually just got a very random message from a woman named Elainne on facebook saying that she needed help filming. This it kind of my specialty, so I went to the rehearsal night to see what was up.

She was kind of scary, but reminded me of myself what I'm running things like that. Serious, stressed, professional. Nothing ever seemed to go your way, and those crazy theatre people are always trying new things that are really going to mess you up. I knew exactly how she felt.

I showed up the next night, the filming night, and that's where all the action started. I met the Communications instructor, Professor Roach, who was really cool. He kind of had the same type of ... hm ... character that my Master does. They're nothing alike considering personality, so I guess the word character doesn't really fit. But somehow, I guess I look up to him in the same way.

At first, I went over to one of the corner cameras, so I would be getting one of the angled, close-up shots. Then, they decided I should be put in the back, where I would only be getting wide shots and possible panning. That was kind of disappointing, but I guess it was probably for the better anyway. It was pretty hectic at first, because I'd never used such a big camera before. It was awkward too. I'm so small, and it was so huge that it was hard to handle. Plus, when you use the same kind of camera for so long, you just get used to it, so it took me a while to get the hang of this one. Eventually, it became a part of me.

Elainne freaked out for a while because I didn't have a headset. There just wasn't one with the camera. This lead to a few spots of confusion because I had both Professor Roach and Elainne telling me different things. Eventually, when they did find one, it didn't work anyway. Throughout the first part of the play, they had to keep coming in to tell me to zoom in or out, or to adjust the focus.

The hardest part about working under someone is figuring out what they really want. After I caught on, they didn't have to come out anymore. I could just tell. Is this the sign of a good cameraman, or is it just expected?

There was also the issue of me not being one of his students. Apparently, some of his students were there for extra credit, and I was actually filling in one of those spaces that could have been used for someone else. One of the guys got a call from a student who was going to come, and Professor Roach just turned to me and thanked me for coming. That was really depressing. Then he said I could stick around if I wanted to, but they didn't need me anymore. Very depressing. I responded saying that I would like to stay, but if someone else wanted my place, they could. I didn't want to kick someone out of what should be theirs anyway. When the guy finally showed up, they just shuffled some people around so I could still stay on that camera. This made me nervous, but happy still.

It was a lot of fun to be behind a camera again, filming action. During the intermission, Professor Roach came in to check on me, asking if I was alright, if my vision was blurred, or if I ached at all. I liked the fact that I was remembered and cared about. I like being the quiet girl who is talented and sweet.

Whoa, is that vain? I don't know. Maybe... I just like to be appreciated?

At that point though, I did realize how terribly sick I felt. I was like there were 2x4s bolted to my insides. I couldn't move because ever muscle in my stomach tightened up so much. I sipped on the water I had with me, and wondered if I would be able to stand back up.

I did, and while I filmed, the only other pain I noticed was that in my neck and back from trying to see through the awkwardly placed eyepiece.

At the end I got a hug from Elainne and a hand shake from Professor Roach. It was wonderful. Elainne said my shots were right on the mark, and that I should have been working for Professor Roach rather than the people he was paying. I would have liked to have stayed longer, but she told me to scram so I wouldn't have to stick around and pick up equipment. My stomach hurt anyway, and there wasn't anything really left for me to do there. I just wished the moment of being with people like that wouldn't end. I can't wait until the next production. I hope they ask me to film again.

Hm, I guess I should tell you about the car accident we had Friday night. I don't really want to. I've kind of forgotten about it, and I don't want those images to come back,

But you know me. I will anyway.

Kristi came up to visit me for the weekend, and it didn't exactly go as planned. In fact, it started out pretty bad when I left her standing outside my room, waiting for me to come back from wherever for 40 minutes.

Then, when we got in, we decided we'd go to Carousel. Yeah, we could go there. There were so many decisions made in just a couple minutes, and the combination was obviously bad.

The point is, we set out, Kristi, me, Ari. Things were really hectic the whole way, it seemed. I don't even want to talk about it though, so I'm going to skip a couple things.

We were almost there. After getting lost, and actually leaving Syracuse for a bit, we were almost there. Things were so crazy. It seemed loud in the car from people talking, it was suddenly dark, the road was invisible because of countless street and car lights flashing everywhere, and then one wrong move was made.

I could go into terrible detail about the whole incident, but I'd rather just say this.

In my family, it's almost customary that when you are in the car, and the driver doesn't really know where he or she is going, everyone is silent (especially when you are on a highway), and whoever is giving directions gives them loudly and quickly. There is also the tradition that the other passengers in the car watch the road too. If someone says, "Get over," the driver does, fully trusting the speaker.

That's where we had a problem. Ari was telling Kristi she needed to get into the right lane, but said it in a way that made it sound like she was telling her to get over now. I even remember that as soon as we started moving, Ari continued with, ".......whenever you're ready."

Then we hit it. It was on my side.

When you see a car accident in a movie, or when it's described, it's usually, "Everything was in slow motion" and generally it seems really loud and crazy. This wasn't. Everything happened in the same time, but it was terribly quiet, or that's how I remember it at least. I think Kristi may have yelled, or gasped. I just watched, like always. I silently observed. I was ready to be hit from behind too, but that didn't occur.

The girl's car was somehow in front of us then. It was like a smooth object on a kitchen floor, sliding across several lanes. Then, we were on the side of the road. I was calling 911, and Kristi and Ari were out of the car, running to the one that somehow pulled over also, to check on the girl.

We waited forever for the police to come. Meanwhile, Ari talked, Kristi cried, and I waited. None of us seemed entirely conscious of what had just happened. We were painfully aware, but somehow, still not entirely.

Eventually, when the police did come, he wanted us to pull into a parking lot a little ways down the road so they could check on damage and such. Just as we began to pull forward, the other girl's mom pulled out in front of us. This is where Kristi started swearing and crying even more. I wanted to drive for her, but knew I couldn't. Why? I don't really know. We did get to the parking lot, Kristi did calm down, and then we were done. The night went on with Ari continuing to talk about whatever, me acting as though I was perfectly fine, and Kristi feeling ill and occasionally shedding a tear.

Oh yeah, none of us were hurt. The girl in the other car hurt her shoulder, but I think she just hit it on the window. Kristi's right read-view mirror snapped off, although it still barely hung on with the inside wires, and the glass spread across the highway. There was a very small dent, or bend, in the side of the car, and what looked like a very long scratch, was really just paint and dirt from the other car that could be rubbed off. I don't know what the other car looked like.

While at the mall, Francis came up to us and gave me and Kristi hugs saying, "Happy Valentine's Day." He was with a girl, but never introduced her.

It was scary getting back to the dorm afterwards. We duct taped the mirror back up with a baby mirror, that worked terribly at night, inside. Everyone was silent on the way back.

By the end of the weekend, Kristi was basically okay with driving back home. At least then she knew the car would be quiet, and she would know where she's going.

It was terrible though. The accident could have been so much worse. But afterwards, it's like we were wronged somehow. I had this constant feeling of fear. It was like, someone had died, and there wasn't a reason for it. It was just a horrible feeling that just lingered over my head. Fear. That was Fear.

Sorry to leave it at such a bad note, but that's all I have for now.


-Wednesday, 20th-

I missed my Master. Can you believe it? I must really have the times confused at when TKD meets. I was sure that they ended at 7:30, so I left to go back over there at 7. They were cleaning up the equipment, and when I asked, one of the senior belts said that the Master had left quite a while ago.

That hurt a lot. I knew he was in there when I was there before. I could hear him. I never saw him though. It'll be another week before I can even try again (I'm going home tomorrow). It really hurt me so much that I cried on the walk back to my room. I took the long way around, even though it was deathly cold out. I didn't notice until halfway though, and then it didn't really matter anyway. My neck ached by the time I got inside.

I'm sorry, Master.

I really want to see him.

-Lisa

The Seas Beyond - A Failure?

So much has happened this past week. I don't really know where to start. Everyday had new, very intense feelings. I was broken, several times.

This is hard. I don't really want to talk about it. I don't want to rememeber, because it's really painful, but I don't want to forget either.

I guess I should start where I left off.

Ugh, I don't want to do this. This is going to take a long time. Come on, Lisa.

I suppose I should write down why my blog is locked right now. For now, I just need to get my thoughts sorted out. I don't want to have to worry about what I'm saying, and if it would hurt anyone. I just want to throw down my thoughts, so I can get rid on them.

Okay, I have to make an outline here. My mind feel so muddled today, that I don't even know if this is going to make sense. I'm usually quite organized, or so I think. But today, for some reason, I can't concentrate. Maybe it's this headache. Maybe it's because I was up until 4A.M. again.

-The purpose of my blog-
-Sam and Kayla-
-Counselor experience-
-Dropping Japanese-
-Finding Jessica-
-Moving-
-The last straw-
-The future-



-The purpose of my blog-

I'd already tried to talk about that a little bit, but I'll make it official here, and hopefully clearer.

This is my diary. It's very personal. Why do I have it on the internet then?

To be honest, I'm not exactly sure. For some reason, it feels so much more satisfying to have my thoughts out of what is just my head. Even if I just wrote things down in a book, it would still be like my feelings are locked away somewhere. At least here, even if my thoughts aren't even read by anyone, it's like there is still someone... someone I don't know ... who feels everything I do, and understands and sympathizes with me. There is someone who just wants to know.

I don't even know if that sounds right. It's like, even now, with my blog locked, it doesn't feel right. Even though I'm pretty sure that the people I've invited to view my blog are the only people who read it, I still feel like it should be available for my imaginary friend. This friend is someone who doesn't hold things against me, who doesn't even know me. It just accepts. Rather than learning things, it knows, and feels. It can always understand where I'm coming from.

I guess I need to think about this more.

There's another thing I want to make clear about the purpose of this blog.

I need, more than anything else, to write down exactly how I'm feeling. It wouldn't do any good for me to censor my thoughts. If I were to only partially explain how I feel, what good would that do? When I am only holding onto a thread, should I really have to be concerned about what thoughts I should reveal?

The point is to fully spill out my feelings. Otherwise, there isn't an use for this page. Do you understand?

The things I write here are very true. When I say that I'm desperate, I very much am. When I say I'm really sick of being mothered by people, I am.

Does that sounds brutal? Well, before I redeem myself, first I have to go to the next section.

-Sam and Kayla-

So, I got in a bit of trouble with my previous post, which is why I'm telling you all this. Let me tell you this. I don't write things here to hurt people. If I wanted to hurt someone, I would say things to their face. But I don't want to hurt people. I want to figure out things for myself, feel, and then let it go. You can't stop a feeling. Rather than feeling something, and keeping it quiet, I just need to write it down. Is that so wrong?

Previously, I complained about Kayla, saying things that, in my mind, were true. I guess it was harsh, but I can't say I didn't mean it. I did. And I made it clear of what I was thinking.

The problem is that sometimes these things are taken to heart too quickly. At times, I say things when I'm mad about something for several reasons. This doesn't mean that the words I write can be cast off saying I don't really mean it though.

This is hard to explain....

With this, I sift through things thuroughly(for the most part). It's not like in daily life where when something is said, you wonder, "What do they mean by that?" This is me, completely.

More specifically, at the time I wrote that post, I was extremely confused and I was definately struggling with more than I could handle. I really just wanted to yell at someone I guess. I'm not saying that I was angry and just took it out on her though. I was tired of her telling me what I should do. Even at the time, I knew she was just trying to look out for me, but that wasn't what I needed. I just needed someone to listen, and understand. I talked to so many people about what was going on, and I was really sick of hearing the things I should or shouldn't be doing.

I guess the biggest problem was that she didn't fully understand what was going on, and I wasn't willing to tell her, or anyone, at the time.

I don't hate her, and I hope she doesn't hate me now. I didn't hate her at the time either. I was just really frustrated with everything. Let me tell you, of the 10 pages I wrote, my complaints about her only took up 2 sentances, so, it couldn't have been too bad.

That kind of bring me to another point.

10 pages. I wrote a really long entry about how I basically just wanted to die, and then my friends picked out the tiniest section that hurt them and told me how I shouldn't have said it.

That was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. Specifically, I had just gotten back from a class and a message from Sam was on my screen saying something about how long ago I was blunt with her about the way she was acting at the time, so now she was going to return the favor by telling me that what I said about Kayla was extremely rude.

That really killed me. Through everything else, a mistake was found, and I was punished for it. There was more to the message, but I immediately broke down and I don't know what the rest was. My body seemed to ....

Main Entry: implode
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: collapse inward
Synonyms: cave in, fall down, fall in, fold, fold up
Notes: explode is to blow up from a confined area outwards; implode means blow inwards, as a lightbulb does when it burns out

Implode doesn't sounds the like right word, but it has the right definition. All I can think of is the way dough looks when you knead it inward to the center. Pulled? Like my insides were taken by long hands and kneaded into themselves. Imagine bread though, not innards. That's gross.

I wanted to break away from everything at that moment. All I could think of was to shut off AIM, and I nearly shut down my blog right then. I think locking it was a better choice though, because I still have a place to be safe.

At that moment, I cried so much, I couldn't speak. I had my mom call me. I've never felt so utterly alone. All I really remember of the time was me repeating something like, "Of everything else I said, they picked that out." It was just devastating to have gone to such lengths to describe my situation and how sickeningly wrong things were at the time, and to have my friends get mad at me.

For now, things seemed to have calmed down. Although, I was really broken over this for days. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't think of anything else except how now matter where I went, I couldn't belong or be safe. It wasn't until I received another message from Sam that I started feeling better. Kayla still hasn't talked to me at all. I'd rather not get into that right now though. I can't right now.

Sam also sent me an email before all of this, asking me to explain some things that deal with her relationship with her husband to be. It's kind of an important topic, seeing as how they're going to be together in a lot of things...

I don't really know what I want to say. I guess I should write back soon. There is just so much going on right now, and I want to make sure I say exactly what I want.

So, the point is, read this, take it to heart, understand that these are my thoughts, and I'm granting you access to them. Other people have thoughts that will probably make you hate them, but they just keep them hidden. Take it, but don't bring it out of where it should be. These thoughts belong on this page, and this page only.

I feel like Harriet the Spy, when someone stole her notebook. At the beginning of the movie, the audience accepts the way she describes her friends. It's truth. But, when the narration turns into plot, the descriptions are seen as a horrible act done by her. Do you see my point?

-Counselor experience-

It turns out that I did ever one of the options that were listed for me by Ann in Residence Life. One of them was couseling.

I hated that a lot. When I was in highschool, I went through a lot, and I remember wanted to be able to go to a couselor to talk about what I was feeling. I felt really alone, and I wanted to be able to tell someone about it.

Apparently, a few things have changed about me since then, or maybe it's just because this is a different situation. I really just didn't want to talk to anyone else about my situation. So many people already knew, and they couldn't help. So many people already knew and I just didn't want to have to talk about it anymore.

Well, I went anyway, and I cried again. She was so pushy about needed to know everything. She asked me what I wanted to do about the situation, and all I could say is I didn't know. Well, I didn't. If I knew what I could do to solve everything, I wouldn't have been there. The only things I really wanted more than anything was to live by myself. But, somehow, something so simple was just impossible for me.

So, she asked again. And again. I think this is the point where I started crying.

I guess I always thought that counselors were supposed to just listen to you, and feel bad for you. They would sympathize with you, because no one else would.

Instead, she did what everyone else was doing. Telling me what to do(even after I explained to her that people are always making me do things that I don't want to do, and I hate it), and saying things like, "It's the college experience," "You need to learn to...", "You can't just..."

That didn't get anywhere. Even when I brought up the idea that I seriously have a problem, her response was that I could never have a single, even for a medical reason, simply because there was no room.

It was really ridiculous, and I don't think I'll ever go to one ever again.

That was really the short version. I don't want to get too deep into it.

This has been such a terrible experience. I often told my mom, "Even if somehow I could magically get a room to myself, right now, I don't think I could get out of this depression I'm in."

-Dropping Japanese-

On the night that Roommate had her boyfriend over from 3 am on, and I didn't sleep at all, I spent quite a bit of time on the phone with my mom(it was 5 am). After a lot of crying, stressing, crying, and letting peices of my soul crumble, we both decided that I needed to drop my Japanese language class. No, I'm not a quitter. But, this was impossible for me, especially at the time. Everyday I would study for 7 hours, and somehow still fail the quizzes.

Well, I was just getting really stressed out by it, and I already know that it was impossible for me to pass this semester, especially with everything else going on.

I guess that's the end of that.

Not really. I'll be starting over next semester, which will be a pain. Why do we have to take three semesters of a language anyway? By the time I get back to Japanese II, everyone else will be done. This is going to be really hard...

-Intermission-

My tounge feels weird today. Almost like it's burnt, or I've piled salt on top of it. Hm....

"I listen to music to know that I am not alone" -Shonen Knife

Green
Green is the color of nature. It symbolizes growth, harmony, freshness, and fertility. Green has strong emotional correspondence with safety. Dark green is also commonly associated with money.

Green has great healing power. It is the most restful color for the human eye; it can improve vision. Green suggests stability and endurance. Sometimes green denotes lack of experience; for example, a 'greenhorn' is a novice. In heraldry, green indicates growth and hope. Green, as opposed to red, means safety; it is the color of free passage in road traffic.

Use green to indicate safety when advertising drugs and medical products. Green is directly related to nature, so you can use it to promote 'green' products. Dull, darker green is commonly associated with money, the financial world, banking, and Wall Street.

Dark green is associated with ambition, greed, and jealousy.
Yellow-green can indicate sickness, cowardice, discord, and jealousy.
Aqua is associated with emotional healing and protection.
Olive green is the traditional color of peace.


Purple
Purple combines the stability of blue and the energy of red. Purple is associated with royalty. It symbolizes power, nobility, luxury, and ambition. It conveys wealth and extravagance. Purple is associated with wisdom, dignity, independence, creativity, mystery, and magic.

According to surveys, almost 75 percent of pre-adolescent children prefer purple to all other colors. Purple is a very rare color in nature; some people consider it to be artificial.

Light purple is a good choice for a feminine design. You can use bright purple when promoting children's products.

Light purple evokes romantic and nostalgic feelings.
Dark purple evokes gloom and sad feelings. It can cause frustration.




I like the description of purple, how they say is is associated with creativity, mystery, and magic. I also like the idea that dark purple can cause frustration. That seems likely. It's a nice color, but it really does give that feeling, don't you think?



By the way, I got this information from http://www.color-wheel-pro.com/color-meaning.html



Are there any good anime films I can look forward to in 2008? It seems like all the BEST films ever.... I've already seen. Several times. I'll probably watch them many more times too, but I was just curious to know if anything good was ever going to be produced again.

--- (Feb 13th 2008)
I'm worried about work, and it's over something really silly. It's just that I feel like I don't do much, and people are mad at me about it. Like right now, I'm on work hours until 4:30, but what am I doing? Writing. But, I work about 12 hours a week, and sometimes there just isn't enough work to cover that amount of time. I usually sign in, do the faculty printers, and then get some lunch. Sounds really lame, but I can't do anything else because at that time in the day all of the labs have classes and I can't go in anyway. That's one of the major problems. I don't know when the labs are open. Last semester I worked in the mornings, so there usually weren't people around. But now, people are in labs all the time because it's afternoon/evening. It's just kind of rough right now.

Today I walked into the office while Joan(my boss) was having a meeting in her little box-space. I didn't really pay attention. I had to get the key, but waited, overlooking my schedule. When people came out(they all looked really grumpy, by the way) I went in. Joan very coldly asked, "What about you?" and dumbly, I responded, "What about me?" She asked me if I heard anything and told me that everything that goes on in that office is confidential. I was kind of scared and confused, like I had done something really wrong. I didn't though. I didn't hear anything, or try to.

Joan is usually really nice to me, but lately she seems cranky, and doesn't really want to have anything to do with me.

I keep getting the feeling that no one likes me in there either. They're all used to working with each other, because they're all in the office all the time, but I always just fly in and out. No one in there talks to me. Jake used to. I kind of miss him. He used to pick on me and tell me to quiet down and not come to work drunk all the time(I didn't, he just wanted to try to get me to laugh). He noticed that I'm really shy, and wanted to make me feel better. He was the only one in there that ever made an effort to acknowledge me. Even at the christmas party, he asked me to sit by him.

But now he's gone. He joined the army. It's really lonely at work...

He's on the right.



This photo really scared me. It still kind of gives me an uneasy feeling. You see pictures of army guys all the time, and they're always carrying big guns. But... when you know the guy, it's different. Honestly, the first thought it my head was, "You don't have to use that, do you?" Of course he does. Even if he didn't use it at the time... he knows how.

By the way, the photo is from 2004. Right now he's in California.

---

[By the way, just so you don't get confused, I wanted to let you know that I've been writing this post for several days now. It's a long one, and I don't have much time, so I can only write so much in a day. It should still mostly make sense though.]

I'm in one of the computer labs right now, and this guy that just say down next to me keep looking at me. Weeeird. I think it's an old guy. I can't really tell, because I don't want to look over at him.

Oh... he just got up to go to the printer...

Oh man! He looks like the guy on Murder She Wrote! From the episode about the highschool kid that had his music scores stolen.

Episode #57
Feb. 08--Murder in a Minor Key
Guests: Shaun Cassidy, Paul Clemens, Herbert Edelman, Dinah Manoff
Synopsis: Jessica narrates her latest novel: the story of three bright graduate students who find themselves involved in plagiarism and murder.

-End Intermission-

-Finding Jessica-

This is where things started getting better. After I finally made the decision that I needed to move out, no matter what, I met a girl, Jessica.

I was in lunch the day that I was going to pick a new, random, unknown, girl to live with, when a guy came up to me and asked if I'd like to join him and a girl for lunch(I was eating alone, like always). He did it in an almost silly way. You wouldn't think so. It sounds normal, but somehow, it was silly.

This was a chance to make some friends. Finally! Maybe I wouldn't have to be alone so much anymore.

I did sit with them, and surprisingly, we even talked. They introduced themselves, Anthony and Jessica. We mostly talked about classes and what our majors were. It was kind of like an interview, because I was the unknown one. There were questions like, "How many classes do you have," "Do you play any sports," "Do you live around here..."

That was fine with me though. I like it when people ask me things, because that means they want to know me. Hmm.. it's hard to remember exactly what else happened, but it was fun. Not capture-the-flag fun, but I'm-not-sitting-by-myself fun. Which is good.

Before Anthony left, he said he didn't want us to have a hallway relationship. He explained to me that that meant we would just be aquaintences, someone you see in the hall and say "Hi" to. He wanted to be friends. Heh, he's silly.

Then, it was just Jessica and I left at the table(at the time I was supposed to be working, but I wasn't about to let that mess up my opportunity to makes friends). We started talking about other things, like dorm life. At the time, I couldn't really think of anything but that dumb roommate of mine, and she seemed to always pop up in conversations.

I don't mind interupting myself to say I hate her a lot.

We chatted about how we both have loud roommates, and how neither of us get much sleep over it. Neither of us like to watch TV, and we need to have our silence and space.

The fog was starting to disappear...

What else was said, I can't remember. It doesn't really matter I suppose. We exchanged AIM names, which was very important for what came next, and I'm sure you can guess.

Usually, when something like this happens, I don't like to take the initiative, and if I do, I do so quietly, and politely. After all I had been through though, I went right back to my room and messaged her asking if we could room together. I liked how I did it, and it was quite aggressive of me. I just left her a message saying I had a question for her, and then spit it all out. I didn't even put in my usual, "Don't worry about it if..." and "I'll do this for you..." I got to the point and left it there. My plan was to save the conversation, but my computer shut down without consent again, so I lost it.

But you know what? She said she was thinking the same thing. I immediately wrote to Roommate (yes, I wrote to her. I didn't actually speak to her) and asked her if she wanted to move back to Dablon. I actually have that series of notes here.

I barely even used any tact, like I usually do, because I have learned that when you deal with stupid people, you can't write a lot. They just don't get it.

Hey Alyssa,

I just wanted to mention this to you in case you're interested.

There is a girl in Dablon that said she wished she could move in with me and said if you wanted you could switch places with her. She lives in a corner room right now with one girl, so there is a lot of room. I thought you might be interested because I've heard you say that you liked Dablon.

Let me know what you think. If you decide you like the idea of a bigger room over there, I could help you move things.-Lisa

I don't care but whos the girl I would be living with...I don't wanna sign my self up for a slob or anything!! Ps I like how we message each other. lol hahaha cuz were not in the same room or anything! haha cool just let me kno who the person is or what eve cuz these walks are really startin piss me off...I didn't get fat by walkin everywhere! thanks K bYe

Hah, yeah. I IM people that I'm sitting next to a lot of the time.I'm still waiting to find out her name, but for now I at least know that she lives in 402. I'll let you know when I find out.By the way, don't worry about it if you don't want to move in with her. I can move in with this girl in a different room. I just thought I would mention it because I know you like Dablon.-Lisa

I just found out that her name is Camille. I don't know her last name.

2b honest I really don't feel like packin my stuff up and movin, but if u move in with that other girl who would move in this rm.

I don't know.

If it's moving you're worried about, Jessica offered to move your stuff with her car.

I just really don't feel like moving...I have already moved 4 times this year in and out of dorms, if u wanna move do ur thing but I'm not packin my things up.

Okay, sorry. I just thought you liked it there. I'll be moving out this weekend then.

COOL!

Well, it could have been perfect. By the way, I'll say it again. I hate her so much.

Was this not all in our best interests? She kicked me out of my own room. The one thing I wanted... needed... more than anything else, was to just live in my room alone. How is it that some imaginary rules made it so I was miserable and tortured for weeks, and she got what was so impossible for me?

This is what she wanted from the beginning.

Anyway, I'm just glad I met Jessica. Oh yeah, she likes video games. Mostly fighting and racing(snowboarding), but when I asked her if she liked RPGs, like Final Fantasy, she said definatly.

After this whole process began, we both got really excited. It was so funny to see her around because she was so giggly and just couldn't wait.

We finally got the keys, and began moving. Because Dumb didn't want to move, Jessica and I just ended up moving to a different room together in St. Mary's. I miss the 5th floor. Things were familiar and quieter there. I miss living next to Emelin and she missed me too("for several reasons"). She said that the other day, Roommate was playing her music so loud that she didn't hear Emelin when she knocked five seperate times. Eventually, when Emelin just started pounding on the door, Roommate flew out and very rudely exclaimed, "What?!"

"She has such an attitude" - Emelin

-Moving-

This took forever. Or, at least until 4 AM. It was so much work, and we were exhausted, but it was somehow fun at the same time. That was just Jessica's stuff too. I didn't get around to my stuff until the next day, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

It took forever because, like me, Jessica has a lot of stuff. It made me feel a little better, actually. We just started bagging things and piling them outside the elevator. We moved an entire room in 6 hours. Non-stop. Whew.

On the last trip back to the room, we got some pizza from the scummy pizza place and celebrated our new room/mate. It was like we were moving into an apartment, or something equally exciting. It was really nice to be happy about something with someone again.

-The last straw-

I don't really want to talk about this a lot. I really just want to wrap this up, but this is necessary to say.

The deal was that Jessica and I had to be out of our old rooms by Monday at 4:00 when we turned our keys in. This means that we still lived in those rooms until that time.

So, how is it at all decent of my roommate to push all of my things into a corner that same night that I got the new room? She still has no right to ever touch any of my things. She shoved everything into what used to be my closet, including things off my wall. I still had things on my bed, like clothes, and crackers which she just rolled all up like a swiss cake roll. She moved my table in front of the door with my electronics on it. In fact, I couldn't even get in the door because she had the chain on it.

What
a
jerk.

This is mostly the reason why in my title it has, "A failure?" I feel as though I failed. I feel better, but I lost to her. She got just what she wanted.

That really just killed me. I was so mad at her, I just went insane for a while. Before I even had half of my things out of the room, she had things rearranged so I couldn't even recognize the room anymore. Her music was up incredibly loud, and so was her TV(more than usual even). It's like she was just waiting to finally get me out of there. She was just waiting for the moment where she finally drove me so totally nuts that I just wanted to die.

That made it clear to me that she had that in her head since the first day.

I'm gonna make that white girl's life so miserable, she'll just have to leave.

I hate her. :]



-The future-

So, what now?

Things are getting better. I feel like doing things again. I'm going to class. I'm doing my homework. I'm writing.

I am still in some sort of after-war shock though. I get really depressed sometimes, and just don't even want to breathe. But, for now, I'm doing okay.

Thanks everyone. I know I had a lot of people praying for me. I felt so alone, but it's good to know that out there, beyond this hell, there are people waiting for me.

-Lisa

I feel sad. You're sad? Yeah.

I don't really want to talk about anything. A lot has happened, and I don't care to talk about it right now. I would have earlier, but I didn't get around to it.

I'm depressed. No one can help me. No one understands. They think they're helping solve the problem, but they aren't.

What problem?

I don't even know.

I'm sick.

I don't want to sleep.

I don't want to go anywhere.

I don't want to be anywhere.

My mind is dry.

I don't want to be.

I guess that's all.

-Lisa

Plagerism

While reading an assignment for english, I came across the definition of plagerism described as such: "the wrongful act of taking the product of another person's mind". I guess I had better tell where I got that. It's from the MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers by Joseph Gibaldi. This particular quote doesn't really have any significance in my life right now, I just like the way he worded it.