July 13th, 2008
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I’m sitting here in the sticky heat of wet summer. When the sun is high and the sky is bright and clear, I can handle heat more intense than this. But, when the day’s temperature is weighed down by clouds and rain, the pressure closes in on my brain and wraps it’s fat fingers around my neck. Part of me wants to just lay down and close my eyes, but I can’t. I don’t know why, exactly. It would be nice to just rest for a while and get this day over in hopes of tomorrow bringing better weather and feelings.
Somehow, it’s been a good day though. The past few days have been nice. I don’t know if it has been a change in myself, or in those around me. As for today, I enjoyed seeing people I’ve been close with over the years. I talked to Bentley and Taylor for a little while after the pastor’s sermon, and we decided that we should do something next week, even if it’s just watching a movie. It’s been years since I did something with just the two of them. Sam is usually my connection with them. If I can, I’ll get a hold of her and see if she can stop by too, but it will probably be when she’s gone to Boston. We used to do a lot of stuff together, and I even remember a time when we were all quite a bit younger that they were either mad at me or Sam because when Sam moved here, I spent most of my time with just her. But, times changed, and eventually we all did things together for a while. I spoke through Sam a lot though. If I wanted Bentley or Taylor to come along for something, I’d have Sam contact them because I didn’t feel like a close enough friend to even call.
I guess it was just complicated. Things usually are in friendship.
Bentley is going to be a Senior when school starts again in September. She’s so old now! It’s strange to see someone making plans for what they are going to do the rest of their lives when you can remember when they were crawling around on the floor, squealing and trying to escape the wrath of the invisible lava in the living room. I wonder what she’s going to major in when she goes to college. I wonder what college she’s going to go to. Can she handle it?
Taylor mentioned something today about getting ready for a basketball camp in hopes of being able to play in college. I guess that’s what made me realize that the two of them were really growing up.
You know, I think the baby in a family is forced to grow up faster than their older siblings. When their older brother or sister is preparing for college, the youngest child see that and learns from watching the experiences. Then, when they go to prepare, they are already aware of these things, and know how to make better choices. I say this because of the way I’ve grown up, and because Taylor seems to be thinking further ahead than what Bentley did when she was that age. I suppose it must just be a natural process, for those who care to take part.
I got to see Shannon and Amanda for a bit too. We didn’t talk much, but they did express how absolutely bored they are to me. We’re going to try to hang out a bit too. It’s about time I got out to see some old friends. Summer is only half over.
Who knows, maybe someone will come with us to Syracuse yet.
I still have to ask dad about taking the van instead of us using Kristi’s car. I don’t think it should be a problem, but I still don’t want to ask. The van would be much safer than that silly purple car that rattles and belches at random. “Oh, I hope the wheels stay on.” I’d also feel more comfortable as the driver, though I wish she would still be able to if she had to. You see, no one else can drive her car because of the “tricks” (although I‘m sure I have driven it before). But, taking the van, I can drive, but she can’t. She’s too short to see. That should still be alright though. There shouldn’t be a need for her to drive. That also means we can actually go places and stay out late. YES. NIGHT DRIVING. I’m not afraid of driving at night, but I am cautious. It’ll be different since we’ll be on a highway, but it has to be done. Why should other people be able to do it all the time, and I be scared? That’s why I’m not.
So, we’ll be heading to Oswego to watch the Harborfest fireworks on Saturday. It’s been so long since I’ve been to Oswego. It’ll definitely be different. All the people I once knew there are long gone, but I still want to be able to go back there.
I haven’t been writing as much on paper like I was. I don’t think I need to as much though. My mind has calmed down considerably, so whatever thoughts I have I can sort out. Usually. I’m not saying that I never get confused and frustrated anymore. But, I still keep writing whenever I can. Somehow, it keeps me alive.
“Welkese’s wet streets are crawling with fortune tellers and soothsayers that cling onto subtle thoughts or feelings that indulge a person to drop a few coins in their cups, but even they couldn’t tell me what I wish to know. From what I’ve heard, they only paint vague descriptions of a life that may or may not be. As far as I know, they could be talking about what they ate for lunch rather than a person’s pursuits. I try to keep away from them if I can help it.
When it’s so dark outside that even the silhouettes of the rigid trees in the distance are eaten up by the monstrous sky, my mind often interrupts the silence with passing ideas. Just recently the routine has changed from ideas to doubts. Tonight is no different. It’s like the spirit of the night has been seducing my mind all along and is causing it to turn against me.
It wasn’t the boredom of being so stiff for hours that my joints creaked that made me uneasy. It wasn’t even the stories of the gruesome tragedies that occurred on our trade routes caused by those wretched thieves. I was afraid of something, though I’d never tell anyone that. But what was it exactly? That was the question that kept me occupied during my long days of drawing pictures on the palace floor with my eyes.”
If I ever had a chance to speak with a novelist, I have a question stored away in my mind for that person. Other’s may have an answer, and it may even be a simple solution, but I’d like to hear it. I’d really like to know how an author goes about mapping their plots for their stories. Do they map them? Or do they just start writing, make problems, and then try to create solutions? There has to be somewhat of an outline, but how deep does it go? Main character goes here, says this, does this…. I know there are different ways to go about it, and different methods work for different people. When I wrote the story about the WiMegas and Konta and Mae, I just had a long list of notes that was somewhat of a guide to show where I needed to get to in the plot. But, it was hard to connect all the points and it made it feel more like I was forcing words to lead to something which left me with dry paragraphs that attempted to explain something I didn’t even understand.
But now, as I’m writing, I don’t even know all the characters that are going to come into play. I barely have a plot mapped out at all. That doesn’t sound like a good plan. I guess I need to try to focus on where I’m trying to end up and try to work backwards.
Where do I begin writing then?
I usually start with a character and their dialogue. Often times I will want to write an entire story just so I can fit in this short series of dialogue between two characters.
I’m telling you too many of my secrets. I get the feeling that I shouldn’t expose my reasons like that so much. But, what are you going to do?
I’m going to tell you anyway, although it may spoil the mystery of it for you.
This is where the story began, and how I will get there, and where it will go, I don’t know yet.
“The soldier watched her as she politely listened to the young man, who was quite obviously a thief, but a handsome one at that. He could not diffuse the envy in his heart and made futile attempts to make himself believe it wasn’t really there.
At least she seemed happy.
Yes.
But that was just it! She seemed happy. Somehow, when he looked at her eyes when she listened to this man, he felt like there was something so much deeper than what she showed. He could see it, but could the thief?
The moment he saw the two together, he accepted that he wouldn’t be able to compete against the handsome, foreign, adventuring thief. He was just a soldier. Silent and watching. ”
There. Are you disappointed? Perhaps you don’t want to accept that I’m making such great effort to build off of something so simple. Well, that’s just the way it is. Ideas will grow if you nurture them, correct?
So, besides that, what is going on with me?
To be honest, I haven’t really been doing much of anything. Lots of times I’ll just sit in my room and do nothing but listen to music and play in my head. I haven’t even wanted to play video games much lately. I do want to… but I don’t. I keep getting upset over them. When I played with Asher in April, he did the same thing. When we played something, usually online stuff like Unreal Tournament or MGSOb, he was get agitated and would feel tense and pressured for hours later. No matter what I play, I’ve been doing that too. Even with Ratchet and Clank, and I find that game incredibly easy.
Well, I’ve been reading uncanny amounts lately. It took me about four years to finish reading Inkspell. I was just always too busy or tired to read for enjoyment. It became more of a task to me, and I lost a lot of the book reading that way. But, I finally managed to finished, and I’ve read three books since, and I’m starting on the fourth and fifth. It’s been wonderful to be able to just read and read until I can’t see anymore. I used to try to read a chapter a night, which eventually turned into half a chapter every once in a while because I was just too tired. Now I can read as much as I want, and I do!!
That’s been delicious.
I’d like to say that I’ve been exercising and working on improving my TKD, but I really haven’t. I’ve had this long spell of feeling down, and I haven’t wanted to do much of anything. I’m trying to get back to doing things though. Friday I had the whole day to myself, so I ran around with the dog for a long time, biked for about and hour, and did quite a bit of dancing and working out related things. All day, really. I loved it too. I’d rather do things like that for an entire day instead of just a short while at the beginning or end of a day. But, I guess I can’t really do that all the time, and it probably isn’t entirely effective that way.
I still can’t complete a kip up, though I haven’t given up. I’m at least landing on my feet now, even if I can’t get all the way up. It gives me a horrid headache every time from crashed back onto the floor, but one of these times I’m going to get it, and I’ll just keep practicing until I can do it when I need to. There’s no sense in trying to do a kip up if you’re being attacked and have to writhe in pain because you failed.
“Ah, give me a second to stand up. I’ve almost got it…”
A sort of goal I have, although a silly, somewhat unrealistic goal, is to become a decent free runner. It’s unrealistic because there really aren’t many places to practice out here, and I can’t see myself running around downtown Syracuse jumping over benches and dodging drunk people. Who knows how long I could really keep it up like that too. I’m considering driving out to a park to practice anyway. I’d love to be able to just run like that.
All of you people who do parkour, I admire you greatly. I can only dream of being able to control my body like it’s weightless. I get frustrated over things like the kip up because it reminds me that my body is really heavy, and I can’t control it they way I want to.
I said I danced a lot the other day. I thoroughly enjoyed it too. Even though I’m not dancing for SE anymore, I still can’t keep away. Sure, I’d love to be able to have something to strive for, but if that isn’t possible, I guess I should just try not to dwell on it.
I’ve been working on High King - Cinderella Complex a lot. I’m also continuing to try to perfect Resonant Blue. Those are two songs I would do anything for to record. Well, not quite anything. I wouldn’t hire Syracuse bums to dance for me. The list of songs I want to record grows everyday, and it stings a bit.
Recently, I found an instructional video for Se7en’s Passion. It goes step by step through the routine, and it has helped immensely. The instructor speaks in Korean, but she goes slow enough for me to just see what steps she is making. It’s cut up into sections so it is easier to remember too. I think I might actually have the first part down, and I’m excited about that. The best things about dancing is once you remember the routine, you can perfect it. You can throw in your style. Sam and I tried it out last summer, and we were really terrible. We didn’t plan on creating it into a full scale SE project. We just wanted to dance to it and have fun. We undoubtedly would have recorded it and messed around a bit, but it would be in a relaxed atmosphere. No singing (we don’t understand much Korean, although, thanks to TKD, I know some numbers now!) and no green screening. We’ll see.
I’m still not eating healthy liked I’ve wanted to. I simply can’t eat a lot of food, and my body isn’t pleased about that. Apparently, a person should take in somewhere around 2000 calories a day. At school, the average for me was around 700, until I realized that wasn’t a good thing and started going to meals everyday. Most of the time I wouldn’t go to the cafeteria until Andrea told me to go with her. When I got hungry I would just eat enough of whatever I had in my room, usually soup or crackers, to get rid of the feeling.
Well, now that I’m home, there aren’t really “meals” I can just go to and eat whatever they happen to have there. Now I’m in a house all the time where nothing really changes, so if it comes around to be 4 pm I may not have eaten anything all day, I probably won’t notice until I start feeling faint (and I usually don‘t know why).
Even when I am fully aware that I need to consume food, I just can’t. My body needs it and rejects it all at the same time. Food is pleasure to some. It’s a medicine and a poison to me.
My hair is getting longer already. I think I’m going to cut my bangs.
Last night I was sorting through a lot of old CDs with old photos trying to get them organized by year and subject. I have soooo many photos. So, I decided I’m going to post some of them here. They are photos that aren’t impressive, but are personal. My blog is a personal thing, so my photos can be happy here. They aren’t doing any good being locked away on a CD, are they.
A long time ago I said I was going to try to keep a section devoted to memories, since I forget so easily. Yes, I even remember that. I never got very far though. A lot of bad things happened, and I didn’t care much to try to think of the past for a while. I guess I just got out of the habit.
Well, these photos contain memories, so there is sure to be a story along with them. Hopefully that will suffice for now.
This is Luca as a baby. It was the first summer we had her, three years ago. She was so cute, and so wet. She loved being in the pool! I wish she had stayed that size so we could put her in again.
That's all for now. I'm short on time here. The internet at my house isn't accessible, so I'm having to pop in at other places to do anything. So.. I'm out of here!!
-Lisa
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