It's Black

The Highly Sensitive Person

I have other, more relevant things to talk about, but I need to get this bug out of my head first. The others will have to wait for now.

The past couple days I've felt very sensitive to everything and I've been crying a lot; It's a bit of a change for me. I'm terribly lonely and I don't know why, and I don't know what to do about it either. The more I feel alone the more I just want to stay here in my room and not see anyone.

I guess I'm just feeling a little lost in the corner of my own heart.

Hmm... I don't want to go to class, but I will. I'll do things the way I normally do.

Um, I guess that's all. I'm just really sad, okay?

-Lisa

Victim pt. 3 & 100th Entry

Congratulations to me for making it to 100 posts in so little time! A lot has been going on in my life it seems. Let's not stop here!

Let's finish up with horribly painful story.

Among other things, it was also impossible to handle my contacts, so I ended up wearing glasses for a few days(and there is one of many reasons the people with contacts also have glasses). The process that I had to live with after burning my hand was almost just as bad as when it happened.

There were things like people bumping into me, trying to eat(Ricky had to do a lot for me - opening yogurt lids, bottles of water...), and just coping with the pain that made daily life difficult. After I started going back to class my hand started swelling really bad and made it incredibly hard to handle. I couldn't move my thumb at all. The joints were shot as well, which made me feel a bit like I had a bad case of arthiritis.

Since I'm sure you're curious, I'm giving you a link here to a photo of my wound the day after. You don't have to click the link if you don't want to. Personally, looking at it makes me sick.

http://img517.imageshack.us/my.php?image=006uy1.jpg
http://img515.imageshack.us/my.php?image=007vq2.jpg

The next photos were taken three days after.

http://img515.imageshack.us/my.php?image=008yp8.jpg
http://img515.imageshack.us/my.php?image=005zl7.jpg
http://img293.imageshack.us/my.php?image=007oi3.jpg

As you can see, the wound very quickly became a bloody mess. Everytime I took the bandage off to clean the wound and change the wrappings, I felt like I was going to be sick. Not only was it far beyond any pain I've ever been through, it was also the sickest thing I've ever seen/smelled and it was my own body. It became gradually worse as the flesh began to heal. By the last few days I didn't think I could get through changing the bandage. I was really that close to fainting or becoming physically sick. It wasn't the best thing for the hospital to give me an ace bandage. That's more for sprains and the like. This was an open wound that oozed and bled, so the bandage would get stuck to the dried blood and such and made it all the more painful to take off three times a day. I also had to rub a cream all over it with aided to the oozing and the burning pain. I cried a couple of times when I put it on...

The swelling scared me. I didn't know if it should do that or be that painful. The doctor told me to try to keep moving my thumb even though it killed, otherwise the skin would heal tightly and I wouldn't be able to move it at all later. But, with such terrible swelling, I really just couldn't move it at all. I went to the health office on campus (the one that is a million miles from my dorm) after receiving a call from them asking if I could come in. I guess the security office talked to them and they wanted to check up on me. As lame as it might sound, I was glad they were actually looking out for me.

Ricky came down to the office and waited with me. He also filled out the info sheet since I obviously couldn't. Something makes me think that I felt nasueous at the time.

You know, I really hate doctor's offices. The last three or so times that I've been in one I've cried. This was no exception. But this time it was from pure pain. After the nurse took off the bandage it was like an army of tiny little air molecules began to bite my flesh with their tiny blunt teeth. After some encouragement, the nurse left for a long time to do who knows what. Eventually, the doctor came in to look at the spectical and right away started poking at it asking, "Can you feel that?"

She asked about the burn clinic and why I didn't go. Although I had decided I didn't want to go back, she told me I needed to make an appointment. So, she hopped off to go call the hospital. It was at this point I think that Ricky had to leave to make a class. The woman popped back in the door with an expression on her face that could only make me think of my fourth grade teacher when she was annoyed with her students.

"Can you make it to the hospital in half and hour?"
"Um...well, I don't know anyone who could drive me there, and I can't exactly drive mys-"
"YOU HAVE A SIGNIFICANT BURN ON YOUR HAND."
".............okay."

Yes. I realize that. Thank you for reminding me. And yes, she actually turned that sentence into some kind of loud outburst.

I managed to get a hold of Jim, who was actually sleeping at the time (he needed all the sleep he could possibly get at the time because of his job) and he said he would bring me. The doctor had me wait in another room where I could be watched and they could see that I actually went with him. What did they think I was really going to do?

Anyway, Jim eventually got there ten minutes later. So, by this time it had been about twenty minutes since the woman asked if I could be there in half and hour. Jim didn't realize we were on a time crucial mission and ended up walking me partially to my room. When I realized we weren't going to his car I told him to go get it and meet me outside the dorm. By the time we actually got to the burn clinic, I'm sure we were at least fifty minutes late. They took me anyway.

After another hour of waiting around for the doctor to come back to the room, a large woman came in and had to ask me the usual. What happened, when, have you learned your lesson? I'm sure I was asked all that information at the very least 6 times. The woman asked me to take off my new bandage (I got another one from the health office) and said she would be back soon. I took it off and immediately fell into another pit of absolute agony. She didn't come back for another good fourty minutes.

Doctors... please.... don't leave your patients in agony while you take your sweet time doing anything else that's unrelated.

When she got back she brought three other women with her, all of which proceeded to torture me by putting terrible pressure on my hand while trying to clean it and wrapping cotton-like bandages around it. They also put on a cream similar to the one I had which also burned. The woman asked me what the cream was that I was using, and when I said I didn't remember the name she laughed at me and exploded with, "You're a college student and you don't even know the name of the cream you're using?!"

The rest of that week was just more of the same. Changing the bandages several times a day, gradually bleeding more and more (you could see it through the bandages even), and keeping my hand raised to keep the blood flow under control. There were also several people that wanted to see it, but I never showed them because it was just too painful to remove the wraps. In the last few days I'd take it off and blood immediately would start dripping into the sink. It scared me a little at that point.

A week later I went back to the hospital and the doctor (a different one, a dude) had me peel off the remaining dead skin (which was sickening in itself) and wash the rest of it with soap for a while. After all that he just told me to put lotion on all the time so it wouldn't dry out. Most of the wound was covered by this point. It's completely covered now, but there's still a horrible red scar because all of the layers of skin haven't revived yet. I don't know how long it will take for that to heal, or if it will completely. As for pain, there is only mild pain once in a while which is generally just a feeling like when your foot falls asleep and the blood is becoming active again. I have complete mobility in my hand and the joints don't hurt as often.

So...

That's good. I'm glad that's over.

THE END.


In other news...

I recently went to Boston to visit Emily and get a break from this campus. I'm now officially in love with that place. I want to live there.

For the most part, I love travel, and I love trains. Not so much this time though... Ari brought me to the train station where we thought we would be running late, when in fact the train was delayed an hour and a half. Once on the train we were traveling for almost an hour when we stopped in the middle of no where with no cell service for fourty-five minutes. It wasn't until the very end of the mysterious stop that we were told we couldn't move because the police had seized the tracks while they were looking for a couple kids. Delinquets? Children playing? Who knows. Started going again for almost ten minutes and then stopped again for another fourty-five, this time without and explanation.

So, I met Emily at the station around midnight, not 9:30 which was the original time of arrival. It was great and exciting even through my dead-tired state. Her immediate response to seeing me was "You're hair is green!"

We got back to her house where I met Brynn, Reba, and Juicebox and then went to bed.

Boston is so full of great things. That's where I belong, okay? Or at least where I need to vacation all the time.

We started off with some coffee at some delicious cafe where we listened to some guy play guitar for a while. Oh yeah, we also stopped in at Black Ink where I nearly went into a cute-coma.

We went to the science museum the first day where I took a copious amount of photos of minerals and animal skeletons. On the way there I found Pooh's house.

Lunch at the park. Pinocchio's pizza, which is the best pizza I have ever had, and boba slushies.

Afterwards we wandered around Boston Commons for a bit and I bought some super cute shoes. There was also some tall building in the distance and some dead apartment complex.

Sunday we went to Jamaica Plains and had breakfast and wandered around until we came to the Arboritum, a giant parklike place. We basically just layed around in the grass for a long time watching people and thinking. It was such a beautiful day for that.

We then trekked to the christian science center place and had another good dose of lounging about and thinking next to a beautiful reflecting pool.



That is one place I would love to spend a lot of time at.

We did a bit more wandering around in a shopping area until we were both really dead and tired. We ended the day with some more boba...

Emily couldn't hang out much after that because she had to go to work, but I managed fine on my own and actually had a wonderful time doing so. I went to an aquarium and saw a lot of jellyfish...

The last photo is the fountain at Christopher Colombus part. How appropriate, as it was Christopher Colombus day.... It was so peaceful there. Splish splish....

On the way to the Aquarium I saw a guy get on the train that reminded me of Bill. I suddenly really wanted a hug and very seriously has to resist the urge to go hug that guy. That would have been intersting, and I almost wish I did it. It made me realize a little how much I wanted to be able to share what I was feeling with people. The place I was in, the atmosphere...

Before going back to Harvard Square I found Feniual Hall and explored there for a bit. There was a man there performing some kinds of tricks, but mostly just entertaining people by picking people out of the crowd to tease.
http://www.luckyshow.net/

After that I just went back to Harvard Square and loitered outside the coffee place and listened to the guitarist play. There was a man sitting at a table in front of me who paused his conversation with another man to tell me he liked my hair. He said it looked good on me and that if he was younger and brave, he would do something like that.

Eventually Emily came by and sat around with me and we talked about the events of the day. I described to her my love for trains, the screaming child at the aquarium, and my fascination with people in general.

I'm sure that a lot more happened on that trip in plenty more detail, but I can't remember. The point is, I really loved it there and I can't wait to go back.

On another end of things... I didn't get back to school until 1AM because I missed my train by about 5 seconds. I met someone there named Christopher Grant and we sat around and talked about things like school and music for a while. It all started because he saw my shoes and really liked them and felt the need to tell me. He really wanted to keep in touch with me so he wrote down his name and wanted me to look him up on facebook. Unfortunately, Christopher Grant is a very common name, and also unfortunately, this process caused me to be late for the train.

I cried for a while and called my mom so I could be hysterical for a while. I didn't want to go back to the lobby because I didn't want to run into Christopher and have to explain that he made me late. He didn't really. It was my own responsibility to get there on time...

After a while of running around and talking to ticket vendors I managed to buy a ticket for a bus that was going to Syracuse at 5:oopm. With that settled, I had a good 5 hours to spend in the station. I opted to wander around the city a little which turned out to be incredibly painful. I had a lot of very heavy luggage...

I went to Chinatown which was basically just a clump of dirty chinese and korean resturants, jewlers, adult stores, and bakeries. I wanted to wander into one of the bakeries but didn't feel that much ambition with the mixture of heat and weight on me. I did get some bubble tea though, and that kept me alive for the rest of the wait for the bus. I wandered through Chinatown just enough to realize how dirty and smoke filled it was, and turned around and went back to the station where I just got comfortable and listened to music for several hours.

The bus finally came, I got as comfortable as is possible on a bus, and just closed my eyes for the whole trip. I felt terrible. I didn't really sleep at all, but I was so exhausted. My eyelids were screaming about how heavy they felt and how extremely tired I was, but I couldn't really sleep at all.

The bus finally got to the station and I stumbled off, incredibly confused and lightheaded, but I was met by Ari who gave me a big sympathetic hug and we went back to school.

Great trip. Horrible travel experience.

I was originally planning to write about four other topics, but that's far too much to put into one entry, even if it is my hundredth. The writing is becoming a tad dry, so I'll leave you with this for now. Be seeing you soon!

Let's just say that right now there's just nothing that can make me feel completely good. I can feel great, but lately I haven't been able to be completely at ease. We'll see what will become of this.







-Lisa

Victim pt. 2

And now... the continuation of Victim.

So, I'm at the security office with Ricky. I can't remember if I told them what happened of if Ricky did. What I do remember is the outrageous agony I was in and the only way I could attempt to cope with it was to throw my head down on the counter and cringe. They asked if I wanted an ambulance or a taxi. Should I have gotten an ambulance? I really didn't want to be in one of those. However, the taxi did take forever to get to us and the driver was so freaked out about the whole situation that he drove erratically and actually backed into a sign in the parking lot to start out. I crouched next to the building as we waited for the taxi, a napkin over my hand that the lady gave me suggesting that it might keep germs away from the wound. It mostly just increased the pain and got stuck to the remaining wax and oozing.

At some point during the wait, possibly shortly before the taxi got there, a man who works in the cafeteria came by and asked if the burn had been cleaned at all. When we responded that it hadn't, he fetched some neosporin from his car and put it on my hand. I was terrified at that moment because I was sure that the cream was going to kill me because there couldn't have been any possible way for the pain to go beyond that point without leading to death or a coma. I don't remember it killing me, putting me in a coma, or increasing the pain, though.

We eventually got to the hospital where the receptionist took her sweet time to get all of my information. She had to ask what happened, what my name was, contact info... She asked for my insurance card as well. No, I did not have my insurance card. After thuroughly scorching my flesh, I wasn't terribly interested in fetching my WALLET in case I need some cards when I went to the EMERGENCY ROOM.

After another long wait, they finally let me into the back where another lady asked me my name and what happened. I don't remember exactly what happened here. Eventually Ricky came in with me. I don't know if it was then or in the other room. Another long wait and they put me in another room where a doctor told me it was a second degree burn. There was more, but all the details have turned into a sloppy blur for me. I just remember crying and saying "freaking" a lot, especially when the doctor mentioned a possibility about me losing mobility in that part of my hand. Suddenly everything in my life broke apart then.

He gave me ice and told me it would keep the swelling down. He also gave me a good amount of pain killers and perscribed some antibiotics for me. It was horrendously painful, but he wrapped my hand up with an ace bandage after applying some kind of cream(did he?).

Eventually, we left. I was still in an enormous amount of pain, but I had become accostomed to the throbbing and agony. We had to wait around for another taxi for a while. I'm really glad Ricky was there with me... When we got in the taxi the driver passed back a notepad and apparently wanted a signature from me. After starting at the paper in confusing and disbelief for a moment, I scribbled down some form of initials with my left hand.

Back at my room, feeling somewhat delusional and dizzy, I called my mom to let her know what happened. I kept the ice on my hand all night which soothed the pain a bit and also made that one spot of my bed soggy. I didn't go to work or to my classes for the next couple of days. When I went to see Joan to tell her I couldn't work she jumped right into telling me what my next assignment was before I could say anything. I had to push through her words to exclaim, "I can't work! I burned my hand!" That's when she looked and saw that it was all wrapped up and responded with a worried mother look. She said she's get someone else to handle my work and not to worry about it.

It was a really horrible process. My hand hurt so much that I had to keep it elevated so the blood wouldn't rush to the wound. The pressure was quite uncomfortable. It was hard to get dressed in the morning. Anything with long sleeves was too painful to try to put on. It took me twenty minutes to put a jacket on one night. Several times Ari had to help me get my arm through sleeves to jackets and cardigan-types. It was also incredibly difficult to shower. Or eat. Or...do anything.

Oh yeah. The doctor said that I was to go back to the hospital "first thing in the morning" the next day. How was I going to get there? I positively could not drive. Luckily, JimAndOrJames said he would bring me in the morning. So, we went. We got lost in the building for a good hour before finding the burn clinic, and were then turned away. Yes. When I went to the desk, they didn't know who I was or why I was there. However, they did say that my information was faxed to them that morning. Great! BUT I didn't make an appointment so they wouldn't see me that day and I would have to wait for the doctor to come in at the end of the week. Fine. They also scolded me for having ice on my hand. When I told them that the doctor said to keep it on my hand, they just looked at me with disappointment.

Stay tuned for the conclusion when I'm more awake.


-Lisa

Black Eyes

Can I just express that I know some amazing people that love me?



I'm in very high spirits tonight.

Why do my jammie pants smell like lilacs? Looooove it!

Victim pt. 1

Tuesday evening, 6:00, Mary's basement.

At the time I was feeling a bit strange. One of those feelings you get after you've been around a lot of people for a significant amount of time, and then they all suddenly leave. It isn't exactly loneliness, and it isn't fatigue. I suppose it's just an aura of uneasiness that no one can ever really describe.

I couldn't just sit around and feel bad for myself so I decided to have some fun with a container of wax I happened to have in my room.

By the way, Andrea informed me not to tell people I was "playing with wax" because they would get a very wrong image of what was going on.

Uhhhhhhh……

I popped the container in the microwave and punched in what I believe was 20 seconds. Here’s where the big problem comes in. I’m pretty positive I put in 20 seconds, but after all the shock and all that, I started doubting myself and thought I may have made the mistake of putting in 2 minutes. You see, the mary’s microwave doesn’t have a working screen. The screen just constantly flickers lights of nonsense. I also discovered later that the microwave doesn’t stop when it should. I found this out more or less through a breakfast mission with Ari when we were nuking bacon. It burned. Also, 1 second equals 10 to this machine.

So, I threw that container in and ran to the bathroom. When I returned, the specimen was done cooking away, as it should have been (though I didn’t realize it had been in longer) so I opened the door and...

SMOKE!

Smoke started billowing out of the door, so hoping to not cause the fire alarm to sound, I grabbed the container and pulled it out causing most of the substance inside to spill over onto my hand and all over the countertop.

Tragic as it sounds, I can still smell the wax and feel the burning liquid splashing over my hand.

This is about the time shock occurred. Now, when things like this happen to me, I don’t respond with screams. It was more like a painful groan that viciously fought it’s way out of the murky pit of my soul. I threw my hand under water in the faucet in hopes that the wax would still be liquid and would wash off, but to no avail. Somehow my mind told me that I needed to run into the bathroom instead of staying in the kitchen to try to save myself. So I ran to the bathroom and peeled the wax and my flesh off the area around my thumb, much like you do a sticker off a glass surface.

When something like that happens to you your mind is very one sided and can only focus on little details one at a time. I knew I was in terrible pain, but instead of thinking to call security or grab an RA, I just knew I had to get a hold of Ricky. He was what I needed at the time.

I tried calling him a few times fully aware that he was in a 3 hour class. All this time I was running around the academic building hoping to find him. I ended up sending him a text message that read “Help”. That was so cruel, but I couldn’t do anything else at the time. I really hate thinking about that. Since there was no response and I couldn’t seem to find the room, I actually went to the 2nd floor lab and looked up the room number online, all the while slowly slipping out of shock and realizing how much agony I was in. It hurt so much worse when I stopped moving. There were a few other people in the lab at the time, but I guess they didn’t here me moaning as I sat there (I didn‘t want them to notice anyway).

On my way towards the room I ran into Ricky in the hall as he was attempting to call me. It really kills me to remember how scared he looked as we met. It was a legitimate state of fear, and it really was an emergency, I just feel like it was horrible for me to make him worry like that. Although, if I had said, “Oh, I just burned my hand, could you help me please?” I don’t think it would have made anything better.

He asked what happened, but at the time I couldn't think consistently enough to explain what I was doing. Also because I was mildly embarrassed about the whole circumstance.

We journeyed to the health office which we quickly discovered was closed. Apparently the school assumes that health issues do not occur after 4:00 PM. Next option, counseling center next door.

Ricky got someone's attention while I leaned against the wall holding my hand up and whincing; there was only one lady in the whole building it seems. The lady came over to me and babbled some garbage, asking what happened and blah blah blah. I think it was when I said, "wax" that I absolutely died inside and began sobbing. Her pitiful response to my breakdown was, "Shh, it's okay. You'll be okay", in which I responded with what I find was the proper way to deal with the situation. This particular way was saying, "No, I'm not okay. This hurts" - angrily.

She had me sit down while she called the security office. I just sat there while and cried out of pain, shock, frustration, and fear. The lady returned with instructions to travel back up the hill to the security office to let them handle the unfortunate issue.

About this time, 20 minutes had already passed since the wax boiled over my flesh. My hand was oozing some horrid smelling liquid substance and was positively tearing my insides to shreds.

There are two truly horrendous parts of this whole experience. One being the thought that I could have restricted mobility in my right hand, and the other being the sickening smell of dead flesh.

------

Just now I closed my cell phone and dropped it on my desk as my tear ducts remembered how to function. My only explanation is that my body is physically exhausted with people being inconsiderate and insensitive. It isn't like I conciously decided, "okay, I'm real mad at the whole world now and it's time for me to cry." My body just wanted to let me know it was tired of being treated poorly. The phone call was to the hospital where they cut me off mid-sentence (again) while I was trying to explain myself, and they very rudely told me they don't give refills and if I wanted more pain killers I would have to see my personal physician (which I guess just sucks for me because I'm only four hours from home) or go back to the hospital for them to look at me.

Yeah.

Like looking at the burn is going to tell them how much I hurt. ONLY I CAN TELL THEM I'M IN PAIN.

-----

I'm going to continue this tomorrow. I need to get some rest so I can take on the tomorrow thing.

Also, so you don't get confused, most of this entry was written quite a while ago. I'll try to finish it up as soon as I can!


-Lisa