just woke up

Mild Outburst

Why do I have to be the one that is alone now? Why can't I be given support when I'm feeling like crap? No. That just doesn't happen. Instead, everything turns around. I'm not allowed to be down because I'm Mommy and have to take care of everyone who is begging for attention. So, now I'm left here, away from everyone, not even sure who I would want to see in hopes of getting comfort.

I want to go back to bed.

It works again. Ever since I blew my hand off, my tear ducts remembered how to function. We've been practicing a bit lately.

I quit. How's that?

You can disregard this outburst in a few hours because I'm going to just have to get over it and move on to more important things than feeling sorry for myself.

-Lisa

Mummified

I burned my hand Tuesday evening on hot wax. Liquid hot wax. I was in the midst of pulling it out of the microwave and it splashed over the side of the container onto my hand between my thumb and index finger.

It freaking hurt.

For now I'll spare you all the gruesome details. More so for my sake because I'm not in a comfortable position to type. Maybe after I take the pain killers and get my bandage changed I'll come back and moan and groan about the experience.

I just want to point out a couple things before I take off.

I'm alright. The pain comes in drastic waves sometimes, but I've dealt with pain before. Although, I must say that this is probably the worst pain I've ever been through. But still, I'm okay. Sometimes I get really scared, especially when I take the bandage off. I'm terrified that my hand will never be the same. Will I be able to draw again?

Oh, Ricky is here to take care of me. :]

Trapped in the Last Dream

When I woke up this morning I had this feeling like I was in a messed up dream where nothing ever made any sense and left you with a strange uneasiness. Usually you wake up from a bad dream and realize that you are really alright and you can forget the uncertainty you had. But this time I was already in a comfortable state until I woke up into the dream.

My alarm didn't go off this morning so I didn't wake up until 1. Maybe sleeping in that late caused some kind of confused mental state. I set it to 11 so I could be up in time to photograph the dance workshop for KB, but I must have done something wrong when I was setting it.

Since yesterday I've been shaking a lot. It happens sometimes because of the meds, but this was a little unexpected. I shook a lot when I first started taking them, but it eventually went away. I'm guessing it's reoccuring because I wasn't consistant with taking them for a while over the summer and now I am back on track. Ricky noticed when we were in class yesterday. I was reaching for my coffee and had a hard time successfully grasping it. It's the sort of violent shaking you might get when you are terribly nervous about something. It was at it's worst at that particular time. So far it hasn't gotten that bad again. It's just a little annoying.

Coffee...

Yes...

A while back I was at Dunkin Donuts to get a muffin and I saw an ad for caramel coffee. Doesn't that sound positively delicious? But, the problem was that I've never liked cofffee. I did say I would try it someday thought just because it sounds wonderful.

One day last week I was feeling really down so I escaped from campus and drove around fayetteville for a while. I thought just wandering around for a while might help. Help make me feel better? I don't know. It would just help. Anyway, I went into Panera at the end of my trek where they happened to have caramel lattes. Yessss! I figured I might as well try it out while it was right there. What was there to lose (besides a significant amount of cash)?

And now I can't turn back. It's so great to be able to get through class without getting drowsy, and I can even stay awake through movies. WOW! I think I've had six or so cups since I started drinking it. Yummmm.....

-Intermission-

I want to put this down before I forget.

On the way to the security office this evening I ran into Trippy Kevin. He was coming up the path from the ball field and we met on the sidewalk towards the office. We sort of said hi to each other. Kevin and I aren't friends, but we know each other from... lunch. Hmm... you know, I don't really know how we met. The first time we had interaction was last semester when Andrea and I went to the leather lounge to hang out. He was high at the time and thought that it being 2:00 was trippy. I think I might know him through Anthony. Well, anyway, I sit with him in the cafeteria sometimes when there are other dudes around.

Anyway, when I asked him what he was up to he kept his eyes foreword and responded after a long pause, "Withdrawl."

I've never really known anyone who was so concentrated in drugs before. Honestly, I'm really worried about him. I don't know him all that well, but lately he seems really down. It's like he's in a permanent emotionless-delusional state and has to travel viciously through a series of puzzles to make his way back to some form of reality in order to give you a one word response so he can slip back into the delusion. I can't tell if he's concentrating really hard on something, or really has absolutely nothing running through his mind.

I asked him if he was going to be alright. He was really sweaty and doing that determined "don't mess with me" walk. I don't know what I was expecting him to say. I guess that's why I asked. He said, "What, you don't think I'll be okay?"

"......"
"......"
"I don't know."

We entered the office; I got the parking pass for my mom, and he withdrew some cash from the ATM. On our way out he asked, "Are you excited?"

"About what?"
"Do you have something to be excited about?"
"Not really"

He said something else, but I can't clearly remember. It was something morbidly positive. Well, I didn't know what to say or do, so I just wandered in the other direction back to my car. I realized how threatening he is in that moment. When I looked back, he was gone.

No more thoughts on the subject for now.

-End Intermission-

My hair is blue.

Andrea did it for me and Ricky documented it. Eventually I'm going to get the clips uploaded to my computer and we're going to make it into some kind of film.

First we bleached it.




Ricky said I looked like a refugee here. ^






This is the blue I was actually aiming for, but what I have is good too. It's more green than anything, but that's fine with me. So many people have approached me with compliments. It makes me happy :]

Other than that, I've been having a lot of fun now that I'm back in Syracuse. Ricky and I have gone out to Roji's a couple times.




People have been hanging out in my room a lot. I didn't expect that to happen since my single is so tiny. The Hole. It's great though. So far there had been four people in here at a time. Let's see if we can make it five! I'll have more to say about that a bit later, but for now, here is a photo of the giant pizza we ordered when we watched daywatch, nightwatch, and the host.


Something has changed inside me.

-Lisa

System Failure

I didn't mean for my next entry to be like this. I've really wanted to write about all the excitement and fun that has been going on for me. But, right now, I just need to vent I suppose. I'll get back to happiness later.

For now, I feel like I'm already a failure. I've missed a few classes so early in the semester. Classes with professors that don't care about me much. I'm just a student, not a human girl. I can't seem to take my classes terribly serious. English is okay, and philosophy is too, but other than that, I can't really force myself to care.

Some parts of my life are being ignored too. I guess that is what is nagging at me right now. Like Anthony said, I need some Me time to reflect.

Don't give me answers. Don't give me riddles or force yourself to be sympathetic. Listen to me.

One thing that I found is that I miss Jessica. Ever since I got here I've felt like something is missing. There is an emptiness that is indescribable. At night, when I'm alone and unsure of myself, I wish she was around to talk to. I feel like.... someone took my partner away. Things just aren't right, but I guess I should have expected that.

Things aren't bad here. I'm just troubled and need to spew for a little while. When I write again I'll tell you about my adventures.

I finally shed a tear today. That's one thing that makes me feel a little less like a failure.

The strange thing is that the things keeping me alive are in turn killing me now.

Ugh, sounds so emo. I'm just troubled... Life isn't awful. Life has finally become my friend again. Just, for now I feel like I could function better if I was disconnected from everyone. Free to come and go, maybe?

Last night I got painty.

"COME BE THE MADMAN WITH US."

-Lisa

I've Forgotten All My Lines

Ricky is sad.

I don't know what to do for him.



Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

-Death Cab for Cutie - I will follow you into the dark