Another Dimension

Wow, what a horrendous morning. This is what I did for an hour and a half, not neccessarily in that order.

Now my gas tank is depressed and so am I. Obviously, I never got to my destination.

-Lisa

Friday Night

I'm discouraged.

And I prayed, "Lord, you have to kill me"

Mom directed me to this broadcast. If you're interested, maybe you'll learn a little bit more about me. If not me, you could learn something about someone else. I think it could help you understand.

"It was like any kind of stress you got around you responded to it ten-fold."

"At times it would crescendo. It would hit a definite panic attack which is even worse because you don't know what it is. And you're thinking, "Am I losing my mind?" That makes you more anxious then you're anxious about it making you anxious. And so, it's kind of an emotional perfect storm."

"It's the only time in my life that I've thought about dying. I asked 'God, You need to kill me'"

"It's like having dark glasses on and everything you see, your relationship with God, everything is emotionally gone. It's a frightening place to be."

"All of us have had times of discouragement and being down but you know the the difference when there is something physical inside of you that hits you. You know the difference."

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Focus_on_the_Family/archives.asp?bcd=8/18/2008

Not feeling so good today. Extra shaky and kind of blah.

-Lisa

Monday

I'm packing today. The fridge got a good cleaning and is now patiently waiting in the car.

Oscar Jones has been in the house a lot today. Hmm...

Can this guy be my roommate?

This wind is crying because no one is flying a kite.

You know what would be amazing? A katamari kite. Yessssss.

My bruise is turning yellow and that's gross.

See it?

-Lisa

Trains to Carry Pt. 3 and Beyond

The past few days have been more than I expected, or wanted. But, I should finish up my first story before I get into that.

We went to Mary Lou's house one evening. Although I've never been close with any of her family, they've always been there and are my parents' friends. I like being around them. Everyone seemed happy to just be able to sit around and goof off for a while. Ricky and I tried to make some no-bake cookies, but they didn't turn out right. :[ It was fun to bake in Mary Lou's kitchen though. I would like to have a kitchen like that someday. There's only one wall that separates the kitchen from the dining room and there is a big opening like a window, so even when you're in the kitchen, you aren't cut off from everyone. And that means less people have to be in your way when you're cooking! You can just kick them out to the other side!

Shannon and Amanda came over one day and we attempted to play Munchkin. It took me a while to get used to it, and I don't think Shannon or Amanda ever caught on completely. When Amanda asked what it meant when the card said she gained a level, we didn't know how else to respond but to stare at her for a moment and explain that it meant she gained a level. It's a fun and silly game that I'd like to be able to play again sometime now that I know what I'm doing. I was ready to sabotage Kristi, but didn't get the chance. Till next time...

He got to meet Jill one night. We went over there along with Kristi and Baby Junpei (PS3) and got updates, Folded, downloaded some games and trailers, and roasted marshmallows. We sat around the fire on the cool night and watched the flames flicker and light up each other's faces. Dark nights, warm fires, cool breezes, and friends. Who could ask for more?

We went to the fair one night to watch the demolition derby. We also walked around and watched Julia poke at the chickens. I bought cotton candy. :] And Ricky turned into corn.



Hahaa... we watched Monty Python. I'd only seen clips before. Hahaha...

We went to the mall after dinner with my parents one night and I showed him what is left of the mall. Part of it anyway. We just went into the pet store and looked at fish and spiders.

We went grocery shopping a couple times :D

Towards the end of his stay he met the majority of my family. Asher and Erika came up for the weekend so everyone wanted to come to meet Owen. There were lots of children around. It wasn't terrible though. I was wiped out after the first wave because it was so sudden, but when Jenny and Jodi were up with their kids it wasn't so bad. I think I'm better with kids now. I'd never been able to handle kids before, but now I feel like I'm able to communicate with them. Before, I never knew what to say. Kids aren't so bad.

That about wraps things up I think. It was a great week. It exhausted me, and it exhausted Ricky even more. After seeing him off at the station I couldn't go home right away, and when I did get home, the house was empty. The next couple of days were ... hmm... not terrible, but not good. The months that we spent apart weren't so bad to me. But after he was here for so long it was weird to be alone again. Seriously, I was going a little crazy.

And guess what? He left on monday and then I drove out to Syracuse to bring my mom to the eye surgery place on Thurday. I also saw him that day.

Now begins a whole other story.

I never imagined that that day would be so long and full of... a lot of things. The boring part is what we were there for. I drove all the way to Mattydale which was actually fun. I liked being able to drive the long distance. Mom and I spent a long time at the eye place and she had to go in and out of offices all morning. Around 1 we got a hotel room in which I sat around and watched Burn Notice while I waited for mom's surgery to end. That was the boring part.

When mom was settled into the hotel (which was extremely boring for her) I drove out to Syracuse to pick up Anthony who was playing in the road with one of his brothers (he introduced me to two of his brother as Mario and Luigi. I can't remember their real names) and then went out to Never Neverland to kidnap Ricky.

Seeing him again was weird, actually. It almost seemed too ordinary. I don't even think that's the right word. It was like, "Oh, I remember you". It could have just been me. I think I just missed him a lot.

Roji's was fun. We all went out for tea. They rearranged the rooms again, so I had to get used to the environment again. Tomomi wasn't there, which was too bad, but I'll see her again eventually. They were out of taro at the time so I got strawberry instead. The guys were so silly. I got a little hysterical a couple times and laughed to the point of crying. I guess that should have told me something.

On the way back I got lost. I don't even know how that happened. I've directed people around Syracuse plenty of times and never given bad directions. I don't know where we ended up or how we got back, but I started freaking out about then. I'm usually fine with getting lost. I just ... get unlost. It's great. So, I'm not sure what happened then.

Stopped at Han's and saw the Han's lady again. I wish I knew her name. I keep wanting to tell people that we're on a first name basis, but I really don't know her name at all and she doesn't know mine. Ari and I just went so much that she began to get to know us. About school and family. We even saw her when we went to the Secret Garden which she apparently owns as well.

When we left Han's it was already dark out and I guess the city lights were too much for me. After dropping Anthony off at his house I started getting really nervous. It felt the same way as when I would try going to school on those days I was sick because of dairy. I stopped at the Wegman's parking lot and panicked for a while. Paced around and convulsed until we walked around inside the store for a while. It was really terrible. After a while I felt like I was calmed down enough to be able to drive again. I didn't want to, but we were stranded otherwise. From this point to the next I can't remember much.

The next point was when I hit the limit of...whatever. Panic attack peak, I guess. I had to pull over and get out of the car. After that I knew I couldn't do anything. Couldn't drive at all. I called mom fully aware that she couldn't do anything for me, but I didn't have anything else I could do.

This is basically how the conversation started...

"Mom, I'm-"
"I'M SO BORED"
"Mom, I'm having a panic attack."
"I can't watch TV"
"Mom, I'm having a panic attack. I can't drive."
".........okay."

Apparently she thought I said I was in a cabbage patch and couldn't drive. I crouched down on the side of the road to talk to her and everytime a car drove by I thought it was aiming for me. I couldn't do anything even thought I felt like that either. I've never been so convinced that something was going to kill me and yet I couldn't do anything for myself. Mom ended up talking to Ricky for a little while and in the end Ricky ended up driving me back to his house. Just not having to drive made me feel better. And Ricky is a great driver. :D

I called mom from his house and we decided that me trying to get back to Mattydale was a bad idea so staying there for the night would be best. That made me feel better. It made me feel safer.

His parents were perfectly fine with that, and his mom especially was understanding. She's had panic attacks and said how much it sucked. We could definately relate.

Ricky and I went outside for a while so we could walk around. I felt a lot better because of the fresh air and movement. Talking about non-sick related things was good too.

You know what? The stars are the same no matter where you look up at them from.

We ended up going to John's house, then to Mike's, then back to John's and back to Mike's. Although it was hard to see, Ricky assured me that the lake was beautiful and later on Mike confirmed that fact.

After we found John, who was at his house the whole time, we walked around with his dog that got kidnapped. Nick, the guy I was never expected to meet, came around in his car and drove off with John's dog. It was great. Then we lost John. He ran off trying to catch Nick and we didn't see him again until Nick drove around yelling at him with his car speaker thing. That was the best part of my day.

I also got to see Mike's monster of a dog, listen to him play the piano, and walk around with Ricky in the moonlight.

John(I think) rummaged through Mike's cupboards and pointed out that the oreo's were always stale or overly bendy. "Whoever opens them last never closes the package again." For some reason, that really sticks in my mind and makes me laugh.

Unfortunatly, I started feeling pretty sick so we made a quick escape back to his house. The rest of the night was really rough. I'm just going to give you the surface since it actually makes me qweazy to relive it in my mind. I fell asleep for half an hour, woke up in a panic feeling like I was going to vomit, screamed for a second out of pure hysteria, and ended up running outside in the dark. Just so everyone knows, I get really crazy when I'm sick like that. I bit my arm and discovered a bad bruise from it today. I bit my fingers a lot too, but no damage was caused.

I slowly inched my way back into the house, starting with spending half an hour in the garage praying and trying not to freak out. I considered trying to sleep there, but it was too cold. Made my way inside and fell asleep on the steps until I realized I was drooling. That always seems to happen. I can get to sleep when I'm not trying to, but when I do try I just get sick again. When I got back to the room I tried to get to sleep again, but this time sitting up in the corner of the room. Laying down is always something I can't do when I'm like that, but I also get so tired that I can't stay awake either. It really causes a bad conflict in my body.

I eventually got to sleep and slept the remainder of the night. 4 hours. That's something I never want to have to do again. But I don't think I could have been in a better place. If I was back at the hotel I wouldn't have been able to fight it like that.

The next day was hard to start. Mom hadn't eaten since 1 the day before and I had to bring her some food. I couldn't do anything myself, but I was afraid to wake Ricky up. It was only 7 AM. It had been a long night and I felt bad about having to pester him about everything. I didn't know if I could drive back to the hotel, so he came with me. It took a while to figure out directions, but we managed to get back even through all the traffic (it being the morning rush). After getting there and taking a shower I felt a lot better.

Mom had to go back to the eye place for a checkup so Ricky and I stuck around in the waiting room. Poor guy. It was really early.

We drove around and went to some stores for the rest of the morning. Something weird happened towards the end though. Ricky started getting a little crazy in the store. Not sure what that was about. Apparently green tea makes him hyper? But then he got really quiet again when we go back to the car. I wanted to be able to talk to him before we left and at the very least thank him for everything he did for me, but I never got the chance. He told me not to feel bad about everything, but there was no way I couldn't. When mom and I got back to the car I just sat in the driveway for a while. It was so hard to leave like that.

Well, that's the end I guess. It was a great and terrible two days in Syracuse.

It was great to see Anthony. It was great to spend a lot of time with Ricky, regardless of feeling like poop the whole time. It was great to wander around in the dark with him and his friends. I hope we can do that again.



"Lisa, you have plenty of opportunity. Don't muff it."
"Muff?"
"I just invented it."

Feeling down today.


-Lisa

Trains to Carry Pt. 2

You know, I should never wait until the end of an event to write about it. I should be writing as it happens over time. Like when I was in Oswego, or Hersey Park. That worked out really well. Otherwise, I get too far behind and more things pile onto my mind before I can sort out what was already there.

The topic for today, and probably tomorrow (since this is most definately going to lead to a part 3) is my week with Ricky.

Ever since that strange week I spent at school in order to film the play, Ricky and I have been trying to come up with a scheme on how to see each other over the summer. After countless plans, we were finally able to spend some time together here at my house. It was a really great week. Long and short. Intense and calm. We did a lot of things.

I really liked just being able to play games with him. It was nice to be able to hang out and have fun for a while without having to worry about other things. But, the times I was especially happy was when we went out together. Like when we went to Bokkies, and to the movie theatre. At Bokkies we just sat and talked about things the whole time. Nothing important, really. Memories, things about ourselves. I really wished there was somewhere else we could have gone after we left there. The park would have been nice, but it was already dark outside. Although, we did explore Walgreens, which I have never been to before. That place is pretty spiffy.

Then there was the movie theatre. It was really after the movie that I enjoyed the most. The movie was good, and not at all scary like I expected after seeing the ad outside. Well, there were a couple parts that made me cringe, but it was just from me expecting something, not so much because something really happened. So, we grabbed some food afterwards because it was pretty late. Eleven, I think. I felt so silly then. Looking back now, I can't remember exactly what went on, but I do seem to recall being overly giggly as we ordered food and waited for it. That's alright though. Being giggly is good for me. Bubbles of happiness, right?

We sat in the parking lot at the mall and talked for a while there too. I got a kid's meal and got the Snoopy/Woodstock toy. Awesome! Definately gettings kid's meals more often. I couldn't even finish it.

That's what I like. Spending time with him.

Hmm... what else.

I sort of forced him into going four wheeling with me. He didn't seem to want to at all, but I personally couldn't miss the opportunity. It had been so long since I drove around like that. The four wheeler here has been in a coma for a long time, and I haven't had anyone to ride with me anyway. I can't entirely tell if that was okay with him or not.

I'll have to continue this later. I'm driving my mom to Syracuse tomorrow so she can get an evaluation for her eyes to see if she can get surgery. Hopefully all will go well. Hopefully I can run into a couple people while I'm there too.

See you later!

She's a cool kid.

-Lisa

Trains To Carry Pt. 1

I'm back from my Jersey trip! It's good to be home. I've been more content lately about home life. This is a safe place again, and I can be or do whatever I want here. Although I'm still trapped, the walls aren't crushing me anymore.

The morning I left we woke up late. We were supposed to leave around 5:30, but didn't get up until 6. Asher's phone alarm didn't go off...

Even so, I made it in time for my train. The train to NY Penn station from Jersey was filled with businessmen and women all clutching their computers and reading documents that we supposedly important. It looked just like the school bus for children in which the kids schedule the bus ride as a study hall before class. Although, it was significantly quieter.

I got off at the wrong stop. Only for a second though. Newark and New York sound a lot alike. It doesn't help that both train stations are called Penn Station either. I thought it was odd that not many people were getting off at the stop. I assumed that NYC would be where everyone would have to go (and don't forget that this was at a sickeningly early hour of the day so my thoughts weren't all coherent). I pretty much knew I wasn't supposed to get off as soon as I stood up, but by that time, there was no turning back. When you get to a station like that you can't just stop and contemplate anything either. The train stopped and I moved on like a zombie just like the rest of the rushing crowd.

But I was positive I was in very much the wrong place. Wrong state, even. So, I just casually stepped back on further up the train. You can't understand how thankful I was that I actually noticed I didn't recognize anything.

One of the train attendants asked me for my ticket, which I knew he would and was afraid of. I just had to tell him that I gave it to another attendant already, which was true, but I'm sure he didn't entirely believe me. Awkward moment. But everything was okay. I understand a whole new level of "olympics" now.

While on the train I'm pretty sure I sat next to an author of some kind. Either a writer of novels or a journalist. The second she sat down she began furiously scribbling down thoughts or details on paper. Even with her claiming that seat I sat alone most of the ride back. The woman spent all of her time in the cafe car while it was open. I suspect she was writing back there too, where should could actually observe human interaction.

I managed to finish off Conrad's Fate. I read over half of the book without stopping, and I must warn you that it isn't a brilliant idea to read on a train for that long like you might think. I was plagued by a spikey sort of headache for the next three days.

Out of boredom, and plain silliness, I snapped a photo of a sleeping guy sitting across from me. Hah.

No, I don't suppose that's anything to be proud of. It was entertaining at the time. I kind of wanted to scoot over next to him and snap a photo of the two of us while he slept so I could say, "This is me and the sleeping guy!"

Due to certain cirumstances, I had to use the restroom while on the train. The first trip I didn't. Things like human survival don't effect me all that much (like eating and drinking, which I didn't do for the 15 hour trip down). But, in this case, there was no avoiding it.

TERRIBLE IDEA.

Everyone decided that the stop in Albany was a good chance to be refreshed, but apparently the toilets don't flush when the train is shut off. BAD. There was absolutely NOTHING that was going to convince me to go in that room, so I waited until the train started again and was well on it's way to the next stop. Even with the train running again and the toilets un-bombed, it was the worst experience I've had in a long time.

Don't do it. Ever. EVER.

Mom and I went to Friendly's for some eats when I finally reached my stop. I'm sure I talked her ears into a coma because it was the first time in several weeks that I'd been alone with her. That was definatly fun. I saw Joe in the resturant too. Hah. It's always when you go far away from home that you see people you know. Like in Pennsylvania. Weird, isn't it? I crashed their table for a while and got to chat with him and his dad and brother for a bit. Fun, fun. And, I still owe him cookies for bailing out of driving everyone to the movies. (>!,1iy69y1?!)

On the way home we saw a family of racoons crossing the road. So cute!

I didn't get photos of them, but I did take a few in Jersey, so here you go. (Sorry, they're boring photos)

I found someone at the train station the other day...

-Lisa