Pressure Zone

It's been ten days...

This break has been good for me. It's allowed for me to take time to think clearly and not forcingly. I've been writing on legal sheets for a few days, and through that, I'm better able to sort out some thoughts. I'm not trying to prove anything there, because I'm the only one who sees it. I don't have to try to explain anything, or convince you that what I'm saying is true.

For now, I will continue to write only for myself, places peices of the puzzle down by myself without any outside influence. I have to clean my mind of what other people think, or what I think they will.

I will continue to update this as events present themselves, and I will write them down just as I experience it. I also may or may not include bits from my legal sheets.

I haven't run away yet. By running away, I just mean traveling, and trying to get away from my "other self" that keeps me locked up here. I'm not running away from my family, or from problems. I know you can't do that.

Travel makes me feel pure. To be away. Alone. I am just who I am. I haven't gotten to consider who I am for a while, and going away will help me to see that. Alone.

Can I be a normal college student?

Things don't have to make sense. They often don't. But to be normal, is to just accept it, I think. Stress comes and goes, but there is always something wringing out every last drop of blood from my heart.

I feel like I need to start over. Simpler.

You know what I would really like? To go back to a time in my life where I was completely content. Yes, I was there once. It lasted about a week. It was when I was at Asher's apartment and spent time with him and his friends. I loved that more than anything. Even if I could go back, it might not be of any help to me now.

I think I had a huge setback tonight. Yes, I returned somewhere, but not anywhere I even wanted to go again. I feel the same way as I did then. I can see clearer now, though. Whatever this is comes from the bottom of my soul in a place that shouldn't be sought. But, I do, more often than anyone should.

Its life in general that makes me sad. I've watched it pass so quickly. As hard as I try, I can't hang onto it. I've done all I can to cherish moments, the passing of time, and feelings that freely flow through my body.

Is it normal for a 19 year old girl to feel like she's dying? I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to be tragic all the time. Night is when I'm so vulnerable to this. It has been with me so long, I should give it a name. The Dark Hour, maybe.

I can't understand this. I've lived a good life, and I'm making every effort to make it better everyday. Sometimes, I am very happy with who I am, and where I am. So, why do I keep getting this feeling that I'm missing my own life?

The image that keeps coming to mind is of Asher and Erika when they were still in college. Early. Even before I went to stay for the week. I hardly knew her at the time, and then, it didn't matter much. I was just a kid.

It was beautiful though. The two of them. I wish I could have watched. I wish I could have been in their minds and been able to understand their thoughts.

They're married now. School is gone and now they have a son.

Why does this make me so upset?

Maybe its them. Maybe I feel like I missed out on having time with them. I knew I would never go back after that week. I saw them when they came to visit, but I knew I would never be a part of them like I was at that time. I'm just a child, and they are adults. They are a family.

I want us to be kids again. I want Asher to be there to teach me things, I want Erika to be the most adorable, dorky girl I've ever met. I want them to be madly in love. I want them to see me as an equal.

They'd never be able to look at me the same if they knew what a wuss I was.

Sometimes I wish good times would never come. They're just there to tease you and they will leave you wanting more.

My heart is breaking.

Again.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to turn out like this. I was really just going to end when I said I would start writing here a bit again. I guess I can't control these feelings still. Go ahead and blame my state of insanity.

I need to try to sleep and get rid of tonight.




-Lisa

Shut Down

We are shutting down until further notice.

If I had no worries
If I had no pain
Would you stay close to me
When it starts to rain

Would you be my lover
Would you be my lover
We are always a little bit far but never late
We are always a little bit far
In the lake

If the sky grows darker
If I go insane
Would you still care for me
When it starts to rain

Would you be my lover
Would you be my lover
We are always a little bit far but never late
We are always a little bit far
In the lake
Happy girl, I want to be the happy girl

Would you be my lover
Would you be my lover
We are always a little bit far but never late
We are always a little bit far
In the lake

-Emilie Simon

Run Away

Things got complicated. I keep asking, what should I do? Just tell me, and I'll do it. But now, I think I know.

Despite the good changes that have happened in my life in the past year, none of it came easily, or without pain. Is this just another step towards something better? I can't keep going through this. If I have to keep killing myself in order to live better... eventually, I'm never going to wake up.

I'm so lost.

I don't need people to be telling me what they think is right or wrong for my life. I just need help. The words they throw at me are just breaking me apart. I need you to help me.

But, who could help me? There's no one.

In the next couple of weeks, I am getting on a train. I don't know where I'll be going, and I could care less. Nothing can be solved by staying here and fighting with myself. If I could only run away...

Perspective

Owen Felix
9 lbs 10 ounces
Born at 9:10 AM
June 12th 2008

There are the facts, folks.

Hehehehehe....



I forgot to talk about one of the key points of my day yesterday. Heh, what a dork.

It was right after I finished putting my groceries in the car, and I was about to put my cart away (do people still do that, or am I just old fashioned?). A girl from highschool came up behind me and said, "Hey!"

Now, you might think, "Eugh... a familiar face. From school even. Gosh, I'm sorry for you."

But, it was nice actually.

This is a girl that I used to spend a lot of time with in middle school, but never really talked to her much after that. But, I remember that she used to confide in me about her personal life a lot. You know, a lot of people used to come to me for advice. I can't say if it ever helped, or if my advice was really valid, but I was truthful. Hopefully, somewhere, I managed to at least encourage someone.

I think I might have shocked her a little. In school, I was never one to be terribly expressive or excitable around people. But, when I saw her, I jumped right into a conversation. There weren't any awkward pauses, or me trying desperatly to come up with something to say. It was natural, really.

It was like we were good friends. Not like an act. It was me, mostly. I was just comfortable talking to her.

That was when I realized how much I've changed in the past year. I wondered if she noticed how different I was. Whether she did or not, I noticed.

A year ago, I would have stood there awkwardly, wondering what I should do. Anything I said would have related to being stressed, busy, or unsure. Not that it wouldn't be true. Those feelings haven't really changed. I'm still stressed, busy, and horribly unsure about nearly everything. But, now I can see things in a new light. Now, whatever happens, I'm alive so I'm going to enjoy it.

Sounds silly, doesn't it?

Perspective has turned inside of me. As we parted, I told her to try to enjoy life, whatever came.

Truth. I'm starting to feel real. Again? Yes, I think I was real once.

Ah, I guess I should catch up on some things. The vacation end. I was supposed to do that, wasn't I?

Well, that Sunday, Kristi and I left ridiculously early, and got back to Ricky's house in about an hour. So, we were there by 8:30. We actually ended up making the 9:30 service for church. I was pretty happy about that, because we had more time to spend together afterwards.

Yeah... I was really nervous. My hands were shaking the whole time, but it might have just been from the pain medicine I took earlier. What was I nervous about, though? Understanding, I think. The world has turned church and Christianity into something it was never meant to be, so I can imagine it would be hard to see clearly. When I talked to Cheryl that night, she even commented on how the sermon must have been hard to follow since it revolved around Scripture so much.

I don't know what else to say about that. It was good, and I know we all enjoyed it. I really like that church. If I could, I would travel 8 hours every Sunday to go.

It isn't just a nice place to be, or something you feel is a good thing to go to. It isn't a place that just suggests how you should live to be happy. Unfortunately, that is what the world made of it. But, they've obviously never gone any deeper than the surface.

That's been my secret dream... When I was at my church, I leaned over and whispered to my mom, "I wish Ricky was here next to me."

We went back to his house, and I fell asleep again soon after he put in a movie. Am I overtired? It's so easy to just close my eyes and lean against him like that. Nothing else in the world matters and nothing has to make sense.

Sometime after that we all went out to the hospital to see his mom. Although, I was fine with that, I was glad to have Kristi with me so we could be dorks together. We're good at that. I'd never been in a hospital room like that... Not even for Grandpa.

At the time I wondered if I would regret that. Not going to see Grandpa while he was in the hospital. But, I can't say that I do. I'd much rather have had the time with him when he was at home, where he belonged. I never wanted to have to see him look weak like that. It was bad enough seeing him unable to do daily things. I'm thankful for the catering job I had during that summer because I was able to stop by his house on the way home with a slice of pie once in a while. I love that. Nana continually thanked me afterwards about the times I stopped in with sweets like that after work. I'm glad I could do that for him. He was wonderful. That is the Grandpa I'll remember, and I'll love him forever.

But, back at the hospital. Surprisingly, I wasn't uncomfortable at all. I didn't know what to do, but I didn't feel awkward either. It was kind of a silly time, actually. But, unpleasant too. I'll never like doctors. I've had teachers like that. I hate them when they are teaching, but they are good people. That's the way doctors are to me. Really terrible at their job, even if they are okay. They don't know what is going on. I don't think I've ever heard of a case where the doctors actually figure out the problem before it kicks them in the face.

Nothing sounded promising about her condition. I'm not sure about the details as of now, but I sure hope they've at least made some kind of progress.

Leaving wasn't as hard as I had imagined. It was somewhat the same as when I left that last day at school. There wasn't any sadness. Kristi was in worse shape than me! When we got in the car she was quiet for a while and then suddenly had an outburst of, "This is so sad!" I just couldn't help but laugh.

It is hard. I don't know when I'll get to see him again, and Kristi definately doesn't know about when she'll see him or his family since she's going to be in Virginia and then wherever they send her after that. I never imagined wanting to go back to school so much.

Really... the friends I have made at school have become my other family. Jessica, Anthony, Andrea, Ricky...

I'm always whining about how I don't have any friends. Well, I still don't really have close friends that can really understand me. It's usually the "religious" things that get in the way. But, I have family now, and that is so much more important. I know that whatever happens, they are going to back me up. That's the only reason I'm going back next semester... But after that, I know I have other things to tend to...

I haven't forgotten my loathsome feelings for classes there. I haven't forgotten that I hate being in school. I haven't forgotten that I just want an apartment and a bakery.

"Loneliness is. . . . spending your days alone with your thoughts, your discouragements, and having no one to share them with."
-Neil Strait

I'm terrible with feelings. I'm alright if I'm alone, but when it comes to sharing or expressing them, I'm useless. A long time ago, back when I could care, I told those close to me that when they came to a time where they were hurting, I wouldn't be able to comfort them. That's a pretty bold thing for a kid to say, don't you think? It isn't that I didn't care, though. I cared so much, that it hurt me more than it hurt them sometimes. But, there was nothing I could say or do. I think it's because I understood that it wouldn't help. I just couldn't bring myself to give shallow bits of encouragement.

I don't know about now. Is it the same, or can I really not care anymore? Give me time to figure it out.



I've said this before, several times, but it remains true even now.

I feel like I'm still just a kid. Athough my mind has matured, I still feel as though I can't be ready for these things yet.

Lately, Musume songs keep coming up in my player, especially I WISH. It makes me feel bad... I don't know what to do anymore. Should I call? Visit? I don't know what to do, or expect, so it's hard to decide. It's already been a month since school has ended, but even so, I haven't gotten much of a chance to settle down. Took a trip to Syracuse, worked on the play, the trailers, been taking care of the house, Kristi, there's a baby in the family now... Am I just bad at balancing time?

I also listened to Shabondama yesterday. We were supposed to perform that one together this summer. But I don't know what is happening now... I can't do it alone.

I make it sound like that's all I want her around for. It isn't. Shojo Explosion has been a huge part of my life... and career. It's really just that important to me.

I got a little teary today, and I don't really know why. Man, I feel like a machine. At the time, I got frustrated with myself for falling like that, even. It's fine if I have a reason, but I didn't know what it was.

---
10:10 PM

Well, Dad just got home, and for a while, I was really happy. Then, he began complaining about all the things I did wrong. I guess I failed at taking care of things here.

No, I know he's just tired and stressed, like he always is. He isn't complaining about me... just the fact that the stuff is screwed up now.

Whatever the reason, I hate it when he does this. I never bother to tell him what I do right, so I guess he just doesn't notice. I know that he thinks I just sit around playing games all day. Well, I'll just keep working and screwing up.
---

Right now, I want to be rash about something. But, I know that wouldn't be fair to other people. And, I know I would regret it after I woke up from my rebellion.

It's going to be a long night...


-Lisa

Technicolor

Trying to come up with the words on how describe today is rather pointless. If I just say, "Today was a good day," you'd probably think it was just like any other day. But, if I say, "Today was stupendous!" that sounds weird.

It started yesterday, actually. Kristi was home when I got back from Massena, and I didn't know what to do at first. For a second, I felt like she was invading my home. I've been here alone so much that I've sort of claimed it. But, I got over that pretty quick (luckily) and we soon went into giggly/hysterical mode. That was fun.

I suggested we go for a bike ride, but the tires of both bikes weren't looking too good. Mine was still able to put up a good fight, but her's was too dead for a trip. We tried putting air in it... but we're just girls.

So, I rode, and she walked/jogged. The trip was refreshing, although, it hurt a bit because of all the exercising I've been doing. It makes me feel tough. I was hoping for a letter from someone in particular, but it wasn't there. There was a letter for me though, and the return address was written in Japanese. Who would be sending me mail from Japan? Hiroto? I haven't heard from him in a year, and he usually writes his address in english. So...

I couldn't wait till we got back, so I just opened it there, on the side of the road. It was one small sheet of Tinkerbell stationary, and at the bottom it was signed, "Aika"

Aika? Who is....

AIKA! MITSUI AIKA! FROM MORNING MUSUME!

That was my reaction, and I think I scared Kristi for a second with my outburst. Back when Mitsui wasn't feeling well, and ended up missing concerts, I wrote to her with a "get well" note. I wish I could remember exactly what I said, but it was a long time ago. I'm sure it included encouraging things, and I said something about hoping she isn't under too much pressure, etc.

I knew she probably wouldn't be able to read much of my letter, because the majority of it was in English, although I probably introduced myself using Japanese. I can do that much, at least. I just thought it would be nice to send a feeling. Especially after getting a reply from her, that was almost completely in Japanese, I can fully understand the feeling behind a letter you can't comprehend. The fact that someone will send a note like that, sends more than words ever could.

Although, I didn't need it to be translated to get any more excitement and appreciation from it, someone did explain it to me. I managed to understand all of the hiragana though, which I was pleased with. I just couldn't figure out the kanji.

Here's a picture of Mitsui...

And here is a copy of the letter...



---------
Dear Lisa,

Letter thank you [Thank you for your letter]
I'm sorry, my English is weak
So i'm going to reply in japanese

Waza Waza, a letter from america
Thank you
I'm really very happy ^.^

THANK YOU

Lisa san, you're very cute
very cute >.^

Do come to Morning Musume's Live!
--------

Since this is somewhat of a major occurence, I thought I should share it with the Mitsui fans on Hello!Online. In minutes I became a "hero" on the board. Heh... That's never happened before. People kept asking questions and congratulating me. That was nice...

"Yeah Kami. You're hands down a Mitsuiboard-Hero, First Class."

It was nice to know that she cared that I cared, you know?

Next!

This morning I got a call informing me that I am now an aunt! I guess Erika had a really terrible time last night, and I even felt bad when I went to sleep because I knew at the time she was awake and in awful pain. She had to have a c-section even. Poor girl ... I hope she starts feeling better soon.

This is crazy. I still haven't been able to grasp the idea of my brother being a dad and having a son. We're creating our family.

Other than that, not much has happened today. I drove around viciously in my dad's truck with Luca. We went out to the field to check on his corn. Vrooooom~!

I also made a trip out to Wally World to get Dad's Dad Day stuff. I printed a series of photos for him for the room downstairs. Not to brag, but I think they're impressive. If I had a better connection, I would post the photos here. Perhaps later, when I have hours to spare fighting with this connection.

Put them in simple, black frames so they look snazzy. Even the woman at the checkout desk complimented me on them.

Went for another bike ride today. I noticed the tire starting to fail though, and ended up walking it back. It only took ten minutes though, so that was good. I want to go for a long ride though. I might go down to Brent's and have him fill it up for me.

I walked it back more because it was painful, not so much because of the tire, though. Heh...

I picked up the mail on the trip, and got the letter.

But I'm not going to tell you about it. It's a secret!

Its been a good day! Now, I'm going to go visit Kristi and get in my dose of Old People. Tomorrow is Friday!



-Lisa

Another Day, Another Adventure

I told myself today that I couldn't keep writing here everyday. It doesn't look like that's going to happen though. Being alone like this gives me a chance to consider things, and writing thoughts down is the best way for me to get them sorted out. Now that I finally have some time to myself, I want to be able to remember things again. I've lost too many days because I've simply forgotten them.

So, what is on my mind today?

There was a really bad storm this afternoon, and it scared me. I've never been fond of storms, but they don't bother me so much now. This one was intense though, and with a tornado warning out, I wasn't feeling all that confident. I did all the right things, and was ready for the house to fall in on me, but it didn't stop me from shaking. When Kristi called to tell me it was coming, it was almost like I didn't believe her. It was perfectly clear out, and we almost never get storms as bad as they say. And, we didn't, but it didn't look too good either. When the wind started knocking over trees and kicking up clouds of dirt, I began to panic a little.

I made it out alright, though. In the end, I couldn't help but be disappointed that nothing else happened. The adventurer in me wanted more action.

Since then, I've been feeling tense. The storm shook me up and then led me to other problematic issues.

I'm feeling much better now. Anthony talked to me for a while; a serious conversation, even. That helped immensely. Finally, I was able to talk to someone about some pressures rather than just continually fighting with myself, leading my mind in circles over and over again. By talking about things, I was able to better analyze what is going on in my head. It was nice to get a different perspective on things without any restrictions.

Talked to Joe for a bit too about the same things. Now, I don't feel so lost. I know most of what I'm fighting with is just in my mind, but whatever it is, it needs to be dealt with, and apparently just talking about it with friends is my best offense.

Around the end of those conversations, my mom called. It had been a while since I was able to be completely open with her like that. I know it's just me. I'm getting grumpy again which makes me recoil from people I love. But, we got to figure some things out. Even if she doesn't say anything, when I tell her about things, life seems so much clearer.

Tomorrow should be nice. I'll be able to get out of the house for a while. It will be a good trip, and a bad one at the same time. I'm going to pick up my glasses from the eye place, but I'm going to have to fill up the tank in the car... which will be expensive. My credit card is over the limit... I'm going to have to get to one bank to take out cash to put in another bank so I can write a check for the glasses and contacts. I'm going to have to send packages and mail also, which will leave a small dent in my wallet.

Everyday I learn more and more about money management.

And so, I've concluded that I need a job. I can't be a proper maid without funds. I can't travel without them either. I had hoped to get some kind of paying freelance work by now. I thought Melanie's husband had something in mind for me, but I haven't heard anything. No weddings coming up either, it seems. None that I'll be filming, anyway.

Speaking of weddings and filming, I'd really love to try photographing a wedding. I'm still just an amateur, but I won't get experience if I don't just do it. Maybe a difference event first, but something formal, anyway. I want to photograph models. I always get a little scared when it comes to taking photos of people because when it comes to the actual shoot, I can never think of anything to have them do. I need to learn to plan ahead, and thoroughly. But, wedding photos would be beautiful, I think. Posing them, and taking spontaneous photos would be wonderful.

--

I wish I could have opened a bakery this summer. I would love that right now. For now, I'll just keep practicing and planning.

--

I came to a small conclusion about my previous rantings about travel and why I shouldn't just run away and go anywhere I want.

Responsibility.

It would be selfish to just leave my home, leaving all I grew up with to survive on it's own. I'll get to travel eventually, but when the time is right. I don't completely take back what I said. Well, I don't take any of it back at all. I just... think I've found part of the reason.

I'm finally going to get to spend some time with Jill. We're going to puppy-sit together Saturday night. Girl and nighttime always lead to a lot of talking, so this should be good. We can talk about girl things...

And boy things.

I hope you can see the moon tonight. It is a perfect half circle, low in the sky and orange.

-Lisa

=Be careful with her. She's delicate=

Abnormal to Normal

Are all the feelings I have normal, and I just don't realize it? Or do I just not know how to handle them?

So confused...

I can't figure out what is going on with me tonight, or most nights. Am I content? Do I have an inner saddness? It's hard to say, because even now I can smile and laugh over silly things. In fact, right now, I am laughing over absolutely nothing. I'm a little worried, because I think I'm getting hysterical. And yet, I've lost all of my ambition, and something inside is painful. Like, a lingering dream you can't remember, but you can still feel. There's just something that doesn't feel settled.

I'll let you know what I come up with. Someday, I'll get myself figured out.

Today was nice. I got my hair cut, so that won't be such a problem anymore. For a moment, I actually considered forgetting the whole idea and letting it get long again. I would probably be able to take care of it better now, and possibly even have it look somewhat nice. But, my hair has so much body to it that it just gets poofy in this heat, and I don't want to have to deal with that right now. My mind has been on so many other things that I didn't actually decide how I wanted it cut until this morning. First, I was going to get it cut just a smidge and was going to bring back my bangs, but at the last minute decided on something completely different. I want to be adventurous, and going super short is going to help me achieve that. I could have even gone shorter, and just might...

At least for now it is out of the way.

When evening was on it's way, and the sun was beginning to set, I found a small comfort in something vaguely familiar, and then again, not familiar at all. I was content at that moment. At that point I decided that no matter what comes, I will be happy with what I have. It was when I was reading and sitting silently outside. The sun made my body hot, and every once in a while, a breeze would quietly pass by, reminding me that there was life even in such heat. I watched as a caterpillar crawled towards the house and it made me wonder if insects really have goals. This guy really wanted to get into the house. But, why? I wonder what he had in mind...

It was then that I felt completely calm. Sure, there were others things to do. Laundry, dishes, studying... But I pushed all of that out of my mind for a bit, and understood what it meant to be young. I'm struggling with a lot right now. It seems like I'm always in the middle of some kind of mess. Nothing can take this away from me now. There will be times of sorrow and happiness, and every feeling inbetween, but I'm just happy that there can be those times. Memories will be created. It doesn't matter to me what kind they are anymore, I just want them.

Love me, hate me. Do anything to me. It will become another quiet memory that will be neatly tucked away in my mind. Whatever this moment brings, I will embrace it with every bit of me. This moment is mine, and it's the one thing that no one can steal from me.

Go ahead and try.

I want to live. Help me to live.

Right now, I am enjoying this loneliness I feel. Who knows how long it will be before I can feel this again? I am enjoying being alone in this house. It isn't everyday that I get a chance to run a home by myself. To be able to play any music I want, as loud as I possibly can. To sing or dance without being worried someone is going to walk in on me. To cook an entire meal, just for me. To not be asked to take care or something, but to do it because I want to. I love this. It may never happen again, so I'm going to stay right here and soak in everything that comes my way.

There was a moment where I couldn't imagine anything better than this. It's warm, I can walk outside at night without fearing the cold, I can do anything I want in a day - read, write, work, play - I can just sit on the porch and read forever with nothing to worry about...

Maybe I was lost in my imaginary world. Does it matter where I was though?

There is an endless list of things I could ask for. But, why bother? If I want something, I'll just do it myself. Life is better that way, don't you think?

Life has gone in a complete warped direction, and I don't know what is normal anymore. I can't say I'm entirely happy with it, but I'm not upset either. I like the change, but it's a bit much all at once. I need things to calm down a little I think. I guess I don't really help though. All I want to do lately is go on adventures. I hope my body can keep up with my mind. It hasn't been doing particularly well lately. I'm afraid of turning into the girl who dies at the peak of her life because of poor health, you know? I've always been that way.

I miss a lot of people. But, I'm not wishing for anything. What comes, will come, and I'll be happy with that. I think. I'm trying, anyway.

I miss Asher a lot. He used to always be here. I always thought he'd come back. He's my brother after all, and this is his family. He belongs here...right? I never imagined myself having to go an visit him a few times every year. It feels a bit like I'm missing out. He's growing up without me. Doesn't that sound like something an older sibling would say about their baby brother or sister? I don't know where I belong in this "older/younger sibling scale". I need him a lot right now. But, he's a little busy with other things.

I'm going to be an aunt by Thursday at the latest, you know.

Change, change, change.

It isn't so easy to live anymore. This way is better, because now, I really feel alive. As a kid, when things were hard, but not so complicated, I just went through. Do you know what I mean? I just took the day, did what I had to, and it would pass. That made highschool seem like an eternity. I was so miserable then, that I can't even remember much of it, because I didn't live it.

Is life really that complicated, or do people just make it that way?

Why do we restrict ourselves so much. Just recently, I've been asking myself these things. Today, if I get the sudden urge to go to Boston, why in the world not?

It would cost a lot to drive there, or to buy a train ticket.

So what? I can save up for things like that. I have money in my back account that is just going to be used up slowly by small indulgences like clothes or trinkets I barely care for. Why not direct that to something better? Can money really compare to adventure?

Where would you stay when you get there?

I'm pretty much an expert at finding places to stay now. I've been homeless for so long, that it really doesn't bother me anymore. I'm good with preparing things too. People travel. There are hotels, friends, parking lots... What is the worst that could happen if I don't have a place to stay the second I arrive? I wouldn't suddenly implode, would I? I'd probably wander around a bit, wondering where I would sleep. I'd get a hotel, or find someone I know to stay with (apparently, I have connections even I don't know about), or I'd just sleep in the car. Or, I wouldn't sleep. It wouldn't kill me. If this is all that is keeping me from an adventure, I think I'd just have a breakdown right now.

How long would you stay there?

As long as I want. I'm not really needed at home. Right now even... Sure, I'm taking care of the animals, but if I ended up going somewhere, friends or family could always check on them and take care of those things. We've done it that way before. Why should fun be spoiled because someone needs to feed the dog? I was wondering this as Kristi and I were leaving on that last day. Why were we leaving? We weren't needed at home. She wasn't going to start work for a couple more days. So... why did we feel like we had to go?

This is why I wish sometimes that I didn't have ties with anyone. No one to tell where I'm going, or when I'll be back. I want to just go, and decide for myself when I should leave.

Hah... I can't even think of any of the other factors of why not to suddenly go somewhere. Are there anymore? I would gladly argue my reasons for why they are wrong.

Am I just being foolish? Or am I speaking truths that others are afraid to admit? I asked my mom once why I can't just get an apartment right now. What were we waiting for? She said that I still had things to learn. I don't know what though. I can't understand that answer. What do I need to learn? I want to know so I can learn it. How can I move on if I don't know what I'm waiting for? What is there to know? And, how will I find out if I don't just do it?

Am I just anxious?

Am I... missing something obvious?

Whatever it is... nothing will ever be the same now. Somehow, I feel like I've been toyed with.

I want to know. Tell me.

There is something being stirred up in me that I can't get rid of. Don't like it die. Just let me go.

Sometimes, I feel like we think too much about things. I do, excessively. But, we just take up too much time not doing things. School. Why am I still going there? I don't like it. I don't want to go there anymore. So why am I? Because this is a passing phase? Because I don't have any other options? Because I'm too afraid to do something else...?

No, I'm not afraid. Not at all. So, why hasn't anything changed?

I think I'm finally beginning to understand what it is that I want.

We aren't done yet though.

We still have to talk about this thing called Love. What is it?







-Lisa

..Thanks for the reassurance, Disturbed. It's good to know you're alive too..

Unsettled

What's this all of a sudden? I stumbled upon a "Best of" concert by Morning Musume. From 2004? It's stirred up old memories - love for Musume, love for dancing, and memories made with friends.

Yeah. I want to dance again. I did a bit at school in the dance studio. It was more so to keep me alive at the time. I went there a lot late at night when I felt insane, and it helped. There was always a pain inside though, because I knew that even though I was practicing, it would never be used. I was mostly content with just challenging myself, and I have been doing that for a while. But, I can't get away from the idea of creating something. I want to keep Shojo Explosion alive... but...

Does anyone know if I'm still alive?

Since coming home, I've gotten the impression that no one really wants me around. Well, I know for sure that Kayla at least isn't going to be talking to me much. After the whole "incident," I doubt things will be the same. Mending takes effort, and I don't think either of us want to make that effort. Well, if that's the case, why don't we just agree to forget it? That'd be too simple though.

Something is up with Sam too. For some reason, she hasn't contacted me at all since I've been home. I guess I haven't gotten a hold of her either though. I probably did something wrong again. Heck, I don't know.

I'm supposed to be directing a play, but I know already that I just can't do it. I'm not focused. There's no way I can run something like that right now. My summer is just a jumbled mess of events with no dates. I have no idea what is coming next.

Those are other reasons why Shojo Explosion is falling apart. Failing friendships and me having no schedule. I want to dance. I don't think anyone can really grasp how important that is to me. But, no one else will help me, so I'm alone. The projects we started probably won't happen either. I felt like we were finally getting somewhere, but now...

Who knows. Maybe I'll be able to round everyone up again. Right now though, it looks impossible. Sam was my co-pilot in a way, and without her helping me, there's no way I can keep going.

What do you mean "without her"? Where'd she go?

I don't really know. She can't put up with me anymore or something. I really don't know. Maybe she's busy. Maybe she's waiting for me to call her first. Maybe she thinks I'm mad at her. Whatever. Trivial things. It's another thread to hold onto, right?

Tripping at the Gates of Hell.

Whatever else happens, I just want to be able to dance again. But... I can't be in charge anymore. There are too many other things in my head right now to be able to balance time, money, and peoples' moods.

Shojo has always been a battle for me. Do they care? Do they really want to do this? Will they see it through till the end? Those are always the questions lingering over me like an axe. It's all the same. It kills me to want to do something so bad, but have to sit on my hands and do nothing because someone else refuses to be dedicated to something.

Sorry, just blowing off some steam I guess. The concert just made me return for a moment to something I love, but probably will never see again.

I said a while ago that I would give more updates on the end of the "vacation", but I never did. Perhaps I'll get to it tomorrow. Sorry, again. I'm just a slacker.

As much as I love being alone, I don't think I can handle this for much longer.






-Lisa had her first taste of watermelon of this summer today

Lonelier and Longer

The days are long, but the nights are longer - and lonelier
I wait for the daylight-
but darkness holds me in her grip.

-excerpt from Strengthening Your Grip by Charles Swindoll

The Enemy is Down

Feeling a bit down today. Probably a mixture of being alone for the first time in a while, not being regular with my medicine (or other things), the gloomy weather, and this bothersome cold.

As for the cold, I'm coughing a lot today. My throat isn't as sore, and although I still have a constant headache, it isn't horrendous. The coughing hurts though. Everytime I cough there is a harsh sting in my chest. It should be over soon though. I can make it until then.

I went for my eye exam today. It was fun to be able to drive again (fast even!). I did end up forgetting to switch lanes though, and found myself on the bridge to Canada. After a twenty minute wait though, I managed to get back on track. It was also fun to be doing "adult things" by myself. Usually, if I'm with my mom and there are other adults around, I just let her handle things. But this time, I felt like I was on the same level as everyone else.

On the way back, I stopped at school to see Mrs. Kemp. Beth. I don't know what to call her now. I'm okay with saying "Melanie" finally. She wasn't there though, and neither was Melanie. I did run into Trudy and Candy though. I miss Candy...

A monitor person started chewing me out for being in the hallway during class and having a cell phone. Then she realized I wasn't a student. Apparently, she thought I was an eighth grader!

Ah, as for the eye exam, I'm going to have to get a special kind of lens for my right eye. I have a stigmatism, but somehow I expected that. It'll be nice to be able to see the way I should finally. I'll also be getting glasses, so I won't have to worry about falling asleep and slowly killing my eyes. The frames aren't bad. Cute, I dare say. I couldn't decide between that pair, or a sleeker, intelligent girl pair, so I asked the lady at the desk (who is always more than willing to provide advice on frames) and she said the first was more of a college girl look, so I should get them, being in college. Silly reasoning, but good all the same. We'll see...

It was on my way back that I started wishing more and more that Ricky was here. Again, nothing particularly exciting was happening, but just to have him sitting in the car while I drive would have been nice. I think about him a lot, but everyday I get more lonely for him. That sounds silly, doesn't it? It's strange how you can just be living your life, and you're fine, and suddenly you can't go a day without someone.

We talked about things last night that I've wanted to talk about for a long time, but never knew how to. Things regarding my faith... I've never had to try to explain these things before, because I've always been around other Christians, so I haven't needed to. This is difficult for me, especially after the beating I took this year. But, I still know where I stand, and I can't be moved. That doesn't come without heartache though... The Enemy may be down, but he isn't gone.

Adults are always telling kids that they need to look towards their future to prepare, or to see that there are consequences to actions, good and bad. Things like that. But, I think I do that too much. That's why I could never get along well with other people my age. I could see far beyond what they were creating at the time. The majority of my good times were spent with people older than me. When I was in 8th grade, my best friends were college students.

I enjoyed that, and I still do. I like being able to understand things that other people can't at this point in their lives. I enjoy being a part of a bigger society that most people can't see. Sometimes, it gets lonely though. I keep waiting for people to catch up.

But, I think now I need to learn to live where I am right now. To enjoy the fleeting moment, in a way. Just because I can see that something will soon end, doesn't mean I can't enjoy it while it's here, right?

I've lived better this way. Instead of days passing by quickly and without meaning, I am better able to take in things. Appreciating the present is something that many people don't know how to do, and I'm trying to learn.

Even so, I'm still the sensible girl that isn't easily fooled with fantasy. I never imagined I would be that way. I think books fooled me. I always thought I was the girl who's heart was full. Love, kindness, caring... it all came so easily to me. I was that girl for a long time. I don't know what happened, if it was a specific day or event, a series of events, or just time that blew out the warmth I used to have.

I'm just not what I used to be. I miss that girl, but this one makes more sense. Now, she can lead.

But, I never wanted to.

Can you balance a warm heart with a cold one?

Cold? Am I cold now?

What does it mean to be level-headed?

I think of my dad a lot when I make decisions, or just when I am going through a normal day. What would he do or think? I think he poisoned me with more logic I can hold. It isn't a bad thing. I just wonder if I'm missing something.

It's like ... kids my age are supposed to do stupid things and make some bad decisions. Am I missing out by not giving into desires like that? Maybe I should do something completely ridiculous, just to say I did.

But, this girl doesn't believe that is the answer. In fact, she doesn't believe there is an answer at all. This is just who she is, so let her be that way.




I have zippers in my ears!

-Lisa

I am Alone

I’ve finally broken through the wall my medicine constructed in my heart. I haven’t been taking it regularly, partially just because I’ve been busy and forgetting, and partially because, deep down, I don’t like what it’s doing to me.

I know, I know. I said you shouldn't skip your medicine. I’m convincing myself again that I don’t need it.

Tonight, I was finally able to feel pain. The only thing worse than pain, is not being able to feel at all. That medicine creates something inhuman, and I don’t want to be that. I want to be able to feel again. So far, it’s just shut down my emotions. Tonight, I was able to cry again.

It’s storming out.

You may feel alone
When your falling asleep
And every time tears
Roll down your cheeks
I know your heart belongs
To someone you’ve yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

I am very alone tonight, and suddenly, I can't stand being away from him.

-Lisa

No Cookies

Photos from our "vacation"

-Lisa

愛は現存するか。

We're home now, a complete week later. After a shower, making tea and soup, and tossing all the things from the car into my disaster of a room, it's time to just sit and read for a bit. Read...

Here are some throughts I typed up while at Pat and Cheryl's. They didn't have open wireless, so I hadn't a chance to post them here.

Tadaa!

---

May 30th, 2008
7:54 PM
Liverpool

Well, we made it. Pastor Bruce actually found a place for us to stay, so we’re here until sometime Monday. I would be at home at this very moment, probably moping around, if it weren’t for him. Thanks :]

We’re even staying with people we kind of know. Although I don’t think I’ve ever met them in person before this, I go to church with the rest of their extended family. Actually, I’ve probably seen them for some kind of special occasion. They’re really nice, and live in a beautiful house. We’re staying in the basement which is practically an apartment. I think it might be reserved for their grandchildren, seeing as how the beddings have princess/boy themes and there are toys everywhere. They have the cutest, most well-behaved dog too.

Maybe the dog is why I feel sick… no, that started earlier. Yeah, I don’t feel well again. It isn’t too serious, it just feels like that cold that was picking on me at the beginning of the week is coming back. But, worse. Now my throat hurts so bad, I can’t really speak. I don’t exactly have any access to remedies either. I would ask for Nyquil, but my body likes to be too silly with that stuff. Who knows when I would start hallucinating! I think I might just try to sleep in a little while. I had hoped to get the play completed tonight, and probably would have been able if I didn’t feel like this. But, I have made a good deal of progress in the few hours we’ve been here. It probably has to do with me not having access to anything else (internet, games, movies…).

I haven’t complained so much when I don’t feel well like I used to. But, I really feel terrible.

The past two nights have been wonderful, and at the same time, it’s been harder to say goodbye. I think because, towards the end, we’ve actually gotten a bit of time to ourselves. In my head, I realize that he has to leave. I accept that even before it happens. He has to, and I can understand that. I almost appreciate it even. That sounds weird, doesn’t it. I guess I mean that he isn’t so caught up with me that nothing else in the world matters. Although I’m sure that other people would say that it would be terribly romantic, I think it’s foolish. Life is still happening, and it needs to be tended to. If you are involved with someone who ignores responsibilities, you are most likely going to run into some big problems.

I guess I’m still that realist.

Even so, it’s hard to let him go. Sure, I wish he didn’t have to work, but he did, and that’s fine. Besides, things were just wonderful the way they were.

There is something I want to write while running around on this topic, but even I don’t know what it is.

I still haven’t gotten a chance to do my “sit down by myself and think” thing. It would probably help me immensely. My mind just has to find its way out of this fog. This isn’t even normal fog. Usually, if you feel confused about something, you know why. Suddenly, I can’t even grasp what it is. Why do I feel like this? What is the feeling anyway? Am I apprehensive? I think so.

Earlier, sometime last week, I was really worried about something. I didn’t even know what it was at the time. It was probably after I talked to my mom about a couple things that it started in. I wondered things like, “What is keeping me here? Why do I want to be with him all the time? When did I actually look at him and want so badly to spend as much time with him as possible? When did it go from me sitting on the other side of the table, not being able to say anything, to me resting in his arms, still unable to speak? Why is it that on that one night, we sat on opposite ends on the room and talked about everything, and now I don’t have anything left to say? If we weren’t attracted to each other like this, what would keep us being friends?”

There. I think that was it. Am I still worried? I don’t know. Not right now, but it isn’t gone. Just tucked away while I’m here. When I get home, I’ll probably go back to thinking all the time and wondering and considering things that can’t be answered.

The last one is the my biggest concern. I’m afraid that we’ll get too caught up in being boyfriend and girlfriend, that we won’t be able to be friends. Affection. We’ll just want to sit and hold each other so much, that we won’t be able to not do that. We won’t be able to talk and have fun like friends should. A lot of that is just me though. I want to lean against him all the time. Actually, a couple days ago, it took me forever to build up the courage to sit close to him. Suddenly, I became comfortable with the idea and I latch on to him whenever I get the chance. So I guess even though I’m worried about it, I’m not helping either. I don’t think that if we avoided contact it would make anything better though. Maybe we just need to talk more. Not about the “important issues,” but about others things. Again, I’m not helping because I never know what to say. My mind always goes completely blank when I’m with him.

So, when I said it was easy to talk to him, it was true. For the most part, it still is. That is, if I can remember what I was going to say. Writing has always been so much easier for me, because I can just sit and think for a while. That’s why I’m still writing this and it’s midnight now.

Maybe it’s just because we haven’t seen each other for a while though. I think I’m content with that idea. When school starts again, we’ll get to see more of each other, and become more comfortable.

I’m not usually such a coward about things. Well, no. Not a coward. I’m usually not so cautious, I guess. But, I’ve never been in a situation like this before, either. This is one of the most important things in my life so far, and finally there is something serious to think about. Maybe that’s it. It caught me off guard.

But, in the back of my mind, or my soul, or wherever this is coming from… I’m telling myself that I never want to get used to this feeling.

I’ve said it before. I’m scared. But, I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. I just want to figure out what I’m afraid of, so I can either overcome it, or just deal with it. I just need to know so I can move on.

So far I know that part of me is just afraid of myself. Why? Why do I fear myself? Because I’m changing, I think. I’m afraid of losing who I am. I’m afraid of… forgetting things. Forgetting who I was, who I’ve always been. Afraid of forgetting what I should be.

More specifically, if I were alone on this trip, I don’t know if I would actually have taken Ricky’s Dad’s offer of staying in the apartment for a few days.

That doesn’t make sense to you, does it?

Not knowing, though, means I wouldn’t immediately say no, even though I was told this couldn’t work out by my parents. I love my parents, I trust them, I believe in them. That’s why I’m scared. Although I don’t know if I would go against them and stay, I can’t say I wouldn’t.

I actually had a long talk with Kristi just now about a lot of life things. We both have somewhat of the same fears. Change. Yes, change is good, and we’re both actually looking for change, and hoping it can pop out at us around every corner. For once, we’re living, and enjoying our lives. The fears are of bad changes though. Becoming someone you never want to be. Not so much because someone else makes you that way, but because we allow ourselves to, because nothing else seems to be working.

Again, my body hasn’t stopped shaking. It could be for a number of reasons.

You know, as much as I carried on about how good this medicine has been for me, I think it is blocking a part of me. It’s restraining something. Feelings that were out of control before, are now being restricted completely. I think that is why I can’t cry anymore.

Things have been a bit unstable too. I’ve forgotten to take it the majority of this week, so my body and mind are a bit messed up right now.

Typing, typing. I just want to keep writing. It keeps me alive.

Naivety. I wonder if I’ve already done something that wouldn’t be approved of. To me, it’s fine, but that is because I completely trust him, and I’m comfortable. I keep thinking back to when Asher and Erika were dating though and there was that time where she fell asleep while she and Asher were at Eric’s house. It blew up into something terrible. At the time, I completely understood, but now that I’m here, I feel like it shouldn’t matter so much. I still understand it, but I either just don’t care, or …

Like, the night that it was just me, him, and Anthony in the basement. Me and two guys in an empty building, sleeping in the basement. Was that wrong? It isn’t like I fell asleep on purpose, but I wouldn’t have fought it either.

I've been alone with Anthony plenty of times, late into the night too. He'd usually stick around until 2 AM all week, and it would just be the two of us in the basement of an abandoned building, talking.

“You're doing fine.”

No matter how many people tell me that I’m doing the right thing, I still have myself to get past. I have to fight the battle within me. Even with everyone else’s approval, I have yet to come to a conclusion with myself.

Well, I feel better now. I think that tomorrow, I might actually feel content with myself. Kristi and I are going to go to Ricky’s house and spend most of the day there. We might drag Anthony along. We’re going to have to wait for him to call before any plans are made solid (although, on this trip, nothing has been solid), so we were considering just leaving in the morning, before he’d even be awake, and waiting in his driveway. Eventually, I’m sure we’d probably just barge in and pounce on him to wake him up. :D

We’ll see what’s to come. Hopefully breakfast. I’m hungry…

Yep. I’m happy.

Today, I bought a brown cardigan that matches the dress I wore. I didn’t feel right with bare shoulders, and wanted to find one. Kristi found it as I was giving up the search. It was absolutely perfect! Exactly the image I had in my head. That’s never happened to me before. I’ve never actually worn clothes that matched so well!

-Lisa





May 31st, 2008
Liverpool
7:47

Work. Yeah, I should be doing that. I will, but I wanted to write for a while first. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.

Today was really great. Somehow, it was really short, but good all the same. Kristi and I left sometime around 10 this morning towards Ricky’s house. He said he would call when he got up, and that would be sort of a cue for us as to when to go to his house. But, we didn’t really want to wait. We knew we’d probably get lost, and we were going to stop for groceries anyway, so we just took off. And we did. Get lost, that is. Well, not so much lost as just off track. Kristi stresses out way too much about that stuff. As for me, I just figure that if we go the wrong way, we’ll just explore a little, and then get back on. I mean, people that come from that direction have to be able to have access to where our destination is too. A wrong turn isn’t a trap you can’t escape from.

When we turned on to his road, I panicked a little. A flood of questions ran through my head. Silly things, like, “What if he’s working with his dad today and that’s why he hasn‘t called? What if he’s still sleeping?”

None of that really matters though. So what? If he was still sleeping, we would have just waited for him to wake up, or would have attacked him and forced him awake.

Actually, no one was home when we arrived. The door was locked, and no one answered the phone. Somehow, I was content though. We wandered around a little and sat on the back porch. Although it looked like it was going to rain on us, it was quite warm out, and I was comfortable. I’ve never felt so comfortable in a situation like that either. I’ve only been in that house twice, and already I feel like it’s home. His dad helps a lot with that. I like how when he goes to leave somewhere he tells us where he’s going and about when he’ll be back. Then, he tells us to drive safely on our way back. I wish we could have stayed there…

We didn’t get to stay for a long time, and we didn’t really do anything terribly exciting, but for some reason, I especially enjoyed being there today. Upon leaving, I really just felt at ease.

We got to talk a bit. We laughed, joked around, and told stories. I enjoyed that.

We’re all going to church tomorrow. This is a dream to me. Even at the very start of planning this trip, I had hoped that more than anything else, we would be able to go to church on Sunday. It was impossible. It even became more impossible as the week progressed. But then, suddenly, tomorrow is Sunday, and we’re going to be there.

Actually, now that I think about it, I’m kind of nervous. I tend to do this. I only think about how to get somewhere, or do something, and I don’t really consider what is going to be the result of it. I think it will go well. He seems to want to go, but I’m worried a little about what he’ll think of it. I hope we can talk about things, before and after. There’s essentially something I really need to talk to him about, and it’s something that has been lingering in my heart since the very first day, but I’m having quite a difficult time bringing it up. I want to be able to talk about it before we’ve gotten too far in our relationship, but it just feels like there isn’t enough time right now. It isn’t something that can just be said. I have to… explain myself, I think.

I’ve gone over it again and again, and even I don’t know what to do. Being unequally yoked…

For now, all I know is that tomorrow I’m going to keep him close to me. I think we’re both going to be somewhat anxious.

Currently, I’m trying to explain to Kristi that leaving at 7 AM to get to Ricky’s house and back to church is a tad ridiculous. Even if it took an hour to get to his house, it would only be 8 o’clock, and that is quite early. We’re probably even going to be able to make it to the early service, just because Kristi is so worried about time, and wants to wake up at 6:30 in order to get to the 11:00 sermon.

Sometimes…

-----

I can’t tell if my cold is getting better or worse. My throat doesn’t hurt as bad today, but my head does, and my stomach is really killing me. Now, my whole body aches. What a mess.

-----

Soon, I’m going to go home. It will be nice not to have to be concerned about where I’m going to be sleeping, or about food. I won’t have to worry about what is coming next. But, I don’t know when I’ll get to see Ricky again. The two weeks we were out of school seemed like forever. August is a long time from now…

---

Hah. Yeah, I said I wouldn't have to be worried about food, but in fact, I do. Mom isn't home, so I'll probably be the one to go grocery shopping, seeing as how both Dad and Kristi are going to be working all the time. But, there isn't a vehicle here I can use, and I don't think I can pay to feed a family for weeks.

I'm really anxious to do something rather than just sit around. I want to bake, or clean, but feeling like this isn't agreeing with those activities. My cold just keeps getting worse.

I'd like to continue writing and give the conclusion of the week, but I can't right now. I'll be back though!

Photos are coming!

-Lisa