疲れた - Sleepy

Lately I've been ridiculously tired. I don't mean to complain about it, because I don't have much of a reason. I just think it's odd. Well, I do still keep waking up around 7 and I've been feeling sick a lot, but these are things I'm used to now. It didn't bother me while at home, and I was doing more while there. Or, at least, I think I was.

It seems that my mind is a bit foggy right now.

Last night we went to Funk 'n Waffle, just as I had hoped. I like being able to go out with friends like that. I don't mind being around people I don't know well anymore. It's like I'm becoming an adult or something.

But, even now, I feel like I'm just a child.

After a bit of traveling and not know what we were doing, we managed to get back to the dorm and put a movie in. Movies and games are mostly what have been going on lately. I knew I had to work on this play most of the night, but I'm used to doing that. That is one of the reasons why I'm staying in the dorm, even though recording is done. I have a deadline, and it helps me to work(I've been working on it since 9 this morning, and this is my break). For some reason, though, I got really frustrated with it last night, and could barely even touch it.

Something happened to all of us last night that made everyone tired. We reflected on what we did that evening, and it hardly called for naps. But somehow, none of us managed to see the end of the movie.

Kristi went to bed somewhere towards the beginning. I knew she was overly tired, but I don't think she wanted to accept it. I can always tell with her.

Anthony fell asleep somewhere around then too. Silly guy. I woke him up a little after midnight, and the first thing he said to me was, "Where am I?"

I partially fell asleep. It was after giving up on trying to concentrate on the play that I crawled up next to Ricky and rested against him. It seems like everytime we've watched movies together, I just want to fall asleep leaning against him. At one point I noticed that my head must have been gradually been falling because eventually I could hear his heartbeat.

Last night was a little strange for me. He had to leave sometime around 11, which I knew he would. I didn't even feel that distraught about him leaving on the last day of school. I can't pinpoint as to why either. I didn't want to let go of him...

I wanted to walk with him outside, and I kept saying it over again in my head, but I was so tired that I could barely speak. After he left, I laid back down on the couch and slept for an hour. I just wanted to sleep there all night, but it was too cold.

I'm waiting on Paster Bruce to get back to me. I sent him and email last night asking if he could somehow get us a place to stay for the weekend. That was a bit awkward, and I told him that. All my life I've hated asking people for things. Even now, I go over what I'm going to say or do countless times until I work myself up into a sweat over something silly, like asking Jessica if we can go grocery shopping.

So far, things seem to be going in a good direction, though. He immediately wrote back to me and said he would check with some people. He's supposed to call me sometime today (I think), so I need to get out of this basement so the call will actually go through.

Ah, it's time to go. Hopefully Pastor Bruce will have a solution for me, seeing as how this play isn't even close to being finished, and I already know there is no way I can stay up all night editing. I'm losing my insomnia powers I think.

-Lisa

Code

It's evening now, and I'm feeling better. Although my desires haven't changed, I feel a bit more at ease. Did something happen to make it that way? Not so much in the physical world. My mind was resting for a short while, and it gave me a chance to recuperate.

But still, even now, I'm dizzy and short of breath. My body is still tense and my pounding heart makes my body shake. I know what it is from, but I don't know why.

I realize that I'm thinking too much about certain things, and trying to figure out stuff that either can't or shouldn't be touched (yet). I've even been told that. I know, but I have to learn it. I learned a bit today, just from a settled mind. No matter what knowledge I have, or advice I can take in, my soul has to be the one to accept something.

Can you believe it? I have almost twice as many entries than I did in all of 2007 already. Most of them in May. A lot has been on my mind, and lately this has really been my only complete release.

This evening, Anthony, Kristi, Ricky, and I (plus two of Anthony's friends who I don't know) went to watch Indiana Jones in the theatre. It's been far too long since I saw a movie in a theatre. It was great. Yeah, the movie was pretty good, but being there was just what I needed. I think staying in the "house" all day melts my brain. The theatre was quite impressive too(probably only to me, since the only theatre I've been in is stinky Massena's). I felt like I was sitting in an airplane seat. I also quite enjoyed the audio level and quality. For ages theatres have made me terribly nervous because of the loud noise and the dark, tingling air. But, this was nice. The gunshots were sharp, and all other sounds were so crisp. It made me jump, and that is something I've missed in movies.

Squishing in the back of that girl's car was interesting too. What an adventure :] I miss those.

I'll have to keep it short because I'm running out of battery. I could plug in my laptop, but there are still dishes to be washed, books to be read, and dreams to be dreamt.

But, I just so I can bring this entry to a point, I'll say this...

Never felt like this before.

-Lisa

Unknown - Disconnected

Tense. That's how I am today. I don't really feel like myself, and I don't like that at all. For now, I think I just need to write. Not particularly about anything specific, but just to keep typing and producing words.

I really wanted to write on paper, but for now, I don't have that luxury. Writing fiction has come back with a new beginning for me. Although, I haven't suddenly become active again, the desire has returned.

The basement, or dungeon, is an eerie, cold place. A place where delinquents escape the real world to drink their beer, ignore society, and live for a moment in a place they call Pretend(whether they know it or not).

I enjoy it here. Mostly, anyway. It holds good and bad memories. It's become a second home to me, actually. This is my kitchen. Kristi and I have only been here for about a day, and already I feel like I'm tending to my home. That feels nice.

For a while, I was empty. A robot. The days would go by, and I stopped bothering to count them. I lived in a gray world. But, slowly, color came back into the world, and I began to live again. I started writing down ideas again, and, even in its smallest proportion, I cared. Life started filling me up again.

So, what had happened to me? Now, I'm tense, and I want to be empty again.

I don't know what's going on. I can't form any words in my head, or come up with any sort of hypothesis on what my soul is doing. My chest tightens up and needles shoot into my abdomen sometimes. Dizzy... For a little while, I just want to be alone. To think? Maybe. But, maybe just to be empty too.

Part of me knows where it belongs. The other, doesn't. I'm becoming more content with where I am though. Home is good. I like it there. But it's a little lonely sometimes. Not because no one is around, or doesn't want to listen to me. Home is quite the opposite. Hmm...

Here, although I don't really have a permanent place to say is mine, I've adopted places in a way. The dungeon, for one. The balcony of the PAC. Again, these places are lonely, but they're mine, and I'm happy with that.

I can't think clearly. I don't want to think at all, but I can't help it. It's the only things that helps anyway. Thinking, pondering, considering. I wish it was warm out, like it was last night. I'd go for a walk, or lay in the grass and leave my soul vacant.

I need to be blunt with myself. At least I've started to learn that. Otherwise, I just keep going in circles. Alone, though. Lately, I realized that when I try to write something down, or tell someone, I try to cover myself. To prove something, with evidence. To make sure that whoever I am presenting this to will fully understand. But now, I need to just think about it alone, where I'm not worrying about who will understand.

Sometime this week, I hope we can go to the Funk 'N Waffle. I'm terrible with figuring out bus schedules, though. It might be more trouble than it's worth, but even so, I like it there. It's a good place for casual chatting.

A disconnection. That's what I want right now. To not have ties, and be able to just escape on my own. I want to travel and not tell anyone where I'm going. That isn't possible though, is it...

---

More specifically, this week is going to be nice, but frustrating too. Being here, but not being able to easily get places makes me feel so restricted. The semester was somewhat like this too because I didn't have a car. Now, there is a car, but it can barely be used. Instead, we're trying to take buses, walk if we can, and get rides from other people. This is complicated and annoying. It's even more painful to be closer to what you want, and still not be able to reach it.



-Lisa - she's scared.

Real Me, Real Feelings

Lately, a lot of things have been going through my head. I've had to continue thinking about what I should do with my life, where I should go to school for the next three years, where I should live, how to get there, how to survive...

And now, I'm no longer single.

As of Monday, the 12th, actually.

This is something I'm quite ecstatic about, but also terrified of. I'd rather not go into too much detail, because this is actually one of the very few things that I find too personal to write about online. Actually, it may even be the first.

My whole life, I've been waiting for the one guy who would willingly and thoroughly care for me. It was even painful sometimes, because I had become convinced that such a thing could never happen. My parents, especially my dad, have said things like, "She's going to make some guy really happy." I think that's really sweet, don't you? I had hoped so too, but over time, I came to believe that this person I am just wasn't capable of being accepted by anyone in this world. Not because I'm no good, but just because no one would want a girl like me. I'm a complicated girl, you know.

It was more so after a discussion I had with Asher that killed my dreams of love. Everything he said was true, and I'm glad he told me those things, but it lead me to give up. He told me things like, there isn't the "One" that girls always dream of. That's only what society and the media has force fed the public. Whoever you marry is who you chose, not because this person is specifically for you. That doesn't mean you were always "meant" to be together. It also doesn't mean that if your marriage works out perfectly, it was fate, and if you end up hating each other, it's because you made a mistake, or that was also fate. Marriage is something created, and not just something you fall into and let it do whatever it is supposed to do. God does prepare someone for you, but that doesn't mean he's going to be the perfect fit, just for you. He may not be something you expect or think you can handle at all.

(I'm paraphrasing. He didn't say it in these exact words, but this is what I remember myself interpreting it as.)

I completely agree with him. But, I guess when he talked about it, it seemed to me like love was just another trial that people throw themselves into. I know there is a lot of work that goes into it, but I guess I stopped caring at that point.

"I don't believe in love. It's just something society created because it was bored. These people don't really love each other, they just think they do, and they try to keep this lie alive because it's fun, or they think that they have to. I hate love."

As bad as that sounds, I think I grew up at that moment. I stopped waiting. I stopped looking at everyone, hoping that one of them would just jump out at me and say how much they love me. I decided that I could live without someone watching out for me. I could live just fine on my own, and I would. All I wanted at that point was to escape from society, and live alone, keeping my secrets to myself. Even if that really did happen, I think I would still be okay. Somehow, I matured at that point. I was able to leave those little girl dreams behind me, and move on.

And now look at me. Thinking about him all the time, keeping my computer close by in case he sends me a message, grinning everytime someone says his name, staying up into the foggy hours of the night, not even having to talk to him, but being satisfied knowing he's on the other end. Everytime the phone rings my heart starts pounding, even though I'm almost positive it won't be him.

I think that I was finally ready for this. I've told that to a couple people too. If you just keep waiting, thinking about it all the time, nothing is going to happen. If a guy sees you looking, he's either going to think your a baby, or take advantage of you. You need to just live your life, and what he sees, will really be you, not some silly girl who is trying to act a certain way to catch someone. You need to be complete before you can move on.

It makes me think of the choice video game characters have sometime, where they are told they have to sacrifice one of their party members, and end up saying they'll sacrifice themselves. They are completely ready to die, but end up not, and actually are able to move on after that.

Does that make sense?

There are a lot of things to think about. I'm sure that for normal people, you just say, "Hey, let's go out," so you do. You hold hands, hug, kiss, whatever, because that's just what people do what they are dating. If one of your friends, or even your enemies, says something that might hint at making you doubt the other person, the relationship quickly ends.

But, that's so childish. I knew it way back in elementary school too.

We've talked about a lot of things in the few days we've been together. I don't know if anyone else can do this, or if they care, but I'm just so glad that we can talk to each other so easily. For ages, my blog has been the only thing I've ever opened up to completely. This is the very essence of who I am. Things like, "I'll miss you" I could never say to even my closest friend, and now, I can say exactly what I'm thinking to him. I've never been able to do that before, and it makes me happy to know I won't always have to be alone.

Right now though, my heart feels empty, or exhausted. I've spewed out all these thoughts and emotions all at once, and it needs time to refill. For a couple days, and especially last night, I wanted to cry. My heart is so tired, and needs a break. But, I couldn't. For some reason, my eyes won't tear up anymore. I don't particularly want a reason to cry, but when my soul feels this way, not even words can heal.

You can feel bad for me if you want, but I won't be mad at you if you don't. I'm enjoying myself, the person I am now, and I'm happy with where I am. I just need a little time to myself, maybe.

I was actually talking to a "Home Friend" today, and noticed something about how I've changed and other people haven't. A lot of it happened at the end of the semester, after I met him. He made me see things differently. Life in general. Just from things he's said, and his responses to when I complain, has made me start to see things in a better light. I try to live better now. Of course life is going to be dull if you let it. That's why we just need to be content with what we have. That's the only way we'll ever be happy. That's my mentality now, or at least what I'm trying to make it. So far, I've been much happier.

Everything my friend said to me was dim and negative. It wasn't because there was anything particularly bad going on. It's just normal stuff, and I guess she just doesn't care to enjoy herself.

I'm glad I'm not like that anymore. I'm glad I'm okay with living now.

That is why I can say that if something happens, and he and I grow distant, I will never regret these days. No matter what happens, my life has changed, and I could never thank him enough for that.

The things we've been talking about have been good. Good in the sense that we have been able to discuss important topics and get some things settled, and figure out the other person's views. I'm probably trying to figure out things too fast. We haven't known each other terribly long, and there are plenty of more days to be spent talking to each other and just enjoying being together. I know that. But, I'm worried. Not just worried, but scared.

I have knowledge on things like this. I have what I know to be right in my head, and I can realize what I want and keep my wits about me. But, this runs so much deeper than I could have ever imagined. A lot of it is just from seeing other couples. The relationships I've seen are always so shallow, that I couldn't really imagine having to stick up for myself so much. I'd much rather have it this way, than some kind of surface-based "friendship" that we feel we have to carry on with.

Some of it I am completely comfortable with, and other things, I just really hate.

I really hate it.

I don't want to say anything specific, but just in general, there are things we've talked about that I've never had to think about seriously before. Nineteen, and still just a kid. A lot of things are me not being able to understand everything, but still knowing what I belief. It's hard to explain though.

Basically, I'm afraid of losing him because of my beliefs. It isn't so much because I don't want to be hurt. First relationship and all... That's not really it. It might just be my mind getting too creative again, but I'm really afraid of hurting him. He told me some things that night that make me feel like he needs me, possibly even more than I need him. I don't want to mess anything up for either of us, but at the same time, I can't compromise what I believe.

I can admit that I shy away from affection. It has taken me all these nineteen years to be able to hug someone of my own free will. I'm not scared though. It isn't just something I need to, and will get used to over time. Affection has meaning to me, and if I can't see the meaning, or if it is abused, I don't want it. I'm careful, possibly a little afraid, but being afraid isn't what the "problem" is. This is me.

My mom started talking to me like a mom the other day. She's never really had to "discuss" anything so serious with me before, that it was painful. It was then that I realized no matter what vows I had previously made for myself, they can so easily be ignored. That's what scared me. I've never so vividly seen myself going against everything I know.

Just to make it clear, I have no doubt in my mind that I am safe with him. My feelings about myself have changed, and that is where the trouble lies.

Maybe I'm just scaring myself. Convincing myself that I'm weaker than I've always been.

Right now, there is something I want to say quite bluntly, but it wouldn't be appropriate to do so here. I don't know if I could anywhere, except in my head.

This is one of the things I never thought I would get to in my life. I never thought I would live to see eighteen. I never thought I would get to college. Not necessarily because of anything (although being sick all the time did discourage me), but mostly because I just couldn't imagine it. I thought the world would probably end before that, or I'd die of something.

So, it's exciting, actually. I'm enjoying myself through every second of this.

He's bound to get annoyed with me soon. I must be really hard to handle. Normal girls are probably a lot easier to be around because they don't have all of these morals set for themselves. Things must be less complicated. I wonder if I'm still the same girl he thought I was when we were both shot with that feeling.

There are some things to be talked about this week, and it's going to be hard. For now, though, I'm just glad I'm going to get to see him. I wish he could come here and meet my dad. My dad can say things a lot better than me.

---

When he asked me that night, and I said I would, I probably should have asked him if he was really sure he wanted to date me.

But.... I think he would have said yes. :]

---

I'm doing suprisingly well for getting four hours of sleep again. Hopefully my body will either let me sleep longer in the morning, or just adapt to a four hour schedule. I'm pretty much okay with that, as long as it doesn't make me sick or crazy. Midnight, when no one else is awake, I get a little lonely.

---

It has taken me since early this morning to write this entry. I keep getting interrupted, but I don't mind. It has given me a chance to rest my heart and mind a bit, and I've been spending a lot of time today with my dad. Lately, I've wanted to spend a lot of time with him, but haven't known how. He's usually working and when he gets home he's tired, and keeps working. On weekends he's building something, or taking care of the garden. So, today I helped him plant corn. He asked me yesterday if I would, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Usually when I work with him, I just hinder him because I don't know what he wants or what I'm doing. Things were easy today though. I basically just had to walk around while he used the corn planter and checked to make sure things were working properly. He got to tell me how things worked, which I know he enjoys. Whether or not I especially enjoy talking about corn, at least it can be something we share. I hope there will be other things soon.

There are too many words now. I'm done.

I was wondering if you were still awake
And I, I called you up, got scared and hung up
And I'm not sure if I can understand the pain
That held you back, that held you back, oh

Take me away
I feel okay
Come back some other day

Smile, if only for a little while
Please smile, from the start you've played the part
Your smile, I gave you the heart you're tearing apart
Your smile, took me in but it's no friend

Take me away
I feel okay
Come back some other day

-Some Other Day, Flick

-Lisa

Medical Updates

It occured to me today that I never said what medication helped when I was so blue. I know that there are plenty more people out there that have had, or are experiencing right now, the same feelings. For me, it felt like forever before there was any change for the better. I don't want anyone to have to go through that...

Before I even saw a doctor, I got a hold of some wellbutrin and took one pill every morning. Eventually, when I did see a doctor, she said that was probably the best thing for me, and was able to prescribe some. We just ordered a refill, and instead of getting wellbutrin, we recieved a generic brand (Bupropion) which didn't cost us anything, rather than the hundreds it would have been for the name brand stuff. That was a plus. So far, the generic seems to be working perfectly fine.

As for side effects, for the first month or so I was extremely shaky, and got dizzy often. I don't remember the transition period completely, but I remember wondering if people could see my body vibrating as they talked to me. It went away eventually as my body adapted to the medicine though.

The last week of school I stopped taking it because I thought it was why I was waking up sick every morning. I'm still not sure why that happened exactly. It was probably just a combination of things. But, I could definately see a difference at the end of the week. I didn't slip back into the hole I was in, but I could feel myself getting ready to.

Don't skip your medication.

Eventually, I won't have to take it everyday. For now though, I just want to be able to stay stable.

I hope that helps anyone that might be looking for answers.

Now I have to go call the doctor to sort out some other health issues, and make some tea to try to get rid of this cold.

-Lisa

Soulless

I'd like to reflect a little on the whole crisis that happened in the beginning of last semester. I wrote a lot during that time about how hopeless things were, and now that it has passed, I think I should give the conclusion.

Quite honestly, I can't really remember what happened. I know the things I keep repeating when people ask, but it's all really just empty. That whole part of my soul was really just sucked away. That doesn't make it go away though... it's just numb. For now.

I did get through it, but not without wounds. I broke. People have actually congratulated me on getting through such an experience. Somehow, I almost feel hurt by that though. It's not like it was just another test. This was every bit of my soul.

My faith was really hurt during this time also. The typical reaction for people to have when something goes wrong is, "Where were you God?" This isn't so much what happened with me. I don't even think it can really be explained in words. I think my soul just got so battered that it wrapped up inside itself. I was scared, but didn't want any help. I think I was just afraid of everything, and gave up so much that I didn't even bother asking God for help.

I didn't stop believing, and I didn't lose my faith. But, I didn't develope at all either. It isn't like this experience has strengthened my "spiritual walk" as many people assume that it must have. Generally speaking, when a Christian is "attacked" by evil, and they are able to get through it, they feel like they have grown stronger in their faith.

I don't quite know what happened to me. I think that, although others may think the situation came out positive (and it did eventually, in many ways) and was a success, I really just died and eventually floated back to the surface to a crowd of people that thought that everything must be okay because I'm alive again. It isn't enough just to be alive though.

Back to the faith thing though...
The point I am at now feels like I've gone back several years of my life. I remember as a kid, I knew the stories, the rules, the answers... But, I didn't really let Jesus live inside of me. I lived like a Christian, but I got stuck in that ditch between having religion and having a relationship with Christ.

It wasn't until my Sophmore or Junior year of highschool that I realized that I wasn't going anywhere. I started praying, real prayers, and reading my Bible every night. It isn't that I never did this before, but it was at that point where I wanted difference. Change happened. I changed from being a dumb girl who just followed along with stupid highschool antics, to someone who could really stand her ground, and make decisions on her own. I can't say that I suddenly became this Godly woman, but I was able to see things clearer.

When the incident happened, I retracted from everything I ever knew. It isn't that God forgot about me, or he was just seeing how I would do on my own. I know He was there, because when I look back, I really wonder why I didn't either run away or just kill myself. Things began falling in place after that too, which leads me to believe that he was setting the stage for the next scene.

Right now, spiritually, I'm a little lost. I have the knowledge I've always had. If someone were to ask for advice on something, I'd respond the way I always have, keeping God first in everything in life. I know the difference between right and wrong, and I think I have a deep maturity as a young Christian. For now though, I can't talk to Him. It isn't because I'm mad about anything. It isn't because I don't have time.

I ... don't think I care to right now.

I've tried. I've tried praying a lot since then, and the most I can ever get out is, "Help me." It's sufficient though. God doesn't really need an explanation.

It's like when your Dad goes on a trip somewhere for several days. He hasn't abandoned you, or stopped caring about you. He'll call on the phone and talk to you, but it's kind of empty. You can't really express how you feel much on the phone. What would you say anyway? You just wait until he gets home to feel alive again...

I guess that's it. Although, God hasn't gone on a trip away from me. I think I've gone on the trip, and I don't really like it.

For now, I'm trying. I think that eventually, I'll be okay. I'd like for the people who think I'm alright because I managed to "get through" to know that you can get through anything, but not without permanent wounds. It doesn't really matter though. This is between me and God.

Other than that, I'm doing alright. I feel alive again. Instead of waking up every morning wondering what kind of tragedy is going to happen, I can wake up with a goal in mind. I want to get better at things again. I want to grow again. Before, I basically just wanted to be incinerated.

I noticed how much of a shell I had become during that time by sorting through photos I've taken throughout the year. I've made it a habit to take photos of myself every so often, because I know that I change a lot, and I want to be able to remember where I was in my life. It's also to try to improve my photography skills. You won't learn unless you keep doing it, no matter how bad you start out. Trust me, I have plenty of really terrible photos.











Broken

Empty

Lost

Sleeping in the leather lounge?

Falling apart

But... somehow things changed. I think it was sometime after I met Jessica and Anthony. They gave me some hope. It took a while, but I started coming back to life. It took several months to be able to talk about anything without crying, but now that it has passed, I can smile again.

Look at that. I think she's going to be okay.

-Lisa

(sorry about the sloppy code in this post)

A Dream of Lilacs

I'm quite confused, but when am I not? Lately, I've been thinking about things. The way things are now, the way they were, and the way things will change from now on. I wonder... what makes me happy?

Right now, I am happy. But, why?

Is it alright to question that, or should I just accept it?

When I think of these things, I just drag myself in circles. I want to be at home, but when I get there, I'm not content. I want to be at school, but I know I'm just going to get stressed out. I want things to stay the same, not to change. Yet, I don't want things to be stuck in this rut that never allows for change.

Am I just a fickle girl? Do I just need to change my attitude towards things? That's probably most of it.

Somehow, I can't help but think that I'm still suffering from the PTS symptoms though. My life flashed before my eyes, in a terribly grotesque way. It has left me wondering a lot of things. I want to be able to hold on to some of those pieces I think.

What do I want... what do I want...

Even if I could never achieve what I want, I think I might feel better if I can at least figure out what it is.

I want to be strong, and I think that for the most part, I am. There are a lot of things I've dealt with on my own, and I've done alright. But, given the chance, I think I kind of just want to fall apart. Just for a moment...

What is happening to me?

Lately, everytime I lay down, I fall asleep. To be drawn into a dreamworld, where everyone knows you, but can never remember your name.

She wonders what she'll do with her life...

What will happen when there are no more robots left to fight?

All she can be sure of now...
Is she likes May for the Lilacs.

"First Emotion of Love"

"Youthful Innocence"

I never cared much for the overrated language of flowers... but, I think I like these.

-Lisa

A Girl

She is back now, under her own Sky.

And, she's happy.

For a Moment

I sit here waiting, I'm not sure for what. There is a moment of peace I didn't expect to encounter today. Listening to Chopin always makes me think.

Soon, we'll have talked. It will be dark outside. The humming cars passing by, the wheels crackling over the brick path, the sound of crying friends... soon, that will be over. Silence.

Finally, a moment where what is coming doesn't matter to me. The chaos hasn't ended, but for now, this moment holds me and lets me breathe. Suspended.

A quiet feeling. Maybe two. No more wondering. It's still unknown, but the racing mind can't change it. A thought to savor.

We're saying our goodbyes. We latch onto each other for as long as we can stand. Excitment, contentment, meloncholy. Contemplation.

It comes. I wonder. It's here. It's over.

This moment is peaceful. I think I'll stay right here.

-Lisa

To Conquer a Single Day

Breakfast, PAC, study, WORLD CIV FINAL, work, and then...


Here goes!

-Lisa

Never Felt Like This Before

I listen to music to know that I am not alone
I read books to know that I am not alone
I look at you and I see I am not alone
When I reach out to you it feels like coming home

I'm coming to a perfect world with you
I'm waiting for the moment with you, hey hey hey hey

Over my head, really
Never felt like this before, maybe
Can't say the reason, clearly
The rhythym beats me,
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling

I listen to music to know that I am not alone
And when I touch you, I find we're not the only ones
I'm coming to a perfect world with you
I'm waiting for the moment with you, hey hey hey hey

Over my head, really
Never felt like this before, maybe
Can't say the reason, clearly
The rhythym beats me,
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling

The perfect world is hard to reach
The perfect world makes us happy
Get going to get the groove
Get going to catch your move
Overhead, over my head, really
Never felt like this before, maybe
Can't say the reason, clearly
The rhythym beats me,
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling

- Perfect World, Shonen Knife

Monday is coming, and I'm excited. Things are so complicated, and yet... it's just so simple.



-Lisa

A Kiss Goodbye

Jessica left today.





It's empty here.



I'm starting to feel the effects of distance. I don't want to go now. I don't want to go back home. Just as soon as I get used to something, I'm moved. Another week. Just, please, let me stay here another week.

Not for school, or for the dirty city. I've befriended people here who are so important to me. I miss my family, my pets, my grass. I don't miss my room. It's become a dark place. Lonely. But, I don't live there anymore.

Everyday, it will just be me. I'll lay in the grass, alone. I'll cook alone. Whatever I strive for will be only for myself.

Is this bad? No, but I guess I've just gotten used to being a part of a society. One where... someone cares.

I never thought I would miss people so much.

This has never happened for me.

Goodbye, everyone.


This has been a wonderful week. Thank you.

Anthony - Lisa - Jessica

To Believe Again in Love

These past few days have revived a belief for me in what society likes to call love. An infatuation.

The good part of my bad day was time with a certain person. It's cute because I feel like I'm watching from the outside; two cute kids, too shy to even look each other in the eye. It started not too long ago, but has only recently hit me as wanting to be around him all the time.

That day was filled with a lot of things going wrong. Not necessarily bad, but just wrong. It was that same evening that I took my first photo of my mission, Project Good. I remember him being excited to go eat with us, and that I had invited him, but when we got there, he suddenly looked really blue. That made me sad too. I wanted to hug him. When I asked Andrea later what was wrong with him, she said he felt sick. But you know, I don't think that's true.

Then, in the evening I suddenly had an urge to invite him to have sandwiches with me and Andrea in the basement. I don't entirely know if I was sure of his intentions or mine at the time. I just... I think I wanted to get to know him. It was almost like a desperate act though. As soon as I left the cafeteria I shot a text message at Andrea asking her to invite him to join us. I kept sending nonsense texts too since she didn't reply right away and I was afraid she would miss the message.

He said yes, and girlish excitment bubbled up within me. That night made me happy. At one point, I was laying on the floor and my eyes were closed, and he very gently touched my shoulder and asked if I was alright.

During that time I remember not wanting the moment to end. When we were getting ready to leave, I tried to stall everyone. I didn't want him to leave. Isn't that a silly thought? I quickly suggested that we get together on Saturday for video games. I can't remember if he just didn't hear me, or didn't think I was talking about him too, or if I just got really shy and didn't direct it towards him. But Andrea and I made plans to do so. As soon as I got back to my room though I sent him a message asking him to join us, and he responded in his cute, polite way saying, "if there is room for me, I would certainly like to join you on Saturday."

And we did. We had a grand time yesterday, or at the very least, I did. We started out playing Resident Evil, which Jim isn't very good at, and he still hadn't showed up. I knew that my day would have been completely shattered if he couldn't come for some reason. I kept watching the door and everytime it opened, I got butterflies in my stomach. About a half and hour later, he entered, and I tried not to look thrilled.

We watched Jim get really confused in RE4 for a while, until he took over and showed us all up. He didn't do it in an arrogant way, which I was pleased with. It was just fun.

Eventually we put in Katamari Damacy, mostly because he had asked about it the night before, and I wanted to show him. He never played until we were just about to turn it off, and I passed the controller towards him. "He hasn't played yet."

During one of the levels, I layed down on the floor with my dog, Frederick, and closed my eyes for a bit. They stung, but that isn't really uncommon. I was sleepy too. After a while he turned the volume down on the TV down a bit, and I heard him ask Andrea if I was alright.

Does he really worry that much about me, or does he do that for everyone? It doesn't really matter. It's sweet.

Then, DDR. It was really cute to see the boys try so hard to step on the right buttons. I played with Andrea on a few challenging songs, and it was a lot of fun. We haven't played together like that in a long time. I eventually started feeling really sick because I pushed myself too much, and wasn't feeling well to begin with. He and Andrea played a few rounds, and he looked so determined to get it right. As soon as one song was done, he immediately moved on to the next.

About the time we quit that, it was 6 o'clock and everyone, especially The Hulk JimJames. We pondered for a bit about what we should get to eat, whether we should walk somewhere or order. He mentioned something about not walking because some people looked too exhausted to move that much (guess which sweaty member he looked at). Eventually, we did decide to walk though, and it was a nice walk. The temperature was perfect.

We ended up going to Friendly's and really had a good time. There isn't much to say about it, just that I sat across from him and was quite content with that. This was probably the most we've ever talked to each other. It wasn't much either, but when our eyes met, which was very rare, it's like we were stuck.

It could have just been me though.

When we left, it was raining outside. I was really too happy to care. In fact, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I half daydreamed and hoped that it would really pour and we'd be drenched when we got back. Then he could look at me and either laugh or feel bad and give me a wet hug. None of that happened, but it was still fun to think about.

Andrea and I made tea for everyone. At first he couldn't decide what kind he wanted.

"Actually, I don't really want-... well, what kind is your favorite?"

I made him the cinnamon tea.

"I did indeed enjoy that tea, it had actually been too long since I'd had good tea like that."

We all got comfortable in my cozy little room(even though it isn't really wonderful, and it was a mess, I was happy to be able to show him a part of me) and watched Sweeny Todd. I could have sat on the other side of JimJames, but I took the risk and sat between the two where there was just enough room for tiny me. I was pleased with this, because when I squealed and covered my eyes at the bloody part, he put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me.

He had to leave somewhere in the middle of the movie, when it was almost 1 AM.

"You have to leave...?"
"...Yeah."

He dashed away into the night.

I feel bad to say to myself, this is going to end quickly, and it's just a crush. You have to have those once in a while. I don't think I've even really felt like this about someone before, and not my mind and my heart are fighting with each other.

Again.

We had some kind of contact about a month ago. Yes, April 1st was when he sent the first message. Although I had sat with him at dinner a couple times, we never really communicated. It was a big group, and not everyone knew each other, so it wasn't so awkward. Hm... now that I think of it, I don't know how her found out my name. I doubt he could have remembered me from our Creative Problems short course. It was only three classes and that was a long time ago. We sat at the same table, but didn't really talk to each other. I remember being impressed though because he was very sincere with his answers and analysis's.

Well, he sent me a message about my deviantart page, which he most likely found on my facebook page(that is where he has been sending me messages). He said he really liked my photography and my videos on youtube.

I like a guy who finds out who I am before approaching me. :]

We've really only talked on facebook since a couple days ago, and it's always been about interesting topics, like, "I read your story and...". Things with substance. Not just, "Hi, wassup lol"

I don't know how it got from the beginning of the month and us not even looking at each other, to it being the beginning of May and me asking him to dinner and to hang out on weekends.

That isn't something I do, either. I kind of can't even believe myself that I am being so open about this. It...is kind of obvious, I think. If not for others, than for us.

This is where my mind starts causing trouble though. He is a very sweet guy, and respectful too. But, that's him, not just towards me. That's good though, because I don't want to be around someone that only acts a certain way around certain people. It is also a reflection of the short story I read by him. It was about a guy and a girl, and the guy was "accidently" flirting with her, so she took it that way. He later had to explain that he didn't mean anything by it, he just thought he was being nice and that they were friends. I worry a little that that is the way we are.

Somehow, I still like to believe it isn't though. Even if I am tricking myself, I'm happy right now.

When I asked him to come to dinner with the "family," he was "looking forward to tomorrow." Then, when I asked him to come play with us on Saturday, he was "eagerly awaiting to see what tomorrow brings."

He even got a little jealous at one point, or just upset. Or at least, that's what my mind is telling me. He mentioned something about another guy who has been leaving me sappy messages and acted like it was wrong. Heehee...

I can't help but see that as a hint.

I was actually lonely last night after he left...

To say it quite frankly, I'm naive. But, I think he is too. Well, maybe not so much naive, but innocent. I'm happy with that.

But, I'm a Christian, and I know he isn't. In fact, he treats Christianity basically the way the rest of the world does. Not in a horribly aggressive way, but just when the topic comes up, there is always something negative and sarcastic to say. It isn't just that, but I know if we even ended up doing something serious, I would have to break it off eventually, and I don't want either of us to be hurt. I wouldn't want that hanging over my head the entire time either.

People change, and I know that. But I don't want to convince myself that it's okay because there is a slight chance he might suddenly understand what Christianity really is, and not what the world makes of it.

I'm already going nuts. It's Sunday, so he isn't on campus. That's lonely. There isn't even a chance of me bumping into him, not that I ever have before. I won't be able to see him tomorrow either because I have work and then class in the evening. I'm this hopeless already. It's kind of cute.

I think for now though, I'll just enjoy the fact that I'm not always going to be alone, and that for once, I can honestly enjoy the company of someone. I can keep my wits about me, and still forever remember this as a moment when I first tasted a bit of love.


But logic broke us.





-Lisa

Misson Two - Complete

Lisa - Master Bruno Schirripa

The best mission of them all.

A Good Bad Day

Today was rough, but somehow I got through it with an upbeat attitude. I was feeling kind of down towards the end, but something cute happened, and now I can conclude that it was a good bad day.

It's late, so I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.

-Lisa



Project Good. Mission Start.

Mission One Accomplished.

Richard - Adrienne - Andrea - Lisa - James